It Ain't Over...Till It's Over

So after 6 weeks or so hiatus (unintentional), I’m writing two posts today.

One to publish and one to hang on to for a bit

It’s not that I want to be dishonest with anyone.

But sometimes telling things before their time could cause problems.

I don’t think that I will hold onto it long before hitting send.

I believe that people learn more from the end of our stories if they know the middle.

So hopefully after the first of the year I’ll be coming back and hitting send after I’ve had a few conversations.

In the meantime…

I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change. :o)

I hope and pray that you all can say the same.

Hang in my friends.

2010 may not have been all we hoped. But it ain’t over until it’s over!

AND 2011 is a big package waiting to be unwrapped.

-Gina

Taking a Step Back

One thing seems clear in this little internal fight I'm in.
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.

One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.

Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.

But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.

So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.

There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.

I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.

-Gina

Silence

So little bit of an unintentional blog break there...

I wanted to check back in here to  let you all know that I am still alive!
Doctor # 2... 3 possibly has now said that some of these issues that I am struggling with physically are stress induced.
STRESS

Yeah - I get that.

So I am re-evaluating some things.

One recurring theme here is sleep, actually the lack of sleep.

So the first step is to work on making sleepy time Gina's rituals a little better.

Any other insomniacs out there wanna chime in with what works for them?

-Working on the obvious
Gina

It's a Lie.

I'm thinking of recording some videos for myself.
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina

Whatever

So much I want to say but I just can't get there right now.
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.

But I just did tell you.

Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.

One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.

So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)

But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.

So come what may I intend to keep this up.

I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days.  And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.

Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.

-Gina

It's not a big step, but it is a step...

Well a few thousand of them to be exact.
For Baby Step # 1 I chose to amp up my walking again. I really like walking for exercise. It relaxes me. And I remember back when I was hitting 20,000 steps a day (yep... 20,000) I loved it.
And I remember thinking how much better I felt walking instead of sitting like the blob.
sooo - off we go.
And off I go.
God and I need some quality time tonight I can tell by my attitude.
-Gina

Baby Stepping (aka... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie)

Those of you who know the movie "What About Bob?" may recognize that little title.
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.

So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!

"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)

So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.

So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change... and then add in other changes.
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.

I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.

Hope y'all are all well.

As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina

We're Not Done Yet

I'm tempted tonight to write another one of my "things normal people don't tell you" stories. And I think I will take a chance on that in a few days.  We could all use some chuckles right?

Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)

While we wait for suggestions...

Let's talk honesty.

Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.

Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.

But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.
 
So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)

Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.

Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.

If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........

But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay.  :O)

The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.

So

I am not quitting.

We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.

Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.

Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter

It is What it Is

I keep trying again to think of something to write. I like to be helpful. Maybe uplifting.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.

Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."

It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!

But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.

Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.

I know... your life is also far from perfect

You went straight out of college into your dream job and have never doubted your calling

Again - far from perfect

I heard someone say the other day that they were waiting on God for something and they had to wait like 6 WHOLE MONTHS for the answer. I seriously, wanted to slap them (don't spread that around m'kay)

Some of us are serial wait-ers. You married your sweetie, only to see that life crumble. You married the love of your life, but children didn't follow. You never quite landed that dream job... or any job for that matter. You've lived your life single, with no prospects of that changing. You've watched as 30, 40, 50 years have passed and realized your dream life was no longer a possibility.

Wait

Waiting

But what do we wait for? For some reason lately when I think of waiting I think of the verse in the NT about grief. 1 Thessalonians 4:13

The verse is talking about death but really it's talking about hope.

We do not grieve like those who have no hope.

I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.

What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting

I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.

I just don't believe in hopeless.

Give me the Courage to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

So a couple of years ago as I was going through a rough patch I really latched onto the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Something about this prayer resonates with the uncontrollable nature of life. At the time in my life that I really dug into this the part that hit me was the part about accepting what I could not change. It felt like a lot at the time. I couldn't change the past - decisions that I had made and things that had happened. I couldn't change some of the circumstances at the time. I couldn't change other people.

I had to learn to accept things where they were. That was step one in this long process... and that was almost 5 YEARS ago.  5 YEARS... Wow.

Step two - Wisdom to recognize what I can change and the courage to CHANGE.

Today I went to find this poem, to write this blog, and I find there is more to it.

The more feels so much like a nugget that was just hiding for me today.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life

It is not where I want it. There is still much more change ahead. There are tough steps still ahead. 

There is change.

Change can be scary.

But today:

I will embrace change, no matter how scary it is.

I will fully love the life that God has given me and live it to the fullest.

I will not hide behind fat or fear.

I will face tomorrow and forget yesterday.

I will accept what can't be changed and work to change what must.

I will be where I am, because where I am is where God has me for this moment.

-How are my peeps?

-G

It's Been a Week

Well it's been a little bit. I'm still trying to pop in here once a week or so. So far, so good.
August is here... it's hot.
That's all I have to say about that!


This past week was a tough one.

Early on in the week we got a phone call that one of our sweet volunteers had been in a terrible car accident. We were given no details, just told she was in critical condition and to pray.
News the next day was not good.

Life Support
Brain dead
No hope

My heart broke. By the week's end two people that I respected greatly had left us to go be with our heavenly Father. One I knew rather well after four years of working with her in different roles. One I knew only in passing. He was a spiritual hero of mine. An incredible man who lived literally until the last day to share Christ and make disciples.  She was a hero of mine too - someone who served tirelessly behind the scenes... never asking for credit or reward.

My heart broke last week... repeatedly.
Tough week.
While I rejoice for their struggles to be over on this earth I mourn for their families and friends. Life lived without these two is a little less bright. Heaven and the prospect of heaven got a little sweeter.

You get thoughtful when weeks like last week come.
You spend a lot of  time thinking about life and death - about the legacy that your life is building.
You grieve. You examine. You weep.

It's the ups and downs all wrapped together that make our lives what they are. It is the good and the bad that shape us. It is how we react, how we walk this life, that tells a lot about who we are.

Tonight I'm thinking about what this next week holds: two funerals - one wedding.
Life... it goes on.

I am determined to not waste a second of it.
I am determined to build the legacy that Christ desires.
I am determined to follow the lessons of making disciples and serving others that I have seen modeled so well.

No regrets. No words left unsaid. Live life well. Live life fully.

-G

The Cupcakes that I Wish Weren't There

I do pretty good when people are around.
I was about to say "I don't know why that is" but I know EXACTLY why that is.
I always feel like people are judging my choices.
So when we're in the big room with everyone celebrating I can absolutely turn that yummy, frosting-heavy, cupcake away.
If, however, it sits in the fridge or on the counter afterward, it becomes a bit more difficult.
People sometimes joke about food talking to them.
Somehow it's true... there is an awareness that whatever it is: in this case - yummy, frosting-heavy cupcakes, still reside in their happy box in the fridge... not 50 feet away.

And my brain - especially on days like this - when stress pounds and my heart is hurt (will write about that later) - my brain wants to just down a freakin cupcake!

But today I'm not going to.

Today I am going to resist and pray that tomorrow and the day after I can as well.

When the cupcakes leave they are always replaced by something else. That is what it means to be obsessed with food. That is what it means to mentally, physically know that the food will, even just for a moment silence what hurts you. It's what it means to have an actual problem with food itself.

Yep. Today I'm facing my problem head on... but I'm not gonna lie to you... today that fight kinda sucks.

Hoping my peeps are all well.

Keep going!
-G

Thankful!

It's been a while since I've written on my "weighty" topics.  So I wanted to get some updates in.

I was reminded today by a sweet, sweet friend who is walking this weight loss road with me that even GOOD events can be stress in your life.

And these past few weeks have had some good stress.  :O)

Since I am typically a very emotional eater I have noticed one pretty drastic change in this last week.

I am fully here and feeling my emotions as they come and NOT eating through them.
And - I have survived that.

I am back on track this time - and I'm just believing that it's for good.
No stopping the momentum this time - no ma'am!

So here's my update on where I've asked to be held accountable.

Exercise - taking a little break while I adjust to some food changes
Food - Woot - On track
Food Tracking - Woot - On track!
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm - Oh dang... um not so much.  Adjust.  :O)
Water - Woot - On track!

I am pretty much just in the groove again and doing great.
I'm at 17 lbs total lost since I started "The Fight" on my blog.
Yee-stinking-haw!

How are my peeps?

Have a great weekend!

-Gina

Eventful!

What a crazy few days it's been.
Let's start with the SO fun, fun news!

I got to be present at a friend's engagement. Her guy totally surprised all of us. A few of us had it figured out a little early... but at this point in the night we had no idea.

We did dinner together and then headed out for some letter boxing (which I had never heard of before).
Our future bride-to-be navigated for us.
We walked around this beautiful place (I have few pictures but pictures do exist!) and laughed and talked.
Then we finally hit the spot for the treasure.
David (groom to be) had Andrea navigating still and had prepared this fun poem and riddle. Then at the end of it it said to turn around to the one who is kneeling behind you.
Happy Couple:

SO stinking sweet.
What a great night!

Meanwhile we are all about to die from heat exhaustion (I kid... I kid...) so we followed up the sweet proposal with some sweets from Cold Stone.
All in all a super night.

So this morning I come into work to find out that my friend Tiffany has gone into labor.
Tiff and her husband David (could she look any more beautiful going into labor? - seriously disgusting!)

Little Molly Cate will be here any minute now and I cannot wait to kiss her little cheeks!

Could the week get any more exciting?!?!  I challenge it too... because what FUN.  :O)

Random

Because I can't quite seem to break this batch of writer's block, I figured I would just tell you some random things that I am thinking of tonight.

1. Fanta always makes me think of Ukraine because when you went to any restaurant instead of asking what you wanted to drink they would say "colafantasprite?"

2. Speaking of Ukraine, I was almost hit by a car there with my good friend Donna. It seriously crashed just FEET in front of us and right into a building.

3. I have broken the pinky toes on both of my feet. The left one I broke by kicking a table leg when I was in high school. The right one I broke by kicking the bottom of a weight set a few years back. It hurts - a lot. I was not angry either time. The last time I broke it the morning of a Razorback Game and I still walked all the way to Razorback Stadium and back on it. It hurt - a lot. :O)

4. I love being in plays and musicals. I just don't do it anymore because I don't have the time. But I still dream that I am in a play and haven't been prepared for it - don't know the lines and songs.

5. I was once walking beside my brother in a parking lot and I just tripped over my own feet and went down like a sack of potatoes. I am pretty sure he thought I had dropped dead. I fall - a lot.  :O)

6. I like playing the piano and singing in an almost perfectly dark church with just a piano light. It is soothing and worshipful and some of my best "me and God" moments were there.

7. My absolute favorite worship moment was at the Broadmoor hotel in Colorado Springs. I was by myself in this out of the way lobby playing on a grand. I started playing the Midnight Cry - "I hear the sound, of a mighty rushing wind." and a storm came over the mountain with wind that shook the windows of the hotel. It continued to howl the whole time I sang.

8. I write songs - music and lyrics but I stopped a few years ago. It is a silence in my heart that I continue to hope breaks soon.

9. My brother Jeff always called my future husband "Biff the Biblical Stud."  We had a name for his future wife, but I don't remember it, because he and Amelia got married before we had time to really use it much.

10. I hate mice. I once stepped on a mouse in the dark in my bare feet. It was NOT a good experience.

11. My hands shake for no reason that anyone can find. Which sometimes makes it difficult to hold a mic when I sing. Adrenaline makes it worse... which makes me look nervous a lot of times when I am not. I dislike this about myself very much.

12. Has anyone really read the other 11? Really? Ok. My house, car, and desk are a disaster area. Try as I might I have not found the secret to killing the clutter in my life.

13. I once was involved in a fight over a monopoly game that turned ugly enough we had to leave the house. All four of us still cannot agree. Well two of us agree. It's two against two actually.

14. I like cartoons more than any woman my age should.

15. I need to end this list on a multiple of 5. I don't know why. I just do.

-G'night!

Shh..

I have tried twice to write what's on my heart tonight and I just can't.
Maybe tomorrow?
Just wanted to check in and say that I'm still kicking.
I'm seriously just not giving up this time, no matter how much change truly scares me.
Prayers? Yeah... that'd be good about now.
-G

I Miss Me

So I've been absent for a little while.
You can always count on that as a sign that something is happening for good or bad... hmm... I guess that's usually bad because good stuff I always manage to make time for.
Let's not analyze that m'kay?

Once again I can say honestly, though there have been many stumbles, I am learning a LOT about myself.
It is this foundation that I hope I can start to build the healthy me on.

I'm 34, and still learning what makes me tick.  I hope that's normal?!  I don't care really if it is or not I guess, cause it's normal for me. :O)

Today for some reason I have been thinking about fearnessless.

Specifically I've been thinking about how fearless we start out in life.
When we are little we have to be told not to touch the hot oven, stick metal into electric sockets, or other random examples (you moms can fill in those blanks).

Those are good things to avoid, but somewhere along the way we get messages from life or wherever that let fear creep into us in other ways.

Fear that other people won't approve of us or like us.
Fear that you are just a big screw up (that's not just me right??).
Fear that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Fear of snakes (totally valid FYI).
Fear of clowns (See above re validity).
Fear of not fitting in.

Fear.

I kinda hate it.

While I have battled with it in various forms throughout life, I have realized that I have just let it have its way in other areas.

And instead of dealing with it, I've been avoiding.
I have some super methods for avoiding things and avoiding feeling things.
And I am working on chipping those away.

I miss me. Lately I just think I've been too much in avoidance mode. And when I get there the fun Gina takes a back seat again.

I like fun Gina a bunch. There is a mix between serious Gina and fun Gina. There needs to be balance. But fun Gina has been off more than on for a bit.
We're inviting her back to the party.
I like things better that way.

How are my peeps?  Check in with me either e-mail or comments.  I like to know!

-Fun Gina

Thursday - Unite!

Not much new, news to report.
I'm holding my own despite the fact that my stomach is hating on me again.
I am wondering if my inconsistency so far is the cause of this. When I eat junk my body has to detox a ltitle bit again causing me to feel like junk.
Need to remind myself that might be the case when I decide I need that junk again.
As for now I am back on target. See - Not.Giving.Up!

Today, well actually I think yesterday, I read a story by another lady in the blog-world who is on the journey.
It was hard for me to read. This link is to an older post of hers that had just come up on another blog.
When you are overweight you already feel like everyone is judging you.
So to hear of someone having to face that judging head on just made me angry.

Since I know some of you don't share that struggle I think I am going to take today to address this little issue.

You may think that the overweight person is somehow invisible or oblivious. But when you are making comments and/or snickering at them - they are perfectly aware.

Dealing with this issue for most of us has been a life long battle. If it was as easy as "put down the fork" we'd all be skinny-minnies. But there is much more going on. Much more is typically at stake.

While you know my story, or at least parts of it, you do not know everyone's story.

Keep in mind that the person you are talking about/too/behind is a living, breathing human being who has feelings. You do not know their struggle. You do not know their day.
Perhaps they are on an upswing and doing really well. That person that looks overweight to you may already be halfway through a loss and feeling proud of themselves. Today may have been the first day in their journey. They may (as my blogger friend above) have just walked a marathon on a bad knee and not been able to walk through the grocery store.

I will end by echoing what Lyn said the other day: Compassion is free!

You can be the person who encourages the hurting or you can be the person who heaps one more hurt on them.

What can you do?
I'll tell you what I do. When I see someone in my shape or worse I pray immediately. I pray that God would encourage them, heal them, and help them. When it's someone that I love I encourage them in positive steps and do my best not to derail their efforts.

What I don't do?
I don't say a word. UNLESS... unless... unless... I hear/see a situation like above.  I will be the one who tells someone in the above situation that they are outta line.

Be the light my friends.  You can do it.

-Gina

Sometimes it is what you think it is

Well it's Monday.
Monday is my usual weigh-in day at the center but I am playing hookey today and waiting until tomorrow.
Yesterday I was feeling funky again (what is it with me and Sundays?! It's seriously frustrating).
Anyhoo... yesterday I was feeling funky again. And I have something about feeling funky = pizza.
I know right?!
So I decided it wouldn't hurt me too much. I'd been crazy good before that.
But that dang pizza - I'm thinking it may be the salt.
So since the scale saw a ridiculous not humanly possibly bump this morning, I delayed weighing.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow!  :O)

I find that I do much better with people than without. When I'm alone I can much more easily talk myself into the same old bad habits.

So that's yet another reason to be OUT and about more than sitting at home.

Meanwhile Jillian and I have temporarily parted ways while I try to figure out what happened to my leg. I'm afraid to work out on it while it hurts like this. I'm sure if Jill were here she'd tell me to buck up/suck it up in her ever so pleasant way.  :OP

Ok.
Off to fight another day.
-Gina

Friday Update - Things No One Tells You

It's Friday night.
Nothing significant about that necessarily, except that another week has passed. :O)
Once again I have to say that I am learning a lot about myself on this little journey.
I was reading somewhere the other day on another blog (wish I could remember which!) where the writer was talking about sabotaging herself when she started to see results.
I can relate.
In focusing a little bit on some of the things I notice trigger me... success on weigh in days is HIGH on the list.
When I went to the center this week I had lost more weight and inches (they measure once a month). They were proud of me. I was too, for about 6 hours. 
There are a lot of reasons for that. I am sure at some point on this journey I'll get into them, because I know some of you will relate.
Now is not the time for that little talk. I have some praying, reading, talking and walking still to do before I will feel free to discuss.
I think it's important though.
As for today, things are good. And yes I am back to "one day at a timing it," which may switch to "one hour at a timing it" any second now!
When I went to the MRC folks the other day one of the things they challenged me with was to not run from the bad days. Even when things aren't stellar - get on in there and talk.
I don't like to fail though... so that's kinda counter to my usual methods!
Change will mean realizing it's ok to not be 100% perfectly successful 100% of the time.
Hi, my name is Gina, and I'm a perfectionist.  :O)

Weight - down
Water - up
Sleep - sucky
Exercise - punishing (I told you Jillian hates me)

Gina - still in it for the long haul.

How are my peeps doing?  :O)

Tender-hearted

My heart is tender right now.

My heart is tender to lots of things just about all the time. Some things always move me to tears - weddings, hurting people, love, death - you get the picture.

But right now my heart is tender-er than normal (yeah - not great grammar).

I feel thin-skinned. It's not in a way that I am easily offended at things but in a way that seems like the slightest emotion can bruise me. The most innocuous conversation can bring me to tears.

My heart is just tender right now.

I've spent a couple of days trying to figure out what's at the root of where I am emotionally. It's not hormonal. It's not entirely situational.

I think I am on the edge of something huge because of all the things in life that just seem uncertain. In the middle of that I think that God is preparing my heart for new things and new growth.

The analogy that I keep thinking of in all this is how you tenderize meat: you beat the crap out of it. In the past year I have had situations and people that have done just that. People and situations in this past year have challenged me, broken me, and in some cases hurt me.
Being hurt is a part of life. Being hurt is a by-product of loving people.
I used the words "broken" and "brokenhearted" a lot this year.  Things that seem vital to my happiness have been, and still are, ultimately out of my hands. That leaves me feeling out of control. If you know me... out of control is not in my comfort zone of emotions.
I know that ultimately my happiness comes from my relationship with Christ. Really my joy comes from there and there are a LOT of joyful moments in my life.

I do a lot of celebrating too.

But my heart is tender right now.

While I think I may be rambling a bit I do have a point.

I'm on several journeys in my life.
I'm working hard to be healthy and lose weight.
I'm walking through new territory being totally in love with an incredible man that I've been dating for almost two years. Going from life-long singleton to a long-term relationship is a joy but definitely a challenge as well.
I'm daily working on my relationship with Christ and learning about grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I'm daily working on my relationships with friends and family - trying to be a good daughter, friend, sister and aunt.
Right now a lot of blogging seems be focused on the weight-loss journey. While my weight doesn't define me it has influenced a lot of other areas in my life and I am working to change that. Since many of you are as well, I have chosen to fight this publicly in order to hopefully help you while I learn and struggle.

Possibly because I have been so open about it... it has added another tender spot in my heart.
I so wish that my emotions weren't this close to the surface right now. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel decidedly uncomfortable.

I am however, not giving up or in. I am pushing on. I am going to continue laughing, loving, screwing up, getting back up, apologizing when needed, crying when needed and living life.

Since we're in this boat together... I'll probably keep blogging too.  :O)
How are y'all doing?
I'd sure love to hear.

Vacation and Jillian Michaels

Well before it’s been a month… I needed to get back in here and update!
Let’s skip the diet portion of our day and talk about vacation. I’ll update on food and such later. Frankly I don’t think I’m in the mood to talk about it today - and maybe not tomorrow. Oh, except to say that even though she doesn’t KNOW me, I am certain Jillian Michaels hates me. No one who loved me would treat me like she does in the Shred workouts.
Now - on to vacation!

I had one.
The end.  :O)

Just kidding.

I just got back from Florida with my traveling buddies Tina and Tracie.

We had a bunch of fun.

I got a sunburn.
We went deep sea (ocean really) fishing.

We made idiots out ourselves in front of state park signs.

We had a bunch of fun.

I came back tan(er) and remembered that I look better with a tan. However since I don’t particularly like the heat it’ll probably fade by July.  :O)

The End.

The Dreaded Binge

I let some time slide before I wrote about this. Mostly I did that because I wanted some perspective but I also didn't want to use it to condemn myself. I wanted to analyze what happened and see if I can make some mental and emotional connections for the how and why.

A week ago Monday - 8 days ago - I had my weigh in with measurements. I had lost 10 lbs total and 15 inches overall (legs, chest, hips, etc.). It was an incredible result that got me an "atta girl" from the consultant. I felt GREAT, for a bit.

On weigh in days (since I'm down there) I always get a chicken salad from Chick-Fil-A. It's close and easy to get and head back to work.

But for some reason after weigh-in that morning I instead struggled. And the ending choice from the struggle was a Sonic burger with fries. Lunch... Sonic.  Dinner... started with something (I actually can't remember what) and ended hours later with Dominos.
In the course of those two meals I hit my calories for DAYS.

The question I was left with at the end of it was why?
What could have caused me to mindlessly eat after all I've learned??

I actually have no idea! The psychologist in my wants to analyze the crud out of it. Am I sabotaging myself? Was there a trigger there that I missed?

At the time, and now days later, I still can't find it.
Which scares the crap out of me!
Part of this journey is changing habits but ALL of it is about changing me. How do I change something that I can't identify?

Things I do know:
You don't change overnight.
I got RIGHT back up on the "horse" the morning after such a terrible day.
I'm at 8 days now completely ON plan. FYI - a record for me. :O)
I don't have to understand. I just have to file this one away to watch out for in the future.
You don't change overnight.

Well there's your Tuesday info - maybe more than you wanted to know. But it's so important for me to put the good and bad out here. Because if you don't see both then I'm not really helping anyone, including myself.

We can do this!

-Gina

Sunday update - Proud of Myself!

Week 3ish saw everything CLICK!  I got all my water and exercise. I ate what I needed no matter what (see below)! 

13 lbs down

This weekend combination has been one I've been worried about for a while!
Friday night = eating out with friends
Saturday = Worldfest at Branson (mmm funnel cakes)
Sunday = Mother's Day

It's all my triggers in ONE WEEKEND!  :OP

Guess what?

I didn't cave. I didn't eat a sandwich on Friday night... didn't eat anything off my plan. I didn't eat crazy on Saturday at Silver Dollar City. Even when I panicked a bit I was able to remember advice from a friend and ask to have something prepared completely differently then what was available.  And they discounted it because I was asking for something WAY simpler then they charged for. WOO! :O)

Even exhausted and face to face with yummy, sweet, good stuff I didn't cave. And that has never, in my lifetime, ever happened under those circumstances!!!!

Enter Sunday, today, which I was most certain would get me. It's the dreaded by many childless and/or single women - Mother's Day. Frankly it is a day that I almost always miss church... baby dedication, mother's recognition... painful. I'm happy for so many others, especially my new mom friends!!! But it can be a hard day.
I was fairly certain that the emotion of the day was going to win out because missing church is not an option so I was going to get the full barrel day.
But. It. Did. Not!

It didn't hit me until I started singing it, but our opening song was worded straight from Him to me. I was on Praise Team again so it hit me with mic in hand! God is always faithful to provide exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!


So I leave you today with my message from today. God has not forgotten you, no matter where you are or what you face. He is going to use you. I'm counting on God!
-G

I'm in a fight not physical
And I'm in a war
But not with this world
You are the light that's beautiful
And I want more
I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength
To live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God

I am counting on
I am counting on God

Ginabob?

So Brent Riggs is hosting a "Where did you get your nickname from?" Linky, and it seems like a good time to answer an actual FAQ!

How in the world did I get the nickname "Ginabob?"

People from all ranges of my past still call me that name. But where did it start?

It started in highschool.

We were doing a project (don't judge me for the upcoming stereotype ok? :O) on the Vietnamese relocation to Ft. Chaffee.  We kept interviewing people whose last names were spelled all different ways, but were always pronounced "winn." Some of these names had no letters that could, at least in our minds, justify the pronunciation.

So we decided that we would rename each other.  My name was "Bob" spelled G-I-N-A.

By the end of the project several friends called me Bob which morphed by college to be GinaBob.  Years later - it has stuck!

That actually was my second nickname.  The first being (thanks to my brother Gem) "froggy." He still calls me "froggy" most of the time and he tries to get his kiddos to call me Aunt Froggy. This is all due to the fact that I am ridiculously double-jointed and used to sit/sleep a bit weirdly growing up. 

Side bar - don't do that... or let your kids do that... because it will accelerate their inevitable knee problems in later life from being double jointed.  :O)   End side-bar.

-Gina(froggy)bob

It's Not You... It's Him

One of my favorite ways for God to speak is when something else entirely is going on and He presses on my heart.

If you're a believer you know exactly what I am talking about. You can be sitting and listening to a sermon on whatever and He just takes you somewhere else entirely.

It happened to me, so sweetly, last night in choir practice.

I've been struggling lately - that's not news to anyone - with all the change in my life. I crave change. I'm always up for God to move me somewhere else or change my situation, physically that is. When it comes to emotional/spiritual changes I can be less than enthusiastic (let's be honest right?!).

But I've been struggling because I have been asking for direct answers - God sized movements - CHANGE in my time - and it just isn't happening.

In reality I know that God's plans are better than mine. That's real information to me. It is not a theoretical thing. I know it like I know my name. His ways are better. His plans are always better. His choices for me are what I need.

But I fight it because sometimes I'm rebellious and just want what I want when I want it! And sometimes in fighting it I screw things up. Sometimes I screw things up enthusiastically and massively (it's an adverb/adjective night I'm thinking).

In the fight, when things inevitably self-destruct, I can get desperate to get back. Sometimes you doubt whether you can hear God at all anymore. Have I gone too far? Have I finally hit the mark where He cannot find me? I know these things will never be true. But desperation can speak loud and ugly lies!

Where was I?

Oh yes... I was in choir.

We had an incredible rehearsal last night. Our guest director (Dick Hill) was encouraging and such a blessing. But I was finally still and letting my heart take a break from my desperation so God chose to whisper. He never needs to shout when I hit desperation. A whisper always works at that point.


There it was - clear as day. You won't be disappointed if I don't detail it right?  :O) I hope not... cause I'm not gonna.

Let's just say that He is clearly not done working and I am going to stop trying to give direction. I am going to stop listening to everyone else's good advice and wait for His Word to speak.

When I get down to the core of myself I realize that I want to trust His direction but there are so many competing voices. So many other people seem to know better.

I. Trust. Him.

He has never, ever let me down. I can trust that.

Saturday Update - Did I tell you it's been a long week?

This change thing stinks!  :O)

I have yet to hit the exercise stride for various reasons... that'll change today. Today = either walking or Wii fit come what may!

Water = win
Food = almost a complete win (we've already covered that though. :O) )

I think one of the biggest "yays" for this week was not giving up because it was a stinky, stinky week! I'm happy to have the weekend here now and be able to unload emotionally and physically.

AND, and, and.... I'm at 10 lbs down now.  WOO!

Ok - off to clean and walk.

Have a great Saturday everyone

Gina

When Life Happens

One words sums up the last few days quite nicely - difficult!

I won't go into the specifics of why for various reasons. Let's just say that sometimes even after all the waiting I've done in my life, I still don't "wait well" when it comes to hard days. Hope is good... but long term hope can just be a painful thing some days/weeks. Even other folk's happy news can end up as a painful stab in those times. And when said week includes a ridiculous wave of other people's "happy" sometimes it gets tough to work up a good response.

So I have cried and prayed. I have ranted a bit with some of my gal-pals. I so, so love that my friends get me as well as they do. I love that we can laugh the grumpy away without even saying much - and with each other completing sentences for the other one!  :O)

In the 'difficult' I learned another important thing. It involved me taking a fall and then picking myself up and starting again.

I'm an emotion-eater. That's not news. I dropped that bombshell in the beginning right?
What I learned this week is that one seemingly simple thing can start a chain reaction that ends with me overloading on carbs and sugar.  And when you compound the simple things together they can easily become one ugly dark cloud... the end of which seems obviously to be (oh random example) food from Taco Bueno and a Reese's Blast from Sonic.

Lesson:
About halfway through said carb/sugar binge I felt ill and actually could not continue.
It wasn't just the food that was making me sick. It was the realization of what was happening = choosing food over dealing with the "difficult."
After weeks on a great diet, that sugar/carb binge makes you sick.  THEN you wake up feeling crappy too. Ok so this may be obvious - but it's here in black and white to remind ME!!!!

Victory:
In days gone by a bad day always, always equaled a bad week. The week was blown in my old brain so I could just continue to slough off until Monday.
This morning - I got right back on. (Pats self on back)

Things are going to happen. Things are not going to go the way I want them too all the time. I am re-programming Y-E-A-R-S of one response always being my go-to. It will not be easy. But half the battle is identifying the problem.
Done.

Next.  :O)

Heart Stuff and a check-in

So something that I learned about myself early on in life that is important to know is that I am a burden-bearer.
What do you mean by that Gina?

I think it's the counselor's heart within me. I attract hurting people and they often (even without knowing me long) spill deep dark hurts out to me. I think sometimes even they are amazed at what they have just told me. I've seen that look a lot: "why did I just say that?" or "I've never told anyone that." Those are common themes in my conversations and have been for a long time.

Well duh - that is why I am getting my MA in Counseling... so I can counsel!  So it's a good thing that people feel comfortable with me and sharing with me.

But what I've learned over these last probably 5 years or so is that in being a burden bearer I often find myself with loads of burden and no where to go.
When you are the person that people tell their problems to, who do YOU tell your problems to?

Now I know that my Christian friends and I have the obvious answer for that. And I do take them right where they need to go.

If you give me a problem and I carry it, I carry it directly to Him. But man sometimes it is hard to leave it there.

Oh - sidetrack there - sorry!  :P

What I learned about myself is that I tend to stuff my own problems inside because I don't want to burden someone else!  Some of you aren't going to believe that because I share way much... I over-share.  I hear the word "transparent" used to describe me a lot.

But you wanna know something crazy? You can be transparent without actually being completely transparent!!

I have my line of where you can see and where you cannot see and for years no one crossed it.

A few years back God brought two very Godly and wise people into my life who ripped the fire outta my lines and barriers. They forced me to be down and dirty honest.  Oh thank God for people who don't take happiness at its face value all the time and aren't afraid to dig into the deep things.

Life has not been the same.

I still struggle with the line sometimes. No I will not spill every deep dark secret I have onto the internet for anyone and everyone. But yes there are a small handful of people who know me down to the U-G-L-Y and I am blessed to call them friend.

What about you? Remember, when you hide you live in bondage to the thing you are hiding. Satan loves secrecy because he can use it as a constant weapon.

Come out of the shadows with me. Live in the Sonshine - it is absolutely spectacular!

(GOAL CHECK)
I have done so much better this week!  With the exception of one off meal I have done exactly what I should including insane amounts of water and (SOB) no caffeine!!!  :O) 
I feel great and (she says proudly) I've finally started losing again. 8 lbs down!

Keep at it people.  We can do this together.

Gina

Goal Check!

Well I intended to do the goal check up on Wed but didn't get to it.  :OP
So I'm taking it on Saturday.
So far - mini-steps are going to have to do for this week. I got almost none of my exercise in, not all of my water, and my food was horrible.
One of my biggest challenges seems to be bedtime. If I could get to sleep, then I could get up in the morning and work out. That's throwing me off.
I'm used to sleeping with the TV or something rolling in the background. When I've tried to nix it I have paid for it with no sleep.
Anyone have tips that have worked for them to break this habit??

On the plus side I have not given in/up. And that has made a difference in my attitude. I'm hanging with it this time; in part because I have people in my cheering section and keeping me accountable.

Starting next week that ramps up a bit with a scale watcher. Can I tell you how much I hate anyone seeing that number but me?  Yeah - not a fan!  But it's another level of accountability so I am in!

So today I am on target all around and set to purge the house (and pantry) of some junk.

Oh yeah... and as for the scale... I am considering purging it from the house too. Hiding it didn't stop me!!! :P

Happy Saturday everyone! Keep going.  :O)
-Gina

What Today Holds

I've stared at this white, blank screen for a while now.
Usually when I hit the blog I have somewhere to go and something to say.
Tonight I just know it's been a while... and I promised myself to update regularly.
So here we are: me, the keyboard, and the blank white screen.

A friend's status on facebook the other day was basically something to the point of 'not everyone who smiles on the outside is really smiling on the inside.'

It struck a chord for me and I've thought about that a lot since I read it.

Why? Because "happy" is usually my mask of choice. It's my default. It's my "go-to" emotional shield.
Happy is generally non-offensive.
Happy is acceptable just about everywhere.

Happy is fine, but the "happy mask" = not so much fine.

Life contains good, bad, and ugly. But so often as believers we tend to share the good... maybe even the bad... but the ugly goes right under and hides.

If anyone knew the "ugly" they wouldn't want to be around me.  I'm the only person that struggles with _____ and if I share it I'll be ______. My "ugly" is just my problem and I have to deal with it.

Accept I've shared some of the "ugly" lately and you know the mask dropping got me? Other mask droppers along for the ride!!!  One who, bless her encouraging heart, without even possibly knowing the chord she hit actually USED the term "drop my mask."

Hiding in your mask; not sharing yourself; letting secrecy win - all those things serve to make the "ugly" stronger. They serve to make your bond to it tighter.

The Christ that I know didn't save me for bondage. He saved me to live free. And I'm going to keep sharing, keep fighting and keep tattling on myself!

Why? Because I refuse to live with my "uglies" as a fact of life anymore.

Today was most definitely a struggle. But tomorrow offers a new slate and it's one that I am taking.
The goal is not perfection. The goal is progress.
Score one for today!

Photo Album Rejects - Family Day

The months just fly by when you have crappy pictures to look forward to don't they?  :O)

For this week Melissa chose family photos which is an easy slam dunk for me!!

This little gem is a classic example of pictures of our family growing up.
1. Someone's (probably my grandmother) thumb,
2. The Bobsey twins in front - check out the curls... HOURS of preparation for that.
3. Half of my brother Gem is cut off.
4. I think it's about as far away as you can get and still take a picture

I love it!  :O)

Happy Easter, from my family to yours!
-Gina

See more classic pictures at:

What's on my mind? Nothing!

So a couple of days ago I talked about my goals which are now posted permanently to the left.
Help me out by asking how it's going. Some of you already have - THANK YOU!  :O)

I love, love, love hearing from so many of you that you are setting goals as well. Let's do it peeps!

I'm thinking tonight about what the next year holds. I just have a feeling it holds a lot.

Every year I "name" my year. For a lot of December I pray, think, and journal about where God has me and then get to the heart of where I think we're going in the next year.

This year is "healing."

I always think I know where we are going and I am almost always wrong! But my word has always nailed the year in some way.

I'm ready to be different. I'm ready for things to be different. 

I. Hate. Change! But I need different and I need change. Change is good. When you don't change it means that you are stagnant and I don't ever wanna be there. Go change!!

Frankly, my mind needs healing. My body definitely needs healing. It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical thing.

I'm ready to push through the ugly and be better and be who I am meant to be.

This year - healing - change.
It is scary and overwhelming to me but it is time.

Come with me! Get over it (whatever it is for you). Get through it.
Let's Go!

Hmm... guess there was something on my mind after all.  :O)

-Gina

Setting the Goals

Thanks friend Eric for throwing down the gauntlet today. I appreciate the offer to have some anonymous accountability, but who am I kidding! Go big, go the whole way, or go home.
:O)

So tonight, after 4 hours of Biggest Loser, I decided to set my goals up here and ask y'all to ASK ME how I'm doing. That may stink but it's what I need people.  Oh ha! And that totally makes me want to hurl thinking that anyone might actually but please, please do!  (AAAAAH!)

So I am setting some weekly goals and my long term goals.  Here they are in black and white.  Then I gotta go to bed so I can get up and work out! 

Weekly Goals:
Exercise - at least 30 minutes at least 4 days a week.
Food - High protein, high veggies - balance, balance, balance - kill the sugar (I'll be fleshing out the specs on this but I needed to get a start down)
Food - Stay within my calorie range (tracked by my handy "Lose It" app on the iPhone)
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm with the only exception being schoolwork (also AAAAH!)
Water - drink it, lots of it and every day - at least 125 oz per day

Overall Goals:
Lose 60 lbs by 12/31/10 (HOLY CRUD DID I JUST PUT A NUMBER DOWN???!!!)
Be back to my 20,000 steps a day each and every day by 12/31/10

Ok folks - it's there in black and white.   Must find a way to put these permanently in the sidebar. But must do that later!

My shoes and socks and handy DVD are ready to roll for tomorrow.
Let's do it!
(AARRR! - power yell)
-Ginabob

Change

It's funny In some ways. I remember reading in my journal in a recent re-read the following:
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that when you change you invite more change along for the ride."

Change is just in the air.
I feel a bit melancholy tonight. I'm not upset or sad though so maybe wistful is a better word.

I have had a lot of great conversations over this last week with people who are reading here. HI PEEPS!
I've guessed 4 readers and even gone as high as 7, but this last week has broadened my vision and shocked me quite a bit.

I think part of this current phase has been kicked off by some of what God has been teaching me and some of what you've been telling me.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the "next thing" in our lives that we forget to live and be fully in the current thing. One consistent thing in my life as a single has always been to never put my life on hold waiting for something to happen.

I have traveled the world, walked on the Great Wall, swam in the Dead Sea, ridden a camel in Israel, been almost run over in Ukraine, stood at the top of Niagara Falls, seen the lost city of Atlantis (well the Bahamas resort version at least), and visited the empty tomb outside Jerusalem. I have done so many things that I never would have dreamed possible growing up.

Never let what may happen in the future stop your "now."

Always live for HERE because HERE is all we are promised.

So maybe you cannot travel the world.

What can you do?

LOVE: Love with abandon. Love with ridiculous abandon. Love until your heart may break from the joy of it. Love people who cannot or will not love you back, just because you can. Love until it hurts!

LIVE:  Live each moment. Sometimes I catch myself still wishing today away. Yes - tomorrow will be spectacular. At this current season it is tempting to count days until I see a certain person. But any day wished away in lieu of another day is a God-given day wasted.
Live fully. Leave nothing behind at the end of the day. What is it that your are passionate about? Be there - do that. No excuse is valid to yourself for wasting a day by hiding somewhere.

HOPE: Now you may think because I mentioned that I didn't want to waste time wishing days away that I intend to tell you I do not hope for or think about my future. That is so not true. I live saturated in HOPE. That is why despite any circumstance that I may be facing or may face in the future I know I can LOVE and LIVE. Life is full of hope. So where you are now isn't where you want to be - guess what? You can make changes. Life not turning out as you intended (and trust me people I have many of those moments). The future is still laid out before you.  If you are granted another breath after the one you just took, then you my friend have a reasonable expectation to HOPE. Now don't waste it!

Love. Live. Hope.

:O)
Ginabob!

When I Figure It Out

I keep waiting for my "aha" moment. But I'm thinking that this time around I'm not going to get that.
This time around I may not have that magical moment that just gels into my brain.
I was e-mailing a friend today about Beth Moore's new book.
It's called "So Long Insecurity"
Perhaps you are in that vein of person that has no insecurities. If so - what the heck are you doing reading something written by ME the queen of insecure? Heh?  Rethink please.  :O)
I kid... I kid...

This book has been eye opening for the same reason that my Friday spill and the resulting e-mails and personal conversations (ME TOO moments) have been eye opening.

Beth Moore struggles with insecurity. Not only that people, but within the pages of her book are examples of numerous other women who struggle. Praise God - that some of them are even rowing in the same sea of insecurity as me.

Now I do not like to know that anyone is suffering. I sure wish that we lived in the World that God intended.
But we don't. We live in a fallen world and things are not going to be perfect.
Hallelujah friends - that means that I am not going to be perfect either.

So while I battle with my lifelong struggle (and the daily stuff that is thrown in for good measure) I have gained some valuable assets over the last few days.
In coming clean I have gotten several "me too" people. THANK YOU - and if you haven't let me know you're with me... please let me know so we can encourage each other.
Reading and commenting is so encouraging to me.

In coming clean I have gotten to hear some much needed encouragement.

The Goal is not perfection. The goal is progress. So mark today up as success!

The First Thing to Go

Ironically the first casualty this weekend was the bathroom scale which now resides on the laundry room shelves.
There is shall stay for a while.  Not sure how long yet.
One thing I realize about myself is that whenever I start something new the first thing I do is weigh. And then I keep weighing - often.
Soon the numbers become the gauge of how the days have gone. Frankly that is no way to gauge how the day has gone!
The new gauge is going to be what I've done as far as what's gone into my body and how much work I've put into my list (you know I love lists... you know there has to be a list coming right?!)
I'm still formulating the details of what this will look like. But have started out with just doing the same things I know to do already.
Oh and don't worry----- I still have a scale.
The Wii-otch** can weigh me when I work out!

**Wii-otch is my affectionate name for skippy the scale that comes with Wii fit. I hate her... I know you shouldn't hate anyone... but I do hate her. She says ugly things like "ooohhh" when you step on... and "that's obese" (while your Mii hangs her head in shame) after she weighs you. Sorry - oversharing again I know but who am I kidding right?!  :O)
Ok - night... I have some journaling and list making to do!

I'm Kinda Tired... Think I'll Go Home Now

I figure this is one of those posts that'll get me a call from my mother speaking about my Uncle Larry and implying (or just saying) that possibly I over-share.
Possibly... I do overshare.
I suppose my theory on this is that too many of us don't share enough!
I think more often than not we feel like the battles we face are just our battles.


I think it is in holding onto our struggles that they can gain their greatest power over us. More times than I can count in bible studies or over coffee (yeah I don't drink coffee really) a woman recounts a story to me while sobbing and the second that someone else (or ME) says "me too" the relief is palpable!

Well buckle in friends. Some of you are getting ready to say "ME TOO!" Maybe some of you are getting ready to say "Whatever?" And I hope the other four of you will at least say "hey I can pray for that!"

Know that for about two months I have attempted this little feat of blogging. While my struggle is obvious to the casual observer it is ironically still not easy to put in black and white. It is definitely not easy to put up on a blog even if it's for the possibility of accountability. There have been some people who have encouraged me to be transparent here (though they don't know it yet). Eric (real life friend) - Annie (person I blog-stalk :O) - and countless others.

If you clicked the links then you know where we are headed if you didn't already. If you don't have your clue yet then let me just get down to business.

My name is Gina.
And for more years that I can figure I've struggled with my weight. I'm not just an emotional over-eater. I'm a celebration-eater too. It's been with me in good times and bad; through sickness and health.
And right now - it's killing me.

I am not unaware of my weight. No chubby, fluffy, jolly, whatever person is. I am extremely conscious of it.
I always have been.
What I am aware of lately is my defensiveness of it and my acceptance of it.
That is what is unacceptable.

So here I am sitting in front of this monitor. Frankly teetering over the POST and Delete Keys.

But I'm done.

I'm done hiding and I'm ready to fight.

This is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for.

Why the heck am I doing this here? Because I realized that I need a "me too" moment as well. I need that something that will link me to others that have done it.  And there are LOTS of you out there that have. Those are the people that will help me along this path. Maybe this blog world will help in that as well.

The temptation was there to wait until I had some type of success to just spill the beans. But no... I want you here with me from day one.  And this is seriously day one.  Ugly - gritty - tear-stained day one.

Turning around and headed home.
Join me?

-Gina

Rebellion

Here's what I'm thinking.
I'm just refusing this crappy, weird winter blast that is threatening to hit us this weekend.
Absolutely just refusing it!
I have plans. Plans with my super boy friend and then plans to be at my wonderful church. I like adjectives have you noticed?
Plans that do not include snowfall or sleet.
They didn't really include rain either, but rain I can beat off with an umbrella.
But SNOW - seriously, it's flipping 67 degrees outside right now.

I know that this stuff coming right now cannot stick to anything because it is, let me repeat myself, 67 degrees outside right now!!!

OY.

Summer - get here already. M-k?

We'll return to your normal bloggyness (whatever that really is for all 7 of you I recounted - WOOT) later after the panic of SNOWSTORM - MARCH 10 passes.

Hugs and kisses
Ginabob

Things Normal People Would Never Tell you - Vacation Disasters

In reality - I have a LOT of weird vacation stories.  A - LOT.  :O) 
It seems that when I travel - especially when I travel out of the country - that strangeness follows me.
People try to grab me (China). I run into people that I know shopping for mail order brides (Ukraine).
Just you know - random for instances.


Picture if you will the return trip from my first overseas mission trip - wow 10 years ago! Due to unforeseen travel circumstances we have a lay-over in London. FUN! We'd been planning out our time. Lots and lots of things. Being the history buff that I am, I could not believe I was going to get to spend the day in such a great city.
We get into London to begin our site-seeing time, check into the hotel and so far all is well.
Beginning of the site-seeing we start out of our hotel walking in a big pack.
And less than 50 feet outside of our hotel I step on an un-even piece of the sidewalk and severely sprain my ankle.

J_O_Y  :O)

Some fun things to know about London.

You can see a ton of things from the top of a double-decker bus.
It helps if you have friends that tolerate your little injured self and ride the bus routes with you.
You can see a TON of things from the top of a double-decker bus.
Donna - Me - Jennifer - Loretta

Some other fun things to note:
The "friendly" hotel staff had never heard of an ace bandage and looked at me like a moron while I tried to describe it. I'm going to blame my southern accent for the chuckles.  BUT, but I found out later that the hotel we stayed in had a HOSPITAL right across the ROAD FROM IT!!!!!
I'm certain puffy ankle and tears should translate to injury in any language no?  :OP
Ankles that are badly sprained swell up to almost the size of your calves when you decide to run through airports on them with no crutches and then get on a plane for multiple hours. 
You know how sometimes your feet swell on planes.....................................................


Our British Air Flight attendant deserved to be flogged for his treatment of gimpy (me) on the way home.  If I see him again... and I will remember... I'm gonna kick him in the ankle and run away laughing. (probably not but it makes me smile to think about it!)

My doctor flat out told me I was an idiot for walking on my ankle like that.  i.d.i.o.t.  Then he laughed at me for quite a while - cause he loves me like that!

All of us, including me, didn't realize how bad it was until we got off the plane in Dallas.  By then it was pretty much too late... including for the plane to take us to AR... which we then had to wait a ridiculous amount of time for. I hate late flights.  I really hate late flights when I am cranky.  :O)

Ok - thus ends the saga of the Great London Ankle Injury.
You may now resume your normal lives.

J-O-Y - Part Two

Previously on this blog…  :O)

You are pre-warned - this is insanely long!

So now I’m worried.
Well not worried - concerned? I honestly didn’t realize that so many of you would get SO caught up in waiting for news. Who knew that many (any) people would be interested? And now I’m thinking you’re totally going to be like “whatever” when you find out I’m not:
1.) Engaged (which was like 100 of your guesses - possibly an exaggerated number or possibly not - seriously people when that happens. There will not be secrecy there will be blimps, fireworks, parties and billboards. (do you know me at all?!?  :O)
2.) Moving
3.) Quitting or some other massive life change

But interested you were and engaged I’m not.

When last we left it was Friday night and I was desperately listening and waiting for God to move.

Friday-DAY I had so much work to do. I was entering checks, listening to classes, doing the normal Friday shuffle.
But God kept knocking.
And I kept having to put it off and feeling more and more desperate for the time to listen. I can’t explain this feeling.  I mean, I work at a church for heaven’s sake but I felt like I couldn’t stop long enough to process and had to just push it down over and over again.

Desperate. To. Hear.

Oh I am sorry I think this may get long because of how many things I have to explain to explain how COOL this was for me… and WHY I was so excited at the way so much unfolded. I’m tempted to break it up into another blog but I think some of you would kill me.

Years ago I started praying something very, very specific. It’s actually even pre-blog days so that’s why I have to explain and can’t just link. I started to pray for God to change my name based on Jacob wrestling with God and God changing his name. At the time I started praying it I didn’t have a complete concept of what it meant. But I knew I needed change. Over the course of that year (I think 2004) I realized that at that time my “name” was fear. I was afraid of so much in my life. I wanted my name to be (Fear Not).

Specifically I knew with no doubt that God was asking me to sing/speak in front of people something to which I had repeatedly said NO, NOPE, NO-WAY - uh-UH. You hearing me?  :O) I had tried. It had not worked. I had freaked out. I was afraid. And Praise Team? Please! all those thousand eyes staring back - ain’t no way folks.   F_E_A_R took over even thinking about it.

So 2005-ish (I need my journal here… and don’t have it) God radically changed my name via a super lady named Candi. She encouraged me to get on out there and start singing. Really this deserves its own post! This led to not only singing in a ladies group on the “big stage” on a Sunday morning in front of thousands but to leading worship at a retreat, helping to lead at other events, and in a step that is miraculous beyond the explaining if you haven’t walked the road with me, singing by myself at both a wedding and a church service).
All that led to me finally stepping up and trying out for Praise Team for church and being blessed to be able to sing actually hold a mic and sing in the place I had sworn I would never, ever stand.
That picture and thought still brings me to tears because it was so beyond me. I’m not the most talented by so far but to be able to be used was/is amazing.

See “fear” my old name had been changed to FEAR NOT. I marked that occasion (the first one) with a silver ring engraved with those words which I still wear. It was to remind me that no step onto any stage or podium will ever be my power.

Ok - enough back story - back to 2010 people.  Still here?

Friday night - desperation is setting in and I start praying for God to start to speak gently please. I can’t take radical this weekend. I have two finals and two papers. K? Thanks.

When I finally put head to pillow on Friday night it is with much prayer that God would reveal the whatever. And I’m thinking at this point that I’m getting a clue.
We’ve slipped a bit because there is a word that is back in my vocabulary in a big, big way.

Guesses?

Fear.  Afraid of what comes next. I’m graduating in December. What happens then? What will the next year bring? So many things seem up in the air right now and I and not in control.

Fear.  But God had already changed my name. What happens now? I’m a MESS. Is God through? What is next?

Somewhere in the middle of Friday I was sent a blog link to Travis Cottrell which I read on Saturday night

Now it’s long too - so I won’t make you read it (but you SO should)
But here is an excerpt:

“There is nothing God cannot do.

So in conclusion, please hear this: Fear not.

Fear not.

God has not left you. God has not chosen you to be the one who has circumstances or mental and emotional make-up that is beyond change. Your struggles, your mountain, your pain is not beyond Him. Who are we to ever be so presumptuous to think that we would actually be the ones who have issues beyond the reach of God's power?”

Gina Here again….
aka Fear Not.

WOW

I sat there - literally on the floor - just sobbing. Cause if you ever asked for God to just come right out and tell you something and maybe tailor it RIGHT to you. Well then there you have it.

Saturday night the burdens of numerous months lifted in moments because of one reminder.

Gina - I changed your name - Fear not. I’m not done with you.

Circumstances have not changed. Still have no answers but I am not afraid because God reminded me that he already changed my name.

Fear. Not.

Oh - and cause God’s just like that… and likes to reinforce reminders… I got to be on Praise Team THIS Sunday - i.e..THE Sunday that would be the day after He chose to rock my world.

And would anyone like to guess what Josh Stanbery’s devotional was for the morning of Sunday, March 14th for the Praise Team??
Cause you’re kinda not going to believe it people?  :O)
Really - you’re not…

Jacob - wrestling with God - and God changing his name.

Believe it or not - the 2 ½ page version that you just read/scanned IS the recap version. Because there are details that are too personal to recount for blog-land. And there are other details that I think I may share later. I can't help it. God is good and you don't want to keep that to yourself!!!!!

But let me rephrase what I said on twitter.

May I never get over: where God has taken me from, what He has brought me through and what He is doing! So good. He is SO good.

It's about the J-O-Y - Part 1

As promised a little peek at the weekend though I am sure that no words do it justice.
Let's just go back to Friday. We could go back further. But Friday was the beginning of this little joy-sprout so it seems like a good place to start.
Oh, maybe Thursday night.... yeah let's go there for just a second!
Ok - so my lack of sleep might possibly interfere with this little diatribe but some of you are just chomping at the bit!

Thursday night was a marathon of class watching and in the middle of it God started knocking. Sometimes God is subtle - He whispers. Sometimes, not so much and the Thursday/Friday combo was of the not so subtle variety.

I have been so stressed out about the details of everything working out. How am I going to get all these pages read? I have no more papers in me right now. How in the world can I write 21 pages? I have no energy. I have barely slept for weeks. I am spent. <---- Gina's mindset circa Thursday/Friday morning.

Knock/knock - God on Thursday  -
Hi Gina you're really stressing out here. You do realize you don't have to go this alone right?
Me - Eh - it's just a couple of paper, pages, no sleep, life is crazy, general things I can't blog about rightnownuttynessinsomanywayshtaticantevenfindspacesforitkindalife... I'll be fine thanks.
God - Ok

Thursday night I barely slept. Frankly I cried almost the entire night because I was so tired.stressed.frantic.tired.emotional.worried.TIRED.

Friday - Work.

Knock/Knock - God on Friday
I'm not sure exactly at what point in my day on Friday this occurred but I do remember walking over to my friend Tiffany's office and confessing I was fairly certain God was speaking and I had (GET THE IRONY HERE) no TIME to listen!
Somehow the day passed on Friday (if you Facebook/twitter) you noticed that God got some shots in there during the day as well) and I made it home determined that no matter what it took and even if it meant that something didn't get done, I was listening.

And Speak. He. Did.

Now I don't want to cliffhanger you - but I'm gonna - because this girl is working on 4 hours sleep. While it's been an incredible day (Thanks to many things and people) it's been exausting.
So I wanted to set your minds at ease (since some of you had some crazy, nutty theories that I had some insanely good news up my sleeves)
-G-night from G-Joy.

Compassion: Kenya

I've been following the bloggers who've been on the Compassion trip in Kenya. So many times on these trips I read these posts and just bawl thinking about the kids who have yet to be sponsored. So many kids who just need a ray of hope in their lives. $38 a month can make a huge difference. My own Compassion child (Grace) lives in Tanzania and I hope to get to see her in person someday. But until then I see her in so many of these faces on so many of these trips.
The post today by Brad just broke me and I wanted to share it with you guys.
If you have ever considered sponsoring STOP considering and go for it!
Father to the Fatherless

Ebenezer

I was positive that I had written about this before but I cannot find it anywhere.
So I'll mark my night/week/month/year by marking my ebenezer stone here on the blog.
Well - it's already in my journal... this is just maybe something for someone else.
You know I always say I hate to waste a lesson so that's why I share!  :O)

1 Sam 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

I really don't remember the first time I heard this analogy. I have a feeling it was Beth Moore, cause Beth is just like that! But it's a term I have used many times since the first time I heard it.

For me an Ebenezer is a marker in my life when God does something that is so astounding/profound that I have to put down some stones for posterity and say "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

It's a reminder of where I've been. I can pick up some of those markers (and some are actual physical rocks!) and I can know that God has been there with every step.

Ebenezer - Up to this moment, God has helped me.

I started to write a very different blog tonight but somewhere in the middle of it God just came down and I pulled away for a few hours. Because when God speaks I hope I always drop it all and listen.

Ebenezer

It's no secret. I've blogged it. I've tweeted it. I've facebooked it. I've talked about it with the people I love.
I have just felt broken, brokenhearted. A lot goes into that personally.
I have no doubt that I am His child. But God has in many ways seemed silent for a while in some key areas.
I was a bit angry about that. I needed a word, but no word seemed to come. So I went silent too. Two can play this bit.
I wrote a few weeks ago about fearing becoming Marah (bitter) and wanting to be Hephzibah. Still there was silence and brokenness.
And instead of retreating IN... I moved a little further away.

Tonight I revisited some of the old stones - Ebenezer.
There are places I remember, ugly places where God pulled me through. Ebenezer
There are joyful places where God revealed and I joyfully danced. Ebenezer
There were painful places where God gently led me and healed me. Ebenezer
There is a place - where God showed up and no one could doubt that something miraculous had happened.
Ebenezer

Ebenezer
Little markers to God's faithfulness.
Am I really doubting now that He is good and He does what is good? Am I really focusing on myself when His holiness and faithfulness have been my shield for so many years? Am I really arrogant enough to think that I can pick up just fine here now thankyouverymuch and do it by myself?

So I have wrestled with the brokenhearted-ness this time and come back again to the fact that "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

Tonight I have marked another ebenezer stone because, while I still have no answer I have a promise and I will hold it in my heart.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ebenezer