Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's Not You... It's Him

One of my favorite ways for God to speak is when something else entirely is going on and He presses on my heart.

If you're a believer you know exactly what I am talking about. You can be sitting and listening to a sermon on whatever and He just takes you somewhere else entirely.

It happened to me, so sweetly, last night in choir practice.

I've been struggling lately - that's not news to anyone - with all the change in my life. I crave change. I'm always up for God to move me somewhere else or change my situation, physically that is. When it comes to emotional/spiritual changes I can be less than enthusiastic (let's be honest right?!).

But I've been struggling because I have been asking for direct answers - God sized movements - CHANGE in my time - and it just isn't happening.

In reality I know that God's plans are better than mine. That's real information to me. It is not a theoretical thing. I know it like I know my name. His ways are better. His plans are always better. His choices for me are what I need.

But I fight it because sometimes I'm rebellious and just want what I want when I want it! And sometimes in fighting it I screw things up. Sometimes I screw things up enthusiastically and massively (it's an adverb/adjective night I'm thinking).

In the fight, when things inevitably self-destruct, I can get desperate to get back. Sometimes you doubt whether you can hear God at all anymore. Have I gone too far? Have I finally hit the mark where He cannot find me? I know these things will never be true. But desperation can speak loud and ugly lies!

Where was I?

Oh yes... I was in choir.

We had an incredible rehearsal last night. Our guest director (Dick Hill) was encouraging and such a blessing. But I was finally still and letting my heart take a break from my desperation so God chose to whisper. He never needs to shout when I hit desperation. A whisper always works at that point.

There it was - clear as day. You won't be disappointed if I don't detail it right?  :O) I hope not... cause I'm not gonna.

Let's just say that He is clearly not done working and I am going to stop trying to give direction. I am going to stop listening to everyone else's good advice and wait for His Word to speak.

When I get down to the core of myself I realize that I want to trust His direction but there are so many competing voices. So many other people seem to know better.

I. Trust. Him.

He has never, ever let me down. I can trust that.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Saturday Update - Did I tell you it's been a long week?

This change thing stinks!  :O)

I have yet to hit the exercise stride for various reasons... that'll change today. Today = either walking or Wii fit come what may!

Water = win
Food = almost a complete win (we've already covered that though. :O) )

I think one of the biggest "yays" for this week was not giving up because it was a stinky, stinky week! I'm happy to have the weekend here now and be able to unload emotionally and physically.

AND, and, and.... I'm at 10 lbs down now.  WOO!

Ok - off to clean and walk.

Have a great Saturday everyone


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

When Life Happens

One words sums up the last few days quite nicely - difficult!

I won't go into the specifics of why for various reasons. Let's just say that sometimes even after all the waiting I've done in my life, I still don't "wait well" when it comes to hard days. Hope is good... but long term hope can just be a painful thing some days/weeks. Even other folk's happy news can end up as a painful stab in those times. And when said week includes a ridiculous wave of other people's "happy" sometimes it gets tough to work up a good response.

So I have cried and prayed. I have ranted a bit with some of my gal-pals. I so, so love that my friends get me as well as they do. I love that we can laugh the grumpy away without even saying much - and with each other completing sentences for the other one!  :O)

In the 'difficult' I learned another important thing. It involved me taking a fall and then picking myself up and starting again.

I'm an emotion-eater. That's not news. I dropped that bombshell in the beginning right?
What I learned this week is that one seemingly simple thing can start a chain reaction that ends with me overloading on carbs and sugar.  And when you compound the simple things together they can easily become one ugly dark cloud... the end of which seems obviously to be (oh random example) food from Taco Bueno and a Reese's Blast from Sonic.

About halfway through said carb/sugar binge I felt ill and actually could not continue.
It wasn't just the food that was making me sick. It was the realization of what was happening = choosing food over dealing with the "difficult."
After weeks on a great diet, that sugar/carb binge makes you sick.  THEN you wake up feeling crappy too. Ok so this may be obvious - but it's here in black and white to remind ME!!!!

In days gone by a bad day always, always equaled a bad week. The week was blown in my old brain so I could just continue to slough off until Monday.
This morning - I got right back on. (Pats self on back)

Things are going to happen. Things are not going to go the way I want them too all the time. I am re-programming Y-E-A-R-S of one response always being my go-to. It will not be easy. But half the battle is identifying the problem.

Next.  :O)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Heart Stuff and a check-in

So something that I learned about myself early on in life that is important to know is that I am a burden-bearer.
What do you mean by that Gina?

I think it's the counselor's heart within me. I attract hurting people and they often (even without knowing me long) spill deep dark hurts out to me. I think sometimes even they are amazed at what they have just told me. I've seen that look a lot: "why did I just say that?" or "I've never told anyone that." Those are common themes in my conversations and have been for a long time.

Well duh - that is why I am getting my MA in Counseling... so I can counsel!  So it's a good thing that people feel comfortable with me and sharing with me.

But what I've learned over these last probably 5 years or so is that in being a burden bearer I often find myself with loads of burden and no where to go.
When you are the person that people tell their problems to, who do YOU tell your problems to?

Now I know that my Christian friends and I have the obvious answer for that. And I do take them right where they need to go.

If you give me a problem and I carry it, I carry it directly to Him. But man sometimes it is hard to leave it there.

Oh - sidetrack there - sorry!  :P

What I learned about myself is that I tend to stuff my own problems inside because I don't want to burden someone else!  Some of you aren't going to believe that because I share way much... I over-share.  I hear the word "transparent" used to describe me a lot.

But you wanna know something crazy? You can be transparent without actually being completely transparent!!

I have my line of where you can see and where you cannot see and for years no one crossed it.

A few years back God brought two very Godly and wise people into my life who ripped the fire outta my lines and barriers. They forced me to be down and dirty honest.  Oh thank God for people who don't take happiness at its face value all the time and aren't afraid to dig into the deep things.

Life has not been the same.

I still struggle with the line sometimes. No I will not spill every deep dark secret I have onto the internet for anyone and everyone. But yes there are a small handful of people who know me down to the U-G-L-Y and I am blessed to call them friend.

What about you? Remember, when you hide you live in bondage to the thing you are hiding. Satan loves secrecy because he can use it as a constant weapon.

Come out of the shadows with me. Live in the Sonshine - it is absolutely spectacular!

I have done so much better this week!  With the exception of one off meal I have done exactly what I should including insane amounts of water and (SOB) no caffeine!!!  :O) 
I feel great and (she says proudly) I've finally started losing again. 8 lbs down!

Keep at it people.  We can do this together.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Goal Check!

Well I intended to do the goal check up on Wed but didn't get to it.  :OP
So I'm taking it on Saturday.
So far - mini-steps are going to have to do for this week. I got almost none of my exercise in, not all of my water, and my food was horrible.
One of my biggest challenges seems to be bedtime. If I could get to sleep, then I could get up in the morning and work out. That's throwing me off.
I'm used to sleeping with the TV or something rolling in the background. When I've tried to nix it I have paid for it with no sleep.
Anyone have tips that have worked for them to break this habit??

On the plus side I have not given in/up. And that has made a difference in my attitude. I'm hanging with it this time; in part because I have people in my cheering section and keeping me accountable.

Starting next week that ramps up a bit with a scale watcher. Can I tell you how much I hate anyone seeing that number but me?  Yeah - not a fan!  But it's another level of accountability so I am in!

So today I am on target all around and set to purge the house (and pantry) of some junk.

Oh yeah... and as for the scale... I am considering purging it from the house too. Hiding it didn't stop me!!! :P

Happy Saturday everyone! Keep going.  :O)

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

What Today Holds

I've stared at this white, blank screen for a while now.
Usually when I hit the blog I have somewhere to go and something to say.
Tonight I just know it's been a while... and I promised myself to update regularly.
So here we are: me, the keyboard, and the blank white screen.

A friend's status on facebook the other day was basically something to the point of 'not everyone who smiles on the outside is really smiling on the inside.'

It struck a chord for me and I've thought about that a lot since I read it.

Why? Because "happy" is usually my mask of choice. It's my default. It's my "go-to" emotional shield.
Happy is generally non-offensive.
Happy is acceptable just about everywhere.

Happy is fine, but the "happy mask" = not so much fine.

Life contains good, bad, and ugly. But so often as believers we tend to share the good... maybe even the bad... but the ugly goes right under and hides.

If anyone knew the "ugly" they wouldn't want to be around me.  I'm the only person that struggles with _____ and if I share it I'll be ______. My "ugly" is just my problem and I have to deal with it.

Accept I've shared some of the "ugly" lately and you know the mask dropping got me? Other mask droppers along for the ride!!!  One who, bless her encouraging heart, without even possibly knowing the chord she hit actually USED the term "drop my mask."

Hiding in your mask; not sharing yourself; letting secrecy win - all those things serve to make the "ugly" stronger. They serve to make your bond to it tighter.

The Christ that I know didn't save me for bondage. He saved me to live free. And I'm going to keep sharing, keep fighting and keep tattling on myself!

Why? Because I refuse to live with my "uglies" as a fact of life anymore.

Today was most definitely a struggle. But tomorrow offers a new slate and it's one that I am taking.
The goal is not perfection. The goal is progress.
Score one for today!

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Photo Album Rejects - Family Day

The months just fly by when you have crappy pictures to look forward to don't they?  :O)

For this week Melissa chose family photos which is an easy slam dunk for me!!

This little gem is a classic example of pictures of our family growing up.
1. Someone's (probably my grandmother) thumb,
2. The Bobsey twins in front - check out the curls... HOURS of preparation for that.
3. Half of my brother Gem is cut off.
4. I think it's about as far away as you can get and still take a picture

I love it!  :O)

Happy Easter, from my family to yours!

See more classic pictures at:

What's on my mind? Nothing!

So a couple of days ago I talked about my goals which are now posted permanently to the left.
Help me out by asking how it's going. Some of you already have - THANK YOU!  :O)

I love, love, love hearing from so many of you that you are setting goals as well. Let's do it peeps!

I'm thinking tonight about what the next year holds. I just have a feeling it holds a lot.

Every year I "name" my year. For a lot of December I pray, think, and journal about where God has me and then get to the heart of where I think we're going in the next year.

This year is "healing."

I always think I know where we are going and I am almost always wrong! But my word has always nailed the year in some way.

I'm ready to be different. I'm ready for things to be different. 

I. Hate. Change! But I need different and I need change. Change is good. When you don't change it means that you are stagnant and I don't ever wanna be there. Go change!!

Frankly, my mind needs healing. My body definitely needs healing. It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical thing.

I'm ready to push through the ugly and be better and be who I am meant to be.

This year - healing - change.
It is scary and overwhelming to me but it is time.

Come with me! Get over it (whatever it is for you). Get through it.
Let's Go!

Hmm... guess there was something on my mind after all.  :O)