If I could pick out the moment where my life forever changed in these last 3 weeks, it would not be the one most people would expect.
Yes, hearing that my super hubs had a massive heart attack was life changing, but not the most significant moment for me.
For me, it would be the moment at 3 am when they took my love away for a scan to test for a blood clot in his lungs.
He’d been sick up to that point. He had almost died just days earlier, but in the previous 24 hours he had taken a bad turn and really did not look or feel well.
And at 3 am at the foot of his empty hospital bed I had a choice of what I would do. I was alone for the first time in days. And at 3 am I couldn’t reach out to many people.
I was terrified. For the first time in the whole process I realized exactly what was happening.
First I sobbed, because I hadn’t really cried yet in the days before. Then I realized that the only person who had any control in the whole situation was there in the room with me.
I think we always wonder who we will be when life knocks us back. Where will we turn? What will we say?
These last few months have been a constant stream of test, doctors, herbs, medicines, hormones and desperate prayers while we tried to conceive. We've already been through so much all the time wondering... at least me wondering... where God could possibly be. Why the delay? Why is such a simple thing for millions of other people out of our reach?
And at 3 am, at the foot of a hospital bed, I just got to lay it all out there. I won't share everything, because that's 'me and God' stuff. But I will tell you this: I still don't know why.
I have no answers for why bad things happen to people who are doing their best to serve and trust God. I have no answers for why any bad things happen to anyone.
But I do know this.
When life knocks this family back - we run to - we sprint towards - we dive into - the One who created us.
Would I like answers? Yes.
Would I like a baby? Yep.
But if I don't get either, is He still good?
Tonight I still go back to the first song that pulled up on my playlist that night. Because:
"... I will call upon Your name. And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise. My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"