Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's Not You... It's Him

One of my favorite ways for God to speak is when something else entirely is going on and He presses on my heart.

If you're a believer you know exactly what I am talking about. You can be sitting and listening to a sermon on whatever and He just takes you somewhere else entirely.

It happened to me, so sweetly, last night in choir practice.

I've been struggling lately - that's not news to anyone - with all the change in my life. I crave change. I'm always up for God to move me somewhere else or change my situation, physically that is. When it comes to emotional/spiritual changes I can be less than enthusiastic (let's be honest right?!).

But I've been struggling because I have been asking for direct answers - God sized movements - CHANGE in my time - and it just isn't happening.

In reality I know that God's plans are better than mine. That's real information to me. It is not a theoretical thing. I know it like I know my name. His ways are better. His plans are always better. His choices for me are what I need.

But I fight it because sometimes I'm rebellious and just want what I want when I want it! And sometimes in fighting it I screw things up. Sometimes I screw things up enthusiastically and massively (it's an adverb/adjective night I'm thinking).

In the fight, when things inevitably self-destruct, I can get desperate to get back. Sometimes you doubt whether you can hear God at all anymore. Have I gone too far? Have I finally hit the mark where He cannot find me? I know these things will never be true. But desperation can speak loud and ugly lies!

Where was I?

Oh yes... I was in choir.

We had an incredible rehearsal last night. Our guest director (Dick Hill) was encouraging and such a blessing. But I was finally still and letting my heart take a break from my desperation so God chose to whisper. He never needs to shout when I hit desperation. A whisper always works at that point.

There it was - clear as day. You won't be disappointed if I don't detail it right?  :O) I hope not... cause I'm not gonna.

Let's just say that He is clearly not done working and I am going to stop trying to give direction. I am going to stop listening to everyone else's good advice and wait for His Word to speak.

When I get down to the core of myself I realize that I want to trust His direction but there are so many competing voices. So many other people seem to know better.

I. Trust. Him.

He has never, ever let me down. I can trust that.