Monday, June 07, 2010


My heart is tender right now.

My heart is tender to lots of things just about all the time. Some things always move me to tears - weddings, hurting people, love, death - you get the picture.

But right now my heart is tender-er than normal (yeah - not great grammar).

I feel thin-skinned. It's not in a way that I am easily offended at things but in a way that seems like the slightest emotion can bruise me. The most innocuous conversation can bring me to tears.

My heart is just tender right now.

I've spent a couple of days trying to figure out what's at the root of where I am emotionally. It's not hormonal. It's not entirely situational.

I think I am on the edge of something huge because of all the things in life that just seem uncertain. In the middle of that I think that God is preparing my heart for new things and new growth.

The analogy that I keep thinking of in all this is how you tenderize meat: you beat the crap out of it. In the past year I have had situations and people that have done just that. People and situations in this past year have challenged me, broken me, and in some cases hurt me.
Being hurt is a part of life. Being hurt is a by-product of loving people.
I used the words "broken" and "brokenhearted" a lot this year.  Things that seem vital to my happiness have been, and still are, ultimately out of my hands. That leaves me feeling out of control. If you know me... out of control is not in my comfort zone of emotions.
I know that ultimately my happiness comes from my relationship with Christ. Really my joy comes from there and there are a LOT of joyful moments in my life.

I do a lot of celebrating too.

But my heart is tender right now.

While I think I may be rambling a bit I do have a point.

I'm on several journeys in my life.
I'm working hard to be healthy and lose weight.
I'm walking through new territory being totally in love with an incredible man that I've been dating for almost two years. Going from life-long singleton to a long-term relationship is a joy but definitely a challenge as well.
I'm daily working on my relationship with Christ and learning about grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I'm daily working on my relationships with friends and family - trying to be a good daughter, friend, sister and aunt.
Right now a lot of blogging seems be focused on the weight-loss journey. While my weight doesn't define me it has influenced a lot of other areas in my life and I am working to change that. Since many of you are as well, I have chosen to fight this publicly in order to hopefully help you while I learn and struggle.

Possibly because I have been so open about it... it has added another tender spot in my heart.
I so wish that my emotions weren't this close to the surface right now. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel decidedly uncomfortable.

I am however, not giving up or in. I am pushing on. I am going to continue laughing, loving, screwing up, getting back up, apologizing when needed, crying when needed and living life.

Since we're in this boat together... I'll probably keep blogging too.  :O)
How are y'all doing?
I'd sure love to hear.


Debbie said...

I can certainly relate to your tender heart situation. I have gone through times like that myself. I used to think that I was too thin-skinned; I was always being hurt it seemed.

But I have come to the conclusion that it is better to let the hurtful, painful circumstances and situations be used by God to tenderize your heart. The alternative is not letting God use the painful The result of not letting Him work (yes, we have a choice--He won't force us to comply) is becoming hard and bitter.

Same pain. Different results.

Jeff said...

I just have to tell you that you are in fact my favorite sister, so I think you are doing pretty good there. And my kids sure love their Aunt Gina. I don't know if a day goes by that AllieRose fails to mention that she is just like her Aunt Gina. We are all looking forward to seeing you soon. Hopefully between the two of us, there will be a lot less to see than there was the last time. : )

Love you lil sister!!

Dani J said...

I hope to one day be able to fully experience my emotions, whether they be joy, pain, anger, disappointment, while still trusting and believing God. I often find myself believing lies when I experience negative emotions. I want to be fully present in Christ when I am emotional. Don't really know how to do that, but I think that's a worthy thing to work towards since our emotions are very much a part of true life.

Jenn said...

So glad you stopped by my blog today! Just remember that you are NOT alone! Neither of us is giving up... on the weight loss journey, or the other journeys that God has us on! We are blessed and beautiful and special!!!

Have a wonderful day!!

Gina said...

Debbie - you are absolutely right! Thanks for sharing.

Jeff - my little mini-me... God bless you for the future. :O) Hopefully hers will be smoother than mine!

Dani - you never cease to encourage me. Proud of the journey that you are on. It will be worth it to find that spot where you can feel things fully and not hear the lies.

Jenn - thank you SO much! I agree with you. We're worth it.