Not There Yet

I think one of the things that I am still really struggling with overall is my perceptions of things versus reality.
I consider myself a pretty positive person.

But lately I am fighting a daily mental battle that is so strong I am having to daily remind myself that God is bigger.

I think a lot of it boils down to all the "down" time that I have had over this last year.
But I have noticed that it has gotten progressively worse in the last few months.
What do I attribute it to?

Marriage.

Now hang on... I did NOT say my husband.  I said marriage.  :O)

Hubs is super-duper. Didn't we cover that in an earlier post?

I think I shall call this syndrome the  "aren't things supposed to be perfect now?" syndrome.

When you've lived the first 36 years of your life as a singleton it is easy to build marriage (or just not being single) up into the perfect scenario.
Life will be all roses and candlelight if I can just find the man of my dreams.
I won't still struggle with self doubt when I have someone who has chosen to be with only me.
I won't still have self image issues when he finally gets here.

Ladies (and gents I suppose) that is a lie, lie, lie.
Issues you carry with you before you say "I do," you will carry with you after.

And some issues that you thought you had "fixed" will rear up their ugly little head again.
I remember reading somewhere that God didn't give us marriage to make us happy but to make us holy.
So lately I've been thinking a lot about that.
Remember in the Old Testament when something needed to be purified how they managed that task?
Water, blood or FIRE.

Numbers 31:2
everything that can stand the fire, you shall pass through the fire, and it shall be clean, but it shall be purified with water for impurity. But whatever cannot stand the fire you shall pass through the water.

Living life in intimate, daily contact with someone can be like walking through fire. It is definitely like walking through a spotlight. Little things can be big issues quick when someone else is always there.

Tonight, despite this seemingly depressing post,  :O) I bring hope.

The one who called you to the life you now lead is preparing you for the life that is to come.

He. Is. With. You. 
He won't leave you alone to sit and soak in your "issue" of the day.
He is with you right where you are at this second even if it is a purifying fire or a drenching downpour of grief.

Isaiah 43:2
 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Be encouraged if/when you are walking through the fire of purification or water.

Singed but blessed. :O)
-Gina

Who The Heck Am I?

I keep starting and stopping different topics here.
In fact, the title remains empty.
I have no idea where I am going with this yet.
But as I was sitting down to journal, I felt the need to blog.
So here I sit. Here on the couch I sit, with no ideas.

I think I'm in a bit of an identity crisis.
When you move from one phase of life into another I guess that is normal.
Me - I've had a whole lotta change in a short amount of time.
So I suppose that crisis is normal.
I've had two major identifiers for the last several years that are either starting to not apply or are just gone.

1 - The single girl
So I'm clearly not single anymore. But the other night, when the pastor was talking about married stuff, I caught myself in the single-girl mindset. I can't figure out a way to explain that mindset. But if you're single, and you have ever sat through a sermon about marriage, you "get" me. I've been married 2 months. But I was single for 36 years. So I guess I can cut myself some slack there. It was a startling "wake up" kinda deal for me to find my single girl brain still so engaged. Oh I wish I could come up with better words here. Any of my "single for a long time" newlyweds feeling me here? Maybe I'll process through it and come back to explain.

2 - The fat girl
Even after the drastic weight drop I am still chunky. That's changing. But it's still there. I'm not the clearly obese girl anymore and that's a mental transition. I can fit places now that I didn't before. I'm different but haven't made some of the critical thought adjustments that I need to yet. This mindset hits me in some strange places - recently at the grocery store and a restaurant.
I've been overweight since my teens. Honestly, the thought of my life without that identifier is something I cannot seem to completely grasp.
The weight I'm at now is a 16 year low - 16 YEARS.
I'm not only not sure how to make that adjustment, I'm not sure who I'll be in the coming months.
In my entire adult life I have never been a normal weight. I have always felt like the "big" girl.

Who do I become when that label no longer defines me to myself?

Wondering
-Gina

The Day I Almost Ran

Well it's  been over a month since I got down in the dust to fight this depression full on with no  place to hide.
It's been a month of change.
I've seen good days and bad days.
But for the first time in probably a year I can finally say that my good days are starting to outnumber my bad days.
It's a milestone that I am not sure you can fully appreciate until you've been at the place where the days stretch on hopelessly before you.
So many of you responded to me that you've been there or you are there.
I wish I could give you a good picture of it. Really the night I hit publish on that blog the reponses were immediate. I literally sat in front of the laptop for hours reading and crying.
Many people understood.
Many people had come out the other side.
It is such a big thing to take part of the stigma of shame out of the equation. It is such a huge thing to have the people I love most in the world affirm that they are here for the duration; that I am not un-mendably broken; that one day or another I will be ok.

I think one of my biggest markers of change occurred this past Sunday morning on praise team. Unfortunately my body responds to adrenaline by shaking. The more adrenaline the more uncontrollable the shaking. It's mortifying to me because it looks like I am nervous... but really I'm not!
So one of my reactions to this in the past has been a massive anxiety attack/panic attack.
Sunday morning at the very start of our first song the panic started to creep in.
Now part of the medicine the doctor put me on 6 weeks ago was an anxiety component.
Despite that I knew a full blown attack was coming on. And what was I suppossed to do? I was on stage, with a mic, in front of thousands of people??

Fight
or
Flight

Somewhere inside of me this time a calmness started to spread. If I had run off the stage I probably would never have been able to face that moment of fear and panic again (this I know from my prior history). In a split second and while still singing I had to make the decision to run or stay.
It hit me there that no matter what I was about to press through.
Even if I passed out I was staying put.
The anxiety did not entirely pass... but it also did not overtake me.
There are NO words for how huge that is.
I am still fighting friends.
Stay in there with me.
If you are still battling I would still love to talk to you.
The struggle will be worth it someday. This is something I know without any doubt.
-Changing
-Gina

Honesty in change

As I start this post tonight I am still not sure that I will hit publish.
I am still not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
I written before that I believe secrecy is a tool that the enemy uses against us. When we hide who we are and what we are dealing with we give it power over us.
And I have been giving something in my life power over me for far too long.
At the end of the year when I wrote this post, I already knew that I was headed towards a decision on posting this or not. Honestly, I've leaned towards not.
Something within me still wanted to hang onto an image that I was ok - that I was not really broken. I was just lazy or crazy. Nothing was really wrong with me. I could just "pull it together."
So I continued to suffer in silence.
in a deep dark place
in a hopeless place
in a lonely place

It was more than a funky mood. As weeks went on early in 2010 I knew that I was in trouble but refused to face it. Things in my life were so good. I had found the love of my life. I was doing well in school. My job was stressful (at times) but wonderful and fulfilling.

But inside I was tanking. I knew it. People close to me knew it.
If you have ever suffered from depression or loved someone who does you know this hole well.
In coming clean with a few key people recently I realized that I was not alone.

This secret was hiding me. I had slipped back down into a deep depression that was slowly taking me over.

The me I know had gone away to be replaced by someone who really only wanted to stay in a dark room.
It's not my first time in this place. But this time I was really sure that I wasn't coming out of it.

So I finally went for help. This is where I struggle most though. It's the thing that is hard for so many believers to admit. I am back on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs. I so wanted to believe when I got better that I no longer needed the medicine. Surely I was fixed now.
But I was wrong.
For some of us depression and and anxiety have a chemical component. Something is off in our bodies. We feel out of control and powerless. We KNOW that things should be different but we cannot climb out of the hole.
Just as diabetics can be helped by insulin so can some depressions be lifted by fine tuning the chemicals in our brains.
And how incredible is my God who not only gave man the wisdom to fine tune, but gave him the tools as well!?!
I am not a failure because I am on medication to help me through this.
If you are here too... you are not a failure either.
I think I needed to say that because I know what some people will say.
If you want a debate on this... my blog is NOT the place for it. God and I have gone rounds on this one and I believe that yes I need counseling to learn how to cope with some things. But I clearly needed more help.
He is good.
He is trustworthy.
He is not a God of condemnation.
He is not willing to leave me alone in this pit.

If you are relating; If you are in this same place; maybe this confessional is for you. Maybe my tears can save you some.
I am broken. But I am healing.
I was a hopeless person who has glimpsed a light of hope.

My 2011 word is Change. When I picked that word it scared me so much because I knew where we were headed.

And now:
I. Am. Ready

-Changing
Gina

Change

So that's my word for 2011. And it still scares me.
But I know that things have to be different.
Yes I am still being vague.
Yes that is intentional.
This week has seen some subtle movements in my life that I pray are the indicators that something is about to give.
I believe that God is still working.
Why? If you go back and read the post right before I posted about my chosen word for the year... you'll notice my closing hope. I posted this while I was still struggling to pick my word!!

"I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change."

 

It was meant to be. :O)

For now. I need some time away to think, sing and pray.

God is good to me, much better than I could even ask.

I've been going back in my mind to a pivotal place in my life. A physical place where God showed me something amazing. The Beth Moore study I am doing mentioned last night that sometimes if you think you've strayed from God's place you need to go back to the place you last met Him powerfully. I think, I shall.

 

I await His movement and change.

-Ginabob

My One Word

For years I have always named my year. One year was "Joy." One year was "Faithfulness."
My year is always something that I need to work on that year or something that I hope for.
Some years are a promise from God to me of where we are going that year.
One of my blogging peeps does the same type thing. This year she is challenging people in this area via her blog. FYI... if you don't read this blog make it a MUST visit!


This year I have had trouble finding my word.
Due, in great part, to my struggles of the last few months (that blog is still to come I promise!) I have not chosen a word yet.
I have prayed, read and thought. Nothing seemed obvious. Nothing seemed right.
I have been a bit discouraged by this fact.
Today as I was reading over some of the other "One Word" people... it hit me.

Change

It's a scary word for me. I am resisting it honestly. I think I'm blogging it so I can't back out.

Change

More to come on this... I am sure. I'm still trying to talk myself out of having heard this!

Change, Changing, Changed
-Gina

It's Not Over... Till It's Over

So yes it is a week later and I am just now getting around to blogging. That is a combination of - 3 migraines, school starting, life drama, and general lazyness.  :O)  I keep trying to do better and maybe I will!

I was thinking about what it takes to keep going at something. I'm making some pretty major life-style changes (aimed at getting me feeling better) that are good things but challenging.

Change - I'm kinda not a fan. I think I've mentioned that before.

But fresh starts - that I do like.

So I am going to look at 2010 and the months it affords me as fresh starts - EVERY DAY.
Alarm clock goes off - New day - fresh start - WOOHOO!  :O)
No re-do's on this life. There are no chances to live yesterday and fix what happened.
But today is a fresh start and I for one am going to take each one for every thing that it is worth.
Life is far too short to do anything else.
Live it people!
-G