I keep starting and stopping different topics here.
In fact, the title remains empty.
I have no idea where I am going with this yet.
But as I was sitting down to journal, I felt the need to blog.
So here I sit. Here on the couch I sit, with no ideas.
I think I'm in a bit of an identity crisis.
When you move from one phase of life into another I guess that is normal.
Me - I've had a whole lotta change in a short amount of time.
So I suppose that crisis is normal.
I've had two major identifiers for the last several years that are either starting to not apply or are just gone.
1 - The single girl
So I'm clearly not single anymore. But the other night, when the pastor was talking about married stuff, I caught myself in the single-girl mindset. I can't figure out a way to explain that mindset. But if you're single, and you have ever sat through a sermon about marriage, you "get" me. I've been married 2 months. But I was single for 36 years. So I guess I can cut myself some slack there. It was a startling "wake up" kinda deal for me to find my single girl brain still so engaged. Oh I wish I could come up with better words here. Any of my "single for a long time" newlyweds feeling me here? Maybe I'll process through it and come back to explain.
2 - The fat girl
Even after the drastic weight drop I am still chunky. That's changing. But it's still there. I'm not the clearly obese girl anymore and that's a mental transition. I can fit places now that I didn't before. I'm different but haven't made some of the critical thought adjustments that I need to yet. This mindset hits me in some strange places - recently at the grocery store and a restaurant.
I've been overweight since my teens. Honestly, the thought of my life without that identifier is something I cannot seem to completely grasp.
The weight I'm at now is a 16 year low - 16 YEARS.
I'm not only not sure how to make that adjustment, I'm not sure who I'll be in the coming months.
In my entire adult life I have never been a normal weight. I have always felt like the "big" girl.
Who do I become when that label no longer defines me to myself?