Sunday, November 11, 2012

Finding a Way to Love the Old Me

So we got a link to our wedding pictures just a few days ago.
Since my first glance I've had one thought rolling around in my brain.
I need to find a way to love myself no matter what I look like.
I think this is going to be one of those posts that I hate posting.
But it falls under the realm of transparency.
I also think it's a disservice to someone who is considering weight loss surgery to pretend that all problems are instantly solved.
If you have issues with food (and if you're morbidly obese you most likely do), then you will still have to work through those.

Having the surgery is a tool that will allow me to work through my issues while I lose the weight.
But if I don't work through the issues I am 100% sure I can and will gain weight back.

Now, with that being said, back to the topic at hand.

I do not like 90% of the pictures of myself at my own wedding.
I had a great photographer. He took great, fun pictures.
But I hate seeing how heavy I was even that recently. I had surgery in June of this year. I got married a little less than three months later on September 1st. By that time, I had already lost around 50-60 pounds.

When I look at my beautiful wedding all I see are the flaws in myself.
It's where my eyes and thoughts automatically go.
It really hit every bit of self image issues that I could imagine.

And it blind-sided me.

I felt beautiful on the day. But looking now it's a different view.

It hits the heart of something that I think I have largely ignored in my journey so far.

At any weight I need to see myself as the same me.
I didn't lose weight to look good. I lost weight, had the surgery to lose weight, because my health was going quickly down hill. I staged an intervention to save my life. It was drastic. But it was necessary.
I think that if I had not had the additional issues, I would most likely have stayed right where I was - hiding.

Who I am has not changed one single bit. I'm still me - a goofy, optimistic, sarcastic, funny and nerdy girl.
But new me struggles with hating old me (and sometimes even the new melting me) very, very much.
Somehow, with the rapid shrinking, I've developed a weird-er relationship with myself.

Tonight I'm acknowledging that. I'm pretty sure that is a good deal of the battle fought in itself. I've got to come to grips with who I've been and be "ok" with her. I've got to recognize and admire that person and find a way to make old me and new me friends.

Going forward I need to begin to see myself much less critically and with much more kindness. I'd never in a million years let someone talk to my friends the way I talk to myself!!!!

This post may make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. But it's my reality right now.
Who knows, it may be a part of your reality to. I think many of us are way more self critical than we ever admit.

Someday I'm going to be able to look back at all the "'me's" and not flinch.

Someday will be soon; because I'm not stopping until then!