Friday, January 21, 2011

Honesty in change

As I start this post tonight I am still not sure that I will hit publish.
I am still not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
I written before that I believe secrecy is a tool that the enemy uses against us. When we hide who we are and what we are dealing with we give it power over us.
And I have been giving something in my life power over me for far too long.
At the end of the year when I wrote this post, I already knew that I was headed towards a decision on posting this or not. Honestly, I've leaned towards not.
Something within me still wanted to hang onto an image that I was ok - that I was not really broken. I was just lazy or crazy. Nothing was really wrong with me. I could just "pull it together."
So I continued to suffer in silence.
in a deep dark place
in a hopeless place
in a lonely place

It was more than a funky mood. As weeks went on early in 2010 I knew that I was in trouble but refused to face it. Things in my life were so good. I had found the love of my life. I was doing well in school. My job was stressful (at times) but wonderful and fulfilling.

But inside I was tanking. I knew it. People close to me knew it.
If you have ever suffered from depression or loved someone who does you know this hole well.
In coming clean with a few key people recently I realized that I was not alone.

This secret was hiding me. I had slipped back down into a deep depression that was slowly taking me over.

The me I know had gone away to be replaced by someone who really only wanted to stay in a dark room.
It's not my first time in this place. But this time I was really sure that I wasn't coming out of it.

So I finally went for help. This is where I struggle most though. It's the thing that is hard for so many believers to admit. I am back on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs. I so wanted to believe when I got better that I no longer needed the medicine. Surely I was fixed now.
But I was wrong.
For some of us depression and and anxiety have a chemical component. Something is off in our bodies. We feel out of control and powerless. We KNOW that things should be different but we cannot climb out of the hole.
Just as diabetics can be helped by insulin so can some depressions be lifted by fine tuning the chemicals in our brains.
And how incredible is my God who not only gave man the wisdom to fine tune, but gave him the tools as well!?!
I am not a failure because I am on medication to help me through this.
If you are here too... you are not a failure either.
I think I needed to say that because I know what some people will say.
If you want a debate on this... my blog is NOT the place for it. God and I have gone rounds on this one and I believe that yes I need counseling to learn how to cope with some things. But I clearly needed more help.
He is good.
He is trustworthy.
He is not a God of condemnation.
He is not willing to leave me alone in this pit.

If you are relating; If you are in this same place; maybe this confessional is for you. Maybe my tears can save you some.
I am broken. But I am healing.
I was a hopeless person who has glimpsed a light of hope.

My 2011 word is Change. When I picked that word it scared me so much because I knew where we were headed.

And now:
I. Am. Ready



Vicki Miller said...

Gina, you are very brave and I am proud of you for sharing your story. You hit the nail on the head about taking medication...reminds me of the old joke about someone asking a pregnant woman if she's going to have natural childbirth (no drugs)...she replies, "When I go to the dentist, I don't have a natural root canal. Why would I have natural childbirth?" ha! God uses many ways to heal and help us. Your journey is your own. I will pray for you more specifically as you come to mind this year. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Well if you hadn't noticed when I was in the mortgage area, I was in "the pit." It seemed to have slime on all sides, because each time I thought I gained ground, i would slide back down, I pushed friends away..second guessing everyone, I couldn't feel the presence of the Lord, which by far was the worst.I applaud you for stepping out, you'll find the more you talk, the more you'll find going through the same thing, or books about others that have went through depression, it'll bring you encouragement that you are not alone. I read a book called Ground Zero by Haskins..after I read that I had a small breakthrough and thought, if she can get through that, I can get through this..
I don't believe that everything bad comes from God, but I do believe that God brings good out of everything that happens, because his word says so. I'm praying..and email me if you ever need someone to give you a pep talk.
Love ya gal

Gina said...

@ Vickie - Thank you so much for blessing me with that example. I'm adding it to my arsenal! In the last few moments I have been astonished at what God had planned for this night. Thank you for your prayers and words!

@ Deb - I remember those days well. I knew you were hurting because we pit dwellers can spot the signs usually. I was in a good place back then. I will check out that book. Love you too friend!

Sarah said...

I have muddled through depression too and I applaud you for recognizing it and taking steps to fix it! Totally the first step. You will do it!

Debbie said...

I applaud your courage and honesty in coming clean on your battle with depression. God will use you to help many others who are still believing the lie that they are somehow a failure because they are depressed and need an antidepressant.

I am in this battle with you. I came to the realization about 3 years ago that I have a chemical imbalance and need an antidepressant. For years I suffered and struggled with this, feeling like a failure because I couldn't just "pick myself up" or "snap out of it." It's not that simple, as anyone who is or has been depressed knows. I am proud of you for taking this step. God will bless you and help you every step of the way.

My word for the year is HOPE. I have been putting off blogging about it, but I have to do that this weekend.

Love ya! <3

Gina said...

@ Sarah - Thank you for the encouragement!

@ Debbie - I love you to. I know I say it all the time but I am so thankful that God put us back in each other's paths after all these years!
Ready to see your blog on hope!

Dreamin' Daisies said...

Love you!