Monday, October 15, 2012

Four Months - The Incredible Shrinking Woman

One of my sweet friends pointed out something the other day that I really appreciated.
She mentioned on my facebook wall that she knew this weight loss hadn't happened exactly the way I would have chosen.
It's something I've thought about a lot.
I've lost a little over 80 pounds now - that's like a 7th grader.
I'm now officially at a number that I never remember seeing on the scale. I actually think it is the weight I was when I moved away to college. But that was around the time I stopped weighing regularly so I'm not sure.
So very not my point. :O)
In 4 months I have changed insanely in many ways.
I'm off all medication except pain (back) and vitamins.
I've dropped 6 sizes at least.
I've changed the way I eat.
But so much of the struggle still exists with how I think.

I am well aware that many people who have gone through WLS gain weight back. Many of them re-start the habits that had gotten them to where they were previously. It is possible to eat way more than you should. It happens often.

4 months out I can tell you that scares me.
Because the surgery doesn't change your head. It only changes your body.
Yes, part of my rapid gain from the last two years came with the pain I was experiencing.
But before that happened I was at least 50 pounds overweight and had been for quite a while.
That did not happen rapidly. It crept up gradually by the choices that I made.
I won't get into the "how and why" of this because frankly - that's my issue.
As honest as I always hope to be in life, I am also always going to be protective of some areas because they just aren't public stuff!  :O)  Some things are just private.


If I had my choice (as my friend Kim mentioned) I'd have loved to take a bit of the slow road down. I would have chosen to try to work through my food issues while working through my other issues.
But that wasn't going to happen for me.
I had been there and done that and things were getting steadily and progressively worse.

At 35 I was on high blood pressure medicine, had sleep apnea, getting ready to start cholesterol medication, and was slowly destroying several discs in my spine.

I was a mess. I was in pain every second of every day.
I was miserable.

I do not want to head back that way.

So at just past my 4 month mark I wanted to get some things down "for the record."
I think this is probably mostly for me. If I ever think that the fight against "old me" isn't worth it, these words are here to remind me.
"Old me" spent a lot of time miserable and in pain.
"New me" is starting to remember what moments without pain can be like... and more will come.