So a couple of things right off the bat that I should just say:
It's been a crazy-long time since I wrote here. There are a couple of good reasons for that... which aren't shareable yet. :)
So there.
But I'm here just in time to give you a preview for where we are headed in 2015 via my word for next year. This is actually a repeat word for me (2009). I've never done that before. But it just won't let me go as what I need to focus myself on. So here goes nothing.
Joy
J-O-Y
I have no idea what the next 12 months will actually bring. I know what I am desperate for though. I am desperate for the joy that comes only from living life fully present and fully surrendered. I am looking for the life that God has mapped out for me.
And I am looking for joy.
So here goes nothing 2015. Let's do this. The best is yet to come.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately
about the moment just before.
There is a moment in every big
situation that is just before God steps in.
It is Job, looking over the
graves of his family and his life.
It is Moses, standing between an
endless sea and a mighty army.
It is Daniel in front of
drooling, hungry lions.
It is Stephen, just before the
first stone fell.
It is Jesus’ friends and family
on the night of that second day.
It is the hopeless soul just
before he finds Hope.
There is a moment. It always
seems to come with heart-wrenching sobs. It seems to be right before the soul
is crushed.
There is a moment that is just
before God reveals what He has planned to reveal all along.
Renewal of life
The sea parting
Deliverance
Homecoming
Resurrection
Salvation
But it seems to always be a dark
moment.
And someone, even tonight, is
right there.
Oh please, don’t give up in your
moment.
He is coming. He is faithful. He
has not forgotten you. He is here even in your moment. He will deliver. He will
provide. He will be your safe place. He will do what He said He will do.
This moment may be your toughest
hour. It may seem completely impossible. But this is your moment.
Stand. Fight.
Wait. Listen.
He is coming.
Your moment is almost over.
The sun is about to rise on your
new life.
The wait is almost over.
I can hear the rustling of the
waters stirring. Can you hear it?
This is it.It is here.
Hope
I believe.
-Gina
Exodus 14:13-14
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Last time we were here together I talked about letting go. And, in theory, it's a good thing.
In reality, I am finding it difficult.
Can we just be honest here?
Letting go of some things is easy.
Oh, I'll never win the lottery. I'm ok with that. I've let that go. Could be something about me never buying tickets but whatever. :)
It's the big things in life that are hard to really let go of fully.
- Bringing a mate
- Bringing healing
- Bringing children
- Healing Relationships
Meanwhile I've clearly trusted Him with the biggest thing ever - my eternity.
The drastic contrast... well it's hitting me hard today.
I am coming to the reality that I'm guilty of not trusting more than trusting.
We sang a song in worship today that we have sang a few times recently and it slammed into me.
It actually took my breath away for a moment. I'll link it below, but here is the lyric that messed me up.
As I wait, heart of God
Satisfy and sustain
As I hear, voice of God
Lead me on, be my guide
Be my guide
As I wait... satisfy and sustain.
I seem to wait a lot for things. It always seemed like other people got their stuff earlier, faster. Husband, jobs, house, kids = everything... quickly.
Meanwhile, God had me on the 10-20 year plan.
In hindsight, I'm ok with pretty much every minute I ended up waiting for all the things because I realize that God had a purpose. I realize that He had a plan.
But in the middle of the wait it can be nearly impossible to find that resting place of satisfaction.
As we wait we must listen and we must hear.
To be sustained, we must listen, we must hear, and we must be led.
I cannot wait happily on my own.
There are somethings that I cannot MAKE happen.
Trust me on this people. I have tried. If there is a shortcut I would have found it. If there was a magical waiting end-er I would have that bad boy. It doesn't exist.
So if you are in the wait with me, sit down for a few minutes and let this one sink in.
Well it's me again.
I'm trying to develop this blogging habit again. It's a lot tougher than I thought it would be to get back into it.
For some reason, when life got a little more even keeled, I stopped coming here and putting things down.
Here I am again. Trying to sift through life. Trying to get back where I have been.
And I realized something pretty key a few days ago.
I stopped listening.
It's not that God didn't have anything to say. But I really, really didn't want to hear it.
As long as I felt that God was doing what I wanted, what I expected, I was all on board.
That even went for those years when I desperately cried out to God for pretty major things - healing - husband - life. I knew, for the most part, where we were going.
Somehow I've let my mind slip away from the moments where He just came down. I wanted to listen. Ok, I sort-of wanted to listen. I mostly wanted to have my own way.
It does not work that way.
The more I insist on God fitting my plans, the farther away I get from the path that He is marking out for me.
Tonight I am admitting something publicly. Well blogl-y? Is that a word? No? It is now!
I have a lot of things that I have picked back up over the last two years that I need to give up.
I need to give up:
My desire to know the path ahead.
My "control" or my desire to control.
My fear that He doesn't hear me.
My fear that He doesn't really understand what I need.
My small understanding of the plans that He has for me.
Me.
True freedom in this season, where the storm of not knowing is raging out of control, will only come when I let go of the things I am trusting to anchor me.
Freedom will come only when I open my hands, let the sails fly, and let Him take me... take us on the wild an unruly path that He knew from day one.
1 Kings 19 I have written about this chapter a lot. I'm not sure why I keep coming back to it, other than the fact that I want God to scream things out at me instead of me being quiet enough to listen. Ok. Ouch.
I usually focus on the verses that talk about Elijah listening for God in the fire and whirlwind. The context of it has somehow escaped me a little before tonight.
God was the one who told Elijah to head to the hills, and listen.
11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”
God was already speaking to him. But Elijah was having a bit of a pity party. Now I can't fault him for this, if you read the things that he has gone though you will see it's not been an easy road. But my point here is - he already HAD God's attention. God was speaking TO him.
God pulls him aside, to this mountain, and then shows off some power.
The passage continues: "A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper."
Hurricane force winds, rocks shattering, an earthquake, and a fire storm one after the other ravage the mountain where Elijah stands.
My friend Elijah, who I can completely relate to, waits for it all to pass and seems to think the point is that God didn't hear him. If you read carefully you'll see he repeats the exact same things to God on the mountain that he has just said to him in the cave.
Oh Elijah, I can SO relate. I think one of the reasons I keep circling this passage is because God is speaking but I'm still not listening. And I really don't want to have to hike a mountain and have rocks shattered to finally "get it."
God, Help us to hear you right where we are. We are listening.
I have this app on my phone that gives me snippets from my life a year at a time.
Tonight's snippet was from three years ago. And y'all it completely has me melting into tears.
" Local Peeps - I could use a grocery runner today or tomorrow. Staple run, shouldn't be too bad. Anyone up for it? :o)"
Just that quickly I'm transported back to the days, months, and year that I couldn't even go to the grocery store for myself. Many of you were the responders to those calls. I will never be able to tell you how much it still means to me. I still remember, vividly, every trip. I remember every person who came to the house to do laundry, clean my kitchen, clean my bathroom, or buy and put up groceries.
You kept me going that year when you checked in on me, called me, and just dropped by.
You are my people. And you were my lifeline.
No words can ever be enough.
Two years ago - June 12th - I had the surgery that changed my life forever. The next few months were a roller coaster. And if you weren't with me back then just think - 3 major surgeries in 3 months. Countless ER visits. One major hospital stay - just a month before I walked down the aisle to say "I Do."
I think back over that year a lot these days because of how different things are.
These incredible days are a gift that I never though I would see back then... when this was my life every day:
Sometimes I still need to look back and remember her. I need to remember how much life has changed. I can walk up stairs. I can grocery shop! And last weekend I drove hours by myself to SIT for hours and listen without pain. It's beyond incredible. It's miraculous.
So, when I start to doubt that God can do anything. I just need to remember the healing hand that got me to this place. Mobile. Married. Happy.
Life really is good no matter what does or does not come next. :)
A big part of me just wants to quietly step completely away from the blog. What's that you say? I haven't blogged in over six months?
Well sure, there's that. :)
It's not that I haven't had anything to say. It's not that I haven't wanted to say it.
It's that I haven't had the words.
Up until 2012 my life was pretty much a total open book. My stuff was your stuff. My thoughts were pretty much all spewed out there. I'm a fairly open book.
Dating woes - you heard about them.
Weight loss surgery - you saw it here.
Depression struggle - check.
Enter marriage. Now my stuff isn't only my stuff. Suddenly huge chunks of life need to have a hedge. That's not a bad thing. It's a supremely good thing. But I'm still working on figuring out my boundaries.
So there it is - my excuse for sporadic blogging followed by a 6 month hiatus.
Now let's get on with it shall we. I'm going to try to do better. Yes. You, my dear 6 readers, have heard that before.
But this time I'm going to get a little more intentional. I'm going to set myself some reminders and ask for some accountability.
Let's do this thing!
Right now I actually feel like I have a lot to say. God is starting to show some different paths. I plan on showing them to you too... all in good time.
For now I want to say "thank you" to my Launch Out people. In two short days you and God wrecked my world. And I'm still trying to recover.
So I'm amazed that the "One Word" for the year has taken of so much. It's like the thing to do now. That almost makes me want to stop doing it. :)
But since I've been doing it for just shy of forever... like 10 years... I think I'll just keep rolling.
Anyhoo.
My word for this year was a no-brainer. It's where I am living these days. It's my belief for the new year. It's my challenge.
Hope
Before I decided it "officially" I received this as a gift at work. No one else got one like it in my area. They were just random words on coasters. Yet here it was.
Hope
Ok. Hope it is.
This year. I am believing that God is going to do something that seems pretty impossible. Since I know that God does the impossible a lot. It's not a stretch to believe it.
But believing it in my head and really letting it sink into my heart have been two different things so far in this journey.
Someday I will get to share all of this as a testimony to what God has done in me and through me.
But until then, I will
Hope
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