Thursday, February 11, 2010


So it's funny the different things that can trigger old emotions.
I've been battling a big trigger this week. I won't say what started it because I'm so not about talking specifics when it involves someone else who likely had NO idea what they triggered.
I can say that at 33 I still fight with some major insecurity. (And Yes... Beth Moore's new study is on my list if I can ever clear my current palate of 600 plus pages a week)
Insecurity... just the word in front of me makes me want to throw up right now.
Because even putting it here makes me vulnerable to the very type people and situations that started this little trigger.
Rejection and Insecurity

I think most people struggle with some form or fashion of insecurity. Me, I came by it early in life. I never seemed to fit in anywhere that I was. I always, always felt awkward and isolated.
I learned early to be funny because people who are laughing with you typically (not always) aren't laughing AT you.
It was a good defense - be charming and funny. But it didn't always work as a protector.
As I grew up I found my circle but there were still some places where I would never fit and that knowledge hurt me for years.
Frankly, this week due to some situations and conversations I was smack dab where my little defense mechanism couldn't do anything.
Rejected and insecure - and feeling like I was 9 again.
Ironically the older version of me, I realized, copes much the same as the earlier version.
She hides.
But isolating myself doesn't help because it makes me feel more rejected, isolated and insecure.
Enter yet another vicious cycle that I can find myself in the middle of and wondering how the heck I ended up in the same place again.
So this time, much earlier in the cycle I have to say (hooray for progress) I realized what has happened.
I can even realize what triggered the feeling and how it compounded.
So - lessons learned this round:
1. Other people are going to reject me and maybe just plain not like me.
2. I'm going to be ok with that.
3. Only one opinion matters in the end - God's. He certainly uses other people to get those opinions across from time to time, but ultimately He has the final say in priorities and other decisions (not anyone else).
4.  My opinion of myself could use some work and today is a good day to start working on that.
5. Letting anyone other than God set the tone of my day is a huge mistake that needs to be fixed as quickly as it gets off track.

 - getting over myself one day at a time


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