Saturday, August 01, 2009

In Which Memory Lane Gets Rocky

Couldn’t wait to share! :O)

As I sit here starting to write this it is 1 am on Saturday morning and I am winding down a pretty incredible weekend. I think when I look back on this weekend one of the words I will use is amusing. Because I came up with a good idea of what I wanted God to speak to… and He had a completely different plan.

Just hours after I started this journey I started out in the car in a pretty down state. Things did not get off to the best of starts (won’t bore you with details but it involved a twisted ankle and a bill I thought was paid that wasn’t). I was determined not to waste a minute though so I started praying and singing as soon as I hit the highway. This would be the moment when I realized God’s plans and mine were about to not “mesh.”

Have you ever had a spot in your heart or memory that is like a nerve? It’s like you can prick it from time and feel that pinch of pain. Every once in a while you do it just to see if it’s still there. But as long as it doesn’t really bother you - you don’t bother it either. On the drive up I had one of those spots lingering in the back of my memory. This is a place down memory lane that I felt was well traveled y’all. Seriously it is a place that I felt like God and I had visited enough that we’ve marked our stone. We came. We saw. He conquered. I had the scars you know… He had the glory. But on the drive up here every time I would touch that memory again the tears would flow.

You know I’d love to tell you I threw the door open right there but I gotta say I was still hoping that we weren’t gonna go there. Oh - how - wrong - I - WAS….

We started off this morning (Friday) dealing through some of my agenda. Check… check… no concrete plans but that gentle guidance that I’ve come to expect. Peace - stillness… wait - there is that whole “not-meshiness” again. Why are we revisiting that God? We’ve been there remember? We did that? Don’t you remember?

I’ll fast forward a bit to let you in on a little secret that I’ve learned… sometimes when you drop things cause you think you and God are done with them… you and God are SO not done with them.

About 15 years ago or so I walked up on a conversation taking place in a Sunday school room. I heard my name being mentioned as I was walking up so I paced up a bit slower and the words that I was about to hear set me up for some major devastation. Since I’m 33… and God and I are just now revisiting and dealing that’ll fill you in on some of the finer points of the conversation. Let’s just say without too many details that people can be seriously cruel to other people. The gist of what I came away with as a mid-teenager was that I was unlovable, that probably no one would ever really love me. Now check that - I filed that away.

Pressing the pause button here - as I blog this there are a couple of things going through my heart:
ONE - I know that some of you are gonna immediately need to hit reply on this. People, I know I am loved but loved was different from being worthy of love in my mind. As I sit here tonight, er, this morning, I actually know that this little gem is a total lie. But I’ve been living with this track in my brain fighting it for YEARS and now that it is identified and shut down I wanted to shout a bit about it.

Hi, my name is Gina, and I am loveable. :O)

TWO - The church I grew up in is a part of me, but mostly not in a good way. There are some great memories of things that God taught me from my time there. But there are frankly a whole lot of more painful ones that God and I got to work past. But that past holds no regret for me. God is good and His plans are so much better than the ones I would have chosen.

I thought a lot about whether to share this or not. If you’ve read this far, and honestly I know lots of you won’t, :O) then the take away message is that a lot of us fall for early lies that color things for us later on. God’s desire is to set us free from that. May not be easy to find yours… but maybe, just maybe if you’re driving along one day you’ll discover it if you’re asking. My advice for that moment is to RUN to His healing and let it go.

I’m all about sharing lessons learned. Once upon a time, probably because of the environment that I grew up in church-wise, I always hid. Hiding is so much easier. No one can criticize you or make fun of you if you don’t ever poke your head up above the crowd. But God has not called us to easy life. God has called us to abundant life. You can’t live that life when you are hiding.
God has not given us a spirit of hiding and fear. He gave us a spirit of self-confidence and love.
Live it y’all. Worth it!


george said...

Hey Gina, I know that God works through everything and remember that no matter what it seems like at the present He will always work thru it (and us) to bring out His will in our lives. Love

george said...

I really must have been blinded by my own problerms at the time or I would have realized what you were going through. Looking back I wish that I could have been more help to you during the tough times, love you always, Dad

Gina said...

And Daddy I am not exaggerating when I say I regret not one minute of any of it. Love you bunches!!!!