I mentioned that I am going through this 24 day challenge. The assignments so far have definitely been a challenge. :O)
As I've been walking through this new journey several things have happened that could easily sideline my dream and my START.
First up, and a big prayer request for you who read here, last weekend while coming home from Houston I had some major stomach pain. In the course of figuring out what to do and finally getting some relief, I discovered a little knot in my stomach. It's not near any of the surgery sites really. I thought hernia, but the doctor has looked at it and does not know exactly what it is except that it is an "abdominal mass."
So, I get to have surgery on the 14th to take the little thing out of there and get it checked out.
Prayers in the wait would be super. Oh, and prayers that it is just a wayward stitch or something equally benign.
Now that I have that news out of the way!
During even the first part of this journey I have hit upon a fear that I had not really examined before. I am calling it the fear in hope.
I think I am on the verge of some big, big things happening in my life. But I am terrified to hope for them.
It's an odd, nonsensical feeling really.
I want this to happen. I need this to happen.
But I am scared to really hope for it.
I think there are a few reasons.
Hope means that I am fully believing that this is going to happen.
Which means "what if?
What if it doesn't happen?
Hope means that I really want things to change.
But in many, many ways I adore the life I have NOW.
So do I really want things to change?
Hope fulfilled means that life, as I know it now, is going to be drastically different.
What if I am not ready for that after all?
What if, what I think I want, is a trap? Or I am not cut out for it?
I was reminded (while writing some lyrics the other night), that most of life is lived in the "But if not."
I believe with all my heart that big changes are on my horizon. Things are about to get rolling that I could not have envisioned this time last year. Big. Things.
But if not, if things go haywire or not at all as I had planned....
If the worst thing imaginable happens instead, I still trust. I still hope for a future that God has specially prepared for me.
With all my planning and dreaming, what He has in store is infinately much better.
Even through the fear behind this hope, I trust that He is working this for my good.
What if what I had planned is only a doorway? What if what comes next is bigger than I am even capable of dreaming?
I can rest there.