Random - A List Brought to You by the Letter "R"

So I can't think of anything profound or even all that interesting to write about tonight.
I have thoughts just nothing earth shattering.  :O)

So here are some of those thoughts in no particular order.

1 - Skinny Jeans are my current pet peeve. I believe they are a pox on humanity. No one needs to see that. Even really skinny people look ridiculous in skinny jeans. Put them back on the rack. Just walk away.

2 - Somehow I am both overqualified and under-qualified for most things I have applied for lately. I have a master's degree for goodness sake. Ugh... Praying that the economy will see some sharp up-turning sooner rather than later.

3 - It is 11:26 pm and I will have to stay up another hour to take my iron pill so it can be separated from my other vitamins. It's a hassle but I want to make sure it's not wasted.

4 - Today consisted of me being seriously cranky due to being up till 4 am last night. My body hates me and hates sleep evidently.

5 - I don't think there actually is a 5 but I can't have a list that isn't in multiples of 5. I'm weird like that.

Night Peeps
-G

Farewell my Friend, Food, You Were a Bad Pal

My Mom asked me a question today that I have actually spent a lot of time thinking about lately.
How have I been dealing emotionally since the surgery?
I'm a big-time emotional eater. I have been since I was a wee lass.
Like everyone with an eating disorder, (Hi, my name is Gina and I'm a binge eater), food was a constant companion.
It was a false friend. But I didn't know it until it was way too late.

So what does a binge eater who has spend 20 something years eating their feelings do when food can't be their crutch?

She deals.
But she also grieves.

The grieving is a weird part of this journey that no one really explained to me.
I know that things have to change. Ok, they don't have to change.
In a few months I can go right back to some of the worst habits that got me to the morbidly obese category on the BMI scale.

But for me to live the life I want, things need to change.

So I have grieved.

I have moments of sadness when I go to get food and chose the salad over the cheeseburger and fries.
I can still remember the binge high vividly. Thankfully I can also remember the inevitable sickness.

But I still grieve.

My friend food is gone. Yes he was not a good friend. Frankly he was the worst friend ever. But he and I had some good times together.

So I grieve. 
I really wish I could find a better term for it. In so many ways though it feels like a death. I guess it is the death of the old me and how life was for me then.

I will still eat. One must eat to survive.
But food can never take that place in my life again.
Celebration, sadness, victory, defeat, life and death must be dealt with sans the emotional dulling my old friend provided. 

Some day I know that will not make me sad even for a moment. But "some day" isn't here yet.

4 months. 83 pounds. A lifetime of new lessons ahead.

-Gina

Life - You Should Live It

I need to get over here to the blog more often.
It's not necessarily that I have all these important things to tell the 7 of you who read this blog... actually I think it may be 10 of you now.
But I digress.  :O)
So much of what I put here is for me.
I journal as well but somehow that is different.
There is something about having these words in cyber-land, along with some comments occasionally, that is important to me.
It gives me something to quickly go back to.
So, I'm trying to be more regular and disciplined about posting.
I've said that before so we shall see!

On to something else now.
This has been one of the most exciting years of my life.
It's been all about drastic changes, steps of faith, and life altering moments.
In between those, were about 1000 smaller things every, single day.
You know what never changes? Each of those smaller moments were just as important as the drastic and life-altering ones when all is said and done.
Why?
The little moments led up to or built up to the bigger ones.
Life is as much in the minutia as it is in the fanfare.

My "take-away" lesson from that:

Be faithful in the small moments. Be brave and wily. Don't be afraid to take the road that looks a little dicey and scary. (I totally mean that metaphorically. Don't go driving down some nutty "deliverance" road and blame me for it.)  :O)

Be IN every single moment.

It's your life.
Do. Not. Miss. It.

-Living This Moment to the Full - Jeremiah 29:11
-Gina

Change - Bring It!

I've already started to pray about my word for 2013. 2012 was healing. I should have known I'd need to get broken a bit more to get fully fixed.  :O) 
So far, so good.

Anyways... that's just an FYI for my fellow "One Word" people.

I've been thinking a lot lately about change - that was 2011's word FYI. That is what made me think of my word for this year in the first place.
Anyhoo...
Lot's of people are terrified by it. I've got to admit that it scares me a bit.
If I am being totally honest though I get a charge from it too.
I love stepping out into the unknown and watching what God is going to do there.
I think that goes back to the journey that God has had me on for years and years.

When you focus so much on God in the "waiting" times, you tend to jump on change like a hamster on a wheel.

Right now my prayer list includes prayers for drastic changes needed in several lives. They are changes that people are begging God for - healing, babies, jobs and much more.

Me - I'm in for some major change. I've been unable to work since January.
Now - cleared to work - I'm ready to hit it up.

But guess what change is not so easy to find right now?

That's right - JOB!

I told Al tonight that I know God has the right place for me.
I just have zero clue as to where that could be.

Change - I'm all about it.
Bring it.

Changing,
Gina

Four Months - The Incredible Shrinking Woman

One of my sweet friends pointed out something the other day that I really appreciated.
She mentioned on my facebook wall that she knew this weight loss hadn't happened exactly the way I would have chosen.
It's something I've thought about a lot.
I've lost a little over 80 pounds now - that's like a 7th grader.
I'm now officially at a number that I never remember seeing on the scale. I actually think it is the weight I was when I moved away to college. But that was around the time I stopped weighing regularly so I'm not sure.
So very not my point. :O)
In 4 months I have changed insanely in many ways.
I'm off all medication except pain (back) and vitamins.
I've dropped 6 sizes at least.
I've changed the way I eat.
But so much of the struggle still exists with how I think.

I am well aware that many people who have gone through WLS gain weight back. Many of them re-start the habits that had gotten them to where they were previously. It is possible to eat way more than you should. It happens often.

4 months out I can tell you that scares me.
Because the surgery doesn't change your head. It only changes your body.
Yes, part of my rapid gain from the last two years came with the pain I was experiencing.
But before that happened I was at least 50 pounds overweight and had been for quite a while.
That did not happen rapidly. It crept up gradually by the choices that I made.
I won't get into the "how and why" of this because frankly - that's my issue.
As honest as I always hope to be in life, I am also always going to be protective of some areas because they just aren't public stuff!  :O)  Some things are just private.

Anyhoo

If I had my choice (as my friend Kim mentioned) I'd have loved to take a bit of the slow road down. I would have chosen to try to work through my food issues while working through my other issues.
But that wasn't going to happen for me.
I had been there and done that and things were getting steadily and progressively worse.

At 35 I was on high blood pressure medicine, had sleep apnea, getting ready to start cholesterol medication, and was slowly destroying several discs in my spine.

I was a mess. I was in pain every second of every day.
I was miserable.

I do not want to head back that way.

So at just past my 4 month mark I wanted to get some things down "for the record."
I think this is probably mostly for me. If I ever think that the fight against "old me" isn't worth it, these words are here to remind me.
"Old me" spent a lot of time miserable and in pain.
"New me" is starting to remember what moments without pain can be like... and more will come.

-G

Love - It's Not for the Faint of Heart

I've been re-reading some of my old journal entries over the last few days.
I am so very thankful that I have been at least semi-faithful to journaling since 1994. I always wish I had done a better job. Thankfully I have many, many things written down.
For some reason I was struck tonight by the realization that over the years loving people has just not been a fun deal sometimes.
Ok so I know that it reads a bit weird.
"But we're supposed to love people Gina!" "God commands it."
Certainly He does. We love naturally most of the time because people love us back. God loved us first, so we love Him.
A few years back I wrote in my journal something that was a revelation to me at the time.
Many times for us to really love - we must chose to love.
We must chose to love people because sometimes, ok a lot of the time, we human-type people are just flat out unlovable.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I know me pretty well.
Grouchy Gina
Un-happy Gina
Tired Gina
Not getting her way Gina.
All of those are pieces of me that can be pretty dang un-lovable.
Love is a choice at some of the most critical junctures of our lives.
We chose to love when we look past the sarcastic answer and don't fight back in kind.
We chose to love when the person we love hurts us.
We chose to love when we look to the person behind the obvious hurt or the not so obvious hurt that they carry.
We chose to love when we reach out to the person that makes our stomach curl by their appearance or attitude.
We chose to love in a hundred different ways.
Or...
We chose not to love.

No matter the season or reason for it, our love comes down to a choice.
   And even though right now it may seem like an easy choice.
        It will not always be that easy.
So determine in your heart and mind at this moment.
    That when the moment comes
        You will make the choice to love.
No. Matter. What.

Love on
-Gina

Marriage and Other Fun Things

I promise you that I will come back here soon and post some info about the wedding and life since.
As can be expected, the weeks leading up to the wedding were hectic health and other wise.
So I'm a wee bit behind.
I'll post one of my favorite wedding shots and call this puppy "updated" for a day or so.  :O)

You've Been Through a Lot

So I just passed the 2 month date on my surgery.
But the first surgery has almost been overshadowed at this point.
Who am I kidding? It's absolutely been overshadowed.
I went to see Dr. Roller today for a checkup from my gall bladder removal.
When his nurse was checking me in she kept commenting on the week that I was in the hospital and the two ER trips. She said she just kept getting fax after fax and could not believe it.
For those keeping score - Gall Bladder removed. Kidney Stent placed. DVT in arm within 5 days.
It's a lot.
And in case I am tempted to try and forget that - every. single. doctor reminds me!
Tomorrow it looks like I will be calling my kidney doc again because of an ongoing issue that shall not be named.
In the mean time, I await a referral to a hematologist. We're hoping to get an "all clear" to get me off of the blood thinners... which may help the "issue that shall not be named" as well. :O)

So - for those following along at home still. I have lost almost 60 pounds. It actually might be a little quicker but my current issue (thanks to the gall bladder removal in great part) is an almost complete aversion to just about every food imaginable.

I thank God for the original surgery. Without it the week long hospital visit and the aftermath would have been worse.
The gall bladder (which wasn't the worst the doctor had seen, but was pretty ugly) and kidney stone episode would have happened. But I would have been a brand new patient for all the surgeon's involved.
Instead of that, I had a top notch surgeon ready to go and familiar with me.

So many things to be thankful for! 

Wedding is in barely over two weeks. This past 9 months of engagement has been nothing like I had planned. But on 9/1 I get to become Mrs. Davis. So all-in-all things are just grand.
:o)
-Gina

It's Been a Long, Hard, Weird Road

Yikes people.
My life since the last time I blogged has been a roller coaster both physically and emotionally.
I can't sugar coat it. It's kinda sucked. :O)

Sunday July 22nd went to the ER in the afternoon (about 5 pm) thinking I had a kidney stone lodged somewhere.
I had already been through several days of not being able to keep anything - food or liquid or meds - down so I was pretty sure that I was also severely dehydrated.
Multiple tests, pokes, prods and vomiting hours later they finally settled on a kidney stone and multiple gall stones.
My weight loss surgeon (WLS) does gall bladders too so he asked for me to be admitted.
I didn't leave the hospital until Thursday afternoon.
The gall bladder was removed on Tuesday.
I was still in a lot of pain (and not able to keep anything on my stomach). They were pushing fluids in me which is a part of the reason why I stayed in the hospital for this whole time. The problem was that my veins were shot and kept blowing and such (whatever that means).
They wanted to put me into surgery again and help my kidneys... but I thought they were getting better (and all tests seemed to point that way too) so I said no let's do medicine and see if we can avoid that...
I was out of the hospital on Thursday night.

I ended up back in the ER on Friday morning - different ER on the advice of my WLS.
Dehydrated again.
Multiple sticks and prods to try and get IV's in.
Call to kidney doc - surgery to put in stint.
Surprisingly they let me go home.
On the way home, my arm felt weird and was a bit swollen but I was so happy to go home I barely noted it.
About 4 am I awake to find my hand and much of my left arm swollen badly.

6 am - back to the ER where the doctor sounds the alarm bell quickly. But I still didn't know why!

Diagnoses - left arm has blood clots. One is on the surface. One is deeply embedded in my upper arm (DVT).
I'm actually thankful that, at the time, I didn't know how dangerous that was. Everyone was freaked out. I was (in the words of the ER doc) "oddly calm."
I think that was God's protection on me honestly.

So the last few days have been a blur of pain meds, self-administered blood thinning shots, and pills.

Every day gets a little better.
I am thankful for much.

Wedding in less than a month now - YIPES.
Pray with us that what needs to get done, get's done. And that my stress level stays nice and low. :O)
-Gina

Things Normal People Wouldn't Tell You - The Sausage Ball Incident

So in my quest for protein I came up with the thought of trying sausage balls. Sausage, Cheese, Cream Cheese. Bisquick not the best.
But a girl's gotta do something.
So I get a recipe that my friend Melissa was kind enough to e-mail me. She is always posting something insanely good it seems like. These guys were no different.

Anyhoo.. the recipe was super but is besides the point of the story.
Let me start off by explaining some things.
I cook. But I tend to cook the same things over and over again. Right now, I can only eat about 1/2 cup of food at a time. So whatever I cook it either needs to work for me or be something that I can can give away.

You should also know that I've just recently discovered the wonders of cooking things on parchment paper. If you are cooking bread-less things it helps stuff not stick.

Now on to the sausage balls. Since I'm all in love with the parchment paper I decided to cook them on a cookie sheet covered with it.

An important thing to note is that parchment paper begins to get all crispy and burned at certain temperatures... one of which I found last night.

About 5 minutes into cooking the sausage balls I began to smell the paper burning.
No problem at all really. I'll just pop that out and take the parchment paper out.

The real moment of truth in most of my stories is the moment where my sense of humor and ingenuity meet. Such is the case with this story.

I decide that it would be easier/quicker/more fun to just yank the parchment paper out from underneath those cute little culinary delights. Certainly they will end up neatly on the cookie sheet.
Not so much

We could also call this the story of the flying sausage balls. Cause baby... that's what happened next.  :O)
Several of them ended up in salvageable places.
At least two of them ended up underneath the dishwasher. ewwwww.

Lesson learned and I now pass it onto you.
Never yank parchment paper off of a cookie sheet with  food on it.
Just. Don't.  :O)

Here ends the lesson.
-Gina the non-chef.

Oh - and for those of you who will most likely be asked to consume these guys. NONE of the next batches ended up on the floor.

One Month - Surgerversery. :O)

Well we made it to the 1 month mark. It's been one month since my surgery.
We've had some interesting ups and downs.
I know some people will find these posts because they are considering having a weight loss surgery.
That's what I did. I scoured the web for people's stories.
So in all fairness I have to say a few things.
It's been a tough month.

Just days after I began eating actual food (about 2 weeks ago) I ended up in the emergency room.
When several things in your abdomen have been messed with, you decide pain of any kind is worrisome.
So extreme pain is not a good sign. After hours of intensifying pain I gave up and went to the ER.
Verdict - Kidney stone.
Oh. My. Goodness. Please merciful Lord let me never do that again.
I've lived with some pretty extreme pain over the last two years with all the back issues.
This little stone put those in their place.
What it also did was skew my eating experience.
Nausea is a side effect. So I soon discovered that a big part of those first few days of problem eating (and subsequent hurling) was coming from the stone and not the surgery.

I reminded myself tonight that today marks two weeks of solid foods.
I'd be lying if I said it hadn't been a challenge.
My body has changed. My stomach has definitely changed.
My tastes have changed.
I'm having to relearn some very basic things.

I think my biggest lesson was to slow down.
Now that I'm a ways into this deal I know to take a small bite - chew it for a minute. Then wait another whole minute before another bite. It seems extreme. But it is the only way to really pay attention to how much is going in.
My total volume at each meal is 1/2 cup. It doesn't sound like much to you but it's an overwhelming amount most times.

I'm sitting at around 31 pounds total loss still. While the scale has not moved much in 2 weeks my body has. I knew there would have to be some catching up.

I'm guessing I'll start losing again in the next week or so.

Meanwhile - I have a wedding dress to try and buy.
I have to find a new place for future hubs and I to live come 9/1.
I have a ton of things to get rid of to make way for my new life.
I have almost a wedding shower a weekend.

Summary - I have a LOT to do.

If I had it to do over again, I think I might have tried to space out the whole marriage and drastic surgery just a tad.  :O)

Live and learn people.

-Gina

Two Weeks

Well it's been an adventure for sure.
There are lots of things that people can tell you to prepare for after a surgery like this.
Then there is the reality of what actually happens. That's going to be different for every person.
As for me, it's been rocky, but not too rocky.
I've had ups and downs. I've had mental breakdowns. I've wanted to hide underneath something and just sleep the days away several times.
Overall the best thing I can say is "I'm making it."
I saw my primary care doctor this morning to check my blood pressure out. At the beginning of the weekend (Friday) I realized that my bp was dipping pretty low and making me sick.  I couldn't stand long enough to even do something simple - like take a shower - without passing out.
Ugh - miserable feeling that. I do not recommend it.
By the time I saw my pcd my bp was back to a normal level. So that's the end of blood pressure medicine for me - woo.

As of this morning I've lost just shy of 30 pounds. The doctor kept saying things like "that's two weeks" "wow" over and over again. He was super pleased with my progress so far. Oh and he called me the incredible shrinking woman. :O)
I have to say I'm pretty pleased as well.
My body is definitely have issues adjusting to so much change so fast. That also helps account for the whoozy feelings. Also I have weird food cravings that smack me out of nowhere.

The changes are radical and hard to describe.
I'm trying to catch my equillibrium.
Mostly I'm looking forward to Thursday. That'll be my follow up appointment and the end of the "liquidpalooza" that my body has been enduring since 6/10.
Oh solid foods.... how I have missed you!  :O)

Well that's it from here.
I still need your prayers as I recover. There is still a long road ahead.
Plus - did I mention I'm getting married in like 60 days? What????

:O)

-Gina

Surgery - Weight Loss Journey

I've always tried to be open in my life. There are some things that are clearly private. There are also some things in life that need to be shared for our own good.
This post is about one of those things!
I've been pretty open on this blog in the past about my struggles with weight.
My struggles started in puberty and just compounded themselves year after year.
I would lose weight and gain it over and over again.
I have done just about every weight loss fad, program and diet that you can imagine.
I've been very successful a few times.
About two years ago I started to have major issues with  my back.
Walking, sitting, and standing for any length of time became a struggle.
Gradually I put on weight... then more weight.
At the end, I was the heaviest I have ever been.
Those of you who lived through the last few years are aware I tried everything doctors recommended to get some weight off and take the pressure off of my spine.
I went to neurosurgeons, spinal specialists, chiropractors, and pain management doctors.
I managed some relief but there were no long term solutions.
I prayed and prayed for some kind of breakthrough that would end the pain that seemed to stretch out for years ahead of me.

In the process of all of this, one of the neurosurgeons suggested something that I never wanted. It is in fact on of the things I swore I would never do. It seemed so drastic. It was so permanent. It was so scary.

I told myself if one person, other than this doctor, suggested it again I would at least investigate it.
So when my specialist followed the same logic, I began to investigate.
About seven months ago I began this new journey towards Weight Loss Surgery.

I am very blessed to have in Northwest Arkansas one of the top surgeons in the country - Dr. Roller.
After a lot of prayer and questions, I began the process towards a Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass.

On June 12 I finally had my surgery. Many of you knew about the surgery but most of you had no idea what I was actually undertaking.

As of tomorrow I am at 1 week post-op.
The last week has been tough. I don't want to sugar coat this journey for anyone because this kind of thing is no 'quick-fix' solution.
It's a complete life change.

I think I've written enough tonight. After my first month I am going to start posting pictures and such so y'all can keep tabs.
As for now, I need some sleep.
Thanks for reading, caring and praying!
-Gina

When the "Not" Is Likely

Without going to far into my situation... let's just say that things still have not worked out as I expected.
Going back to my last post - We seem to be in the fire without the deliverance... YET.
It's easy to say that God is in control when things are going as you planned and wanted.
It's not so easy to claim that reminder when things are not.
And if I hadn't said it yet - I'm living in the "Not."
Things have not gone as I hoped.
They may still work out as originally expected, but that looks less and less likely.

Do I still believe that God is in control?
Yes.
Without question - Yes.
Do I have a clue what is going to happen?
Nope.
So what happens now?
What happens when the uncertainty continues?
What happens when the 'certain yes' starts to be a no?

Life. Goes. On.

I'm not into backup plans.
I am into God's plan.
So I will wait.
I will pray.
I will see God's provision in His timing.

Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

-Gina

But If Not and Pray for Your Pastors!

I used to write a daily devotional. I have hundreds of devotionals that I have written on different passages in the Bible.
Over my adult life, one theme has been constant in my spiritual walk - waiting.
Much has been said on it in the Bible... so clearly I'm not alone.
In talking with a friend the other day I made a statement that isn't new to me but is hitting me fresh these days.
We live in a fallen and broken world.
There are many good things. There is a lot of joy to be had.
But there is also a lot of pain.
There is a lot of loneliness.
There are a lot of people devastated in ways that are unfathomable.
Tonight one of my old devotionals is on my mind.

It's the story of Daniel and a couple of guys you might have heard about facing certain death.
BTW - Daniel - Lions? Fire? Guy had some troubles huh?

Daniel 3:17-18

If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

These three young men were getting sentenced to death for following God instead of men. They didn't know whether God would save them or not... but they knew that He was able. They knew that no matter what they were going to obey God. It's a powerful story. Tonight there is much on my heart. Personally I have a situation where God has to come through. What I've learned: God may act exactly as I hope in this situation... but if not... I know He has something better ahead.

These three guys in the furnace trusted God, literally, with the end of their lives. They really believed that God could rescue them from the furnace. BUT they knew enough about God to know that what we think is best for us (including life itself) is not always God's best for us. So what did these three guys say as they faced death? "But IF not..." God I still trust you even if this doesn't go my way. I still trust you if the person I love the most in this world is taken away from me. I know that you can bring about miracles and you can take death itself away. I believe you can do all of this . . . but if not . . . I trust You even still.

The important thing is to not turn away from God when He doesn't follow your calendar and plan. It is my challenge for all of you whose answer is just days away... but it is not the answer you were looking to see. It is also my challenge for those of you whose answer is many waiting days away.

 - Gina

PS - pray for my brother Jeff and other ministers who deal with heartbreaking situations so often. On my heart tonight because of something specific... but needed every hour of every day for our ministers.

The Year That Flew

So once again I've got a little chunk of silence here in blog land.
I hereby apologize to my 3 readers.  :O)
2012 was dubbed the year of healing.

All along I've had an idea that this year was going to be full of surprises.
Marriage - Check - September 1st - hoping all my people can be there.
Major, Life-changing surgery - Check - June 12th
Did I mention living with a Man? - Welcome September 1st... you cannot get here soon enough. :P
Re-arranging and re-thinking how everything is done - Inevitable.

Today is May 25th, barely - 12:09 am.
Somehow this year has been the slowest and the fastest that I have ever experienced.
Since the middle of January I have been off work. Read that as zero incoming money since January 15th or so.
It's been a fight with our disability insurance as various people have drug feet and paperwork out.
It's been an incredible miracle to watch God stretch the savings that I had at the beginning of the year.
Praying that the stretch continues... but also that some money begins to draw back in!

The next few months will be a blur of pain, healing, wedding showers, moving, and wedding.

I cannot promise that I will write a word.
But I can promise that I will try!

In the mean time just know that life is moving. And if you're here close... come visit. Seriously  :O)
G

It is... what it is.

This seems to be my theme phrase so far this year.
Starting out January 1 I had no idea that things would be so drastically different on March 1.
But here we are. It is what it is.
Things are not bad on the grand scale of life.
They just aren't. When I look around at so many things in this world I still feel very fortunate.
I have a lot of people asking me to write again.
I just can't seem to get there.
I'm going to try to do better.
This year I definitely need physical healing. But I also need some spiritual and emotional fixing up as well.
So I am going to be thankful that the one thing I do have an abundance of at the moment is time.
Time to focus on where God is leading over the next few months.
Time to plan a WEDDING!
Time to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Time is something that I won't always have. I really want to take full advantage of it for all that's ahead.
I think I'm rambling, :O) , but hey - it is, what it is!

Signing off for now. Nothing profound here. Move along.
-Gina

Sometimes I Still Think I Can Run

It hit me today when I was in the doctor's office waiting for him to come in.
I just wanted to run down the hallway to the next appointment.
I wanted to just get up and run. I wanted to run.
Sometimes, I still think I can run.
I can actually forget that many days find me almost unable to walk.

My friend Jeniffer shared a blog this week that pegs where I am right now. I'm not all better.


I had high hopes of blogging more this year. Maybe I can get to that. I've just not had anything I wanted to say. Frankly I've been trying to process the last few months.
Today it hit me why.

When I chose my "One word" for 2012 it came much later than usual. For the first time ever that I can remember it was sparked by something someone else said (my mother). Then the very next morning it was in my quiet time.

Those of you who have kept up with me this past year know that it has been physically very trying.
I have two bad discs in my back - one that bulges out often (due to a tear in it's protective layer) and one that just hates me. :P

I was on disability for 3 months last year. This January has seen me go back on disability for the foreseeable future. No more job. No more church except online. A whole lotta isolation.

My word for 2012 - healing. I believe that this year will see me regain my health.
That can be hard to believe on days like today when the pain is so intense and steady.
But I believe it.

2012 - HEALING

When I count my blessings on 1/1/2013 they will include my new husband (seriously!!!), a year full of change & learning, and healing.
I believe it now even through the tears and pain.
God will heal me this year.
I'm. Ready.

One Word - 2011 - Change

Well God definitely called my word for the year accurately.

This year there has been much change.

Disability for 3 months

Pain for 12 months

The inability to do many of the things I took for granted in 2010 and before.

Getting engaged

I’m trying to learn to roll with it and embrace change.

Sometimes I have been ready and excited.

Sometimes I have been flat out petrified.

But we have made it!

2012 is right around the corner and I know it holds more change.

But I want more from it. I want joyful change.

And this year one thing I have learned is that there are a lot of things that you cannot control.

But you can always take on your attitude. Notice I didn’t say chose it… on purpose! Because while it is true that you can chose your attitude, it would be dishonest (of me at least) to say that always happens.

Gotta be real here with my people.  :O)

So…

Change

Live it, Love it, Learn how to embrace it.  :O)

Bring on 2012.

The Proposal!

Well first of all - totally surprised!
God's timing in this, as in all things turns out to be pretty perfect after all.
Al has had plans in the works for a while but the timing has been bad so far this year for many reasons.
Early in November Dad and he went to a Razorback football game and Al asked my dad if he could marry me. 
Mid November I started planning a surprise party for Al. He turns 40 on the 6th!
So I started enlisting conspirators who then start also working behind my back.
Al knew that my brother from North Dakota was going to be here for these weeks around Thanksgiving - perfect time to pop the question.
So the planning began.

We started off the night at Buck Nekkid BBQ (which I think is hilarious that it's part of our engagement story!) :O)
After that we went to the Fayetteville square to see the lights.
We walked all the way around the square and were standing around talking about what we were going to do.
Amelia said that she and Jeff wanted a picture on a bench that was behind us and surrounded by lights.
After Al took their picture Amelia asked us if we wanted ours.

We got our picture on the bench and as I started to get up Al stopped me.
He got down on one knee and I happily said "Yes!"

Just afterwards we went and sat down on another bench while we waited for Jeff and Amelia.
A man came up in front of us with a violin and began to play "Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel." Such a great cap to the night and completely unplanned.

We were blessed today to have Al's surprise party combined with an engagement party.
I'm sure I'll be an obnoxious engaged person... I've spent a lot of time building up to it.  :O)

So. In. Love.
So. Thankful!

Tender Places

Many nights in this past year I would describe my heart and soul as raw.
Spiritually it's been a blank period for me.
I've barely journaled.
I've only been able to attend church regularly online.
It's a dry period.
And the place I find myself in right now I think is best described by one word:

 Tender

I know why some of these places are tender. But not what to do with them.
When you have a broken arm (or screwed up back) you can easily tell people - Ouch - don't touch.
When your heart is tender it's not that easy to protect.
I find myself in a place I do not like.
I'm touchy about things that are in these tender spots.
Yet I cannot share with the world what they are in words.
Dreams not realized
Hopes just out of reach.
Painful absences... that do not make my heart fonder towards anything.
I resist the urge to cry out when that tender place is touched.
Those who are doing the wounding have no idea what their words have done.
They have no reason to. They cannot see the broken places.
Tonight I find myself reaching up and asking for God to begin to bind even the places I am unaware of right now.
Even if physical healing never comes, I realize the spiritual healing needed may be that much more desperaate.
But I believe that both healings are possible and are future.

Change - It was my word at the beginning of 2011. It is my word here at the close.
Please God, let none of these days be wasted.
Let the tender places be healed.

Wow. It's November People

I know you were waiting on me to tell you!  :O)
So much has not changed since my last check in.
I've been to yet another neurosurgeon who has given me the same kinda depressing news.
So stay tuned for some news on that front.
Since my word for the year was Change, I think the possible upcoming huge change would be appropriate.
Hope y'all are well.
I promise someday soon to return to my bloggy schedule I had started to stick to.
Pathetic.  :O)
Ohh and Blessing Baskets is here.  So don't expect that return to be before Thanksgiving!
-Gina

For My Uncle J. B.

I just finished watching a 10 part WWII documentary on Netflix.  Incredible.
About halfway through the series they covered Saipan.
Saipan is a teeny, tiny little Island in the Pacific that most people my age have probably never heard about.
Why did I know the name?
Because of my Great Uncle J. B.

On this teeny, tiny Island a very big battle was waged in June of 1944.  My uncle was there.
We have no details on how he died.
Watching this documentary is startling. I hesitate to mention it to my mother because of the shocking nature of what is spoken of and seen. I scan the videos for a recognizable face.
The whole picture painted reminds me how incredible these young men were to charge off of landing boats and onto shore; to run up hills into certain danger; to risk their lives to secure a future for the world as they knew it.
I'm in a bit of awe tonight.
And I'm remembering my Uncle.
In 2009 I found a website that showed where soldiers who had died in the Pacific had been buried. It's a place known as the Punch Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii.
From a link on that site, I sent in a request and a lady I do not know went to my Uncle's grave, placed a flower, and took a picture.
That gesture means so much more to me tonight as I understand that sacrifice a little better.
So thankful for a heritage of service and for men like my Uncle J.B. that have served and still serve our country today.
G

Help Me Outta My Hand-Me-Downs

So one of the fun blogs writers I follow - Kenlie is doing a give away that is helping me to seriously covet.
Cephalon is giving away a cookware set.
Gina. Wants.  :O)
We all know that I don't own a single piece of cookware that I have actually purchased myself. Everything I have came from someone else's kitchen.
Jump on over and check in out.  But don't even think about winning, cause this one is mine people.
http://www.alltheweigh.com/2011/09/calphalon/

I'm Still Alive

Yes, It is August. It's very close to September.
And I've been very silent this year.
As with most silences that was not for nothing. :O)
Back near the beginning of the year my chronic back pain moved from nuisance to debilitating.
By March I was barely active.
By April I was barely walking.
It's been a long road that I am not quite at the end of yet.
But I have felt the need to crawl back onto the net and at least say.
I. Am. Here.
Which my random brain feels the need to share, reminds me much of this scene from Horton Hears a Who.
So, ok, hopefully my last cartoon reference on this post.
Where were we? Oh yes. I. Am. Here.
I still have some specialists visits. I'm finally back at work but it's been very difficult.
Sitting is pain. Standing for long is pain.
Blah, blah
Now you are officially caught up on the last few months.
So what's new?
1.  Graduation - As of 8/4 I am the holder of a Master of Divinity with a Church Ministries emphasis from Liberty University.

2.  3 Years have passed - As of 8/23 I've been dating Al for 3 years (crazy no?)

3.  I've watched approximately 9,000 hours of Netflix programming. That is either a slight exaggeration or an under-count. I'm leaning towards the latter. They have a lot of stuff on there people!

4.  My parents have gone well above and beyond in taking care of me. There are no words to really cover that. Thank you's have been said. But I'll always be overwhelmed by their care.

5.  I can't think of a #5 but I had to have one.

There you go. All is explained. Hopefully I'll be back soon with something riveting and soul stirring. Or maybe just stupid and funny.
In the meantime, I. Am. Here.  :O)

The Day I Almost Ran

Well it's  been over a month since I got down in the dust to fight this depression full on with no  place to hide.
It's been a month of change.
I've seen good days and bad days.
But for the first time in probably a year I can finally say that my good days are starting to outnumber my bad days.
It's a milestone that I am not sure you can fully appreciate until you've been at the place where the days stretch on hopelessly before you.
So many of you responded to me that you've been there or you are there.
I wish I could give you a good picture of it. Really the night I hit publish on that blog the reponses were immediate. I literally sat in front of the laptop for hours reading and crying.
Many people understood.
Many people had come out the other side.
It is such a big thing to take part of the stigma of shame out of the equation. It is such a huge thing to have the people I love most in the world affirm that they are here for the duration; that I am not un-mendably broken; that one day or another I will be ok.

I think one of my biggest markers of change occurred this past Sunday morning on praise team. Unfortunately my body responds to adrenaline by shaking. The more adrenaline the more uncontrollable the shaking. It's mortifying to me because it looks like I am nervous... but really I'm not!
So one of my reactions to this in the past has been a massive anxiety attack/panic attack.
Sunday morning at the very start of our first song the panic started to creep in.
Now part of the medicine the doctor put me on 6 weeks ago was an anxiety component.
Despite that I knew a full blown attack was coming on. And what was I suppossed to do? I was on stage, with a mic, in front of thousands of people??

Fight
or
Flight

Somewhere inside of me this time a calmness started to spread. If I had run off the stage I probably would never have been able to face that moment of fear and panic again (this I know from my prior history). In a split second and while still singing I had to make the decision to run or stay.
It hit me there that no matter what I was about to press through.
Even if I passed out I was staying put.
The anxiety did not entirely pass... but it also did not overtake me.
There are NO words for how huge that is.
I am still fighting friends.
Stay in there with me.
If you are still battling I would still love to talk to you.
The struggle will be worth it someday. This is something I know without any doubt.
-Changing
-Gina

Honesty in change

As I start this post tonight I am still not sure that I will hit publish.
I am still not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
I written before that I believe secrecy is a tool that the enemy uses against us. When we hide who we are and what we are dealing with we give it power over us.
And I have been giving something in my life power over me for far too long.
At the end of the year when I wrote this post, I already knew that I was headed towards a decision on posting this or not. Honestly, I've leaned towards not.
Something within me still wanted to hang onto an image that I was ok - that I was not really broken. I was just lazy or crazy. Nothing was really wrong with me. I could just "pull it together."
So I continued to suffer in silence.
in a deep dark place
in a hopeless place
in a lonely place

It was more than a funky mood. As weeks went on early in 2010 I knew that I was in trouble but refused to face it. Things in my life were so good. I had found the love of my life. I was doing well in school. My job was stressful (at times) but wonderful and fulfilling.

But inside I was tanking. I knew it. People close to me knew it.
If you have ever suffered from depression or loved someone who does you know this hole well.
In coming clean with a few key people recently I realized that I was not alone.

This secret was hiding me. I had slipped back down into a deep depression that was slowly taking me over.

The me I know had gone away to be replaced by someone who really only wanted to stay in a dark room.
It's not my first time in this place. But this time I was really sure that I wasn't coming out of it.

So I finally went for help. This is where I struggle most though. It's the thing that is hard for so many believers to admit. I am back on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs. I so wanted to believe when I got better that I no longer needed the medicine. Surely I was fixed now.
But I was wrong.
For some of us depression and and anxiety have a chemical component. Something is off in our bodies. We feel out of control and powerless. We KNOW that things should be different but we cannot climb out of the hole.
Just as diabetics can be helped by insulin so can some depressions be lifted by fine tuning the chemicals in our brains.
And how incredible is my God who not only gave man the wisdom to fine tune, but gave him the tools as well!?!
I am not a failure because I am on medication to help me through this.
If you are here too... you are not a failure either.
I think I needed to say that because I know what some people will say.
If you want a debate on this... my blog is NOT the place for it. God and I have gone rounds on this one and I believe that yes I need counseling to learn how to cope with some things. But I clearly needed more help.
He is good.
He is trustworthy.
He is not a God of condemnation.
He is not willing to leave me alone in this pit.

If you are relating; If you are in this same place; maybe this confessional is for you. Maybe my tears can save you some.
I am broken. But I am healing.
I was a hopeless person who has glimpsed a light of hope.

My 2011 word is Change. When I picked that word it scared me so much because I knew where we were headed.

And now:
I. Am. Ready

-Changing
Gina

Change

So that's my word for 2011. And it still scares me.
But I know that things have to be different.
Yes I am still being vague.
Yes that is intentional.
This week has seen some subtle movements in my life that I pray are the indicators that something is about to give.
I believe that God is still working.
Why? If you go back and read the post right before I posted about my chosen word for the year... you'll notice my closing hope. I posted this while I was still struggling to pick my word!!

"I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change."

 

It was meant to be. :O)

For now. I need some time away to think, sing and pray.

God is good to me, much better than I could even ask.

I've been going back in my mind to a pivotal place in my life. A physical place where God showed me something amazing. The Beth Moore study I am doing mentioned last night that sometimes if you think you've strayed from God's place you need to go back to the place you last met Him powerfully. I think, I shall.

 

I await His movement and change.

-Ginabob

A Prelude: My Prayer

Where I am tonight.

Praying for Change

My One Word

For years I have always named my year. One year was "Joy." One year was "Faithfulness."
My year is always something that I need to work on that year or something that I hope for.
Some years are a promise from God to me of where we are going that year.
One of my blogging peeps does the same type thing. This year she is challenging people in this area via her blog. FYI... if you don't read this blog make it a MUST visit!


This year I have had trouble finding my word.
Due, in great part, to my struggles of the last few months (that blog is still to come I promise!) I have not chosen a word yet.
I have prayed, read and thought. Nothing seemed obvious. Nothing seemed right.
I have been a bit discouraged by this fact.
Today as I was reading over some of the other "One Word" people... it hit me.

Change

It's a scary word for me. I am resisting it honestly. I think I'm blogging it so I can't back out.

Change

More to come on this... I am sure. I'm still trying to talk myself out of having heard this!

Change, Changing, Changed
-Gina

It Ain't Over...Till It's Over

So after 6 weeks or so hiatus (unintentional), I’m writing two posts today.

One to publish and one to hang on to for a bit

It’s not that I want to be dishonest with anyone.

But sometimes telling things before their time could cause problems.

I don’t think that I will hold onto it long before hitting send.

I believe that people learn more from the end of our stories if they know the middle.

So hopefully after the first of the year I’ll be coming back and hitting send after I’ve had a few conversations.

In the meantime…

I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change. :o)

I hope and pray that you all can say the same.

Hang in my friends.

2010 may not have been all we hoped. But it ain’t over until it’s over!

AND 2011 is a big package waiting to be unwrapped.

-Gina

Taking a Step Back

One thing seems clear in this little internal fight I'm in.
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.

One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.

Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.

But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.

So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.

There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.

I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.

-Gina

Silence

So little bit of an unintentional blog break there...

I wanted to check back in here to  let you all know that I am still alive!
Doctor # 2... 3 possibly has now said that some of these issues that I am struggling with physically are stress induced.
STRESS

Yeah - I get that.

So I am re-evaluating some things.

One recurring theme here is sleep, actually the lack of sleep.

So the first step is to work on making sleepy time Gina's rituals a little better.

Any other insomniacs out there wanna chime in with what works for them?

-Working on the obvious
Gina

It's a Lie.

I'm thinking of recording some videos for myself.
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina

Whatever

So much I want to say but I just can't get there right now.
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.

But I just did tell you.

Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.

One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.

So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)

But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.

So come what may I intend to keep this up.

I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days.  And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.

Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.

-Gina

It's not a big step, but it is a step...

Well a few thousand of them to be exact.
For Baby Step # 1 I chose to amp up my walking again. I really like walking for exercise. It relaxes me. And I remember back when I was hitting 20,000 steps a day (yep... 20,000) I loved it.
And I remember thinking how much better I felt walking instead of sitting like the blob.
sooo - off we go.
And off I go.
God and I need some quality time tonight I can tell by my attitude.
-Gina

Baby Stepping (aka... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie)

Those of you who know the movie "What About Bob?" may recognize that little title.
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.

So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!

"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)

So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.

So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change... and then add in other changes.
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.

I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.

Hope y'all are all well.

As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina

We're Not Done Yet

I'm tempted tonight to write another one of my "things normal people don't tell you" stories. And I think I will take a chance on that in a few days.  We could all use some chuckles right?

Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)

While we wait for suggestions...

Let's talk honesty.

Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.

Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.

But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.
 
So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)

Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.

Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.

If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........

But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay.  :O)

The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.

So

I am not quitting.

We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.

Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.

Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter

It is What it Is

I keep trying again to think of something to write. I like to be helpful. Maybe uplifting.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.

Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."

It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!

But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.

Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.

I know... your life is also far from perfect

You went straight out of college into your dream job and have never doubted your calling

Again - far from perfect

I heard someone say the other day that they were waiting on God for something and they had to wait like 6 WHOLE MONTHS for the answer. I seriously, wanted to slap them (don't spread that around m'kay)

Some of us are serial wait-ers. You married your sweetie, only to see that life crumble. You married the love of your life, but children didn't follow. You never quite landed that dream job... or any job for that matter. You've lived your life single, with no prospects of that changing. You've watched as 30, 40, 50 years have passed and realized your dream life was no longer a possibility.

Wait

Waiting

But what do we wait for? For some reason lately when I think of waiting I think of the verse in the NT about grief. 1 Thessalonians 4:13

The verse is talking about death but really it's talking about hope.

We do not grieve like those who have no hope.

I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.

What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting

I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.

I just don't believe in hopeless.

Give me the Courage to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

So a couple of years ago as I was going through a rough patch I really latched onto the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Something about this prayer resonates with the uncontrollable nature of life. At the time in my life that I really dug into this the part that hit me was the part about accepting what I could not change. It felt like a lot at the time. I couldn't change the past - decisions that I had made and things that had happened. I couldn't change some of the circumstances at the time. I couldn't change other people.

I had to learn to accept things where they were. That was step one in this long process... and that was almost 5 YEARS ago.  5 YEARS... Wow.

Step two - Wisdom to recognize what I can change and the courage to CHANGE.

Today I went to find this poem, to write this blog, and I find there is more to it.

The more feels so much like a nugget that was just hiding for me today.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life

It is not where I want it. There is still much more change ahead. There are tough steps still ahead. 

There is change.

Change can be scary.

But today:

I will embrace change, no matter how scary it is.

I will fully love the life that God has given me and live it to the fullest.

I will not hide behind fat or fear.

I will face tomorrow and forget yesterday.

I will accept what can't be changed and work to change what must.

I will be where I am, because where I am is where God has me for this moment.

-How are my peeps?

-G

It's Been a Week

Well it's been a little bit. I'm still trying to pop in here once a week or so. So far, so good.
August is here... it's hot.
That's all I have to say about that!


This past week was a tough one.

Early on in the week we got a phone call that one of our sweet volunteers had been in a terrible car accident. We were given no details, just told she was in critical condition and to pray.
News the next day was not good.

Life Support
Brain dead
No hope

My heart broke. By the week's end two people that I respected greatly had left us to go be with our heavenly Father. One I knew rather well after four years of working with her in different roles. One I knew only in passing. He was a spiritual hero of mine. An incredible man who lived literally until the last day to share Christ and make disciples.  She was a hero of mine too - someone who served tirelessly behind the scenes... never asking for credit or reward.

My heart broke last week... repeatedly.
Tough week.
While I rejoice for their struggles to be over on this earth I mourn for their families and friends. Life lived without these two is a little less bright. Heaven and the prospect of heaven got a little sweeter.

You get thoughtful when weeks like last week come.
You spend a lot of  time thinking about life and death - about the legacy that your life is building.
You grieve. You examine. You weep.

It's the ups and downs all wrapped together that make our lives what they are. It is the good and the bad that shape us. It is how we react, how we walk this life, that tells a lot about who we are.

Tonight I'm thinking about what this next week holds: two funerals - one wedding.
Life... it goes on.

I am determined to not waste a second of it.
I am determined to build the legacy that Christ desires.
I am determined to follow the lessons of making disciples and serving others that I have seen modeled so well.

No regrets. No words left unsaid. Live life well. Live life fully.

-G