Posts
Well we all know that I have spent the last few months trying to find a job right?
You want to know what kind of situations drive a control freak absolutely insane?
If you guessed "not being in control," you are absolutely correct.
Last night I mentioned to the husband that I felt like "waiting" was my lifelong topic.
I really think the main reason for that is because God knows the lesson that I will most likely always have some element of struggle with.
Waiting.
I spent a bit of time tonight wondering why that might be.
Why does the mountain I keep circling in my wilderness experiences always seem to have "Waiting" etched in stone on it?
I believe it is because waiting on others to do something causes me to realize my lack of control in the situation.
That's not just one situation in my life friends. That includes multiple situations.
Will they hire me? Not in my control.
Will I ever get married? Not in my control. I did FYI... but this was on my waiting list for many years!
Will I ever be a mother? Not entirely in my control.
Will I ever be fully healed? Not in my control.
Will I ever _____ (insert new waiting situation here)? Not. In. My. Control.
It's enough to make the control freak in me insane.
But I think I may be (I will not say this next sentence definitively... I know better) getting the hang of this lesson.
Proverbs 16:9
A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.
I don't determine what happens next in these situations. But I am intimately involved with the One who does.
Most importantly though, I can trust Him.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths
And you can trust Him too.
Trusting and Waiting
-Gina
Showing posts with label Wilderness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wilderness. Show all posts
Monday, December 03, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Not There Yet
I think one of the things that I am still really struggling with overall is my perceptions of things versus reality.
I consider myself a pretty positive person.
But lately I am fighting a daily mental battle that is so strong I am having to daily remind myself that God is bigger.
I think a lot of it boils down to all the "down" time that I have had over this last year.
But I have noticed that it has gotten progressively worse in the last few months.
What do I attribute it to?
Marriage.
Now hang on... I did NOT say my husband. I said marriage. :O)
Hubs is super-duper. Didn't we cover that in an earlier post?
I think I shall call this syndrome the "aren't things supposed to be perfect now?" syndrome.
When you've lived the first 36 years of your life as a singleton it is easy to build marriage (or just not being single) up into the perfect scenario.
Life will be all roses and candlelight if I can just find the man of my dreams.
I won't still struggle with self doubt when I have someone who has chosen to be with only me.
I won't still have self image issues when he finally gets here.
Ladies (and gents I suppose) that is a lie, lie, lie.
Issues you carry with you before you say "I do," you will carry with you after.
And some issues that you thought you had "fixed" will rear up their ugly little head again.
I remember reading somewhere that God didn't give us marriage to make us happy but to make us holy.
So lately I've been thinking a lot about that.
Remember in the Old Testament when something needed to be purified how they managed that task?
Water, blood or FIRE.
Numbers 31:2
everything that can stand the fire, you shall pass through the fire, and it shall be clean, but it shall be purified with water for impurity. But whatever cannot stand the fire you shall pass through the water.
Living life in intimate, daily contact with someone can be like walking through fire. It is definitely like walking through a spotlight. Little things can be big issues quick when someone else is always there.
Tonight, despite this seemingly depressing post, :O) I bring hope.
The one who called you to the life you now lead is preparing you for the life that is to come.
He. Is. With. You.
He won't leave you alone to sit and soak in your "issue" of the day.
He is with you right where you are at this second even if it is a purifying fire or a drenching downpour of grief.
Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Be encouraged if/when you are walking through the fire of purification or water.
Singed but blessed. :O)
-Gina
I consider myself a pretty positive person.
But lately I am fighting a daily mental battle that is so strong I am having to daily remind myself that God is bigger.
I think a lot of it boils down to all the "down" time that I have had over this last year.
But I have noticed that it has gotten progressively worse in the last few months.
What do I attribute it to?
Marriage.
Now hang on... I did NOT say my husband. I said marriage. :O)
Hubs is super-duper. Didn't we cover that in an earlier post?
I think I shall call this syndrome the "aren't things supposed to be perfect now?" syndrome.
When you've lived the first 36 years of your life as a singleton it is easy to build marriage (or just not being single) up into the perfect scenario.
Life will be all roses and candlelight if I can just find the man of my dreams.
I won't still struggle with self doubt when I have someone who has chosen to be with only me.
I won't still have self image issues when he finally gets here.
Ladies (and gents I suppose) that is a lie, lie, lie.
Issues you carry with you before you say "I do," you will carry with you after.
And some issues that you thought you had "fixed" will rear up their ugly little head again.
I remember reading somewhere that God didn't give us marriage to make us happy but to make us holy.
So lately I've been thinking a lot about that.
Remember in the Old Testament when something needed to be purified how they managed that task?
Water, blood or FIRE.
Numbers 31:2
everything that can stand the fire, you shall pass through the fire, and it shall be clean, but it shall be purified with water for impurity. But whatever cannot stand the fire you shall pass through the water.
Living life in intimate, daily contact with someone can be like walking through fire. It is definitely like walking through a spotlight. Little things can be big issues quick when someone else is always there.
Tonight, despite this seemingly depressing post, :O) I bring hope.
The one who called you to the life you now lead is preparing you for the life that is to come.
He. Is. With. You.
He won't leave you alone to sit and soak in your "issue" of the day.
He is with you right where you are at this second even if it is a purifying fire or a drenching downpour of grief.
Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Be encouraged if/when you are walking through the fire of purification or water.
Singed but blessed. :O)
-Gina
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Life - You Should Live It
I need to get over here to the blog more often.
It's not necessarily that I have all these important things to tell the 7 of you who read this blog... actually I think it may be 10 of you now.
But I digress. :O)
So much of what I put here is for me.
I journal as well but somehow that is different.
There is something about having these words in cyber-land, along with some comments occasionally, that is important to me.
It gives me something to quickly go back to.
So, I'm trying to be more regular and disciplined about posting.
I've said that before so we shall see!
On to something else now.
This has been one of the most exciting years of my life.
It's been all about drastic changes, steps of faith, and life altering moments.
In between those, were about 1000 smaller things every, single day.
You know what never changes? Each of those smaller moments were just as important as the drastic and life-altering ones when all is said and done.
Why?
The little moments led up to or built up to the bigger ones.
Life is as much in the minutia as it is in the fanfare.
My "take-away" lesson from that:
Be faithful in the small moments. Be brave and wily. Don't be afraid to take the road that looks a little dicey and scary. (I totally mean that metaphorically. Don't go driving down some nutty "deliverance" road and blame me for it.) :O)
Be IN every single moment.
It's your life.
Do. Not. Miss. It.
-Living This Moment to the Full - Jeremiah 29:11
-Gina
It's not necessarily that I have all these important things to tell the 7 of you who read this blog... actually I think it may be 10 of you now.
But I digress. :O)
So much of what I put here is for me.
I journal as well but somehow that is different.
There is something about having these words in cyber-land, along with some comments occasionally, that is important to me.
It gives me something to quickly go back to.
So, I'm trying to be more regular and disciplined about posting.
I've said that before so we shall see!
On to something else now.
This has been one of the most exciting years of my life.
It's been all about drastic changes, steps of faith, and life altering moments.
In between those, were about 1000 smaller things every, single day.
You know what never changes? Each of those smaller moments were just as important as the drastic and life-altering ones when all is said and done.
Why?
The little moments led up to or built up to the bigger ones.
Life is as much in the minutia as it is in the fanfare.
My "take-away" lesson from that:
Be faithful in the small moments. Be brave and wily. Don't be afraid to take the road that looks a little dicey and scary. (I totally mean that metaphorically. Don't go driving down some nutty "deliverance" road and blame me for it.) :O)
Be IN every single moment.
It's your life.
Do. Not. Miss. It.
-Living This Moment to the Full - Jeremiah 29:11
-Gina
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
The Day I Almost Ran
Well it's been over a month since I got down in the dust to fight this depression full on with no place to hide.
It's been a month of change.
I've seen good days and bad days.
But for the first time in probably a year I can finally say that my good days are starting to outnumber my bad days.
It's a milestone that I am not sure you can fully appreciate until you've been at the place where the days stretch on hopelessly before you.
So many of you responded to me that you've been there or you are there.
I wish I could give you a good picture of it. Really the night I hit publish on that blog the reponses were immediate. I literally sat in front of the laptop for hours reading and crying.
Many people understood.
Many people had come out the other side.
It is such a big thing to take part of the stigma of shame out of the equation. It is such a huge thing to have the people I love most in the world affirm that they are here for the duration; that I am not un-mendably broken; that one day or another I will be ok.
I think one of my biggest markers of change occurred this past Sunday morning on praise team. Unfortunately my body responds to adrenaline by shaking. The more adrenaline the more uncontrollable the shaking. It's mortifying to me because it looks like I am nervous... but really I'm not!
So one of my reactions to this in the past has been a massive anxiety attack/panic attack.
Sunday morning at the very start of our first song the panic started to creep in.
Now part of the medicine the doctor put me on 6 weeks ago was an anxiety component.
Despite that I knew a full blown attack was coming on. And what was I suppossed to do? I was on stage, with a mic, in front of thousands of people??
Fight
or
Flight
Somewhere inside of me this time a calmness started to spread. If I had run off the stage I probably would never have been able to face that moment of fear and panic again (this I know from my prior history). In a split second and while still singing I had to make the decision to run or stay.
It hit me there that no matter what I was about to press through.
Even if I passed out I was staying put.
The anxiety did not entirely pass... but it also did not overtake me.
There are NO words for how huge that is.
I am still fighting friends.
Stay in there with me.
If you are still battling I would still love to talk to you.
The struggle will be worth it someday. This is something I know without any doubt.
-Changing
-Gina
It's been a month of change.
I've seen good days and bad days.
But for the first time in probably a year I can finally say that my good days are starting to outnumber my bad days.
It's a milestone that I am not sure you can fully appreciate until you've been at the place where the days stretch on hopelessly before you.
So many of you responded to me that you've been there or you are there.
I wish I could give you a good picture of it. Really the night I hit publish on that blog the reponses were immediate. I literally sat in front of the laptop for hours reading and crying.
Many people understood.
Many people had come out the other side.
It is such a big thing to take part of the stigma of shame out of the equation. It is such a huge thing to have the people I love most in the world affirm that they are here for the duration; that I am not un-mendably broken; that one day or another I will be ok.
I think one of my biggest markers of change occurred this past Sunday morning on praise team. Unfortunately my body responds to adrenaline by shaking. The more adrenaline the more uncontrollable the shaking. It's mortifying to me because it looks like I am nervous... but really I'm not!
So one of my reactions to this in the past has been a massive anxiety attack/panic attack.
Sunday morning at the very start of our first song the panic started to creep in.
Now part of the medicine the doctor put me on 6 weeks ago was an anxiety component.
Despite that I knew a full blown attack was coming on. And what was I suppossed to do? I was on stage, with a mic, in front of thousands of people??
Fight
or
Flight
Somewhere inside of me this time a calmness started to spread. If I had run off the stage I probably would never have been able to face that moment of fear and panic again (this I know from my prior history). In a split second and while still singing I had to make the decision to run or stay.
It hit me there that no matter what I was about to press through.
Even if I passed out I was staying put.
The anxiety did not entirely pass... but it also did not overtake me.
There are NO words for how huge that is.
I am still fighting friends.
Stay in there with me.
If you are still battling I would still love to talk to you.
The struggle will be worth it someday. This is something I know without any doubt.
-Changing
-Gina
Thursday, December 16, 2010
It Ain't Over...Till It's Over
So after 6 weeks or so hiatus (unintentional), I’m writing two posts today.
One to publish and one to hang on to for a bit
It’s not that I want to be dishonest with anyone.
But sometimes telling things before their time could cause problems.
I don’t think that I will hold onto it long before hitting send.
I believe that people learn more from the end of our stories if they know the middle.
So hopefully after the first of the year I’ll be coming back and hitting send after I’ve had a few conversations.
In the meantime…
I’m still here.
I’m still fighting.
I believe in change.
Sometimes I even still have hope in change. :o)
I hope and pray that you all can say the same.
Hang in my friends.
2010 may not have been all we hoped. But it ain’t over until it’s over!
AND 2011 is a big package waiting to be unwrapped.
-Gina
Friday, October 29, 2010
Taking a Step Back
One thing seems clear in this little internal fight I'm in.
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.
One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.
Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.
But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.
So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.
There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.
I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.
-Gina
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.
One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.
Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.
But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.
So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.
There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.
I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.
-Gina
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's a Lie.
I'm thinking of recording some videos for myself.
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Whatever
So much I want to say but I just can't get there right now.
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.
But I just did tell you.
Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.
One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.
So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)
But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.
So come what may I intend to keep this up.
I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days. And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.
Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.
-Gina
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.
But I just did tell you.
Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.
One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.
So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)
But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.
So come what may I intend to keep this up.
I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days. And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.
Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.
-Gina
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Baby Stepping (aka... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie)
Those of you who know the movie "What About Bob?" may recognize that little title.
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.
So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!
"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)
So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.
So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change...and then add in other changes.
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.
I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.
Hope y'all are all well.
As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.
So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!
"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)
So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.
So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change...
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.
I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.
Hope y'all are all well.
As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina
Thursday, August 26, 2010
We're Not Done Yet
I'm tempted tonight to write another one of my "things normal people don't tell you" stories. And I think I will take a chance on that in a few days. We could all use some chuckles right?
Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)
While we wait for suggestions...
Let's talk honesty.
Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.
Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.
But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.
So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)
Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.
Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.
If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........
But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay. :O)
The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.
So
I am not quitting.
We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.
Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.
Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter
Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)
While we wait for suggestions...
Let's talk honesty.
Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.
Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.
But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.
So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)
Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.
Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.
If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........
But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay. :O)
The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.
So
I am not quitting.
We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.
Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.
Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It is What it Is
I keep trying again to think of something to write. I like to be helpful. Maybe uplifting.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.
Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."
It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!
But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.
Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.
I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.
What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting
I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.
I just don't believe in hopeless.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.
Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."
It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!
But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.
Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.
I know... your life is also far from perfect
You went straight out of college into your dream job and have never doubted your calling
Again - far from perfect
I heard someone say the other day that they were waiting on God for something and they had to wait like 6 WHOLE MONTHS for the answer. I seriously, wanted to slap them (don't spread that around m'kay)
Some of us are serial wait-ers. You married your sweetie, only to see that life crumble. You married the love of your life, but children didn't follow. You never quite landed that dream job... or any job for that matter. You've lived your life single, with no prospects of that changing. You've watched as 30, 40, 50 years have passed and realized your dream life was no longer a possibility.
Wait
Waiting
But what do we wait for? For some reason lately when I think of waiting I think of the verse in the NT about grief. 1 Thessalonians 4:13
The verse is talking about death but really it's talking about hope.
We do not grieve like those who have no hope.
I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.
What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting
I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.
I just don't believe in hopeless.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Tender-hearted
My heart is tender right now.
My heart is tender to lots of things just about all the time. Some things always move me to tears - weddings, hurting people, love, death - you get the picture.
But right now my heart is tender-er than normal (yeah - not great grammar).
I feel thin-skinned. It's not in a way that I am easily offended at things but in a way that seems like the slightest emotion can bruise me. The most innocuous conversation can bring me to tears.
My heart is just tender right now.
I've spent a couple of days trying to figure out what's at the root of where I am emotionally. It's not hormonal. It's not entirely situational.
I think I am on the edge of something huge because of all the things in life that just seem uncertain. In the middle of that I think that God is preparing my heart for new things and new growth.
The analogy that I keep thinking of in all this is how you tenderize meat: you beat the crap out of it. In the past year I have had situations and people that have done just that. People and situations in this past year have challenged me, broken me, and in some cases hurt me.
Being hurt is a part of life. Being hurt is a by-product of loving people.
I used the words "broken" and "brokenhearted" a lot this year. Things that seem vital to my happiness have been, and still are, ultimately out of my hands. That leaves me feeling out of control. If you know me... out of control is not in my comfort zone of emotions.
I know that ultimately my happiness comes from my relationship with Christ. Really my joy comes from there and there are a LOT of joyful moments in my life.
I do a lot of celebrating too.
But my heart is tender right now.
While I think I may be rambling a bit I do have a point.
I'm on several journeys in my life.
I'm working hard to be healthy and lose weight.
I'm walking through new territory being totally in love with an incredible man that I've been dating for almost two years. Going from life-long singleton to a long-term relationship is a joy but definitely a challenge as well.
I'm daily working on my relationship with Christ and learning about grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I'm daily working on my relationships with friends and family - trying to be a good daughter, friend, sister and aunt.
Right now a lot of blogging seems be focused on the weight-loss journey. While my weight doesn't define me it has influenced a lot of other areas in my life and I am working to change that. Since many of you are as well, I have chosen to fight this publicly in order to hopefully help you while I learn and struggle.
Possibly because I have been so open about it... it has added another tender spot in my heart.
I so wish that my emotions weren't this close to the surface right now. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel decidedly uncomfortable.
I am however, not giving up or in. I am pushing on. I am going to continue laughing, loving, screwing up, getting back up, apologizing when needed, crying when needed and living life.
Since we're in this boat together... I'll probably keep blogging too. :O)
How are y'all doing?
I'd sure love to hear.
My heart is tender to lots of things just about all the time. Some things always move me to tears - weddings, hurting people, love, death - you get the picture.
But right now my heart is tender-er than normal (yeah - not great grammar).
I feel thin-skinned. It's not in a way that I am easily offended at things but in a way that seems like the slightest emotion can bruise me. The most innocuous conversation can bring me to tears.
My heart is just tender right now.
I've spent a couple of days trying to figure out what's at the root of where I am emotionally. It's not hormonal. It's not entirely situational.
I think I am on the edge of something huge because of all the things in life that just seem uncertain. In the middle of that I think that God is preparing my heart for new things and new growth.
The analogy that I keep thinking of in all this is how you tenderize meat: you beat the crap out of it. In the past year I have had situations and people that have done just that. People and situations in this past year have challenged me, broken me, and in some cases hurt me.
Being hurt is a part of life. Being hurt is a by-product of loving people.
I used the words "broken" and "brokenhearted" a lot this year. Things that seem vital to my happiness have been, and still are, ultimately out of my hands. That leaves me feeling out of control. If you know me... out of control is not in my comfort zone of emotions.
I know that ultimately my happiness comes from my relationship with Christ. Really my joy comes from there and there are a LOT of joyful moments in my life.
I do a lot of celebrating too.
But my heart is tender right now.
While I think I may be rambling a bit I do have a point.
I'm on several journeys in my life.
I'm working hard to be healthy and lose weight.
I'm walking through new territory being totally in love with an incredible man that I've been dating for almost two years. Going from life-long singleton to a long-term relationship is a joy but definitely a challenge as well.
I'm daily working on my relationship with Christ and learning about grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I'm daily working on my relationships with friends and family - trying to be a good daughter, friend, sister and aunt.
Right now a lot of blogging seems be focused on the weight-loss journey. While my weight doesn't define me it has influenced a lot of other areas in my life and I am working to change that. Since many of you are as well, I have chosen to fight this publicly in order to hopefully help you while I learn and struggle.
Possibly because I have been so open about it... it has added another tender spot in my heart.
I so wish that my emotions weren't this close to the surface right now. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel decidedly uncomfortable.
I am however, not giving up or in. I am pushing on. I am going to continue laughing, loving, screwing up, getting back up, apologizing when needed, crying when needed and living life.
Since we're in this boat together... I'll probably keep blogging too. :O)
How are y'all doing?
I'd sure love to hear.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's Not You... It's Him
One of my favorite ways for God to speak is when something else entirely is going on and He presses on my heart.
If you're a believer you know exactly what I am talking about. You can be sitting and listening to a sermon on whatever and He just takes you somewhere else entirely.
It happened to me, so sweetly, last night in choir practice.
I've been struggling lately - that's not news to anyone - with all the change in my life. I crave change. I'm always up for God to move me somewhere else or change my situation, physically that is. When it comes to emotional/spiritual changes I can be less than enthusiastic (let's be honest right?!).
But I've been struggling because I have been asking for direct answers - God sized movements - CHANGE in my time - and it just isn't happening.
In reality I know that God's plans are better than mine. That's real information to me. It is not a theoretical thing. I know it like I know my name. His ways are better. His plans are always better. His choices for me are what I need.
But I fight it because sometimes I'm rebellious and just want what I want when I want it! And sometimes in fighting it I screw things up. Sometimes I screw things up enthusiastically and massively (it's an adverb/adjective night I'm thinking).
In the fight, when things inevitably self-destruct, I can get desperate to get back. Sometimes you doubt whether you can hear God at all anymore. Have I gone too far? Have I finally hit the mark where He cannot find me? I know these things will never be true. But desperation can speak loud and ugly lies!
Where was I?
Oh yes... I was in choir.
We had an incredible rehearsal last night. Our guest director (Dick Hill) was encouraging and such a blessing. But I was finally still and letting my heart take a break from my desperation so God chose to whisper. He never needs to shout when I hit desperation. A whisper always works at that point.
There it was - clear as day. You won't be disappointed if I don't detail it right? :O) I hope not... cause I'm not gonna.
Let's just say that He is clearly not done working and I am going to stop trying to give direction. I am going to stop listening to everyone else's good advice and wait for His Word to speak.
When I get down to the core of myself I realize that I want to trust His direction but there are so many competing voices. So many other people seem to know better.
I. Trust. Him.
He has never, ever let me down. I can trust that.
If you're a believer you know exactly what I am talking about. You can be sitting and listening to a sermon on whatever and He just takes you somewhere else entirely.
It happened to me, so sweetly, last night in choir practice.
I've been struggling lately - that's not news to anyone - with all the change in my life. I crave change. I'm always up for God to move me somewhere else or change my situation, physically that is. When it comes to emotional/spiritual changes I can be less than enthusiastic (let's be honest right?!).
But I've been struggling because I have been asking for direct answers - God sized movements - CHANGE in my time - and it just isn't happening.
In reality I know that God's plans are better than mine. That's real information to me. It is not a theoretical thing. I know it like I know my name. His ways are better. His plans are always better. His choices for me are what I need.
But I fight it because sometimes I'm rebellious and just want what I want when I want it! And sometimes in fighting it I screw things up. Sometimes I screw things up enthusiastically and massively (it's an adverb/adjective night I'm thinking).
In the fight, when things inevitably self-destruct, I can get desperate to get back. Sometimes you doubt whether you can hear God at all anymore. Have I gone too far? Have I finally hit the mark where He cannot find me? I know these things will never be true. But desperation can speak loud and ugly lies!
Where was I?
Oh yes... I was in choir.
We had an incredible rehearsal last night. Our guest director (Dick Hill) was encouraging and such a blessing. But I was finally still and letting my heart take a break from my desperation so God chose to whisper. He never needs to shout when I hit desperation. A whisper always works at that point.
There it was - clear as day. You won't be disappointed if I don't detail it right? :O) I hope not... cause I'm not gonna.
Let's just say that He is clearly not done working and I am going to stop trying to give direction. I am going to stop listening to everyone else's good advice and wait for His Word to speak.
When I get down to the core of myself I realize that I want to trust His direction but there are so many competing voices. So many other people seem to know better.
I. Trust. Him.
He has never, ever let me down. I can trust that.
Monday, March 01, 2010
Ebenezer
I was positive that I had written about this before but I cannot find it anywhere.
So I'll mark my night/week/month/year by marking my ebenezer stone here on the blog.
Well - it's already in my journal... this is just maybe something for someone else.
You know I always say I hate to waste a lesson so that's why I share! :O)
1 Sam 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."
I really don't remember the first time I heard this analogy. I have a feeling it was Beth Moore, cause Beth is just like that! But it's a term I have used many times since the first time I heard it.
For me an Ebenezer is a marker in my life when God does something that is so astounding/profound that I have to put down some stones for posterity and say "Up to this moment, God has helped me."
It's a reminder of where I've been. I can pick up some of those markers (and some are actual physical rocks!) and I can know that God has been there with every step.
Ebenezer - Up to this moment, God has helped me.
I started to write a very different blog tonight but somewhere in the middle of it God just came down and I pulled away for a few hours. Because when God speaks I hope I always drop it all and listen.
Ebenezer
It's no secret. I've blogged it. I've tweeted it. I've facebooked it. I've talked about it with the people I love.
I have just felt broken, brokenhearted. A lot goes into that personally.
I have no doubt that I am His child. But God has in many ways seemed silent for a while in some key areas.
I was a bit angry about that. I needed a word, but no word seemed to come. So I went silent too. Two can play this bit.
I wrote a few weeks ago about fearing becoming Marah (bitter) and wanting to be Hephzibah. Still there was silence and brokenness.
And instead of retreating IN... I moved a little further away.
Tonight I revisited some of the old stones - Ebenezer.
There are places I remember, ugly places where God pulled me through. Ebenezer
There are joyful places where God revealed and I joyfully danced. Ebenezer
There were painful places where God gently led me and healed me. Ebenezer
There is a place - where God showed up and no one could doubt that something miraculous had happened.
Ebenezer
Ebenezer
Little markers to God's faithfulness.
Am I really doubting now that He is good and He does what is good? Am I really focusing on myself when His holiness and faithfulness have been my shield for so many years? Am I really arrogant enough to think that I can pick up just fine here now thankyouverymuch and do it by myself?
So I have wrestled with the brokenhearted-ness this time and come back again to the fact that "Up to this moment, God has helped me."
Tonight I have marked another ebenezer stone because, while I still have no answer I have a promise and I will hold it in my heart.
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ebenezer
So I'll mark my night/week/month/year by marking my ebenezer stone here on the blog.
Well - it's already in my journal... this is just maybe something for someone else.
You know I always say I hate to waste a lesson so that's why I share! :O)
1 Sam 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."
I really don't remember the first time I heard this analogy. I have a feeling it was Beth Moore, cause Beth is just like that! But it's a term I have used many times since the first time I heard it.
For me an Ebenezer is a marker in my life when God does something that is so astounding/profound that I have to put down some stones for posterity and say "Up to this moment, God has helped me."
It's a reminder of where I've been. I can pick up some of those markers (and some are actual physical rocks!) and I can know that God has been there with every step.
Ebenezer - Up to this moment, God has helped me.
I started to write a very different blog tonight but somewhere in the middle of it God just came down and I pulled away for a few hours. Because when God speaks I hope I always drop it all and listen.
Ebenezer
It's no secret. I've blogged it. I've tweeted it. I've facebooked it. I've talked about it with the people I love.
I have just felt broken, brokenhearted. A lot goes into that personally.
I have no doubt that I am His child. But God has in many ways seemed silent for a while in some key areas.
I was a bit angry about that. I needed a word, but no word seemed to come. So I went silent too. Two can play this bit.
I wrote a few weeks ago about fearing becoming Marah (bitter) and wanting to be Hephzibah. Still there was silence and brokenness.
And instead of retreating IN... I moved a little further away.
Tonight I revisited some of the old stones - Ebenezer.
There are places I remember, ugly places where God pulled me through. Ebenezer
There are joyful places where God revealed and I joyfully danced. Ebenezer
There were painful places where God gently led me and healed me. Ebenezer
There is a place - where God showed up and no one could doubt that something miraculous had happened.
Ebenezer
Little markers to God's faithfulness.
Am I really doubting now that He is good and He does what is good? Am I really focusing on myself when His holiness and faithfulness have been my shield for so many years? Am I really arrogant enough to think that I can pick up just fine here now thankyouverymuch and do it by myself?
So I have wrestled with the brokenhearted-ness this time and come back again to the fact that "Up to this moment, God has helped me."
Tonight I have marked another ebenezer stone because, while I still have no answer I have a promise and I will hold it in my heart.
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ebenezer
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wandering
So it's funny the different things that can trigger old emotions.
I've been battling a big trigger this week. I won't say what started it because I'm so not about talking specifics when it involves someone else who likely had NO idea what they triggered.
I can say that at 33 I still fight with some major insecurity. (And Yes... Beth Moore's new study is on my list if I can ever clear my current palate of 600 plus pages a week)
Insecurity... just the word in front of me makes me want to throw up right now.
Because even putting it here makes me vulnerable to the very type people and situations that started this little trigger.
Rejection and Insecurity
I think most people struggle with some form or fashion of insecurity. Me, I came by it early in life. I never seemed to fit in anywhere that I was. I always, always felt awkward and isolated.
I learned early to be funny because people who are laughing with you typically (not always) aren't laughing AT you.
It was a good defense - be charming and funny. But it didn't always work as a protector.
As I grew up I found my circle but there were still some places where I would never fit and that knowledge hurt me for years.
Frankly, this week due to some situations and conversations I was smack dab where my little defense mechanism couldn't do anything.
Rejected and insecure - and feeling like I was 9 again.
Ironically the older version of me, I realized, copes much the same as the earlier version.
She hides.
But isolating myself doesn't help because it makes me feel more rejected, isolated and insecure.
Enter yet another vicious cycle that I can find myself in the middle of and wondering how the heck I ended up in the same place again.
So this time, much earlier in the cycle I have to say (hooray for progress) I realized what has happened.
I can even realize what triggered the feeling and how it compounded.
So - lessons learned this round:
1. Other people are going to reject me and maybe just plain not like me.
2. I'm going to be ok with that.
3. Only one opinion matters in the end - God's. He certainly uses other people to get those opinions across from time to time, but ultimately He has the final say in priorities and other decisions (not anyone else).
4. My opinion of myself could use some work and today is a good day to start working on that.
5. Letting anyone other than God set the tone of my day is a huge mistake that needs to be fixed as quickly as it gets off track.
-Gina
- getting over myself one day at a time
I've been battling a big trigger this week. I won't say what started it because I'm so not about talking specifics when it involves someone else who likely had NO idea what they triggered.
I can say that at 33 I still fight with some major insecurity. (And Yes... Beth Moore's new study is on my list if I can ever clear my current palate of 600 plus pages a week)
Insecurity... just the word in front of me makes me want to throw up right now.
Because even putting it here makes me vulnerable to the very type people and situations that started this little trigger.
Rejection and Insecurity
I think most people struggle with some form or fashion of insecurity. Me, I came by it early in life. I never seemed to fit in anywhere that I was. I always, always felt awkward and isolated.
I learned early to be funny because people who are laughing with you typically (not always) aren't laughing AT you.
It was a good defense - be charming and funny. But it didn't always work as a protector.
As I grew up I found my circle but there were still some places where I would never fit and that knowledge hurt me for years.
Frankly, this week due to some situations and conversations I was smack dab where my little defense mechanism couldn't do anything.
Rejected and insecure - and feeling like I was 9 again.
Ironically the older version of me, I realized, copes much the same as the earlier version.
She hides.
But isolating myself doesn't help because it makes me feel more rejected, isolated and insecure.
Enter yet another vicious cycle that I can find myself in the middle of and wondering how the heck I ended up in the same place again.
So this time, much earlier in the cycle I have to say (hooray for progress) I realized what has happened.
I can even realize what triggered the feeling and how it compounded.
So - lessons learned this round:
1. Other people are going to reject me and maybe just plain not like me.
2. I'm going to be ok with that.
3. Only one opinion matters in the end - God's. He certainly uses other people to get those opinions across from time to time, but ultimately He has the final say in priorities and other decisions (not anyone else).
4. My opinion of myself could use some work and today is a good day to start working on that.
5. Letting anyone other than God set the tone of my day is a huge mistake that needs to be fixed as quickly as it gets off track.
-Gina
- getting over myself one day at a time
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
No Really... It's Not That Profound
I don't know why, but I think that sounds like an appropriate title for my life lately.
Not that my life is meaningless or anything. This isn't an Eeyore post... I'm not about to go into a verse of "If it is a good day... which I doubt."
I just find myself lately re-finding old revelations. As frustrating as it is for me right now God and I are covering some ground that I know very, very well.
My time in this particular wilderness journey is well traveled. Sure some of the details have changed.
But overall - same song - 900th verse.
Now this is actually not a complaint!
Go figure!
What I am saying is I've been here before, learning these lessons before and would have sworn last go round that we would not be needing a refresher course so soon.
But here we are.
In the same wilderness... AGAIN.
My first reaction on this non-profound realization was almost frustration until I realized something key.
I'm in the same wilderness learning some of the same lessons but I realized tonight in parsing through this that it's like anything you learn in life.
Repetition really is sometimes the key!
When I was learning to play the piano or the flute I would play the same pieces or scales over and over and over again until I knew it backwards and forwards. I would leave it and come back to it sometimes but I would keep at it because I wanted to really learn it.
So here I am.
Lather.Rinse.Repeat.
See... I told you that it wasn't all that profound.
I learned something my last patch through this particular desert. Metaphorically I learned not to drink the water from that well over there. It's bitter and makes you sick. Don't talk to that hermit. He smells bad and is grumpy. See that cave over there - BATS! Avoid. Don't stay too long at that oasis. It looks all good for a while but it's deadly.
I learned some things last time that are making this time through a little quicker. It's making my trip a little more enjoyable.
Maybe it's my last trip through this path. Maybe it's not. If it isn't... I'm making sure to take good notes this time (journal) because I don't want to miss a second.
Even the rough paths are valuable if you learn something.
Me - I'm still here wandering in a little bit of a circle for now. Just being honest! But I am learning something new this time. I'm not going to waste a second. I'm going to cherish even the weirdness because it's all bringing me to the place that HE has prepared for me.
Not that my life is meaningless or anything. This isn't an Eeyore post... I'm not about to go into a verse of "If it is a good day... which I doubt."
I just find myself lately re-finding old revelations. As frustrating as it is for me right now God and I are covering some ground that I know very, very well.
My time in this particular wilderness journey is well traveled. Sure some of the details have changed.
But overall - same song - 900th verse.
Now this is actually not a complaint!
Go figure!
What I am saying is I've been here before, learning these lessons before and would have sworn last go round that we would not be needing a refresher course so soon.
But here we are.
In the same wilderness... AGAIN.
My first reaction on this non-profound realization was almost frustration until I realized something key.
I'm in the same wilderness learning some of the same lessons but I realized tonight in parsing through this that it's like anything you learn in life.
Repetition really is sometimes the key!
When I was learning to play the piano or the flute I would play the same pieces or scales over and over and over again until I knew it backwards and forwards. I would leave it and come back to it sometimes but I would keep at it because I wanted to really learn it.
So here I am.
Lather.Rinse.Repeat.
See... I told you that it wasn't all that profound.
I learned something my last patch through this particular desert. Metaphorically I learned not to drink the water from that well over there. It's bitter and makes you sick. Don't talk to that hermit. He smells bad and is grumpy. See that cave over there - BATS! Avoid. Don't stay too long at that oasis. It looks all good for a while but it's deadly.
I learned some things last time that are making this time through a little quicker. It's making my trip a little more enjoyable.
Maybe it's my last trip through this path. Maybe it's not. If it isn't... I'm making sure to take good notes this time (journal) because I don't want to miss a second.
Even the rough paths are valuable if you learn something.
Me - I'm still here wandering in a little bit of a circle for now. Just being honest! But I am learning something new this time. I'm not going to waste a second. I'm going to cherish even the weirdness because it's all bringing me to the place that HE has prepared for me.
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