Waiting - Advent Day 14 - Week 2

 It's our last day on waiting peeps!  :)

Isaiah 7:14

“Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.”

I watched the Nativity Story (2006) movie again. I highly recommend it! Something about watching the well-known story unfold on the big screen got me thinking about things in a new way. There were a couple of things that left me thinking specifically. One scene has Joseph praying to God for a sign that he is doing what God has asked. And as he is asking for that sign, right up behind him the stars are starting to converge into the ultimate sign. Along that same line there is a story told twice in this movie that I have always loved. The story is from I Kings about Elijah. Basically he has a major pity party and then just sits down waiting to hear from God. The verse says: And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

My point is this - asking for a sign from God is not a new thing. And I think we often miss obvious signs because we are looking for some huge neon light. We're looking for the earthquake while God is screaming at us in a whisper. More than any sign we have ever been given, is the sign of a little baby in a manger. Have you ever wondered if you are basically alone in this world? Do you feel forgotten sometimes? Maybe this season somehow you feel God Himself has forgotten you. Look back to that baby in a manger. He came here willingly to sacrifice Himself for you because He loved you. That's the sign you were waiting for. He loves you. He thinks about you. He has not forgotten or forsaken you.

Trust it - it was written in the stars over 2000 years ago.

Father,
Help us remember the sign that you sent us so long ago... and the signs that are all around us right now if we just pay attention. Thank you for the sacrifice that you made for all of us. Help us to remember that this season is not about the gifts under the tree, but the baby in the manger.
-Amen

-Gina

Waiting - Advent Day 13 - Week 2

 Psalm 42:8

The LORD will command His loving-kindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.

As one who has some sleep issues, this Psalm has always been a comfort to me. But I'd like to look at it a little differently tonight.
Daytime and nighttime here can be that physical every 24 hours kind of daytime. But this Psalm is one with layers! Let's read daytime = good times and nighttime = not so great times. So where is God in the nighttime (aka not so good times)? Take a second for this to sink in because I'm going somewhere. His song will be with me in the night. Picture for me, if you will, that you are in a completely black night. It's so black that you can't see in any direction. You don't know where you are or where you are going. But somewhere in the night you hear singing. It's a familiar voice. It's somehow comforting, and familiar. What do you do? Sit in the dark and say? Hey I'm in the dark... this isn't fair. Why am I stuck here in the dark? Won't someone help me? Other people don't have to deal with this dark! My sister got out of the dark years ago! 

Or do you follow the one Voice singing?

The dark may last for a while... but Joy always comes in that morning to come. And you know what the morning always WILL come, always! So if you're in the dark today, listen for that One Voice singing. That is the One who will lead you safely through no matter how long the night lasts.
Psalm 20:7 - Some trust in chariots... but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

I don't know how long your dark has lasted. Please, believe with me that the waiting will not last forever. As we approach the memory of the birth of true HOPE into the world. I beg you to listen hard for that one Voice.

Father,
We trust you here in the waiting. Our world has so much darkness in it. We desperately need Light. Please come and shine that light into the hearts of my friend reading this right now. Surround them with your love. Sing over them a song that will light their night.
-Amen

Gina

Waiting - Advent - Day 12 - Week 2

Psalm 33:20-22

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.

You know, I'm good at waiting. I feel like I've had a lot of experience at it. Many of you are in the same boat. You've been waiting on something for years, decades even. The problem with waiting that can make it so difficult usually centers right in us. 

The Psalmist here said "we wait in hope." 

Sometimes I've been guilty of, well whatever the opposite of that is.  If I trust God, as I say I do, I will wait in hope. I will not figure things out FOR God. I will not wallow in "poor me pity." I will not do the thousand things I think will speed this process up. So what will I do? Let's read together shall we? 

In Him my heart will rejoice... for I trust Him. Oh God may your unfailing love rest upon me as I put my HOPE... in You.

Father,
The simplest of prayers for one of the hardest things to do. Help us to trust you. We believe, help our unbelief.
Amen

Gina

Waiting - Advent - Day 10/11 - Week 2

So here's our 2 for 1 with me admitting that I'm probably not going to manage the catch-up. :)

Psalm 27:13-14

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD ; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Waiting... waiting... waiting. The psalmist says here that he is confident that he will again see the goodness of the Lord. How can he be so confident? When everything around him seemed to be crumbling in on him how could he take heart? Generations before the Psalmist and many more generations before our times now, God's faithfulness has been on clear display. Not only can we look back over our lives and see God's provision, but we can look over an entire chronicled history of God's care of His children. God never changes.
That means that the God who brought Israel out of Egypt is still working today. The God who saved Daniel from hungry lions still saves us today. The very same God who created this earth, commands it still today. That is who we call Abba, Father. Can we doubt his provision and faithfulness to us today no matter how long we've "waited on Him"?

This whole topic just nails me right where I am today as I pray over some situations that are agonizing. Only God truly knows the outcome.  But look at his track record... and trust Him.

Father,
No matter what is weighing on our hearts tonight, please grant us peace. In a world that is truly the most upside down many of us have ever seen, help us to find rest and margin. May tomorrow bring a light of joy for all my friends reading this tonight. Bring us peace. Bring us peace.
Amen

-Gina

Waiting - Advent Day 8 - Week 2

We made it a full week! Woot.  :)

Waiting is one of my least favorite topics. So I am expecting big things from God this week.

1 Samuel 1:14-16
...and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine." "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD . Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

Have you been there? Have you ever prayed to God out of great anguish and grief? Have you ever prayed to such a state that people thought something was physically wrong with you?
There are times in our lives when the circumstances seem to be too much for us. We can need something so badly that it physically hurts. We can be so disappointed that we ache. In those times, is it ok to pour that grief and pain out to someone? You bet! Hannah certainly did. And God answered her. Did it come right away? Nope. Did it work out exactly like she might have originally planned? Also, no. 

Did God use this women's faith to bless an entire nation? You bet! Read all about it in 1 and 2 Samuel!!!

One of the biggest unintentional slaps in the face you can give to a waiting person is to say the following, or something like it, "you just have to content yourself in _______ and God will provide (insert whatever you are waiting on." Or my personal favorite, "just stop looking and there he/she will be."

Newsflash my friends. God is not a magical genie up in Heaven. He is not waiting on you to get some life or prayer formula just right before He provides your need.  If there was a formula, I promise you that single-Gina would have FOUND THAT BAD BOY.  :)

So I don't have a secret for you. I do have trust that He who has promised to you... is faithful.  As we discussed yesterday, sometimes you need to go back to your Red Sea and remind yourself of His faithfulness.  Don't have yours yet? I have some that I would be happy to share.  Ask me how I met my Al. Ask me how I lost two children... and gained two sons. 

He is faithful! You can take that to the bank.

Father,
For my waiting friends, tonight I pray for a sense of encouragement to surround them. For my rejoicing friends, I pray that they are surrounded with those who long to rejoice with them (tell me... I promise joy). For my grieving friends, I pray the peace that passes any understanding.  And for my hurting friends, I pray health and healing.
Amen.

So much love for you tonight,
-Gina

One Word - 2019

As I start this blog, the first in a long while, it’s barely Christmas Eve – 2018. I love Christmas usually. It’s been a top holiday for my entire life. But this year, is a real struggle.

I’m adding a nice disclosure at the top here, because dudes… you may not want to delve in to this.

And ladies – if you have any infertility triggers this may not be the blog for you.

Ready – here we go…

This year caps off a 6 year fertility journey. I say that because it truly was a story with twists and turns with some highs… and some crushing lows.

I say ‘was’ because that journey came to its official end on 12/13/18. I went in for an exploratory surgery to remove a cyst on an ovary and left completely barren.

I knew that a hysterectomy was a distinct possibility. I knew from all of the scans and studies of all things chick related, that it was quite possibly a big old mess down there.  I mean, two little lives had started a journey there and checked out well ahead of their expected stay. The ultrasound and CT scans from the ER both showed unmistakable issues.

The doctor prepped Al and me before anesthesia to make double sure that I was ready.  I laughingly told him that my uterus wasn’t doing the job I’d hired it on for, so it might as well go.

It’s easier to be all giggles about that in an abstract sense for sure. It was the right decision for me. Out of my 28 day cycle – regular as clockwork – I had 3 days of horrific pain cause by the cyst every other month or so. Then every single month for the past 3 years I had close to a week of debilitating pain as the fibroids that took over my uterus tortured me into submission.

Womanhood is not for the faint of heart.

This season always struck me as so full of hope. In each of our years since marriage I was sure that we were closing in on our miracle. My “word of the year” often reflected that – hope – joy – journey – renewal.

This year that specific hope, the hope for biological children, is gone.

On the bright-side, I don’t have people telling me they are sure I’ll get pregnant as soon as we adopt.

Gone will be the hopeful – all in God’s timing pep talks.

I never have to smile through a “well at least you’re having fun trying…” K (just don’t… y’all).

Barren  

I’m half tempted to make that my 2019 word.

It seems so final. It’s tinged with a grief I could not have fully expected.

And entering into a holiday that begins with a miraculous birth, the finality of the ending to this journey seems bitter… barren.

LATER

I waited a week to start this back up again. It wasn’t intentional. I think I just needed to sit with these ‘feels’ a bit.  I got nice and sick over that time. A cold took me fully down to my bed for hours out of every day. I’ve spent a lot of time praying. I’ve spent a lot of time crying. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking.

------Lest you think me super devoted, I’ve also binged an entire series of baking shows on Netflix-----

Every year for the last probably 15 (I need to check my journal to be sure), I have chosen to pick a word for the upcoming year. Resolutions are generally pointless.

In the past, I have found focus in a word, just one word usually, that gave me something to push into.

When I started this, I jokingly said that maybe “barren” should be my word. Ok, maybe not entirely joking. It’s that dark and sarcastic humor that has become a pretty steady coping mechanism.

But barren is definitely not my word.

So what is?

Harvest

As I am awake again tonight going over so much in my heart, Psalm 126 keeps rolling around.

I was going to just pick a piece of it here – but it all applies.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.”

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

Harvest

2016 – 2017 – 2018 I sowed with tears. I lost things that almost no one knows about. I grieved hard. But I sowed. No to be all “own horn tooter…” I got the privilege to share about my faith multiple times. I got the joy of leading a whole group of people in a verse by verse study of Revelation – start to finish – every line. I got to continue to help lead worship at church.

I chose to sow. I wanted to give up. I wanted to give up a whole bunch of times. I had to lay low a few of those times because of how dark some of them got.

My actual conversations on the way into surgery were about God's calling on us into foster care. The last thing I remember, was telling the nurse about the faithfulness of God in that journey.

I chose to sow.

2019 – It’s harvest time.  I feel it within the depths of myself. I don’t believe that a calendar flipping over defines a fresh start.  What I do believe, is that it is a good place to plant a memory stone (see Joshua 4).

I’ll keep sowing too, because some of these things still need planting (hello long lost book writing) and tending to (hello old daily devotional).

Harvest – 2019 – It’s that year!

-Gina

I'm Outta Control

Well we all know that I have spent the last few months trying to find a job right?
You want to know what kind of situations drive a control freak absolutely insane?

If you guessed "not being in control," you are absolutely correct.
Last night I mentioned to the husband that I felt like "waiting" was my lifelong topic.

I really think the main reason for that is because God knows the lesson that I will most likely always have some element of struggle with.

Waiting.

I spent a bit of time tonight wondering why that might be.
Why does the mountain I keep circling in my wilderness experiences always seem to have "Waiting" etched in stone on it?

I believe it is because waiting on others to do something causes me to realize my lack of control in the situation.

That's not just one situation in my life friends. That includes multiple situations.

Will they hire me? Not in my control.
Will I ever get married? Not in my control. I did FYI... but this was on my waiting list for many years!
Will I ever be a mother? Not entirely in my control.
Will I ever be fully healed? Not in my control.
Will I ever _____ (insert new waiting situation here)? Not. In. My. Control.

It's enough to make the control freak in me insane.
But I think I may be (I will not say this next sentence definitively... I know better) getting the hang of this lesson.

Proverbs 16:9
A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.

I don't determine what happens next in these situations. But I am intimately involved with the One who does. 

Most importantly though, I can trust Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths

And you can trust Him too.

Trusting and Waiting
-Gina

The Secret to Contentment

I'm 36.
I think I may just be starting to figure some things out that have eluded me my entire lifetime.
It's actually a little scary to "say" that out loud because it feels like I'm inviting a testing.
It's not that I have this deal totally licked. I'm not an expert (just like I'm not an expert in waiting).
I was thinking about this tonight because I realize that I am finally starting to be content with my life.
Things are not perfect. Are they ever really?
Things are overall good but there are many, many things that I want/need to change.
There are a couple of huge things on my heart that I have zero actual control over.
If you know me at all, lack of control is usually my gateway to discontent!
Still, I am learning to be content.

The verses I keep going to in my head are in Philippians 4:11-13

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

The picture I posted at the beginning of this post is a significant moment for me spiritually. It was taken at a location that is also significant. Actually I need to write about that moment, place, and time. But this picture in time was at the ending of a really deep depression. I had been sinking for months and months before my sweet friend Angela cared enough to say  "if you ever need to talk, I'm here." God used those words and my Godly friend Angela to begin to bring me out.

This picture was taken in November of that year. At that moment I was the heaviest I had ever been. The depression was finally starting to lift. I was beginning to see light.

I asked my brother to drive me out to this lake (a place where a prayer, in faith, had been miraculously answered when I was 16). I needed to go back to a place where I had seen God move powerfully.

Thankfully, that day He chose to move powerfully again.

So thankful that my brother took the pictures that I have to mark that time.

Tonight I am sharing with you my reminder for myself. It really is a lesson for me, but I pray that it's for one of you too.

The secret to contentment does not lie with me. It's not my attitude really. It's my choice to trust that God's sovereign plan is always at work.

In plenty or abundance; in hunger or need that plan remains.

He is working.

Even when I think I am in control, I am not. There is great freedom in that realization.

There is a release in contentment.

There is a freedom.

It is glorious.

- Gina

Waiting - Again

I distinctly remember my sweet friend Becky counseling me during one of my "singleness stinks" pity parties. She told me that we are always waiting on something. When you move from one phase in life to another you just shift your "wait" to something different.
I remember thinking at that time "but if I just had a boyfriend...." I didn't really get it!
Becky was, as she is so often, dead-right.
Each phase in life sees us looking to a different phase.

I wrote about that in my journal the other night.
Waiting - Guess we're never really done with it.

Luckily the waiting game has occupied much of my devotional life over the last ten years or so.
I'd often laugh about it - like I was some kind of expert.
I'm SO not an expert.

I'm just a really, really impatient person who has learned some valuable lessons in her lifetime.
Since I needed a reminder tonight I thought I would share some of them condensed. I wrote a daily devotional for 7 years... so I have a few to chose from.  :O)

1 - 1 Samuel - Hannah faithfully waited on God. God answered.

I almost always think of Hannah when I think of waiting because of her faithfulness during some painful waiting times (1 Samuel 1:7-8, 10). Hannah waited on God for YEARS to see the fulfillment of God's promise to her.  She wept and prayed. God answered.

2 - Psalm 27:13-14 - You can trust Him

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD ; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

3 -Psalm 33:20-22- Hope is worth it.

Pray as you may, some things won't work out as you hoped. But hope anyways.

4 -Psalm 38:15 - Not waiting on God always ends badly

I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.

More often than I'd like God's answer to my questioning has been wait. Everyone can think of a story in the bible where someone pushed ahead of God. None of them went well. Know that God hears you and always answers. It may not be what I want to hear, but it will be an answer.

5 -2 Peter 3:9 - God is not slow in keeping his promises.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

This is key for me to keep in mind when I am praying for something specifically. My timing and God's couldn't be any more different. I want it yesterday. Remember, while we look at where we are now, God is looking at everything at once. He isn't slow or withholding anything from us. He is working it all out.

Trust him. He's had more experience at this then we have. : )

Ok. I'm thouroughly convicted for the evening.

Night friends.

Waiting in hope,

-Gina

When Life Happens

One words sums up the last few days quite nicely - difficult!

I won't go into the specifics of why for various reasons. Let's just say that sometimes even after all the waiting I've done in my life, I still don't "wait well" when it comes to hard days. Hope is good... but long term hope can just be a painful thing some days/weeks. Even other folk's happy news can end up as a painful stab in those times. And when said week includes a ridiculous wave of other people's "happy" sometimes it gets tough to work up a good response.

So I have cried and prayed. I have ranted a bit with some of my gal-pals. I so, so love that my friends get me as well as they do. I love that we can laugh the grumpy away without even saying much - and with each other completing sentences for the other one!  :O)

In the 'difficult' I learned another important thing. It involved me taking a fall and then picking myself up and starting again.

I'm an emotion-eater. That's not news. I dropped that bombshell in the beginning right?
What I learned this week is that one seemingly simple thing can start a chain reaction that ends with me overloading on carbs and sugar.  And when you compound the simple things together they can easily become one ugly dark cloud... the end of which seems obviously to be (oh random example) food from Taco Bueno and a Reese's Blast from Sonic.

Lesson:
About halfway through said carb/sugar binge I felt ill and actually could not continue.
It wasn't just the food that was making me sick. It was the realization of what was happening = choosing food over dealing with the "difficult."
After weeks on a great diet, that sugar/carb binge makes you sick.  THEN you wake up feeling crappy too. Ok so this may be obvious - but it's here in black and white to remind ME!!!!

Victory:
In days gone by a bad day always, always equaled a bad week. The week was blown in my old brain so I could just continue to slough off until Monday.
This morning - I got right back on. (Pats self on back)

Things are going to happen. Things are not going to go the way I want them too all the time. I am re-programming Y-E-A-R-S of one response always being my go-to. It will not be easy. But half the battle is identifying the problem.
Done.

Next.  :O)