One Word - 2011 - Change

Well God definitely called my word for the year accurately.

This year there has been much change.

Disability for 3 months

Pain for 12 months

The inability to do many of the things I took for granted in 2010 and before.

Getting engaged

I’m trying to learn to roll with it and embrace change.

Sometimes I have been ready and excited.

Sometimes I have been flat out petrified.

But we have made it!

2012 is right around the corner and I know it holds more change.

But I want more from it. I want joyful change.

And this year one thing I have learned is that there are a lot of things that you cannot control.

But you can always take on your attitude. Notice I didn’t say chose it… on purpose! Because while it is true that you can chose your attitude, it would be dishonest (of me at least) to say that always happens.

Gotta be real here with my people.  :O)

So…

Change

Live it, Love it, Learn how to embrace it.  :O)

Bring on 2012.

Tender Places

Many nights in this past year I would describe my heart and soul as raw.
Spiritually it's been a blank period for me.
I've barely journaled.
I've only been able to attend church regularly online.
It's a dry period.
And the place I find myself in right now I think is best described by one word:

 Tender

I know why some of these places are tender. But not what to do with them.
When you have a broken arm (or screwed up back) you can easily tell people - Ouch - don't touch.
When your heart is tender it's not that easy to protect.
I find myself in a place I do not like.
I'm touchy about things that are in these tender spots.
Yet I cannot share with the world what they are in words.
Dreams not realized
Hopes just out of reach.
Painful absences... that do not make my heart fonder towards anything.
I resist the urge to cry out when that tender place is touched.
Those who are doing the wounding have no idea what their words have done.
They have no reason to. They cannot see the broken places.
Tonight I find myself reaching up and asking for God to begin to bind even the places I am unaware of right now.
Even if physical healing never comes, I realize the spiritual healing needed may be that much more desperaate.
But I believe that both healings are possible and are future.

Change - It was my word at the beginning of 2011. It is my word here at the close.
Please God, let none of these days be wasted.
Let the tender places be healed.

Wow. It's November People

I know you were waiting on me to tell you!  :O)
So much has not changed since my last check in.
I've been to yet another neurosurgeon who has given me the same kinda depressing news.
So stay tuned for some news on that front.
Since my word for the year was Change, I think the possible upcoming huge change would be appropriate.
Hope y'all are well.
I promise someday soon to return to my bloggy schedule I had started to stick to.
Pathetic.  :O)
Ohh and Blessing Baskets is here.  So don't expect that return to be before Thanksgiving!
-Gina

Honesty in change

As I start this post tonight I am still not sure that I will hit publish.
I am still not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
I written before that I believe secrecy is a tool that the enemy uses against us. When we hide who we are and what we are dealing with we give it power over us.
And I have been giving something in my life power over me for far too long.
At the end of the year when I wrote this post, I already knew that I was headed towards a decision on posting this or not. Honestly, I've leaned towards not.
Something within me still wanted to hang onto an image that I was ok - that I was not really broken. I was just lazy or crazy. Nothing was really wrong with me. I could just "pull it together."
So I continued to suffer in silence.
in a deep dark place
in a hopeless place
in a lonely place

It was more than a funky mood. As weeks went on early in 2010 I knew that I was in trouble but refused to face it. Things in my life were so good. I had found the love of my life. I was doing well in school. My job was stressful (at times) but wonderful and fulfilling.

But inside I was tanking. I knew it. People close to me knew it.
If you have ever suffered from depression or loved someone who does you know this hole well.
In coming clean with a few key people recently I realized that I was not alone.

This secret was hiding me. I had slipped back down into a deep depression that was slowly taking me over.

The me I know had gone away to be replaced by someone who really only wanted to stay in a dark room.
It's not my first time in this place. But this time I was really sure that I wasn't coming out of it.

So I finally went for help. This is where I struggle most though. It's the thing that is hard for so many believers to admit. I am back on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs. I so wanted to believe when I got better that I no longer needed the medicine. Surely I was fixed now.
But I was wrong.
For some of us depression and and anxiety have a chemical component. Something is off in our bodies. We feel out of control and powerless. We KNOW that things should be different but we cannot climb out of the hole.
Just as diabetics can be helped by insulin so can some depressions be lifted by fine tuning the chemicals in our brains.
And how incredible is my God who not only gave man the wisdom to fine tune, but gave him the tools as well!?!
I am not a failure because I am on medication to help me through this.
If you are here too... you are not a failure either.
I think I needed to say that because I know what some people will say.
If you want a debate on this... my blog is NOT the place for it. God and I have gone rounds on this one and I believe that yes I need counseling to learn how to cope with some things. But I clearly needed more help.
He is good.
He is trustworthy.
He is not a God of condemnation.
He is not willing to leave me alone in this pit.

If you are relating; If you are in this same place; maybe this confessional is for you. Maybe my tears can save you some.
I am broken. But I am healing.
I was a hopeless person who has glimpsed a light of hope.

My 2011 word is Change. When I picked that word it scared me so much because I knew where we were headed.

And now:
I. Am. Ready

-Changing
Gina