It is... what it is.

This seems to be my theme phrase so far this year.
Starting out January 1 I had no idea that things would be so drastically different on March 1.
But here we are. It is what it is.
Things are not bad on the grand scale of life.
They just aren't. When I look around at so many things in this world I still feel very fortunate.
I have a lot of people asking me to write again.
I just can't seem to get there.
I'm going to try to do better.
This year I definitely need physical healing. But I also need some spiritual and emotional fixing up as well.
So I am going to be thankful that the one thing I do have an abundance of at the moment is time.
Time to focus on where God is leading over the next few months.
Time to plan a WEDDING!
Time to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Time is something that I won't always have. I really want to take full advantage of it for all that's ahead.
I think I'm rambling, :O) , but hey - it is, what it is!

Signing off for now. Nothing profound here. Move along.
-Gina

Sometimes I Still Think I Can Run

It hit me today when I was in the doctor's office waiting for him to come in.
I just wanted to run down the hallway to the next appointment.
I wanted to just get up and run. I wanted to run.
Sometimes, I still think I can run.
I can actually forget that many days find me almost unable to walk.

My friend Jeniffer shared a blog this week that pegs where I am right now. I'm not all better.


I had high hopes of blogging more this year. Maybe I can get to that. I've just not had anything I wanted to say. Frankly I've been trying to process the last few months.
Today it hit me why.

When I chose my "One word" for 2012 it came much later than usual. For the first time ever that I can remember it was sparked by something someone else said (my mother). Then the very next morning it was in my quiet time.

Those of you who have kept up with me this past year know that it has been physically very trying.
I have two bad discs in my back - one that bulges out often (due to a tear in it's protective layer) and one that just hates me. :P

I was on disability for 3 months last year. This January has seen me go back on disability for the foreseeable future. No more job. No more church except online. A whole lotta isolation.

My word for 2012 - healing. I believe that this year will see me regain my health.
That can be hard to believe on days like today when the pain is so intense and steady.
But I believe it.

2012 - HEALING

When I count my blessings on 1/1/2013 they will include my new husband (seriously!!!), a year full of change & learning, and healing.
I believe it now even through the tears and pain.
God will heal me this year.
I'm. Ready.

One Word - 2011 - Change

Well God definitely called my word for the year accurately.

This year there has been much change.

Disability for 3 months

Pain for 12 months

The inability to do many of the things I took for granted in 2010 and before.

Getting engaged

I’m trying to learn to roll with it and embrace change.

Sometimes I have been ready and excited.

Sometimes I have been flat out petrified.

But we have made it!

2012 is right around the corner and I know it holds more change.

But I want more from it. I want joyful change.

And this year one thing I have learned is that there are a lot of things that you cannot control.

But you can always take on your attitude. Notice I didn’t say chose it… on purpose! Because while it is true that you can chose your attitude, it would be dishonest (of me at least) to say that always happens.

Gotta be real here with my people.  :O)

So…

Change

Live it, Love it, Learn how to embrace it.  :O)

Bring on 2012.

The Proposal!

Well first of all - totally surprised!
God's timing in this, as in all things turns out to be pretty perfect after all.
Al has had plans in the works for a while but the timing has been bad so far this year for many reasons.
Early in November Dad and he went to a Razorback football game and Al asked my dad if he could marry me. 
Mid November I started planning a surprise party for Al. He turns 40 on the 6th!
So I started enlisting conspirators who then start also working behind my back.
Al knew that my brother from North Dakota was going to be here for these weeks around Thanksgiving - perfect time to pop the question.
So the planning began.

We started off the night at Buck Nekkid BBQ (which I think is hilarious that it's part of our engagement story!) :O)
After that we went to the Fayetteville square to see the lights.
We walked all the way around the square and were standing around talking about what we were going to do.
Amelia said that she and Jeff wanted a picture on a bench that was behind us and surrounded by lights.
After Al took their picture Amelia asked us if we wanted ours.

We got our picture on the bench and as I started to get up Al stopped me.
He got down on one knee and I happily said "Yes!"

Just afterwards we went and sat down on another bench while we waited for Jeff and Amelia.
A man came up in front of us with a violin and began to play "Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel." Such a great cap to the night and completely unplanned.

We were blessed today to have Al's surprise party combined with an engagement party.
I'm sure I'll be an obnoxious engaged person... I've spent a lot of time building up to it.  :O)

So. In. Love.
So. Thankful!

Tender Places

Many nights in this past year I would describe my heart and soul as raw.
Spiritually it's been a blank period for me.
I've barely journaled.
I've only been able to attend church regularly online.
It's a dry period.
And the place I find myself in right now I think is best described by one word:

 Tender

I know why some of these places are tender. But not what to do with them.
When you have a broken arm (or screwed up back) you can easily tell people - Ouch - don't touch.
When your heart is tender it's not that easy to protect.
I find myself in a place I do not like.
I'm touchy about things that are in these tender spots.
Yet I cannot share with the world what they are in words.
Dreams not realized
Hopes just out of reach.
Painful absences... that do not make my heart fonder towards anything.
I resist the urge to cry out when that tender place is touched.
Those who are doing the wounding have no idea what their words have done.
They have no reason to. They cannot see the broken places.
Tonight I find myself reaching up and asking for God to begin to bind even the places I am unaware of right now.
Even if physical healing never comes, I realize the spiritual healing needed may be that much more desperaate.
But I believe that both healings are possible and are future.

Change - It was my word at the beginning of 2011. It is my word here at the close.
Please God, let none of these days be wasted.
Let the tender places be healed.

Wow. It's November People

I know you were waiting on me to tell you!  :O)
So much has not changed since my last check in.
I've been to yet another neurosurgeon who has given me the same kinda depressing news.
So stay tuned for some news on that front.
Since my word for the year was Change, I think the possible upcoming huge change would be appropriate.
Hope y'all are well.
I promise someday soon to return to my bloggy schedule I had started to stick to.
Pathetic.  :O)
Ohh and Blessing Baskets is here.  So don't expect that return to be before Thanksgiving!
-Gina

For My Uncle J. B.

I just finished watching a 10 part WWII documentary on Netflix.  Incredible.
About halfway through the series they covered Saipan.
Saipan is a teeny, tiny little Island in the Pacific that most people my age have probably never heard about.
Why did I know the name?
Because of my Great Uncle J. B.

On this teeny, tiny Island a very big battle was waged in June of 1944.  My uncle was there.
We have no details on how he died.
Watching this documentary is startling. I hesitate to mention it to my mother because of the shocking nature of what is spoken of and seen. I scan the videos for a recognizable face.
The whole picture painted reminds me how incredible these young men were to charge off of landing boats and onto shore; to run up hills into certain danger; to risk their lives to secure a future for the world as they knew it.
I'm in a bit of awe tonight.
And I'm remembering my Uncle.
In 2009 I found a website that showed where soldiers who had died in the Pacific had been buried. It's a place known as the Punch Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii.
From a link on that site, I sent in a request and a lady I do not know went to my Uncle's grave, placed a flower, and took a picture.
That gesture means so much more to me tonight as I understand that sacrifice a little better.
So thankful for a heritage of service and for men like my Uncle J.B. that have served and still serve our country today.
G

Help Me Outta My Hand-Me-Downs

So one of the fun blogs writers I follow - Kenlie is doing a give away that is helping me to seriously covet.
Cephalon is giving away a cookware set.
Gina. Wants.  :O)
We all know that I don't own a single piece of cookware that I have actually purchased myself. Everything I have came from someone else's kitchen.
Jump on over and check in out.  But don't even think about winning, cause this one is mine people.
http://www.alltheweigh.com/2011/09/calphalon/

I'm Still Alive

Yes, It is August. It's very close to September.
And I've been very silent this year.
As with most silences that was not for nothing. :O)
Back near the beginning of the year my chronic back pain moved from nuisance to debilitating.
By March I was barely active.
By April I was barely walking.
It's been a long road that I am not quite at the end of yet.
But I have felt the need to crawl back onto the net and at least say.
I. Am. Here.
Which my random brain feels the need to share, reminds me much of this scene from Horton Hears a Who.
So, ok, hopefully my last cartoon reference on this post.
Where were we? Oh yes. I. Am. Here.
I still have some specialists visits. I'm finally back at work but it's been very difficult.
Sitting is pain. Standing for long is pain.
Blah, blah
Now you are officially caught up on the last few months.
So what's new?
1.  Graduation - As of 8/4 I am the holder of a Master of Divinity with a Church Ministries emphasis from Liberty University.

2.  3 Years have passed - As of 8/23 I've been dating Al for 3 years (crazy no?)

3.  I've watched approximately 9,000 hours of Netflix programming. That is either a slight exaggeration or an under-count. I'm leaning towards the latter. They have a lot of stuff on there people!

4.  My parents have gone well above and beyond in taking care of me. There are no words to really cover that. Thank you's have been said. But I'll always be overwhelmed by their care.

5.  I can't think of a #5 but I had to have one.

There you go. All is explained. Hopefully I'll be back soon with something riveting and soul stirring. Or maybe just stupid and funny.
In the meantime, I. Am. Here.  :O)

The Day I Almost Ran

Well it's  been over a month since I got down in the dust to fight this depression full on with no  place to hide.
It's been a month of change.
I've seen good days and bad days.
But for the first time in probably a year I can finally say that my good days are starting to outnumber my bad days.
It's a milestone that I am not sure you can fully appreciate until you've been at the place where the days stretch on hopelessly before you.
So many of you responded to me that you've been there or you are there.
I wish I could give you a good picture of it. Really the night I hit publish on that blog the reponses were immediate. I literally sat in front of the laptop for hours reading and crying.
Many people understood.
Many people had come out the other side.
It is such a big thing to take part of the stigma of shame out of the equation. It is such a huge thing to have the people I love most in the world affirm that they are here for the duration; that I am not un-mendably broken; that one day or another I will be ok.

I think one of my biggest markers of change occurred this past Sunday morning on praise team. Unfortunately my body responds to adrenaline by shaking. The more adrenaline the more uncontrollable the shaking. It's mortifying to me because it looks like I am nervous... but really I'm not!
So one of my reactions to this in the past has been a massive anxiety attack/panic attack.
Sunday morning at the very start of our first song the panic started to creep in.
Now part of the medicine the doctor put me on 6 weeks ago was an anxiety component.
Despite that I knew a full blown attack was coming on. And what was I suppossed to do? I was on stage, with a mic, in front of thousands of people??

Fight
or
Flight

Somewhere inside of me this time a calmness started to spread. If I had run off the stage I probably would never have been able to face that moment of fear and panic again (this I know from my prior history). In a split second and while still singing I had to make the decision to run or stay.
It hit me there that no matter what I was about to press through.
Even if I passed out I was staying put.
The anxiety did not entirely pass... but it also did not overtake me.
There are NO words for how huge that is.
I am still fighting friends.
Stay in there with me.
If you are still battling I would still love to talk to you.
The struggle will be worth it someday. This is something I know without any doubt.
-Changing
-Gina

Honesty in change

As I start this post tonight I am still not sure that I will hit publish.
I am still not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
I written before that I believe secrecy is a tool that the enemy uses against us. When we hide who we are and what we are dealing with we give it power over us.
And I have been giving something in my life power over me for far too long.
At the end of the year when I wrote this post, I already knew that I was headed towards a decision on posting this or not. Honestly, I've leaned towards not.
Something within me still wanted to hang onto an image that I was ok - that I was not really broken. I was just lazy or crazy. Nothing was really wrong with me. I could just "pull it together."
So I continued to suffer in silence.
in a deep dark place
in a hopeless place
in a lonely place

It was more than a funky mood. As weeks went on early in 2010 I knew that I was in trouble but refused to face it. Things in my life were so good. I had found the love of my life. I was doing well in school. My job was stressful (at times) but wonderful and fulfilling.

But inside I was tanking. I knew it. People close to me knew it.
If you have ever suffered from depression or loved someone who does you know this hole well.
In coming clean with a few key people recently I realized that I was not alone.

This secret was hiding me. I had slipped back down into a deep depression that was slowly taking me over.

The me I know had gone away to be replaced by someone who really only wanted to stay in a dark room.
It's not my first time in this place. But this time I was really sure that I wasn't coming out of it.

So I finally went for help. This is where I struggle most though. It's the thing that is hard for so many believers to admit. I am back on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs. I so wanted to believe when I got better that I no longer needed the medicine. Surely I was fixed now.
But I was wrong.
For some of us depression and and anxiety have a chemical component. Something is off in our bodies. We feel out of control and powerless. We KNOW that things should be different but we cannot climb out of the hole.
Just as diabetics can be helped by insulin so can some depressions be lifted by fine tuning the chemicals in our brains.
And how incredible is my God who not only gave man the wisdom to fine tune, but gave him the tools as well!?!
I am not a failure because I am on medication to help me through this.
If you are here too... you are not a failure either.
I think I needed to say that because I know what some people will say.
If you want a debate on this... my blog is NOT the place for it. God and I have gone rounds on this one and I believe that yes I need counseling to learn how to cope with some things. But I clearly needed more help.
He is good.
He is trustworthy.
He is not a God of condemnation.
He is not willing to leave me alone in this pit.

If you are relating; If you are in this same place; maybe this confessional is for you. Maybe my tears can save you some.
I am broken. But I am healing.
I was a hopeless person who has glimpsed a light of hope.

My 2011 word is Change. When I picked that word it scared me so much because I knew where we were headed.

And now:
I. Am. Ready

-Changing
Gina

Change

So that's my word for 2011. And it still scares me.
But I know that things have to be different.
Yes I am still being vague.
Yes that is intentional.
This week has seen some subtle movements in my life that I pray are the indicators that something is about to give.
I believe that God is still working.
Why? If you go back and read the post right before I posted about my chosen word for the year... you'll notice my closing hope. I posted this while I was still struggling to pick my word!!

"I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change."

 

It was meant to be. :O)

For now. I need some time away to think, sing and pray.

God is good to me, much better than I could even ask.

I've been going back in my mind to a pivotal place in my life. A physical place where God showed me something amazing. The Beth Moore study I am doing mentioned last night that sometimes if you think you've strayed from God's place you need to go back to the place you last met Him powerfully. I think, I shall.

 

I await His movement and change.

-Ginabob

A Prelude: My Prayer

Where I am tonight.

Praying for Change

My One Word

For years I have always named my year. One year was "Joy." One year was "Faithfulness."
My year is always something that I need to work on that year or something that I hope for.
Some years are a promise from God to me of where we are going that year.
One of my blogging peeps does the same type thing. This year she is challenging people in this area via her blog. FYI... if you don't read this blog make it a MUST visit!


This year I have had trouble finding my word.
Due, in great part, to my struggles of the last few months (that blog is still to come I promise!) I have not chosen a word yet.
I have prayed, read and thought. Nothing seemed obvious. Nothing seemed right.
I have been a bit discouraged by this fact.
Today as I was reading over some of the other "One Word" people... it hit me.

Change

It's a scary word for me. I am resisting it honestly. I think I'm blogging it so I can't back out.

Change

More to come on this... I am sure. I'm still trying to talk myself out of having heard this!

Change, Changing, Changed
-Gina

It Ain't Over...Till It's Over

So after 6 weeks or so hiatus (unintentional), I’m writing two posts today.

One to publish and one to hang on to for a bit

It’s not that I want to be dishonest with anyone.

But sometimes telling things before their time could cause problems.

I don’t think that I will hold onto it long before hitting send.

I believe that people learn more from the end of our stories if they know the middle.

So hopefully after the first of the year I’ll be coming back and hitting send after I’ve had a few conversations.

In the meantime…

I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change. :o)

I hope and pray that you all can say the same.

Hang in my friends.

2010 may not have been all we hoped. But it ain’t over until it’s over!

AND 2011 is a big package waiting to be unwrapped.

-Gina

Taking a Step Back

One thing seems clear in this little internal fight I'm in.
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.

One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.

Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.

But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.

So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.

There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.

I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.

-Gina

Silence

So little bit of an unintentional blog break there...

I wanted to check back in here to  let you all know that I am still alive!
Doctor # 2... 3 possibly has now said that some of these issues that I am struggling with physically are stress induced.
STRESS

Yeah - I get that.

So I am re-evaluating some things.

One recurring theme here is sleep, actually the lack of sleep.

So the first step is to work on making sleepy time Gina's rituals a little better.

Any other insomniacs out there wanna chime in with what works for them?

-Working on the obvious
Gina

It's a Lie.

I'm thinking of recording some videos for myself.
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina

Whatever

So much I want to say but I just can't get there right now.
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.

But I just did tell you.

Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.

One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.

So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)

But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.

So come what may I intend to keep this up.

I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days.  And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.

Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.

-Gina

It's not a big step, but it is a step...

Well a few thousand of them to be exact.
For Baby Step # 1 I chose to amp up my walking again. I really like walking for exercise. It relaxes me. And I remember back when I was hitting 20,000 steps a day (yep... 20,000) I loved it.
And I remember thinking how much better I felt walking instead of sitting like the blob.
sooo - off we go.
And off I go.
God and I need some quality time tonight I can tell by my attitude.
-Gina

Baby Stepping (aka... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie)

Those of you who know the movie "What About Bob?" may recognize that little title.
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.

So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!

"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)

So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.

So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change... and then add in other changes.
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.

I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.

Hope y'all are all well.

As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina

We're Not Done Yet

I'm tempted tonight to write another one of my "things normal people don't tell you" stories. And I think I will take a chance on that in a few days.  We could all use some chuckles right?

Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)

While we wait for suggestions...

Let's talk honesty.

Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.

Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.

But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.
 
So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)

Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.

Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.

If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........

But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay.  :O)

The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.

So

I am not quitting.

We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.

Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.

Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter

It is What it Is

I keep trying again to think of something to write. I like to be helpful. Maybe uplifting.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.

Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."

It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!

But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.

Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.

I know... your life is also far from perfect

You went straight out of college into your dream job and have never doubted your calling

Again - far from perfect

I heard someone say the other day that they were waiting on God for something and they had to wait like 6 WHOLE MONTHS for the answer. I seriously, wanted to slap them (don't spread that around m'kay)

Some of us are serial wait-ers. You married your sweetie, only to see that life crumble. You married the love of your life, but children didn't follow. You never quite landed that dream job... or any job for that matter. You've lived your life single, with no prospects of that changing. You've watched as 30, 40, 50 years have passed and realized your dream life was no longer a possibility.

Wait

Waiting

But what do we wait for? For some reason lately when I think of waiting I think of the verse in the NT about grief. 1 Thessalonians 4:13

The verse is talking about death but really it's talking about hope.

We do not grieve like those who have no hope.

I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.

What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting

I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.

I just don't believe in hopeless.

Give me the Courage to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

So a couple of years ago as I was going through a rough patch I really latched onto the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Something about this prayer resonates with the uncontrollable nature of life. At the time in my life that I really dug into this the part that hit me was the part about accepting what I could not change. It felt like a lot at the time. I couldn't change the past - decisions that I had made and things that had happened. I couldn't change some of the circumstances at the time. I couldn't change other people.

I had to learn to accept things where they were. That was step one in this long process... and that was almost 5 YEARS ago.  5 YEARS... Wow.

Step two - Wisdom to recognize what I can change and the courage to CHANGE.

Today I went to find this poem, to write this blog, and I find there is more to it.

The more feels so much like a nugget that was just hiding for me today.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life

It is not where I want it. There is still much more change ahead. There are tough steps still ahead. 

There is change.

Change can be scary.

But today:

I will embrace change, no matter how scary it is.

I will fully love the life that God has given me and live it to the fullest.

I will not hide behind fat or fear.

I will face tomorrow and forget yesterday.

I will accept what can't be changed and work to change what must.

I will be where I am, because where I am is where God has me for this moment.

-How are my peeps?

-G

It's Been a Week

Well it's been a little bit. I'm still trying to pop in here once a week or so. So far, so good.
August is here... it's hot.
That's all I have to say about that!


This past week was a tough one.

Early on in the week we got a phone call that one of our sweet volunteers had been in a terrible car accident. We were given no details, just told she was in critical condition and to pray.
News the next day was not good.

Life Support
Brain dead
No hope

My heart broke. By the week's end two people that I respected greatly had left us to go be with our heavenly Father. One I knew rather well after four years of working with her in different roles. One I knew only in passing. He was a spiritual hero of mine. An incredible man who lived literally until the last day to share Christ and make disciples.  She was a hero of mine too - someone who served tirelessly behind the scenes... never asking for credit or reward.

My heart broke last week... repeatedly.
Tough week.
While I rejoice for their struggles to be over on this earth I mourn for their families and friends. Life lived without these two is a little less bright. Heaven and the prospect of heaven got a little sweeter.

You get thoughtful when weeks like last week come.
You spend a lot of  time thinking about life and death - about the legacy that your life is building.
You grieve. You examine. You weep.

It's the ups and downs all wrapped together that make our lives what they are. It is the good and the bad that shape us. It is how we react, how we walk this life, that tells a lot about who we are.

Tonight I'm thinking about what this next week holds: two funerals - one wedding.
Life... it goes on.

I am determined to not waste a second of it.
I am determined to build the legacy that Christ desires.
I am determined to follow the lessons of making disciples and serving others that I have seen modeled so well.

No regrets. No words left unsaid. Live life well. Live life fully.

-G

The Cupcakes that I Wish Weren't There

I do pretty good when people are around.
I was about to say "I don't know why that is" but I know EXACTLY why that is.
I always feel like people are judging my choices.
So when we're in the big room with everyone celebrating I can absolutely turn that yummy, frosting-heavy, cupcake away.
If, however, it sits in the fridge or on the counter afterward, it becomes a bit more difficult.
People sometimes joke about food talking to them.
Somehow it's true... there is an awareness that whatever it is: in this case - yummy, frosting-heavy cupcakes, still reside in their happy box in the fridge... not 50 feet away.

And my brain - especially on days like this - when stress pounds and my heart is hurt (will write about that later) - my brain wants to just down a freakin cupcake!

But today I'm not going to.

Today I am going to resist and pray that tomorrow and the day after I can as well.

When the cupcakes leave they are always replaced by something else. That is what it means to be obsessed with food. That is what it means to mentally, physically know that the food will, even just for a moment silence what hurts you. It's what it means to have an actual problem with food itself.

Yep. Today I'm facing my problem head on... but I'm not gonna lie to you... today that fight kinda sucks.

Hoping my peeps are all well.

Keep going!
-G

Thankful!

It's been a while since I've written on my "weighty" topics.  So I wanted to get some updates in.

I was reminded today by a sweet, sweet friend who is walking this weight loss road with me that even GOOD events can be stress in your life.

And these past few weeks have had some good stress.  :O)

Since I am typically a very emotional eater I have noticed one pretty drastic change in this last week.

I am fully here and feeling my emotions as they come and NOT eating through them.
And - I have survived that.

I am back on track this time - and I'm just believing that it's for good.
No stopping the momentum this time - no ma'am!

So here's my update on where I've asked to be held accountable.

Exercise - taking a little break while I adjust to some food changes
Food - Woot - On track
Food Tracking - Woot - On track!
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm - Oh dang... um not so much.  Adjust.  :O)
Water - Woot - On track!

I am pretty much just in the groove again and doing great.
I'm at 17 lbs total lost since I started "The Fight" on my blog.
Yee-stinking-haw!

How are my peeps?

Have a great weekend!

-Gina

Eventful!

What a crazy few days it's been.
Let's start with the SO fun, fun news!

I got to be present at a friend's engagement. Her guy totally surprised all of us. A few of us had it figured out a little early... but at this point in the night we had no idea.

We did dinner together and then headed out for some letter boxing (which I had never heard of before).
Our future bride-to-be navigated for us.
We walked around this beautiful place (I have few pictures but pictures do exist!) and laughed and talked.
Then we finally hit the spot for the treasure.
David (groom to be) had Andrea navigating still and had prepared this fun poem and riddle. Then at the end of it it said to turn around to the one who is kneeling behind you.
Happy Couple:

SO stinking sweet.
What a great night!

Meanwhile we are all about to die from heat exhaustion (I kid... I kid...) so we followed up the sweet proposal with some sweets from Cold Stone.
All in all a super night.

So this morning I come into work to find out that my friend Tiffany has gone into labor.
Tiff and her husband David (could she look any more beautiful going into labor? - seriously disgusting!)

Little Molly Cate will be here any minute now and I cannot wait to kiss her little cheeks!

Could the week get any more exciting?!?!  I challenge it too... because what FUN.  :O)

Random

Because I can't quite seem to break this batch of writer's block, I figured I would just tell you some random things that I am thinking of tonight.

1. Fanta always makes me think of Ukraine because when you went to any restaurant instead of asking what you wanted to drink they would say "colafantasprite?"

2. Speaking of Ukraine, I was almost hit by a car there with my good friend Donna. It seriously crashed just FEET in front of us and right into a building.

3. I have broken the pinky toes on both of my feet. The left one I broke by kicking a table leg when I was in high school. The right one I broke by kicking the bottom of a weight set a few years back. It hurts - a lot. I was not angry either time. The last time I broke it the morning of a Razorback Game and I still walked all the way to Razorback Stadium and back on it. It hurt - a lot. :O)

4. I love being in plays and musicals. I just don't do it anymore because I don't have the time. But I still dream that I am in a play and haven't been prepared for it - don't know the lines and songs.

5. I was once walking beside my brother in a parking lot and I just tripped over my own feet and went down like a sack of potatoes. I am pretty sure he thought I had dropped dead. I fall - a lot.  :O)

6. I like playing the piano and singing in an almost perfectly dark church with just a piano light. It is soothing and worshipful and some of my best "me and God" moments were there.

7. My absolute favorite worship moment was at the Broadmoor hotel in Colorado Springs. I was by myself in this out of the way lobby playing on a grand. I started playing the Midnight Cry - "I hear the sound, of a mighty rushing wind." and a storm came over the mountain with wind that shook the windows of the hotel. It continued to howl the whole time I sang.

8. I write songs - music and lyrics but I stopped a few years ago. It is a silence in my heart that I continue to hope breaks soon.

9. My brother Jeff always called my future husband "Biff the Biblical Stud."  We had a name for his future wife, but I don't remember it, because he and Amelia got married before we had time to really use it much.

10. I hate mice. I once stepped on a mouse in the dark in my bare feet. It was NOT a good experience.

11. My hands shake for no reason that anyone can find. Which sometimes makes it difficult to hold a mic when I sing. Adrenaline makes it worse... which makes me look nervous a lot of times when I am not. I dislike this about myself very much.

12. Has anyone really read the other 11? Really? Ok. My house, car, and desk are a disaster area. Try as I might I have not found the secret to killing the clutter in my life.

13. I once was involved in a fight over a monopoly game that turned ugly enough we had to leave the house. All four of us still cannot agree. Well two of us agree. It's two against two actually.

14. I like cartoons more than any woman my age should.

15. I need to end this list on a multiple of 5. I don't know why. I just do.

-G'night!

Shh..

I have tried twice to write what's on my heart tonight and I just can't.
Maybe tomorrow?
Just wanted to check in and say that I'm still kicking.
I'm seriously just not giving up this time, no matter how much change truly scares me.
Prayers? Yeah... that'd be good about now.
-G

I Miss Me

So I've been absent for a little while.
You can always count on that as a sign that something is happening for good or bad... hmm... I guess that's usually bad because good stuff I always manage to make time for.
Let's not analyze that m'kay?

Once again I can say honestly, though there have been many stumbles, I am learning a LOT about myself.
It is this foundation that I hope I can start to build the healthy me on.

I'm 34, and still learning what makes me tick.  I hope that's normal?!  I don't care really if it is or not I guess, cause it's normal for me. :O)

Today for some reason I have been thinking about fearnessless.

Specifically I've been thinking about how fearless we start out in life.
When we are little we have to be told not to touch the hot oven, stick metal into electric sockets, or other random examples (you moms can fill in those blanks).

Those are good things to avoid, but somewhere along the way we get messages from life or wherever that let fear creep into us in other ways.

Fear that other people won't approve of us or like us.
Fear that you are just a big screw up (that's not just me right??).
Fear that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Fear of snakes (totally valid FYI).
Fear of clowns (See above re validity).
Fear of not fitting in.

Fear.

I kinda hate it.

While I have battled with it in various forms throughout life, I have realized that I have just let it have its way in other areas.

And instead of dealing with it, I've been avoiding.
I have some super methods for avoiding things and avoiding feeling things.
And I am working on chipping those away.

I miss me. Lately I just think I've been too much in avoidance mode. And when I get there the fun Gina takes a back seat again.

I like fun Gina a bunch. There is a mix between serious Gina and fun Gina. There needs to be balance. But fun Gina has been off more than on for a bit.
We're inviting her back to the party.
I like things better that way.

How are my peeps?  Check in with me either e-mail or comments.  I like to know!

-Fun Gina

Thursday - Unite!

Not much new, news to report.
I'm holding my own despite the fact that my stomach is hating on me again.
I am wondering if my inconsistency so far is the cause of this. When I eat junk my body has to detox a ltitle bit again causing me to feel like junk.
Need to remind myself that might be the case when I decide I need that junk again.
As for now I am back on target. See - Not.Giving.Up!

Today, well actually I think yesterday, I read a story by another lady in the blog-world who is on the journey.
It was hard for me to read. This link is to an older post of hers that had just come up on another blog.
When you are overweight you already feel like everyone is judging you.
So to hear of someone having to face that judging head on just made me angry.

Since I know some of you don't share that struggle I think I am going to take today to address this little issue.

You may think that the overweight person is somehow invisible or oblivious. But when you are making comments and/or snickering at them - they are perfectly aware.

Dealing with this issue for most of us has been a life long battle. If it was as easy as "put down the fork" we'd all be skinny-minnies. But there is much more going on. Much more is typically at stake.

While you know my story, or at least parts of it, you do not know everyone's story.

Keep in mind that the person you are talking about/too/behind is a living, breathing human being who has feelings. You do not know their struggle. You do not know their day.
Perhaps they are on an upswing and doing really well. That person that looks overweight to you may already be halfway through a loss and feeling proud of themselves. Today may have been the first day in their journey. They may (as my blogger friend above) have just walked a marathon on a bad knee and not been able to walk through the grocery store.

I will end by echoing what Lyn said the other day: Compassion is free!

You can be the person who encourages the hurting or you can be the person who heaps one more hurt on them.

What can you do?
I'll tell you what I do. When I see someone in my shape or worse I pray immediately. I pray that God would encourage them, heal them, and help them. When it's someone that I love I encourage them in positive steps and do my best not to derail their efforts.

What I don't do?
I don't say a word. UNLESS... unless... unless... I hear/see a situation like above.  I will be the one who tells someone in the above situation that they are outta line.

Be the light my friends.  You can do it.

-Gina

Sometimes it is what you think it is

Well it's Monday.
Monday is my usual weigh-in day at the center but I am playing hookey today and waiting until tomorrow.
Yesterday I was feeling funky again (what is it with me and Sundays?! It's seriously frustrating).
Anyhoo... yesterday I was feeling funky again. And I have something about feeling funky = pizza.
I know right?!
So I decided it wouldn't hurt me too much. I'd been crazy good before that.
But that dang pizza - I'm thinking it may be the salt.
So since the scale saw a ridiculous not humanly possibly bump this morning, I delayed weighing.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow!  :O)

I find that I do much better with people than without. When I'm alone I can much more easily talk myself into the same old bad habits.

So that's yet another reason to be OUT and about more than sitting at home.

Meanwhile Jillian and I have temporarily parted ways while I try to figure out what happened to my leg. I'm afraid to work out on it while it hurts like this. I'm sure if Jill were here she'd tell me to buck up/suck it up in her ever so pleasant way.  :OP

Ok.
Off to fight another day.
-Gina

Friday Update - Things No One Tells You

It's Friday night.
Nothing significant about that necessarily, except that another week has passed. :O)
Once again I have to say that I am learning a lot about myself on this little journey.
I was reading somewhere the other day on another blog (wish I could remember which!) where the writer was talking about sabotaging herself when she started to see results.
I can relate.
In focusing a little bit on some of the things I notice trigger me... success on weigh in days is HIGH on the list.
When I went to the center this week I had lost more weight and inches (they measure once a month). They were proud of me. I was too, for about 6 hours. 
There are a lot of reasons for that. I am sure at some point on this journey I'll get into them, because I know some of you will relate.
Now is not the time for that little talk. I have some praying, reading, talking and walking still to do before I will feel free to discuss.
I think it's important though.
As for today, things are good. And yes I am back to "one day at a timing it," which may switch to "one hour at a timing it" any second now!
When I went to the MRC folks the other day one of the things they challenged me with was to not run from the bad days. Even when things aren't stellar - get on in there and talk.
I don't like to fail though... so that's kinda counter to my usual methods!
Change will mean realizing it's ok to not be 100% perfectly successful 100% of the time.
Hi, my name is Gina, and I'm a perfectionist.  :O)

Weight - down
Water - up
Sleep - sucky
Exercise - punishing (I told you Jillian hates me)

Gina - still in it for the long haul.

How are my peeps doing?  :O)

Tender-hearted

My heart is tender right now.

My heart is tender to lots of things just about all the time. Some things always move me to tears - weddings, hurting people, love, death - you get the picture.

But right now my heart is tender-er than normal (yeah - not great grammar).

I feel thin-skinned. It's not in a way that I am easily offended at things but in a way that seems like the slightest emotion can bruise me. The most innocuous conversation can bring me to tears.

My heart is just tender right now.

I've spent a couple of days trying to figure out what's at the root of where I am emotionally. It's not hormonal. It's not entirely situational.

I think I am on the edge of something huge because of all the things in life that just seem uncertain. In the middle of that I think that God is preparing my heart for new things and new growth.

The analogy that I keep thinking of in all this is how you tenderize meat: you beat the crap out of it. In the past year I have had situations and people that have done just that. People and situations in this past year have challenged me, broken me, and in some cases hurt me.
Being hurt is a part of life. Being hurt is a by-product of loving people.
I used the words "broken" and "brokenhearted" a lot this year.  Things that seem vital to my happiness have been, and still are, ultimately out of my hands. That leaves me feeling out of control. If you know me... out of control is not in my comfort zone of emotions.
I know that ultimately my happiness comes from my relationship with Christ. Really my joy comes from there and there are a LOT of joyful moments in my life.

I do a lot of celebrating too.

But my heart is tender right now.

While I think I may be rambling a bit I do have a point.

I'm on several journeys in my life.
I'm working hard to be healthy and lose weight.
I'm walking through new territory being totally in love with an incredible man that I've been dating for almost two years. Going from life-long singleton to a long-term relationship is a joy but definitely a challenge as well.
I'm daily working on my relationship with Christ and learning about grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I'm daily working on my relationships with friends and family - trying to be a good daughter, friend, sister and aunt.
Right now a lot of blogging seems be focused on the weight-loss journey. While my weight doesn't define me it has influenced a lot of other areas in my life and I am working to change that. Since many of you are as well, I have chosen to fight this publicly in order to hopefully help you while I learn and struggle.

Possibly because I have been so open about it... it has added another tender spot in my heart.
I so wish that my emotions weren't this close to the surface right now. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel decidedly uncomfortable.

I am however, not giving up or in. I am pushing on. I am going to continue laughing, loving, screwing up, getting back up, apologizing when needed, crying when needed and living life.

Since we're in this boat together... I'll probably keep blogging too.  :O)
How are y'all doing?
I'd sure love to hear.

Vacation and Jillian Michaels

Well before it’s been a month… I needed to get back in here and update!
Let’s skip the diet portion of our day and talk about vacation. I’ll update on food and such later. Frankly I don’t think I’m in the mood to talk about it today - and maybe not tomorrow. Oh, except to say that even though she doesn’t KNOW me, I am certain Jillian Michaels hates me. No one who loved me would treat me like she does in the Shred workouts.
Now - on to vacation!

I had one.
The end.  :O)

Just kidding.

I just got back from Florida with my traveling buddies Tina and Tracie.

We had a bunch of fun.

I got a sunburn.
We went deep sea (ocean really) fishing.

We made idiots out ourselves in front of state park signs.

We had a bunch of fun.

I came back tan(er) and remembered that I look better with a tan. However since I don’t particularly like the heat it’ll probably fade by July.  :O)

The End.

The Dreaded Binge

I let some time slide before I wrote about this. Mostly I did that because I wanted some perspective but I also didn't want to use it to condemn myself. I wanted to analyze what happened and see if I can make some mental and emotional connections for the how and why.

A week ago Monday - 8 days ago - I had my weigh in with measurements. I had lost 10 lbs total and 15 inches overall (legs, chest, hips, etc.). It was an incredible result that got me an "atta girl" from the consultant. I felt GREAT, for a bit.

On weigh in days (since I'm down there) I always get a chicken salad from Chick-Fil-A. It's close and easy to get and head back to work.

But for some reason after weigh-in that morning I instead struggled. And the ending choice from the struggle was a Sonic burger with fries. Lunch... Sonic.  Dinner... started with something (I actually can't remember what) and ended hours later with Dominos.
In the course of those two meals I hit my calories for DAYS.

The question I was left with at the end of it was why?
What could have caused me to mindlessly eat after all I've learned??

I actually have no idea! The psychologist in my wants to analyze the crud out of it. Am I sabotaging myself? Was there a trigger there that I missed?

At the time, and now days later, I still can't find it.
Which scares the crap out of me!
Part of this journey is changing habits but ALL of it is about changing me. How do I change something that I can't identify?

Things I do know:
You don't change overnight.
I got RIGHT back up on the "horse" the morning after such a terrible day.
I'm at 8 days now completely ON plan. FYI - a record for me. :O)
I don't have to understand. I just have to file this one away to watch out for in the future.
You don't change overnight.

Well there's your Tuesday info - maybe more than you wanted to know. But it's so important for me to put the good and bad out here. Because if you don't see both then I'm not really helping anyone, including myself.

We can do this!

-Gina

Sunday update - Proud of Myself!

Week 3ish saw everything CLICK!  I got all my water and exercise. I ate what I needed no matter what (see below)! 

13 lbs down

This weekend combination has been one I've been worried about for a while!
Friday night = eating out with friends
Saturday = Worldfest at Branson (mmm funnel cakes)
Sunday = Mother's Day

It's all my triggers in ONE WEEKEND!  :OP

Guess what?

I didn't cave. I didn't eat a sandwich on Friday night... didn't eat anything off my plan. I didn't eat crazy on Saturday at Silver Dollar City. Even when I panicked a bit I was able to remember advice from a friend and ask to have something prepared completely differently then what was available.  And they discounted it because I was asking for something WAY simpler then they charged for. WOO! :O)

Even exhausted and face to face with yummy, sweet, good stuff I didn't cave. And that has never, in my lifetime, ever happened under those circumstances!!!!

Enter Sunday, today, which I was most certain would get me. It's the dreaded by many childless and/or single women - Mother's Day. Frankly it is a day that I almost always miss church... baby dedication, mother's recognition... painful. I'm happy for so many others, especially my new mom friends!!! But it can be a hard day.
I was fairly certain that the emotion of the day was going to win out because missing church is not an option so I was going to get the full barrel day.
But. It. Did. Not!

It didn't hit me until I started singing it, but our opening song was worded straight from Him to me. I was on Praise Team again so it hit me with mic in hand! God is always faithful to provide exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!


So I leave you today with my message from today. God has not forgotten you, no matter where you are or what you face. He is going to use you. I'm counting on God!
-G

I'm in a fight not physical
And I'm in a war
But not with this world
You are the light that's beautiful
And I want more
I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength
To live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God

I am counting on
I am counting on God

Ginabob?

So Brent Riggs is hosting a "Where did you get your nickname from?" Linky, and it seems like a good time to answer an actual FAQ!

How in the world did I get the nickname "Ginabob?"

People from all ranges of my past still call me that name. But where did it start?

It started in highschool.

We were doing a project (don't judge me for the upcoming stereotype ok? :O) on the Vietnamese relocation to Ft. Chaffee.  We kept interviewing people whose last names were spelled all different ways, but were always pronounced "winn." Some of these names had no letters that could, at least in our minds, justify the pronunciation.

So we decided that we would rename each other.  My name was "Bob" spelled G-I-N-A.

By the end of the project several friends called me Bob which morphed by college to be GinaBob.  Years later - it has stuck!

That actually was my second nickname.  The first being (thanks to my brother Gem) "froggy." He still calls me "froggy" most of the time and he tries to get his kiddos to call me Aunt Froggy. This is all due to the fact that I am ridiculously double-jointed and used to sit/sleep a bit weirdly growing up. 

Side bar - don't do that... or let your kids do that... because it will accelerate their inevitable knee problems in later life from being double jointed.  :O)   End side-bar.

-Gina(froggy)bob