Setting the Goals

Thanks friend Eric for throwing down the gauntlet today. I appreciate the offer to have some anonymous accountability, but who am I kidding! Go big, go the whole way, or go home.
:O)

So tonight, after 4 hours of Biggest Loser, I decided to set my goals up here and ask y'all to ASK ME how I'm doing. That may stink but it's what I need people.  Oh ha! And that totally makes me want to hurl thinking that anyone might actually but please, please do!  (AAAAAH!)

So I am setting some weekly goals and my long term goals.  Here they are in black and white.  Then I gotta go to bed so I can get up and work out! 

Weekly Goals:
Exercise - at least 30 minutes at least 4 days a week.
Food - High protein, high veggies - balance, balance, balance - kill the sugar (I'll be fleshing out the specs on this but I needed to get a start down)
Food - Stay within my calorie range (tracked by my handy "Lose It" app on the iPhone)
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm with the only exception being schoolwork (also AAAAH!)
Water - drink it, lots of it and every day - at least 125 oz per day

Overall Goals:
Lose 60 lbs by 12/31/10 (HOLY CRUD DID I JUST PUT A NUMBER DOWN???!!!)
Be back to my 20,000 steps a day each and every day by 12/31/10

Ok folks - it's there in black and white.   Must find a way to put these permanently in the sidebar. But must do that later!

My shoes and socks and handy DVD are ready to roll for tomorrow.
Let's do it!
(AARRR! - power yell)
-Ginabob

Change

It's funny In some ways. I remember reading in my journal in a recent re-read the following:
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that when you change you invite more change along for the ride."

Change is just in the air.
I feel a bit melancholy tonight. I'm not upset or sad though so maybe wistful is a better word.

I have had a lot of great conversations over this last week with people who are reading here. HI PEEPS!
I've guessed 4 readers and even gone as high as 7, but this last week has broadened my vision and shocked me quite a bit.

I think part of this current phase has been kicked off by some of what God has been teaching me and some of what you've been telling me.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the "next thing" in our lives that we forget to live and be fully in the current thing. One consistent thing in my life as a single has always been to never put my life on hold waiting for something to happen.

I have traveled the world, walked on the Great Wall, swam in the Dead Sea, ridden a camel in Israel, been almost run over in Ukraine, stood at the top of Niagara Falls, seen the lost city of Atlantis (well the Bahamas resort version at least), and visited the empty tomb outside Jerusalem. I have done so many things that I never would have dreamed possible growing up.

Never let what may happen in the future stop your "now."

Always live for HERE because HERE is all we are promised.

So maybe you cannot travel the world.

What can you do?

LOVE: Love with abandon. Love with ridiculous abandon. Love until your heart may break from the joy of it. Love people who cannot or will not love you back, just because you can. Love until it hurts!

LIVE:  Live each moment. Sometimes I catch myself still wishing today away. Yes - tomorrow will be spectacular. At this current season it is tempting to count days until I see a certain person. But any day wished away in lieu of another day is a God-given day wasted.
Live fully. Leave nothing behind at the end of the day. What is it that your are passionate about? Be there - do that. No excuse is valid to yourself for wasting a day by hiding somewhere.

HOPE: Now you may think because I mentioned that I didn't want to waste time wishing days away that I intend to tell you I do not hope for or think about my future. That is so not true. I live saturated in HOPE. That is why despite any circumstance that I may be facing or may face in the future I know I can LOVE and LIVE. Life is full of hope. So where you are now isn't where you want to be - guess what? You can make changes. Life not turning out as you intended (and trust me people I have many of those moments). The future is still laid out before you.  If you are granted another breath after the one you just took, then you my friend have a reasonable expectation to HOPE. Now don't waste it!

Love. Live. Hope.

:O)
Ginabob!

When I Figure It Out

I keep waiting for my "aha" moment. But I'm thinking that this time around I'm not going to get that.
This time around I may not have that magical moment that just gels into my brain.
I was e-mailing a friend today about Beth Moore's new book.
It's called "So Long Insecurity"
Perhaps you are in that vein of person that has no insecurities. If so - what the heck are you doing reading something written by ME the queen of insecure? Heh?  Rethink please.  :O)
I kid... I kid...

This book has been eye opening for the same reason that my Friday spill and the resulting e-mails and personal conversations (ME TOO moments) have been eye opening.

Beth Moore struggles with insecurity. Not only that people, but within the pages of her book are examples of numerous other women who struggle. Praise God - that some of them are even rowing in the same sea of insecurity as me.

Now I do not like to know that anyone is suffering. I sure wish that we lived in the World that God intended.
But we don't. We live in a fallen world and things are not going to be perfect.
Hallelujah friends - that means that I am not going to be perfect either.

So while I battle with my lifelong struggle (and the daily stuff that is thrown in for good measure) I have gained some valuable assets over the last few days.
In coming clean I have gotten several "me too" people. THANK YOU - and if you haven't let me know you're with me... please let me know so we can encourage each other.
Reading and commenting is so encouraging to me.

In coming clean I have gotten to hear some much needed encouragement.

The Goal is not perfection. The goal is progress. So mark today up as success!

The First Thing to Go

Ironically the first casualty this weekend was the bathroom scale which now resides on the laundry room shelves.
There is shall stay for a while.  Not sure how long yet.
One thing I realize about myself is that whenever I start something new the first thing I do is weigh. And then I keep weighing - often.
Soon the numbers become the gauge of how the days have gone. Frankly that is no way to gauge how the day has gone!
The new gauge is going to be what I've done as far as what's gone into my body and how much work I've put into my list (you know I love lists... you know there has to be a list coming right?!)
I'm still formulating the details of what this will look like. But have started out with just doing the same things I know to do already.
Oh and don't worry----- I still have a scale.
The Wii-otch** can weigh me when I work out!

**Wii-otch is my affectionate name for skippy the scale that comes with Wii fit. I hate her... I know you shouldn't hate anyone... but I do hate her. She says ugly things like "ooohhh" when you step on... and "that's obese" (while your Mii hangs her head in shame) after she weighs you. Sorry - oversharing again I know but who am I kidding right?!  :O)
Ok - night... I have some journaling and list making to do!

I'm Kinda Tired... Think I'll Go Home Now

I figure this is one of those posts that'll get me a call from my mother speaking about my Uncle Larry and implying (or just saying) that possibly I over-share.
Possibly... I do overshare.
I suppose my theory on this is that too many of us don't share enough!
I think more often than not we feel like the battles we face are just our battles.


I think it is in holding onto our struggles that they can gain their greatest power over us. More times than I can count in bible studies or over coffee (yeah I don't drink coffee really) a woman recounts a story to me while sobbing and the second that someone else (or ME) says "me too" the relief is palpable!

Well buckle in friends. Some of you are getting ready to say "ME TOO!" Maybe some of you are getting ready to say "Whatever?" And I hope the other four of you will at least say "hey I can pray for that!"

Know that for about two months I have attempted this little feat of blogging. While my struggle is obvious to the casual observer it is ironically still not easy to put in black and white. It is definitely not easy to put up on a blog even if it's for the possibility of accountability. There have been some people who have encouraged me to be transparent here (though they don't know it yet). Eric (real life friend) - Annie (person I blog-stalk :O) - and countless others.

If you clicked the links then you know where we are headed if you didn't already. If you don't have your clue yet then let me just get down to business.

My name is Gina.
And for more years that I can figure I've struggled with my weight. I'm not just an emotional over-eater. I'm a celebration-eater too. It's been with me in good times and bad; through sickness and health.
And right now - it's killing me.

I am not unaware of my weight. No chubby, fluffy, jolly, whatever person is. I am extremely conscious of it.
I always have been.
What I am aware of lately is my defensiveness of it and my acceptance of it.
That is what is unacceptable.

So here I am sitting in front of this monitor. Frankly teetering over the POST and Delete Keys.

But I'm done.

I'm done hiding and I'm ready to fight.

This is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for.

Why the heck am I doing this here? Because I realized that I need a "me too" moment as well. I need that something that will link me to others that have done it.  And there are LOTS of you out there that have. Those are the people that will help me along this path. Maybe this blog world will help in that as well.

The temptation was there to wait until I had some type of success to just spill the beans. But no... I want you here with me from day one.  And this is seriously day one.  Ugly - gritty - tear-stained day one.

Turning around and headed home.
Join me?

-Gina

Rebellion

Here's what I'm thinking.
I'm just refusing this crappy, weird winter blast that is threatening to hit us this weekend.
Absolutely just refusing it!
I have plans. Plans with my super boy friend and then plans to be at my wonderful church. I like adjectives have you noticed?
Plans that do not include snowfall or sleet.
They didn't really include rain either, but rain I can beat off with an umbrella.
But SNOW - seriously, it's flipping 67 degrees outside right now.

I know that this stuff coming right now cannot stick to anything because it is, let me repeat myself, 67 degrees outside right now!!!

OY.

Summer - get here already. M-k?

We'll return to your normal bloggyness (whatever that really is for all 7 of you I recounted - WOOT) later after the panic of SNOWSTORM - MARCH 10 passes.

Hugs and kisses
Ginabob

Things Normal People Would Never Tell you - Vacation Disasters

In reality - I have a LOT of weird vacation stories.  A - LOT.  :O) 
It seems that when I travel - especially when I travel out of the country - that strangeness follows me.
People try to grab me (China). I run into people that I know shopping for mail order brides (Ukraine).
Just you know - random for instances.


Picture if you will the return trip from my first overseas mission trip - wow 10 years ago! Due to unforeseen travel circumstances we have a lay-over in London. FUN! We'd been planning out our time. Lots and lots of things. Being the history buff that I am, I could not believe I was going to get to spend the day in such a great city.
We get into London to begin our site-seeing time, check into the hotel and so far all is well.
Beginning of the site-seeing we start out of our hotel walking in a big pack.
And less than 50 feet outside of our hotel I step on an un-even piece of the sidewalk and severely sprain my ankle.

J_O_Y  :O)

Some fun things to know about London.

You can see a ton of things from the top of a double-decker bus.
It helps if you have friends that tolerate your little injured self and ride the bus routes with you.
You can see a TON of things from the top of a double-decker bus.
Donna - Me - Jennifer - Loretta

Some other fun things to note:
The "friendly" hotel staff had never heard of an ace bandage and looked at me like a moron while I tried to describe it. I'm going to blame my southern accent for the chuckles.  BUT, but I found out later that the hotel we stayed in had a HOSPITAL right across the ROAD FROM IT!!!!!
I'm certain puffy ankle and tears should translate to injury in any language no?  :OP
Ankles that are badly sprained swell up to almost the size of your calves when you decide to run through airports on them with no crutches and then get on a plane for multiple hours. 
You know how sometimes your feet swell on planes.....................................................


Our British Air Flight attendant deserved to be flogged for his treatment of gimpy (me) on the way home.  If I see him again... and I will remember... I'm gonna kick him in the ankle and run away laughing. (probably not but it makes me smile to think about it!)

My doctor flat out told me I was an idiot for walking on my ankle like that.  i.d.i.o.t.  Then he laughed at me for quite a while - cause he loves me like that!

All of us, including me, didn't realize how bad it was until we got off the plane in Dallas.  By then it was pretty much too late... including for the plane to take us to AR... which we then had to wait a ridiculous amount of time for. I hate late flights.  I really hate late flights when I am cranky.  :O)

Ok - thus ends the saga of the Great London Ankle Injury.
You may now resume your normal lives.

J-O-Y - Part Two

Previously on this blog…  :O)

You are pre-warned - this is insanely long!

So now I’m worried.
Well not worried - concerned? I honestly didn’t realize that so many of you would get SO caught up in waiting for news. Who knew that many (any) people would be interested? And now I’m thinking you’re totally going to be like “whatever” when you find out I’m not:
1.) Engaged (which was like 100 of your guesses - possibly an exaggerated number or possibly not - seriously people when that happens. There will not be secrecy there will be blimps, fireworks, parties and billboards. (do you know me at all?!?  :O)
2.) Moving
3.) Quitting or some other massive life change

But interested you were and engaged I’m not.

When last we left it was Friday night and I was desperately listening and waiting for God to move.

Friday-DAY I had so much work to do. I was entering checks, listening to classes, doing the normal Friday shuffle.
But God kept knocking.
And I kept having to put it off and feeling more and more desperate for the time to listen. I can’t explain this feeling.  I mean, I work at a church for heaven’s sake but I felt like I couldn’t stop long enough to process and had to just push it down over and over again.

Desperate. To. Hear.

Oh I am sorry I think this may get long because of how many things I have to explain to explain how COOL this was for me… and WHY I was so excited at the way so much unfolded. I’m tempted to break it up into another blog but I think some of you would kill me.

Years ago I started praying something very, very specific. It’s actually even pre-blog days so that’s why I have to explain and can’t just link. I started to pray for God to change my name based on Jacob wrestling with God and God changing his name. At the time I started praying it I didn’t have a complete concept of what it meant. But I knew I needed change. Over the course of that year (I think 2004) I realized that at that time my “name” was fear. I was afraid of so much in my life. I wanted my name to be (Fear Not).

Specifically I knew with no doubt that God was asking me to sing/speak in front of people something to which I had repeatedly said NO, NOPE, NO-WAY - uh-UH. You hearing me?  :O) I had tried. It had not worked. I had freaked out. I was afraid. And Praise Team? Please! all those thousand eyes staring back - ain’t no way folks.   F_E_A_R took over even thinking about it.

So 2005-ish (I need my journal here… and don’t have it) God radically changed my name via a super lady named Candi. She encouraged me to get on out there and start singing. Really this deserves its own post! This led to not only singing in a ladies group on the “big stage” on a Sunday morning in front of thousands but to leading worship at a retreat, helping to lead at other events, and in a step that is miraculous beyond the explaining if you haven’t walked the road with me, singing by myself at both a wedding and a church service).
All that led to me finally stepping up and trying out for Praise Team for church and being blessed to be able to sing actually hold a mic and sing in the place I had sworn I would never, ever stand.
That picture and thought still brings me to tears because it was so beyond me. I’m not the most talented by so far but to be able to be used was/is amazing.

See “fear” my old name had been changed to FEAR NOT. I marked that occasion (the first one) with a silver ring engraved with those words which I still wear. It was to remind me that no step onto any stage or podium will ever be my power.

Ok - enough back story - back to 2010 people.  Still here?

Friday night - desperation is setting in and I start praying for God to start to speak gently please. I can’t take radical this weekend. I have two finals and two papers. K? Thanks.

When I finally put head to pillow on Friday night it is with much prayer that God would reveal the whatever. And I’m thinking at this point that I’m getting a clue.
We’ve slipped a bit because there is a word that is back in my vocabulary in a big, big way.

Guesses?

Fear.  Afraid of what comes next. I’m graduating in December. What happens then? What will the next year bring? So many things seem up in the air right now and I and not in control.

Fear.  But God had already changed my name. What happens now? I’m a MESS. Is God through? What is next?

Somewhere in the middle of Friday I was sent a blog link to Travis Cottrell which I read on Saturday night

Now it’s long too - so I won’t make you read it (but you SO should)
But here is an excerpt:

“There is nothing God cannot do.

So in conclusion, please hear this: Fear not.

Fear not.

God has not left you. God has not chosen you to be the one who has circumstances or mental and emotional make-up that is beyond change. Your struggles, your mountain, your pain is not beyond Him. Who are we to ever be so presumptuous to think that we would actually be the ones who have issues beyond the reach of God's power?”

Gina Here again….
aka Fear Not.

WOW

I sat there - literally on the floor - just sobbing. Cause if you ever asked for God to just come right out and tell you something and maybe tailor it RIGHT to you. Well then there you have it.

Saturday night the burdens of numerous months lifted in moments because of one reminder.

Gina - I changed your name - Fear not. I’m not done with you.

Circumstances have not changed. Still have no answers but I am not afraid because God reminded me that he already changed my name.

Fear. Not.

Oh - and cause God’s just like that… and likes to reinforce reminders… I got to be on Praise Team THIS Sunday - i.e..THE Sunday that would be the day after He chose to rock my world.

And would anyone like to guess what Josh Stanbery’s devotional was for the morning of Sunday, March 14th for the Praise Team??
Cause you’re kinda not going to believe it people?  :O)
Really - you’re not…

Jacob - wrestling with God - and God changing his name.

Believe it or not - the 2 ½ page version that you just read/scanned IS the recap version. Because there are details that are too personal to recount for blog-land. And there are other details that I think I may share later. I can't help it. God is good and you don't want to keep that to yourself!!!!!

But let me rephrase what I said on twitter.

May I never get over: where God has taken me from, what He has brought me through and what He is doing! So good. He is SO good.

It's about the J-O-Y - Part 1

As promised a little peek at the weekend though I am sure that no words do it justice.
Let's just go back to Friday. We could go back further. But Friday was the beginning of this little joy-sprout so it seems like a good place to start.
Oh, maybe Thursday night.... yeah let's go there for just a second!
Ok - so my lack of sleep might possibly interfere with this little diatribe but some of you are just chomping at the bit!

Thursday night was a marathon of class watching and in the middle of it God started knocking. Sometimes God is subtle - He whispers. Sometimes, not so much and the Thursday/Friday combo was of the not so subtle variety.

I have been so stressed out about the details of everything working out. How am I going to get all these pages read? I have no more papers in me right now. How in the world can I write 21 pages? I have no energy. I have barely slept for weeks. I am spent. <---- Gina's mindset circa Thursday/Friday morning.

Knock/knock - God on Thursday  -
Hi Gina you're really stressing out here. You do realize you don't have to go this alone right?
Me - Eh - it's just a couple of paper, pages, no sleep, life is crazy, general things I can't blog about rightnownuttynessinsomanywayshtaticantevenfindspacesforitkindalife... I'll be fine thanks.
God - Ok

Thursday night I barely slept. Frankly I cried almost the entire night because I was so tired.stressed.frantic.tired.emotional.worried.TIRED.

Friday - Work.

Knock/Knock - God on Friday
I'm not sure exactly at what point in my day on Friday this occurred but I do remember walking over to my friend Tiffany's office and confessing I was fairly certain God was speaking and I had (GET THE IRONY HERE) no TIME to listen!
Somehow the day passed on Friday (if you Facebook/twitter) you noticed that God got some shots in there during the day as well) and I made it home determined that no matter what it took and even if it meant that something didn't get done, I was listening.

And Speak. He. Did.

Now I don't want to cliffhanger you - but I'm gonna - because this girl is working on 4 hours sleep. While it's been an incredible day (Thanks to many things and people) it's been exausting.
So I wanted to set your minds at ease (since some of you had some crazy, nutty theories that I had some insanely good news up my sleeves)
-G-night from G-Joy.

Compassion: Kenya

I've been following the bloggers who've been on the Compassion trip in Kenya. So many times on these trips I read these posts and just bawl thinking about the kids who have yet to be sponsored. So many kids who just need a ray of hope in their lives. $38 a month can make a huge difference. My own Compassion child (Grace) lives in Tanzania and I hope to get to see her in person someday. But until then I see her in so many of these faces on so many of these trips.
The post today by Brad just broke me and I wanted to share it with you guys.
If you have ever considered sponsoring STOP considering and go for it!
Father to the Fatherless

Ebenezer

I was positive that I had written about this before but I cannot find it anywhere.
So I'll mark my night/week/month/year by marking my ebenezer stone here on the blog.
Well - it's already in my journal... this is just maybe something for someone else.
You know I always say I hate to waste a lesson so that's why I share!  :O)

1 Sam 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

I really don't remember the first time I heard this analogy. I have a feeling it was Beth Moore, cause Beth is just like that! But it's a term I have used many times since the first time I heard it.

For me an Ebenezer is a marker in my life when God does something that is so astounding/profound that I have to put down some stones for posterity and say "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

It's a reminder of where I've been. I can pick up some of those markers (and some are actual physical rocks!) and I can know that God has been there with every step.

Ebenezer - Up to this moment, God has helped me.

I started to write a very different blog tonight but somewhere in the middle of it God just came down and I pulled away for a few hours. Because when God speaks I hope I always drop it all and listen.

Ebenezer

It's no secret. I've blogged it. I've tweeted it. I've facebooked it. I've talked about it with the people I love.
I have just felt broken, brokenhearted. A lot goes into that personally.
I have no doubt that I am His child. But God has in many ways seemed silent for a while in some key areas.
I was a bit angry about that. I needed a word, but no word seemed to come. So I went silent too. Two can play this bit.
I wrote a few weeks ago about fearing becoming Marah (bitter) and wanting to be Hephzibah. Still there was silence and brokenness.
And instead of retreating IN... I moved a little further away.

Tonight I revisited some of the old stones - Ebenezer.
There are places I remember, ugly places where God pulled me through. Ebenezer
There are joyful places where God revealed and I joyfully danced. Ebenezer
There were painful places where God gently led me and healed me. Ebenezer
There is a place - where God showed up and no one could doubt that something miraculous had happened.
Ebenezer

Ebenezer
Little markers to God's faithfulness.
Am I really doubting now that He is good and He does what is good? Am I really focusing on myself when His holiness and faithfulness have been my shield for so many years? Am I really arrogant enough to think that I can pick up just fine here now thankyouverymuch and do it by myself?

So I have wrestled with the brokenhearted-ness this time and come back again to the fact that "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

Tonight I have marked another ebenezer stone because, while I still have no answer I have a promise and I will hold it in my heart.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ebenezer

I Promise.. My Eyes are Brown

And I promise that there are pictures of me where I don't look possessed... but those pictures aren't rejects so they don't qualify.
Yes it's that time again. My friend Melissa's Photo Album Rejects day is here.


This picture comes from roughly 12 years ago. I'm sporting a dress that mortifies me to look at.  :O)
AND the expression. I'm not sure what that is. I will say that the person (and I cannot remember who he was) beside me has a similar expression! I'm on stage at the time, which makes this more mortifying - do I make faces like this often on stage?  I hope not?!?

Thanks Melissa for giving me a reason to air these.  I already have some good ones lined up for the upcoming months!
-Gina (I'm a she-devil) Bob

Wandering

So it's funny the different things that can trigger old emotions.
I've been battling a big trigger this week. I won't say what started it because I'm so not about talking specifics when it involves someone else who likely had NO idea what they triggered.
I can say that at 33 I still fight with some major insecurity. (And Yes... Beth Moore's new study is on my list if I can ever clear my current palate of 600 plus pages a week)
Insecurity... just the word in front of me makes me want to throw up right now.
Because even putting it here makes me vulnerable to the very type people and situations that started this little trigger.
Rejection and Insecurity

I think most people struggle with some form or fashion of insecurity. Me, I came by it early in life. I never seemed to fit in anywhere that I was. I always, always felt awkward and isolated.
I learned early to be funny because people who are laughing with you typically (not always) aren't laughing AT you.
It was a good defense - be charming and funny. But it didn't always work as a protector.
As I grew up I found my circle but there were still some places where I would never fit and that knowledge hurt me for years.
Frankly, this week due to some situations and conversations I was smack dab where my little defense mechanism couldn't do anything.
Rejected and insecure - and feeling like I was 9 again.
Ironically the older version of me, I realized, copes much the same as the earlier version.
She hides.
But isolating myself doesn't help because it makes me feel more rejected, isolated and insecure.
Enter yet another vicious cycle that I can find myself in the middle of and wondering how the heck I ended up in the same place again.
So this time, much earlier in the cycle I have to say (hooray for progress) I realized what has happened.
I can even realize what triggered the feeling and how it compounded.
So - lessons learned this round:
1. Other people are going to reject me and maybe just plain not like me.
2. I'm going to be ok with that.
3. Only one opinion matters in the end - God's. He certainly uses other people to get those opinions across from time to time, but ultimately He has the final say in priorities and other decisions (not anyone else).
4.  My opinion of myself could use some work and today is a good day to start working on that.
5. Letting anyone other than God set the tone of my day is a huge mistake that needs to be fixed as quickly as it gets off track.

-Gina
 - getting over myself one day at a time

No Really... It's Not That Profound

I don't know why, but I think that sounds like an appropriate title for my life lately.
Not that my life is meaningless or anything. This isn't an Eeyore post... I'm not about to go into a verse of "If it is a good day... which I doubt." 

I just find myself lately re-finding old revelations. As frustrating as it is for me right now God and I are covering some ground that I know very, very well.
My time in this particular wilderness journey is well traveled. Sure some of the details have changed.
But overall - same song - 900th verse.
Now this is actually not a complaint!
Go figure!
What I am saying is I've been here before, learning these lessons before and would have sworn last go round that we would not be needing a refresher course so soon.
But here we are.
In the same wilderness... AGAIN.
My first reaction on this non-profound realization was almost frustration until I realized something key.

I'm in the same wilderness learning some of the same lessons but I realized tonight in parsing through this that it's like anything you learn in life.

Repetition really is sometimes the key!

When I was learning to play the piano or the flute I would play the same pieces or scales over and over and over again until I knew it backwards and forwards. I would leave it and come back to it sometimes but I would keep at it because I wanted to really learn it.

So here I am.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

See... I told you that it wasn't all that profound.

I learned something my last patch through this particular desert. Metaphorically I learned not to drink the water from that well over there. It's bitter and makes you sick. Don't talk to that hermit. He smells bad and is grumpy. See that cave over there - BATS! Avoid. Don't stay too long at that oasis. It looks all good for a while but it's deadly.

I learned some things last time that are making this time through a little quicker. It's making my trip a little more enjoyable.

Maybe it's my last trip through this path. Maybe it's not. If it isn't... I'm making sure to take good notes this time (journal) because I don't want to miss a second.
Even the rough paths are valuable if you learn something.

Me - I'm still here wandering in a little bit of a circle for now. Just being honest! But I am learning something new this time. I'm not going to waste a second. I'm going to cherish even the weirdness because it's all bringing me to the place that HE has prepared for me.

Yep... This won't make the Album

Melissa is hosting a contest for photo album rejects and I thought it sounded like fun. First one off that came to mind is from my graduation party in 2006. I cropped out the people who instigated this face to protect the "innocent," but they know who they are. :O)



shudder....

Ice Storm 2010 - Update

1. Taking down the Christmas tree (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!) - DONE
2. Watching 8 hours worth of classes and 2 hours worth of presentations on OT 2 and the Poetry books of the OT. - SIGH
3. Reading Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and their corresponding chapters in said OT textbooks (somewhere close to 300 pages NOT counting the Bible itself) - I've made a GOOD clip at this and expect to be done tonight!
4. Writing a discussion board post on something... I think I should look that assignment up.  - OH - I need to look this up!
5. Pacing out my schedule to not get behind again. - NOPE
6. Figuring out my meals for next week so I don't try to fly by the seat of my pants (again to hopefully not get so behind. - NOPE
7. Praying a lot that I can keep my sanity while I figure out how to fit everything in. - YEP
8. Missing Al - cause Ice Storm 2010 keeps us both safely tucked into our apartments - YEP
9. Watching the snow fall... so my eyeballs don't explode from the stress - YEP
10. I don't think I have a 10... Wait yes... laundry and dishes. - YEP

Also - 7B - Nap... Success

And 11.. Which wasn't on there but should have been... Spend  an hour cleaning the snow off the car - CHECK!

Oh and 12 - injure myself mysteriously by slicing open my hand - check

Back to work!

Ice Storm 2010

Well the bad weather is here. I had already taken tomorrow off to try and play catch up.
I've made some changes in my life in the last two weeks that have been good but time consuming and I have not been able to get my school schedule to cooperate.
So tomorrow through Sunday, while I'm all iced in and hopefully with power, I will be:
1. Taking down the Christmas tree (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!)
2. Watching 8 hours worth of classes and 2 hours worth of presentations on OT 2 and the Poetry books of the OT.
3. Reading Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and their corresponding chapters in said OT textbooks (somewhere close to 300 pages NOT counting the Bible itself)
4. Writing a discussion board post on something... I think I should look that assignment up.
5. Pacing out my schedule to not get behind again.
6. Figuring out my meals for next week so I don't try to fly by the seat of my pants (again to hopefully not get so behind.
7. Praying a lot that I can keep my sanity while I figure out how to fit everything in.
8. Missing Al - cause Ice Storm 2010 keeps us both safely tucked into our apartments
9. Watching the snow fall... so my eyeballs don't explode from the stress
10. I don't think I have a 10... Wait yes... laundry and dishes.

Man - I think I need some naps in there too.  We'll call that 7B.  :O)


I am determined to make the new healthy lifestyle work... but I need to find some balance as #'s 1-5 will attest. Here's hoping that this weekend will afford that and not include a scrubbing of my plans for disaster relief at the church!

Nighty-Night!

Gina

It's Not Over... Till It's Over

So yes it is a week later and I am just now getting around to blogging. That is a combination of - 3 migraines, school starting, life drama, and general lazyness.  :O)  I keep trying to do better and maybe I will!

I was thinking about what it takes to keep going at something. I'm making some pretty major life-style changes (aimed at getting me feeling better) that are good things but challenging.

Change - I'm kinda not a fan. I think I've mentioned that before.

But fresh starts - that I do like.

So I am going to look at 2010 and the months it affords me as fresh starts - EVERY DAY.
Alarm clock goes off - New day - fresh start - WOOHOO!  :O)
No re-do's on this life. There are no chances to live yesterday and fix what happened.
But today is a fresh start and I for one am going to take each one for every thing that it is worth.
Life is far too short to do anything else.
Live it people!
-G

Why Yes - I am Procrastinating - Thanks for asking

I won't stay long.
Just thought I would pop by and let you know what I started today.
1. Old Testament II - OT the sequal. I love the OT so I am ready to get into it.
2. Introduction to the Poetical books - of the OLD TESTAMENT... silly girl - what was I thinking... never, ever take two OT classes together... I never do that. I think I was punch drunk when I registered and got my B term and D term mixed up!

Oh well - it's too late now - and I'll be very poetical before it's over with I am sure.

3. Going slowly crazy... no seriously... I've decided it's my only option at this point.

In reality though I am going to try to be a bit more bloggy. I used to write a daily devotional which I wrote 5/7 days so it shouldn't be too hard to get into at least an every couple of days mode.  Let's see how I do - especially when my papers are due 8 weeks from now.

Ok - I'm of to read me some Isaiah.  WOO!

Gina

Hephzibah

I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the line I missed a memo.
It was the one that outlined some of the finer "how-to" points of womanhood... I don't know when it was handed out - maybe I was supposed to get it when we watched those "boys in that room, girls in the other" movies in grade school.
But I'm sure I missed a memo.
My friend Jill wrote a great post the other day that shocked me. See somehow I had decided that I just hadn't gotten my "I'm a grownup" badge because I wasn't married and mommy. I figured that still living solo in my solo apartment was what was keeping me feeling like a perpetual college student.
OH CRUD... maybe it's the fact that I AM a perpetual college student that has me feeling that way??!!??
Regardless when I read her post yesterday I realized again that no one feels as together as they look. When I used to teach one of my favorite reminders to people was that we compare other people's shiny outside persona to our deep intimate knowledge of ourselves.
Let's face it - no one, knowing their deep dark secretey (sorry spellcheck I don't care if it ain't a word...) places, can ever match up to someone else's shiny outside show.
Maybe that is why I so often fight to be who I am inside and out. Mind you I'm not going to spill every fault I've got. But I always want to be the kind of person that SHOUTS God's grace because, let's face it, this gal as been given a whole lotta grace.
You know who shouts grace to me when I think about them?

David - man after God's own heart... but also a calculated murderer, liar, cheater, schemer and adulterer.

Moses - led God's people from captivity... murderer - chicken - who even after seeing God in a burning bush still wasn't convinced that God could use him. "Hey God... how about Aaron.. he likes talking to people... I'll still go... but wouldn't you rather have him do your talking?"

Saul/Paul - leader of the early church - writer of much of the encouragement in the New Testament... multiple murder - torturer of Christians

Rahab - used to bring the Israelites into the promised land and in the genealogy of Jesus... prostitute

You seeing my pattern? God never used the person who was "most likely to succeed." God was and is all about taking messed up, frail humans who are no-one and using them to shine His glory and grace.

It gives me hope that I cannot express. Why?
Because the grace that Moses, David, Paul, Rahab and countless others received is just as fresh today.
Though we may feel completely unworthy, when our useless and frail lives are placed in His hands they can shout His glory.

There is nothing that you have done that can knock you out of that running. He loves you.

I'm thinking tonight that it doesn't matter how I feel. Yesterday's mistakes are past.
Tomorrow is a day waiting for me to wake up and be renewed by His life and grace.
It's more than I can take in honestly... because I am a woman who is sorely in need of some grace and renewal.
So tomorrow I am going to press on to the prize that is set before me. I'm going to keep running the race until it is finished. I am going to work on being Hephzibah (God's delight is in her) instead of Mara (bitter).
Regardless of anything else that I do, or do not accomplish in this life I desperately want to make sure that the end  it can be said:

Gina - Hephzibah - though her faults and failures were beyond listing, His grace was sufficient