Hope - Advent - Day 6 - Week 1

Hebrews 1:1-2

In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe.

In the days before Christ God's followers clung to a hope and a promise. They waited for a coming messiah through trials and terrors. We too cling to a hope and promise but we have something that they did not. We have the knowledge of the Son and the presence of the Spirit. We have the defining moment of history written down for us to read and study anytime we choose. We have glimpses of who Jesus, the Son, was and is today. And through Him we have a glance at the Father that Old Testament folks did not have. God has spoken to us through the Son, through His life, death, and resurrection. And when it comes down to it we are blessed just in the knowledge of Jesus. Many of us know the Christmas story inside and out but as Christmas approaches I must tell you... it's not the knowledge of the cross and the Son that is Important. The key decision in life is what you do with that knowledge? Hope is great. But you hope in vain unless you have placed your hope and life in a relationship with the Son. That's Christmas at its very heart. It's God's love for us wrapped in a baby and opened at the cross.

Father,
As we speed towards Christmas and the end of this year, may we remember that there is always hope for our futures when our faith and trust is in you. Please bless those reading this prayer tonight. Wrap your arms around those who are grieving. Encourage those who feel alone. And most importantly, help us to see outside of ourselves to bring our hope to others.
Amen

Gina

Hope - Advent - Day 5 - Week 1

This seems like a strange post for a day on hope. But I promised myself this journey... so tonight is going to be a little different.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I know I have asked "why?" a lot this year. Here is one of the answers that I have received. How would you know how to comfort someone else if you had never had any troubles yourself? Talk is great, but if you've never been there you really can't offer the advice of one who's "been there, done that"

God promises comfort. When you get out of your troubles - whatever they are - you can comfort those around you. 

Try a little comfort today. Take the time to tell someone how important they are to you. And be specific folks.

Father,
The only words I can seem to find tonight. Help us. It's been a long, rough season... and the end seems so far away.
Please, be near. Please be the God of comfort for us all tonight.

-Gina

Hope - Advent - Day 4 - Week 1

1 Corinthians 13:12
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

This seems like a weird place to go for a day on hope.
But stick with me. :)
There are a lot of things here in this life that I am forced to admit... I cannot understand. There are plenty of events that just break my heart because the pain that they bring seems unnecessary and cruel. Hello! to most of 2020. Almost all of this year legit seems God-forsaken and filled with so much pain.
In this passage it talks about seeing life as you would look at a reflection in a mirror... a poor or dim reflection. Ever looked in a mirror in dim light? You can kinda see outlines but really there is no hope at getting a clear picture. That is just the way we live our lives now. We can't hope to see the whole, clear picture until this life is over. So hmm... maybe we should stop trying to figure it out already!!! 

You can stare at that reflection and try to piece together the shadows. You can live in your past desperately trying to pull pieces together and "work all things together for good...here," or you can go live your life with God's directions.

Let me tell you friends.  Peddling hope in this year of Advent 2020, it seems like I keep nailing my own self over and over again.
If you know me even in the slightest, you know how personally devastating this year has been.
I'm realizing tonight, as I sit here typing, that I just an hour ago had my dim mirror out trying to polish it up into a picture that makes sense.

Spoiler Alert - It didn't. It doesn't. It won't. 

Tonight as I am telling you to keep hope, because someday that dim picture will come into focus in His timing... I'm basically yelling it at myself.

I have no "quick fix" solutions for the pain in your heart. But I have this hope: when I do see Him face to face, I will know fully.
Until then, I will live in this moment. I will stop trying to replay and fix the things that are past. I will remember, that some day it will all make sense. But today is not that day.

Prayer for Today
Father
Please help us let go of the dim picture we are clasping onto right now. Help us remember the past days with a hope of understanding, when we see you again. Help us leap into tomorrow with an expectation that days are still ahead where we will laugh and smile. Please help my friends who are currently wrapped in grief to know that they are not alone in their grieving either. You are with them fully yesterday, today, and tomorrow. These days of weeping seem to never end but some day, oh someday they will.
Amen

My friends - put down that picture. It's time to walk on.
-Gina

ps - some of my sweet friends have very, very recently begun their journey of grief. To them I also want to add... grieve! Do not let anyone rob you of the healing grief that you must endure. It is a season that takes as long as it takes. And that is a part of living too.  <3 Here with you always. - Me

Hope - Advent Day 3 - Week 1

 Habakkuk 3:16-19

I heard and my heart pounded, my lips quivered at the sound; decay crept into my bones, and my legs trembled. Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity to come on the nation invading us. Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

 Habakkuk has had a big impact on me tonight. Have you ever noticed that sometimes you get the most impatient for something right before it actually happens? It's like the long awaited wedding, or baby, or homecoming. The closer it gets the more anxious and ready we are for it to get here. So it is with a move of God in your life. Even when Habakkuk had no external sign that God was working, he knew in his bones that God was moving. Check out that middle verse - even though crops are failing - even though there are no sheep in the pen - I will rejoice. I will wait. I will be joyful. I know I talk about waiting a lot. I think part of the key is in how we wait. 

Are you waiting like Habakkuk was? 

Are you confident that God is moving even with NO evidence? How about joyful? Ya feeling joyful? I think some of us (ME) maybe need to examine our waiting posture. Do not grow fainthearted now. The redemption of the Lord is somewhere just around that next corner. The promise of God may be just moments away from fulfillment. Press on!!
Some of these words are from a Gina about 13 years ago. That's pre-Al... pre J and J... pre house building. It's a Gina who had lots of promises for a future, but very few fulfilled. I said then that life is always about waiting for something. I stand by that even more strongly now.

This week of Advent is about hope. You don't hope for things when you know the future is certain. Hope lives in uncertain, even scary times. That is why Hope 2020 is such a revelation.

Keep hoping my friends. Things do get better. Sun does shine again. You will laugh and love again.
If I can pray for you, please either comment or send me an e-mail. 

Prayer for today
Father,
Please let the person reading this right now feel such a jolt of hope that it takes their breath for a minute. Be the ever-present, God of Hope for them right now. Please help us to be a beacon of hope in a weary world that needs it more now than ever in recent memory.
We love You!
Hope-Filled
-Amen

-Gina

Hope - Advent Day 2 - Week 1

Lamentations 3:25-33

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust- there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

I love Lamentations 3. I always quote verses 22-24 to people who are going through rough times. But I am realizing that sometimes the next series of verses speak more to what I am going through. Waiting is NEVER fun but sometimes it is very necessary. Waiting in a distinct silence from God is twice as difficult. We must all remember that no season in our life will last forever good or bad. That's the way it is with seasons... they come and go. 

That's two days in a row that I am reminding that life is all about seasons... I may have a point that I am driving home to myself. The thing about seasons is, at the beginning and middle and sometimes even at the end, you are not aware how long this season lasts? "2020 as a stink year" may start to ease up tomorrow.  But it may end sometime in 2021. One thing I am confident in is that it is just a season. My hope is not in politicians, or vaccines. It's not in my family, friends or work. It is only in the One who does know the beginnings, middles, and ends of all seasons.

Day 2 Prayer

Father,
Even as many of  us sit in the silence of the unknown tonight, may we be reminded that you sit with us. You have not left us destitute and alone. You have not shown us the end of this season, but you know it. Our days are fully in Your hands. Help us rest secure in knowing that you are holding us here in this season and into the next.
Amen,

 Press on my friends. The Lord IS with you even in the silence of this season.

-Gina

Hope - Advent - Day 1.. Week 1

I decided that I wanted to write some Advent devotionals. It's 9 pm on the first night of Advent. I have not written word one while I try to fight off this whatever non-virus it is. (Corona negative).

So, my fever brain decided to search my old devotional files for the word HOPE.

And the neatest thing... there were too many results. "This shows up a lot"

Y'all. My life's testimony in one word is Hope. God has restored so much for me over the years. I pulled up example after example in my devotionals. They are from 13 years ago, give or take... Before Al... Before Jay... Before Jackson.

Those devotionals were all in the waiting years of hope... not fulfilled.

This week - Week 1 of advent... is all about hope. So I "hope" I find a lot to encourage you with.

Let's start off with a strange place to find hope - Job

Job 42:2

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Knowing that Job said this after all the junk he had been through is incredible. Job really had gone through more bad things than anyone I know. He'd lost everything and no one stood beside him. Yet he knew that God's plan had never suffered when he did. Job knew that God had only good in store for him. What do I think is key in this? One word that I notice I use here a lot is "through." 

Job went through all of this. 

He didn't sit and moan (okay, he didn't do it much). He let God bring him through the bad stuff and to the end. Push on folks. There has to be an end somewhere. God has shown it over and over again.

I wish I could tell you I knew when that end was. I have no idea.  But I know that seasons never last. This one will be no exception.

Someday we will be telling stories to the next generation of how we survived Covid19. They will be hard stories.  But, like all seasons, we will start to remember the good things too.
It's one of the toughest seasons of all our lives most likely. But there are hopeful things. There are rays of light either right here or somewhere just out of sight.

Advent Prayer - Week 1 - Day 1

Father,

Please help us see that you are working here, even when we cannot see it. Make this season a season where we see you fully. Help us move through this world with joy. May we be reminded every day of the humanity that is all around us. Help us to see where we can bring hope and joy to the tired world that is around us. If any of my friends reading this prayer need that hope and joy, please show up this week in some unexpected way and bring peace, hope, and joy.

Amen

You're my peeps... Much love to you.

-Gina

The Weary World

Let’s face it.
2020 has been markedly bad. It’s been epically bad.
I think we’ve all lost people. We’ve for sure all had our lives turned
upside down.
The word of this week has been weary.
We lost a 45 year old friend to this wretched virus. We lost a precious
friend’s only sibling to cancer.
We faced some new realities of trauma with our sweet boys.
Weary. 

If 2020 needs an overarching theme that’s it.
Weary.
Last night as I was texting with a friend dealing with yet another loss I felt
so clearly in my heart:

The weary world rejoices.

I’ve heard multiple people wishing to skip to the end of this year. Let’s
just get to next year. Let’s turn the page to 2021.
I get it.
The grief has piled on this year. Many people are barely holding on.
But be still and listen for a minute

        The thrill of hope.
                The weary world rejoices.
            For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

I’ve had my fair share of bad years. 2020 ranks. It’s been tough. But from
the depths off loss that was 2016 for me, let me share this.

Darkness does not win. Darkness does not last.

Advent season will be here in just days.
I can’t help but remember the circumstances that this “coming” season
celebrates. Between the last word in the OT and first word in the NT were 400 years of
silence.
400 “2020s” where the world wept and hope seemed a distant promise.

        The thrill of HOPE
             The weary world rejoices.

I’m going to go ahead and give myself permission... you too if you’d like... to prepare your heart to move on. To prepare your heart to rejoice again.

11/29 starts Advent which runs through 12/24.
Maybe you’ve never taken those days as special.
I never have. It’s always just a calendar with chocolate... maybe some
stories.
But this year we need Advent. We need hope.
The weary world cries out... waiting to rejoice.

Join me? 

As I sit here on 11/19 I’m not sure what this looks like.
If you’ve made it through this whole ramble, will you join me? 

Will you prepare to prepare our hearts together?
My weary soul is ready.

-Gina

Easter 2020

As I reflect on the day... different in almost every way from any Easter to come before it.... I’m reminded that this Easter is much like the first Easter.
There is a lot of uncertainty. There is certainly no lack of fighting. There is fear. There is betrayal and hurt.
There is death. There is the sting of it that begins at first brush to overwhelm.
But as Easter passes to Monday morning I am left with this hope and promise.
After every night there is a dawn.
After every storm there is a breaking of clouds that yields to the sun.
After even the darkest times in our lives... hope will break through as well.
If Easter speaks to anything it is that death, fear, and pain have lost their final sting!
Honestly? I cannot see it right now. I’m worn through from these fights!!
But, If my Heavenly Father and my Earthly Father gave me one massive gift, it was optimism.

See that little glimmer of light breaking through ahead of us?
It’s the morning.
It’s almost here.
Do not fear to hope.
Run to the light. Run ahead and see. It is finished. And it is good.

-love to you all - Gina

What's On My Heart

I've shared a lot of our journey with little man with the world. I've kept big chunks of it to ourselves, and I always will. I try to mostly share the emotions... the things that are common to almost every journey of foster parents and children.
Some months ago I wrote a blog to little man's bio parents.
Tonight I read it again and wept.
With all my heart when a little, or not so little, heart passes into our lives I root for their biological family. That is the role that we signed on for when we went into this process.
I want that to work in a way that I know I cannot explain to anyone.
And sometimes, I feel like I need to tell people why.
So, here is the cold hard fact spelled out for ya.
All of us are a few bad decisions from life going completely upside down.
I promise you, zero parents hold that tiny baby's live in their bodies and then arms... and plot on how they are going to lose them.
But it happens.  The statistics are there by the hundreds, over 500 just here in our two counties of NWA.  That's a lot of little lives tossed into the balance. And it's for so many different reasons.
What's best for them? Healthy, happy, healed, and whole families.
The system, flawed as it may be, does everything it can to make that a reality with the family of origin for that child. But it is not always possible.
Enter one of us... one of my people... the foster families.
I know there are good and bad foster parents. I'm not naive.. but here in the trenches I have not met one.I have met dozens who wear themselves out, mentally, physically, and spiritually for the little humans placed in their paths.
What else do they have in common.  They are also hoping, against hope sometimes, for a sweet reunion. And I know this, because I have seen the other side of those reunions.
I think I'm rambling a bit.
So what's on my heart tonight?
The hundreds of biological parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc... who have kids sleeping in a foster home or shelter tonight.
Please pay for them.
Pray that they chose the hard path for their children
Pray for their health and paths to wellness.
Pray for those who are facing the ultimate loss of a child that they desperately love but cannot take care of right now.

That mother or father - they may have talked to you on the phone today.They may have taken your order at a restaurant. They may be next door to you.

What else can you do?  There are organizations just about everywhere that stand in the gap to support biological families toward reunification. They need support. They need prayers. They may need you.

Do what you can, with what you can, for as long as you can...

-Gina

When It's Confirmed!

Just after I posted my last blog, catch-up here if you missed it... a dear friend of mine messaged me with a verse that God had given her.

Y'all it rocked me.  Because it definitely follows what I believe God has in store for this year.

Isaiah 54:  1-3  

“Sing, barren woman,

    you who never bore a child;

burst into song, shout for joy,

    you who were never in labor;

because more are the children of the desolate woman

    than of her who has a husband,”

says the Lord.

 “Enlarge the place of your tent,

    stretch your tent curtains wide,

    do not hold back;

lengthen your cords,

    strengthen your stakes.

For you will spread out to the right and to the left;

    your descendants will dispossess nations

    and settle in their desolate cities.

But here is why it rocked me?! One of the conversations God and I have had off and on for the past 6 years is how all of the stories I have seen in scripture about women who weren't able to have children.. ALL ended with them giving physical birth to a child.  ALL of them that I could find had the same miracle ending.

Why were there no words to someone who wasn't going to get that gift?  I like a happy ending as much as the next gal.  But clearly that is not every woman's destiny.

Oh, but there were words for that... in Isaiah.  Beautiful promises of descendants like an Abrahamic promise.

I had to share it... because maybe you are there to?!  Maybe you can't have children. Maybe you've had a child, but have been unable to have a second.

You are not forgotten.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.  

Harvest.

-Gina

One Word - 2019

As I start this blog, the first in a long while, it’s barely Christmas Eve – 2018. I love Christmas usually. It’s been a top holiday for my entire life. But this year, is a real struggle.

I’m adding a nice disclosure at the top here, because dudes… you may not want to delve in to this.

And ladies – if you have any infertility triggers this may not be the blog for you.

Ready – here we go…

This year caps off a 6 year fertility journey. I say that because it truly was a story with twists and turns with some highs… and some crushing lows.

I say ‘was’ because that journey came to its official end on 12/13/18. I went in for an exploratory surgery to remove a cyst on an ovary and left completely barren.

I knew that a hysterectomy was a distinct possibility. I knew from all of the scans and studies of all things chick related, that it was quite possibly a big old mess down there.  I mean, two little lives had started a journey there and checked out well ahead of their expected stay. The ultrasound and CT scans from the ER both showed unmistakable issues.

The doctor prepped Al and me before anesthesia to make double sure that I was ready.  I laughingly told him that my uterus wasn’t doing the job I’d hired it on for, so it might as well go.

It’s easier to be all giggles about that in an abstract sense for sure. It was the right decision for me. Out of my 28 day cycle – regular as clockwork – I had 3 days of horrific pain cause by the cyst every other month or so. Then every single month for the past 3 years I had close to a week of debilitating pain as the fibroids that took over my uterus tortured me into submission.

Womanhood is not for the faint of heart.

This season always struck me as so full of hope. In each of our years since marriage I was sure that we were closing in on our miracle. My “word of the year” often reflected that – hope – joy – journey – renewal.

This year that specific hope, the hope for biological children, is gone.

On the bright-side, I don’t have people telling me they are sure I’ll get pregnant as soon as we adopt.

Gone will be the hopeful – all in God’s timing pep talks.

I never have to smile through a “well at least you’re having fun trying…” K (just don’t… y’all).

Barren  

I’m half tempted to make that my 2019 word.

It seems so final. It’s tinged with a grief I could not have fully expected.

And entering into a holiday that begins with a miraculous birth, the finality of the ending to this journey seems bitter… barren.

LATER

I waited a week to start this back up again. It wasn’t intentional. I think I just needed to sit with these ‘feels’ a bit.  I got nice and sick over that time. A cold took me fully down to my bed for hours out of every day. I’ve spent a lot of time praying. I’ve spent a lot of time crying. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking.

------Lest you think me super devoted, I’ve also binged an entire series of baking shows on Netflix-----

Every year for the last probably 15 (I need to check my journal to be sure), I have chosen to pick a word for the upcoming year. Resolutions are generally pointless.

In the past, I have found focus in a word, just one word usually, that gave me something to push into.

When I started this, I jokingly said that maybe “barren” should be my word. Ok, maybe not entirely joking. It’s that dark and sarcastic humor that has become a pretty steady coping mechanism.

But barren is definitely not my word.

So what is?

Harvest

As I am awake again tonight going over so much in my heart, Psalm 126 keeps rolling around.

I was going to just pick a piece of it here – but it all applies.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.”

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

Harvest

2016 – 2017 – 2018 I sowed with tears. I lost things that almost no one knows about. I grieved hard. But I sowed. No to be all “own horn tooter…” I got the privilege to share about my faith multiple times. I got the joy of leading a whole group of people in a verse by verse study of Revelation – start to finish – every line. I got to continue to help lead worship at church.

I chose to sow. I wanted to give up. I wanted to give up a whole bunch of times. I had to lay low a few of those times because of how dark some of them got.

My actual conversations on the way into surgery were about God's calling on us into foster care. The last thing I remember, was telling the nurse about the faithfulness of God in that journey.

I chose to sow.

2019 – It’s harvest time.  I feel it within the depths of myself. I don’t believe that a calendar flipping over defines a fresh start.  What I do believe, is that it is a good place to plant a memory stone (see Joshua 4).

I’ll keep sowing too, because some of these things still need planting (hello long lost book writing) and tending to (hello old daily devotional).

Harvest – 2019 – It’s that year!

-Gina

Dare Not Trust the Sweetest Frame

I love old Hymns. I love how a song written 150 years ago can still strike a chord in my soul and bring something totally new out.

Today, it was this one... interspersed with a song called Cornerstone.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

The oddest thing hit me while singing it today. What does it mean to "trust the sweetest frame?

So I did what everyone does in 2018 and searched the web for it.

But there is really not a definitive answer. What does that let me do?

It lets me search a bit deeper for why I was so undone by these lyrics today.

Once again, for the hundredth time in the foster journey, we are faced with uncertainty.

Things can turn so quickly. And you can go from 1 child to 2 (or 3).... or none.

What is the frame that my heart/spirit is compelled to trust?

Today - slamming into me like a ton of hymnals - I realized it was my own planning.

See, I have the frame for our family all set out. I have the future set in a picture on the wall.

"This is what I want God... work within that frame ok?"

But I dare not trust even the sweetest frame.

My plans rarely work out like I think they are going to. 

I caught my reflection today in the car door as little man laughed and giggled as we drove home from church.  I am happy in this frame. I would be content to let my family stay this way exactly.

But that is most likely not the path we are walking on.

The sweetest frame.

This is the life I wanted. It's the life I begged God for many times. There are laughs I never could have scripted. There are lows I would have chosen to avoid. But there is joy, so much joy.

Sweetest frame.

My carefully laid out plans - that frame - can fall apart in one instant.

If my trust is in the plan, instead of the Author of all plans, I am set up for great pain.

Frames and plans will be broken. He, will not.

I will be broken. He will not.

So I dare not trust my own sweet frame... but wholly lean on Jesus name.

-Gina

The Other Mother

There is an aspect of foster parenting that many people never consider - Biological Parents.
It is super easy to be on the outside of this broken system and judge people who you know nothing about. "I would never" sounds good in theory. But real life is just not that black and white.
It is way less easy to look in the eyes of parents whose world has been stripped and judge them.
In our lives, we are all one dumb decision away from our world crumbling.

I met them today. It's our first case where we've had such direct involvement with the family. I was prepared to sit and cry with frustration. I was prepared to sit across from her unmoved.

I was wrong.

I was not expecting to introduce myself and be greeted with a tight hug and a tearful thank you.

I was not expecting to hear their progress and realize that my whole heart - even the part of it stolen by this beautiful baby - longs for their reunion.

These families are not stats on a sheet. They are real people. They face obstacles that honestly make me long to smooth things over for them.

Reality - You don't just foster a kid. You foster a family.

Reality - I've never rooted so hard for someone to shatter my heart to mend theirs.

The journey is hard all the way around because of the broken, broken world we live in.

But there is hope. Rough days are ahead for our sweet boy's mom and dad. I sure would appreciate my praying people to keep them in your hearts and prayers as well.

If we all work together, the future will have our precious boy tucked safely in a room down the hall from people who radically changed the course of their future. They will have done the hard work... for him.
Please God, make it so.

To the Other Mother:
This mother has your back. You can do the hard stuff. You can make the hard choices that this will require.
We are behind you.

-Momma Gina

To The Little Boy, With a Big Piece of My Heart

Sweet Boy,

Goodness you have rocked our world. We thought we were prepared. We always think we know what we are saying "yes" to at that phone call. We never do. Each set of little feet, with their suitcase or garbage bag packed with their lives, comes with baggage that you cannot see as well.
And this week, it almost broke me.   Because I cannot stand the thought sometimes, of what your life will be like somewhere else.

With my brain, I want you to be with parents that are healthy and whole. I root for you parents enthusiastically! It's something that is a paradox for sure. Because I also would love those parents to be us. But I hope that they can pull this out... that they can do the gut-wrenching work that is ahead of them. My heart falters sometimes but longs to see you happy in the path that God has for you.

Precious little man. Holding your hand is a doorway to a life that I have dreamed of for so many years. I truly love you with every bit of me.
My prayer for you tonight is the same as every night for the past few months.
God protect his heart.
God raise him up to follow you.
God help him heal. Help him feel safe, even when the world changes.
When I can no longer hold that hand, or softly stroke your hair, or whisper words of comfort; somehow, I pray that you will remember in your heart that we gave you everything we had.

Dear sweet boy we will love you forever.

-Mommy Gina

You Can Protect Yourself, But Not From Everything

One of the things that comes up a lot in conversations with people about foster care is loss.
I suppose it's inevitable to think about.
I share my adorable kid story with you. I tell you about the cutest thing he learned to do.
Someone always says "that's just it... I don't think I could have that, and then lose it."
I've walked over these past few years with people who have had unimaginable losses in their life.
I've seen grief of so many stripes. Heck... I've lived it.
Great love sets you up for loss in some way every, single time.
It's morbid to think about, but so true.  Death is so inevitable in our lives. Loss is always a threat.
Life is precious. But we would not really ever have a sense of how precious if everyone... every thing... we loved lived on forever.
Life is precious.

Great love is worth that risk.  It's worth even the scariest of risks.
Loving any child inherently sets you up for pain. The child you grew from scratch will say things that will devastate you. They will chose bad things sometimes that will hurt you. They will cause you tears and grief. Some of you grew a child from scratch that has already left you ahead of the time you were ready.
But we are never ready for grief.

Was the love worth it?
Knowing what you know now, would you still risk the love?
I would... I would chose love that ended in pain every time over no love at all.
Because man, love, that is life.

So how can I love that adorable bundle finally sleeping down the hall, knowing that tomorrow isn't guaranteed? How can I love each adorable big and little bundle knowing that most of those journeys end in tears?

How can I not?
I get to kiss endless boo-boos. I get to calm angry tears. I get to laugh. Oh... do I get to laugh. I get to walk through their journeys. I get so see first steps. I get to hear first words. I get rage thrown at me. I get tears.  There are broken hearts, scraped knees, and broken furniture.
There is always love.

And some day - in the much too soon for us future - I may hug this little neck too and send him to be with someone else who loves him.

Is it hard?  Yes.

But I would break my heart into a thousand pieces if it protects his for this time. And I feel the same for the two that came before him... who I still cry over in many ways if I'm being perfectly honest.
That's not "oh how special is Gina!"
To me, that is a living, breathing, pouring out of the love I have been given by both my earthly father (love you Daddy) and my heavenly Father.

... Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Maybe you are not called out to foster. Can you think of anything this world needs now more than love? What would this world be like if we simply loved our neighbor, as we loved ourselves?
Something to think about my friends.

-Gina

It's not what they told us it would be

Hi there!
I've been gone long enough that those of you who know me probably thought I had given up.
Nope. I'm still here. I've just not written, anything, in a long time.
I have journal-ed my life since I was 16. Pretty faithfully that entire time I wrote.
But the silence on here is mirrored there.
I have not written.
I'm not sure why.
I've had plenty to process... the failed fertility treatments.... the miscarriage... the hope and crashing down of hope.
The room we had set aside for children called to me - empty.  The empty room was such a waste. It called to me. It haunted me.
So ...We've charged fully from one season into the next.
And we started a new chapter in our family.
Fostering and hopefully someday adopting.

We were certified but the empty room stayed empty. From the first signature I walked past that room every night praying for every child that would fill it.
Still it stayed - empty.
We started with a teenager - totally green - complete newbs. We had no idea what we were in for. We learned a lot about a lot in those few months.
We learned sacred secrets. We listened to rage - to pain - to much more than our hearts could take.
And then he ran.
And our hearts broke. We wanted so much for him. We hoped to see things really work out for him - give him a good start to life.
And the empty room - once full of life, music, and laughter - was empty again.

Blessing number 2 came totally unexpectedly and on the exact day that we decided to not re-open the door to fertility treatments. She was to be with us a long time, but you never know. You are never guaranteed time.
For a week - the empty room was filled with pink clothes and pink toys. Little tiny socks. A firecracker wrapped inside a curly headed doll. And we breathed her in and fell in love.
She left suddenly and with no goodbye. Thankfully she went to her family. He safe place here was temporary.
And the empty room - once full of giggles, bedtime stories, hugs, and cries - was empty again.

The third blessing also came as a surprise. He was quick -not even a week after the adorableness of a little girl. And just like that - the empty room is all trucks and blue. Its torn up things, cause he is all boy. It's running and tackling. It's the most adorable kid I've ever laid eyes on. He's beautiful. He is young.
And we breathed him in and fell in love.
The future, is not known.  We've had all kinds of timelines and deadlines.  But the future remains a total mystery.
We want the absolute best for him. We root for his family to come together and make a stable home for him. We pray for them every night. Tonight I tucked him into bed with his cup and his rabbit. I prayed, in the no longer empty room, for this child. I prayed that God would protect his heart and keep it soft. I prayed that his future was bright. I prayed for us to love him with abandon.

You see what they don't tell you, what you could never really learn from anyone else, is how much of your heart you can give away. How many pieces can you break off and send back out into the world? I know for sure, it's more than 2.

I share what I share because I want people to know that we are not special. We are called... and some of you are called to. Some of you are sure that you could never bear loving a child and then letting them go. But, if you are called, you can. You will break and grieve and pick up to love again.

Some of you are not called but you can give in other ways. Date nights and meals. Mowing a foster family's yard. Find the foster momma that just took in a new baby, in addition to her other kids, who refuses to sleep - and keep her precious kiddos so she can take a NAP.
There are a thousand ways that you can help... and that thing that just popped into your head to do.
DO IT!

Foster families will thrive if the community at large and especially the community of faith join them.
If foster families thrive they can create an environment that helps kids and families alike.

It's not what they told us it would be.
It's so much harder. So much more challenging.
It's so very much more than we ever could have dreamed.

-Gina

You're Ok. Oh You're Not Ok? ... Ok...

Lately my mom and I do a lot of laughing when we first start a phone call. Maybe not so much laughter as wry chuckling.  Why?
"How are you?" or some similar question is a natural opening line in a phone conversation.
The problem is that lately the answer ranges from "meh" to almost tears.
Some seasons are just rough.
We have this mistaken image of people that if they aren't bleeding or bruised or bandaged up, they must be fine.
If they aren't crying or raging or whatever-ing as an outward show of emotion things must be a-ok.
Why is that?
Real grief... despair... hurt... anger... whatever-ing makes most of us uncomfortable!
Sometimes it has to be "ok" to not be "ok."
Back forever long ago in this season I started using the phrase "sit in the suck."
I used it for my friends/family who could really let me actually be the mess that I was at that time.
I will never forget standing in the back of church one Sunday and being asked if I was doing alright by one of these friends.
I, out of habit, said I was fine.
She looked straight at me and said "really?"
No. I was not fine.  Bless her for calling me on it.
We are quick to need people to move on when they are hurt.  This is a fast paced world where information gallops up and past us before we even really digest it. Actual grief and suffering is highly inconvenient.
It's why some celebrities who have been dead for 10 years constantly get re-dead on Facebook.  Poor Bob Denver... RIP - but yeah 2005.

                I had a point, I swear.

Ah - we need to be the people who can help others move on by sitting in the suck for a while.
It is ok to be a total mess.  Don't stay there. But if you never let yourself actually go there, you also will never fully be ok again.
Talk to people and then really listen. Don't take "fine" at face value. We are way too busy when we never actually take time to hear what is behind that "fine."

We are in a big mess in this world. I really believe that a lot of it comes from the habit we all have of talking past people, talking at people, and scoring points at other's expense. We have talking points instead of relationships. We have stands instead of friends. We are right. You are wrong. Unfriend me if you don't like it...

We must be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," (James 1:19).

Stop. Sit with me here for a minute. Step away from your social media and go BE somewhere. Read a book to a senior adult who lives alone. Help someone with their groceries, just because you can. See that mother whose kid is pitching a fit for whatever reason.  Solidarity nod to her and hey, can you help?
Or just listen.  Ask someone how they are and really listen for their answer.

And that person - the one you can't stop thinking about right now - they NEED you to BE for them.  They need you to hear them and not be thrown by their hurt, or bad news, or anger.

We have each other.  We should always have each other's backs.  We are all in this together.
Please make it ok for someone to be a not ok mess today.

-G

One Year

It was a year ago today that my phone rang in the early morning hours.

"You need to get here sooner than we planned."
        "We have time. But you need to get here."
It was freezing cold outside. Al's car had flat, and we had left it in a parking lot.  But we needed to get it out of the weather and into the garage.

"You need to get here."
         "Everyone is coming... we want to wait for you to say goodbye."
We waited for a touch of daylight so we could change cars and head south.

It's an odd sensation. It was a week that had lows and medium lows. We knew by mid-week that things weren't great. But we thought we still had time.

"We will wait for you. But we will need to say goodbye."

The freezing cold. The quiet ride to my hometown. The cold walk from our car to a hospital room.

"Take all the time you need." "We can wait as long as you need."

The whispered words. The peaceful breathing sounds. The calm.  The hushed moments of trying to take in every second.  I needed to remember every moment, every sight.

In that last week, many of us couldn't be there with him. So we had made a sign to leave for - when - he woke up, with all of our pictures "You are not alone."

The beeping of machines and continued sounds of a hospital room echoed.

The moments that follow are sacred in my memory.  Shared stories. Laughter through tears.
And always the touching of hands, shoulders, heads... the patting.  Patting is our thing.

One year later - every sight and sound is etched on my heart. It's a record of a day that I still have playing on repeat.

I have said it before, probably because I read it somewhere, that great grief is the leftover from great love.  My brother, he loved well. So we grieve with intensity still. If you were his people, you knew you were loved. He was a fierce protector.  He was a big dude but he also had a big heart. He was a mess. But aren't we all? He had a wicked sense of humor.  In my mind I can easily hear him roaring with laughter as I did one crazy thing or another. He was my big brother. He was one of a kind. When you're little you think that your big brother hung the moon. When you get older, you realize they aren't perfect but there is still always something special about the person who paved the way for you in the family... in life.

"Take all the time you need."

Ok. I'm still here, taking my time.  Still loving you.  Waiting until I get to see you again.

Love you big brother.

-Froggy

New Year, Same You - My Word for 2017

I think this is the latest that I have ever done one of these posts. I usually have my "word" and start mulling it over in early December.
This year, I didn't even have a hint until New Year's Eve.
One last time I'll say, 2016 just stunk for me.  Around Christmas Al and I started to talk about the good things from the year.  That's only natural when you're fixin' to wrap up a year.
It was tough.  We really had to fight to start the list.
It was not a lack of blessing. There are about 1000 good things in any DAY that we are blessed with.  I am not unaware of that.
But it was a tough, tough year.

Ringing into 2017 sees the re-routing of our dream for a family. Good things are coming in other ways on that front. But so many of the things I had really fought for, really prayed for, and really worked for - not happening.

Ringing in 2017 brings the close of the first year without my oldest brother. It's a big gap in our lives.  Great love brings great grief.  And we have mourned.

Ringing in 2017 brings the new chapters of foster care into our lives.  We cannot even imagine what that means yet.

What word could possibly stand in for all that I hope for this year?

It's actually two interlocked words.

Live/Life

2016 was pretty much all about chaos and death. Some years are just like that. Some years you skate out of December with no emotion left.

2017 is about new life. It's about really living. It's about walking a little lighter with decisions finally set.  It's about letting go and thriving.

Live... Life

Breathe.
He's got this.

John 10:10
A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance. 

Life.

-Gina

I Counted Up The Cost

We've done this song (below) two Sundays in a row at church. Each time, the same lines wreck me.

My wealth is in the cross
There’s nothing more I want
Than just to know His love
My heart is set on Christ

And I will count all else as loss

The greatest of my crowns
Mean nothing to me now
For I counted up the cost
And all my wealth is in the cross

If you know me personally at all you know that 2016 has been full of startling loss. But as much as I probably over share on social media, the majority of people have no idea just how much loss we've actually faced. It's been a brutal year people. And it just keeps on dealing blows. I've joked multiple times, ok not joked... I've been deadly serious at being ready to run away from this year. I'm ready for the clean slate. I'm ready to put this one away and deal with it in the rear view.

But today as I sang the words "I will count all else as loss" I couldn't help but pause.
Do I really mean that?
         If nothing else good happens...
     If more loss comes...
        If my hearts desire is now completely re-routed or destroyed..
  Is my heart set on Christ?
When I count up the cost, where is my wealth?

Doctor's can only do so much for us. Miracles may come. But they may not come in the way I had set out. I have planned. I have a box that I want God to check/fill.  This right here, God, this is what you must do for me. I've been like a stubborn toddler. This here and now God. This is what is acceptable.

But if my faith means anything, if God is the big God that I believe He is, He won't fit in my box.
And trying to force Him to is disastrous - for me. My plans break against loss. My plans cannot stand up to the whirlwind of life. My plans are fragile... fallible... selfish... s.m.a.l.l.

And I'm undone today. Because I have counted up the cost. Everything is loss.

There is NOTHING more I want. Then just to know His love.
Whatever else comes must come against the strength of that conviction.

Though He slay me,
            I will hope in Him.

And when I stand in glory
My crowns before the Lord
Let this be my confession
My wealth is in the cross