It's Just a Number, Until it isn't

So, up until this very moment I am 99% sure I have never, ever, ever mentioned an actual number on my scale.  (I could search my blog and verify this... but I'm not in the mood!) :O)
Tonight that is changing for a very cool reason.
I debated about sharing this milestone when it came up. Even my hubs has no idea to this moment what that # is... till now. :P
It's a huge victory for me to see this particular number on the scale, because the last time I saw it I was 18!
Golly... that's a while back.
Anyhoo.
I hate scales still - even when the number keeps slowly shrinking.
But I think it may help someone else on this journey. It may help someone who is trying to decide where they are on their journey. It may help someone who is considering weight loss surgery.
I want to be transparent.
As ugly as the scale is, it has no power to hurt me.
So here goes.
I started this journey at 285 pounds.
Today, for the first time in almost 20 years, I hit 199.
I'm 5'8. So my goal weight is 150-160 as set by my doctor. I'm over 2/3 of the way there.
And I am feeling so much closer to it tonight.
I don't know what it is about finally getting below 200 that was my big hurdle. But it definitely WAS my big hurdle.
86 pounds gone. Hopefully, gone to never be seen again.

Now if I can just send this horrid cold packing I'm sure I will be doing cartwheels again soon.  :O)

-Officially in ONEderland
Gina

Who The Heck Am I?

I keep starting and stopping different topics here.
In fact, the title remains empty.
I have no idea where I am going with this yet.
But as I was sitting down to journal, I felt the need to blog.
So here I sit. Here on the couch I sit, with no ideas.

I think I'm in a bit of an identity crisis.
When you move from one phase of life into another I guess that is normal.
Me - I've had a whole lotta change in a short amount of time.
So I suppose that crisis is normal.
I've had two major identifiers for the last several years that are either starting to not apply or are just gone.

1 - The single girl
So I'm clearly not single anymore. But the other night, when the pastor was talking about married stuff, I caught myself in the single-girl mindset. I can't figure out a way to explain that mindset. But if you're single, and you have ever sat through a sermon about marriage, you "get" me. I've been married 2 months. But I was single for 36 years. So I guess I can cut myself some slack there. It was a startling "wake up" kinda deal for me to find my single girl brain still so engaged. Oh I wish I could come up with better words here. Any of my "single for a long time" newlyweds feeling me here? Maybe I'll process through it and come back to explain.

2 - The fat girl
Even after the drastic weight drop I am still chunky. That's changing. But it's still there. I'm not the clearly obese girl anymore and that's a mental transition. I can fit places now that I didn't before. I'm different but haven't made some of the critical thought adjustments that I need to yet. This mindset hits me in some strange places - recently at the grocery store and a restaurant.
I've been overweight since my teens. Honestly, the thought of my life without that identifier is something I cannot seem to completely grasp.
The weight I'm at now is a 16 year low - 16 YEARS.
I'm not only not sure how to make that adjustment, I'm not sure who I'll be in the coming months.
In my entire adult life I have never been a normal weight. I have always felt like the "big" girl.

Who do I become when that label no longer defines me to myself?

Wondering
-Gina

I Really Cannot See It

Well, now seems like as good a time as any to address something that keeps popping up.
The other day when I posted my progress pics I realized how much I had changed.

In that post I mentioned that I do not see it in the mirror. If you've ever had a weight problem or an eating disorder this will ring very true with you. However, if you have not really struggled in this area, it may not have made sense.

As of this day, when I look in the mirror I still see every single pound that I have lost as still there.
83 pounds are gone. But they still reflect back for me.
It can be so discouraging.

I grab new clothes when I hit the stores and I never, ever chose the right size.  They look too small.
I have no concept of the change that has taken place.

That is pretty typical.

Thank God for online support groups where people who have gone through this journey can help each other out. If it weren't for them, I would think I was seriously disturbed.

Objectively I know that I have changed. I really cannot see it though. My mind has not made that adjustment.

Some day I believe that it will.
Until then, I will look at the pictures taken along the way.

I thank God for Dr. Roller and his incredible team. I thank God for the changes taking place in my life.

Some day my head will catch up.

Until then, I will do the best I can to see myself as changed.

-Skinny Minny  :O)
G

Progress Pics - Almost 5 months

Well since I'm a bit stalled out right now weight loss wise at 83 pounds (which is totally normal at this point in the journey), I decided to check my measurements. Those are definitely still changing.
Today is the first time that I have really looked at the before and after pics.
Woot!  :O)
Even I can see the difference here. Though, to be honest, I do NOT see it in the mirror. That is a whole other post!

Anyhoo... here is my picture from the night before surgery - 6/11/12

Picture from last night 10/26/12

Sweet!  :O)

-Gina

Sometimes, It Is What It Is

More often than I would like to remember, the phrase that has best fit this entire year of 2012 is "It is what it is."

I'm not fond of it now. Mostly because 2012 has been the year of "... what it is."

Here is what I have chosen to remember instead.  :O)

Maybe it is "what IT is." But there is more to it than that.

Every morning that you wake up is another gift of a day that you have.
Some of us woke up this morning (as we do many mornings) with a great deal of pain.
For many of us that pain stretches back as many days as we can remember and forward as far as we can see.
it IS what it IS.
Even the painful days are a gift. They are a gift that many people would love to have.

Life, no matter how complicated and often painful, is such a precious, precious gift.

Do not waste it wishing that it was something different.

Do what you can to change your circumstances. Pray fervently about the rest.

Then leave it in the only Person who truly knows how many more gifts of days you have.


Right now I'm listening to a song that has helped me to focus in on living and Who I am living each of my "gift" days to serve.
Just in case you haven't heard it... take a listen.  :O)

It is what it is.
He is what He is!
So get out there and live!
-Gina

What Life Looks Like Now

I need to have more things to tell you if I'm going to keep this blog going.
I realize that.
So far, my life has not cooperated with that desire.
I won't do another random list.
I think I'll say this.
Before I had my really bad back days I had started to lose weight. The exercise that I had chosen were these DVDs called Body Gospel.
I am 99.9% sure that I saw them on an infomercial late one night. Those things suck me in way too often. It's probably a really good thing that we don't even have local channels now.  :O)

The last few weeks I have started to slowly move around more but haven't ventured into anything too heavy.

Now I'm starting these DVDs. They actually seem to be a pretty good workout.  I can tell you that right afterwards I was super sweaty and now I'm super sore.
Those are usually good indicators. 

It's a good step up from just walking around and they are pretty uplifting.

I have pretty much the entire Richard Simmons library... a fact that my sweet husband is (I think) pretty embarrassed by.  :O)
Hey - I love me some Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies." The first time I ever lost 50 pounds I did it with Sweating to the Oldies 2!  So there.

I actually met him in person once in Fayetteville in the lobby of a hotel - totally random.  He was so sweet to me and very encouraging.

Ok.
So there was something to write about.  Woo! 

Hope you are all having a great week.
Thank the Lord tomorrow is Friday and I get to spend the weekend with my love.

Good times!
-G

Random - A List Brought to You by the Letter "R"

So I can't think of anything profound or even all that interesting to write about tonight.
I have thoughts just nothing earth shattering.  :O)

So here are some of those thoughts in no particular order.

1 - Skinny Jeans are my current pet peeve. I believe they are a pox on humanity. No one needs to see that. Even really skinny people look ridiculous in skinny jeans. Put them back on the rack. Just walk away.

2 - Somehow I am both overqualified and under-qualified for most things I have applied for lately. I have a master's degree for goodness sake. Ugh... Praying that the economy will see some sharp up-turning sooner rather than later.

3 - It is 11:26 pm and I will have to stay up another hour to take my iron pill so it can be separated from my other vitamins. It's a hassle but I want to make sure it's not wasted.

4 - Today consisted of me being seriously cranky due to being up till 4 am last night. My body hates me and hates sleep evidently.

5 - I don't think there actually is a 5 but I can't have a list that isn't in multiples of 5. I'm weird like that.

Night Peeps
-G

Farewell my Friend, Food, You Were a Bad Pal

My Mom asked me a question today that I have actually spent a lot of time thinking about lately.
How have I been dealing emotionally since the surgery?
I'm a big-time emotional eater. I have been since I was a wee lass.
Like everyone with an eating disorder, (Hi, my name is Gina and I'm a binge eater), food was a constant companion.
It was a false friend. But I didn't know it until it was way too late.

So what does a binge eater who has spend 20 something years eating their feelings do when food can't be their crutch?

She deals.
But she also grieves.

The grieving is a weird part of this journey that no one really explained to me.
I know that things have to change. Ok, they don't have to change.
In a few months I can go right back to some of the worst habits that got me to the morbidly obese category on the BMI scale.

But for me to live the life I want, things need to change.

So I have grieved.

I have moments of sadness when I go to get food and chose the salad over the cheeseburger and fries.
I can still remember the binge high vividly. Thankfully I can also remember the inevitable sickness.

But I still grieve.

My friend food is gone. Yes he was not a good friend. Frankly he was the worst friend ever. But he and I had some good times together.

So I grieve. 
I really wish I could find a better term for it. In so many ways though it feels like a death. I guess it is the death of the old me and how life was for me then.

I will still eat. One must eat to survive.
But food can never take that place in my life again.
Celebration, sadness, victory, defeat, life and death must be dealt with sans the emotional dulling my old friend provided. 

Some day I know that will not make me sad even for a moment. But "some day" isn't here yet.

4 months. 83 pounds. A lifetime of new lessons ahead.

-Gina

Life - You Should Live It

I need to get over here to the blog more often.
It's not necessarily that I have all these important things to tell the 7 of you who read this blog... actually I think it may be 10 of you now.
But I digress.  :O)
So much of what I put here is for me.
I journal as well but somehow that is different.
There is something about having these words in cyber-land, along with some comments occasionally, that is important to me.
It gives me something to quickly go back to.
So, I'm trying to be more regular and disciplined about posting.
I've said that before so we shall see!

On to something else now.
This has been one of the most exciting years of my life.
It's been all about drastic changes, steps of faith, and life altering moments.
In between those, were about 1000 smaller things every, single day.
You know what never changes? Each of those smaller moments were just as important as the drastic and life-altering ones when all is said and done.
Why?
The little moments led up to or built up to the bigger ones.
Life is as much in the minutia as it is in the fanfare.

My "take-away" lesson from that:

Be faithful in the small moments. Be brave and wily. Don't be afraid to take the road that looks a little dicey and scary. (I totally mean that metaphorically. Don't go driving down some nutty "deliverance" road and blame me for it.)  :O)

Be IN every single moment.

It's your life.
Do. Not. Miss. It.

-Living This Moment to the Full - Jeremiah 29:11
-Gina

Change - Bring It!

I've already started to pray about my word for 2013. 2012 was healing. I should have known I'd need to get broken a bit more to get fully fixed.  :O) 
So far, so good.

Anyways... that's just an FYI for my fellow "One Word" people.

I've been thinking a lot lately about change - that was 2011's word FYI. That is what made me think of my word for this year in the first place.
Anyhoo...
Lot's of people are terrified by it. I've got to admit that it scares me a bit.
If I am being totally honest though I get a charge from it too.
I love stepping out into the unknown and watching what God is going to do there.
I think that goes back to the journey that God has had me on for years and years.

When you focus so much on God in the "waiting" times, you tend to jump on change like a hamster on a wheel.

Right now my prayer list includes prayers for drastic changes needed in several lives. They are changes that people are begging God for - healing, babies, jobs and much more.

Me - I'm in for some major change. I've been unable to work since January.
Now - cleared to work - I'm ready to hit it up.

But guess what change is not so easy to find right now?

That's right - JOB!

I told Al tonight that I know God has the right place for me.
I just have zero clue as to where that could be.

Change - I'm all about it.
Bring it.

Changing,
Gina

Four Months - The Incredible Shrinking Woman

One of my sweet friends pointed out something the other day that I really appreciated.
She mentioned on my facebook wall that she knew this weight loss hadn't happened exactly the way I would have chosen.
It's something I've thought about a lot.
I've lost a little over 80 pounds now - that's like a 7th grader.
I'm now officially at a number that I never remember seeing on the scale. I actually think it is the weight I was when I moved away to college. But that was around the time I stopped weighing regularly so I'm not sure.
So very not my point. :O)
In 4 months I have changed insanely in many ways.
I'm off all medication except pain (back) and vitamins.
I've dropped 6 sizes at least.
I've changed the way I eat.
But so much of the struggle still exists with how I think.

I am well aware that many people who have gone through WLS gain weight back. Many of them re-start the habits that had gotten them to where they were previously. It is possible to eat way more than you should. It happens often.

4 months out I can tell you that scares me.
Because the surgery doesn't change your head. It only changes your body.
Yes, part of my rapid gain from the last two years came with the pain I was experiencing.
But before that happened I was at least 50 pounds overweight and had been for quite a while.
That did not happen rapidly. It crept up gradually by the choices that I made.
I won't get into the "how and why" of this because frankly - that's my issue.
As honest as I always hope to be in life, I am also always going to be protective of some areas because they just aren't public stuff!  :O)  Some things are just private.

Anyhoo

If I had my choice (as my friend Kim mentioned) I'd have loved to take a bit of the slow road down. I would have chosen to try to work through my food issues while working through my other issues.
But that wasn't going to happen for me.
I had been there and done that and things were getting steadily and progressively worse.

At 35 I was on high blood pressure medicine, had sleep apnea, getting ready to start cholesterol medication, and was slowly destroying several discs in my spine.

I was a mess. I was in pain every second of every day.
I was miserable.

I do not want to head back that way.

So at just past my 4 month mark I wanted to get some things down "for the record."
I think this is probably mostly for me. If I ever think that the fight against "old me" isn't worth it, these words are here to remind me.
"Old me" spent a lot of time miserable and in pain.
"New me" is starting to remember what moments without pain can be like... and more will come.

-G

Love - It's Not for the Faint of Heart

I've been re-reading some of my old journal entries over the last few days.
I am so very thankful that I have been at least semi-faithful to journaling since 1994. I always wish I had done a better job. Thankfully I have many, many things written down.
For some reason I was struck tonight by the realization that over the years loving people has just not been a fun deal sometimes.
Ok so I know that it reads a bit weird.
"But we're supposed to love people Gina!" "God commands it."
Certainly He does. We love naturally most of the time because people love us back. God loved us first, so we love Him.
A few years back I wrote in my journal something that was a revelation to me at the time.
Many times for us to really love - we must chose to love.
We must chose to love people because sometimes, ok a lot of the time, we human-type people are just flat out unlovable.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I know me pretty well.
Grouchy Gina
Un-happy Gina
Tired Gina
Not getting her way Gina.
All of those are pieces of me that can be pretty dang un-lovable.
Love is a choice at some of the most critical junctures of our lives.
We chose to love when we look past the sarcastic answer and don't fight back in kind.
We chose to love when the person we love hurts us.
We chose to love when we look to the person behind the obvious hurt or the not so obvious hurt that they carry.
We chose to love when we reach out to the person that makes our stomach curl by their appearance or attitude.
We chose to love in a hundred different ways.
Or...
We chose not to love.

No matter the season or reason for it, our love comes down to a choice.
   And even though right now it may seem like an easy choice.
        It will not always be that easy.
So determine in your heart and mind at this moment.
    That when the moment comes
        You will make the choice to love.
No. Matter. What.

Love on
-Gina

Marriage and Other Fun Things

I promise you that I will come back here soon and post some info about the wedding and life since.
As can be expected, the weeks leading up to the wedding were hectic health and other wise.
So I'm a wee bit behind.
I'll post one of my favorite wedding shots and call this puppy "updated" for a day or so.  :O)

You've Been Through a Lot

So I just passed the 2 month date on my surgery.
But the first surgery has almost been overshadowed at this point.
Who am I kidding? It's absolutely been overshadowed.
I went to see Dr. Roller today for a checkup from my gall bladder removal.
When his nurse was checking me in she kept commenting on the week that I was in the hospital and the two ER trips. She said she just kept getting fax after fax and could not believe it.
For those keeping score - Gall Bladder removed. Kidney Stent placed. DVT in arm within 5 days.
It's a lot.
And in case I am tempted to try and forget that - every. single. doctor reminds me!
Tomorrow it looks like I will be calling my kidney doc again because of an ongoing issue that shall not be named.
In the mean time, I await a referral to a hematologist. We're hoping to get an "all clear" to get me off of the blood thinners... which may help the "issue that shall not be named" as well. :O)

So - for those following along at home still. I have lost almost 60 pounds. It actually might be a little quicker but my current issue (thanks to the gall bladder removal in great part) is an almost complete aversion to just about every food imaginable.

I thank God for the original surgery. Without it the week long hospital visit and the aftermath would have been worse.
The gall bladder (which wasn't the worst the doctor had seen, but was pretty ugly) and kidney stone episode would have happened. But I would have been a brand new patient for all the surgeon's involved.
Instead of that, I had a top notch surgeon ready to go and familiar with me.

So many things to be thankful for! 

Wedding is in barely over two weeks. This past 9 months of engagement has been nothing like I had planned. But on 9/1 I get to become Mrs. Davis. So all-in-all things are just grand.
:o)
-Gina

It's Been a Long, Hard, Weird Road

Yikes people.
My life since the last time I blogged has been a roller coaster both physically and emotionally.
I can't sugar coat it. It's kinda sucked. :O)

Sunday July 22nd went to the ER in the afternoon (about 5 pm) thinking I had a kidney stone lodged somewhere.
I had already been through several days of not being able to keep anything - food or liquid or meds - down so I was pretty sure that I was also severely dehydrated.
Multiple tests, pokes, prods and vomiting hours later they finally settled on a kidney stone and multiple gall stones.
My weight loss surgeon (WLS) does gall bladders too so he asked for me to be admitted.
I didn't leave the hospital until Thursday afternoon.
The gall bladder was removed on Tuesday.
I was still in a lot of pain (and not able to keep anything on my stomach). They were pushing fluids in me which is a part of the reason why I stayed in the hospital for this whole time. The problem was that my veins were shot and kept blowing and such (whatever that means).
They wanted to put me into surgery again and help my kidneys... but I thought they were getting better (and all tests seemed to point that way too) so I said no let's do medicine and see if we can avoid that...
I was out of the hospital on Thursday night.

I ended up back in the ER on Friday morning - different ER on the advice of my WLS.
Dehydrated again.
Multiple sticks and prods to try and get IV's in.
Call to kidney doc - surgery to put in stint.
Surprisingly they let me go home.
On the way home, my arm felt weird and was a bit swollen but I was so happy to go home I barely noted it.
About 4 am I awake to find my hand and much of my left arm swollen badly.

6 am - back to the ER where the doctor sounds the alarm bell quickly. But I still didn't know why!

Diagnoses - left arm has blood clots. One is on the surface. One is deeply embedded in my upper arm (DVT).
I'm actually thankful that, at the time, I didn't know how dangerous that was. Everyone was freaked out. I was (in the words of the ER doc) "oddly calm."
I think that was God's protection on me honestly.

So the last few days have been a blur of pain meds, self-administered blood thinning shots, and pills.

Every day gets a little better.
I am thankful for much.

Wedding in less than a month now - YIPES.
Pray with us that what needs to get done, get's done. And that my stress level stays nice and low. :O)
-Gina

Things Normal People Wouldn't Tell You - The Sausage Ball Incident

So in my quest for protein I came up with the thought of trying sausage balls. Sausage, Cheese, Cream Cheese. Bisquick not the best.
But a girl's gotta do something.
So I get a recipe that my friend Melissa was kind enough to e-mail me. She is always posting something insanely good it seems like. These guys were no different.

Anyhoo.. the recipe was super but is besides the point of the story.
Let me start off by explaining some things.
I cook. But I tend to cook the same things over and over again. Right now, I can only eat about 1/2 cup of food at a time. So whatever I cook it either needs to work for me or be something that I can can give away.

You should also know that I've just recently discovered the wonders of cooking things on parchment paper. If you are cooking bread-less things it helps stuff not stick.

Now on to the sausage balls. Since I'm all in love with the parchment paper I decided to cook them on a cookie sheet covered with it.

An important thing to note is that parchment paper begins to get all crispy and burned at certain temperatures... one of which I found last night.

About 5 minutes into cooking the sausage balls I began to smell the paper burning.
No problem at all really. I'll just pop that out and take the parchment paper out.

The real moment of truth in most of my stories is the moment where my sense of humor and ingenuity meet. Such is the case with this story.

I decide that it would be easier/quicker/more fun to just yank the parchment paper out from underneath those cute little culinary delights. Certainly they will end up neatly on the cookie sheet.
Not so much

We could also call this the story of the flying sausage balls. Cause baby... that's what happened next.  :O)
Several of them ended up in salvageable places.
At least two of them ended up underneath the dishwasher. ewwwww.

Lesson learned and I now pass it onto you.
Never yank parchment paper off of a cookie sheet with  food on it.
Just. Don't.  :O)

Here ends the lesson.
-Gina the non-chef.

Oh - and for those of you who will most likely be asked to consume these guys. NONE of the next batches ended up on the floor.

One Month - Surgerversery. :O)

Well we made it to the 1 month mark. It's been one month since my surgery.
We've had some interesting ups and downs.
I know some people will find these posts because they are considering having a weight loss surgery.
That's what I did. I scoured the web for people's stories.
So in all fairness I have to say a few things.
It's been a tough month.

Just days after I began eating actual food (about 2 weeks ago) I ended up in the emergency room.
When several things in your abdomen have been messed with, you decide pain of any kind is worrisome.
So extreme pain is not a good sign. After hours of intensifying pain I gave up and went to the ER.
Verdict - Kidney stone.
Oh. My. Goodness. Please merciful Lord let me never do that again.
I've lived with some pretty extreme pain over the last two years with all the back issues.
This little stone put those in their place.
What it also did was skew my eating experience.
Nausea is a side effect. So I soon discovered that a big part of those first few days of problem eating (and subsequent hurling) was coming from the stone and not the surgery.

I reminded myself tonight that today marks two weeks of solid foods.
I'd be lying if I said it hadn't been a challenge.
My body has changed. My stomach has definitely changed.
My tastes have changed.
I'm having to relearn some very basic things.

I think my biggest lesson was to slow down.
Now that I'm a ways into this deal I know to take a small bite - chew it for a minute. Then wait another whole minute before another bite. It seems extreme. But it is the only way to really pay attention to how much is going in.
My total volume at each meal is 1/2 cup. It doesn't sound like much to you but it's an overwhelming amount most times.

I'm sitting at around 31 pounds total loss still. While the scale has not moved much in 2 weeks my body has. I knew there would have to be some catching up.

I'm guessing I'll start losing again in the next week or so.

Meanwhile - I have a wedding dress to try and buy.
I have to find a new place for future hubs and I to live come 9/1.
I have a ton of things to get rid of to make way for my new life.
I have almost a wedding shower a weekend.

Summary - I have a LOT to do.

If I had it to do over again, I think I might have tried to space out the whole marriage and drastic surgery just a tad.  :O)

Live and learn people.

-Gina

Two Weeks

Well it's been an adventure for sure.
There are lots of things that people can tell you to prepare for after a surgery like this.
Then there is the reality of what actually happens. That's going to be different for every person.
As for me, it's been rocky, but not too rocky.
I've had ups and downs. I've had mental breakdowns. I've wanted to hide underneath something and just sleep the days away several times.
Overall the best thing I can say is "I'm making it."
I saw my primary care doctor this morning to check my blood pressure out. At the beginning of the weekend (Friday) I realized that my bp was dipping pretty low and making me sick.  I couldn't stand long enough to even do something simple - like take a shower - without passing out.
Ugh - miserable feeling that. I do not recommend it.
By the time I saw my pcd my bp was back to a normal level. So that's the end of blood pressure medicine for me - woo.

As of this morning I've lost just shy of 30 pounds. The doctor kept saying things like "that's two weeks" "wow" over and over again. He was super pleased with my progress so far. Oh and he called me the incredible shrinking woman. :O)
I have to say I'm pretty pleased as well.
My body is definitely have issues adjusting to so much change so fast. That also helps account for the whoozy feelings. Also I have weird food cravings that smack me out of nowhere.

The changes are radical and hard to describe.
I'm trying to catch my equillibrium.
Mostly I'm looking forward to Thursday. That'll be my follow up appointment and the end of the "liquidpalooza" that my body has been enduring since 6/10.
Oh solid foods.... how I have missed you!  :O)

Well that's it from here.
I still need your prayers as I recover. There is still a long road ahead.
Plus - did I mention I'm getting married in like 60 days? What????

:O)

-Gina

Surgery - Weight Loss Journey

I've always tried to be open in my life. There are some things that are clearly private. There are also some things in life that need to be shared for our own good.
This post is about one of those things!
I've been pretty open on this blog in the past about my struggles with weight.
My struggles started in puberty and just compounded themselves year after year.
I would lose weight and gain it over and over again.
I have done just about every weight loss fad, program and diet that you can imagine.
I've been very successful a few times.
About two years ago I started to have major issues with  my back.
Walking, sitting, and standing for any length of time became a struggle.
Gradually I put on weight... then more weight.
At the end, I was the heaviest I have ever been.
Those of you who lived through the last few years are aware I tried everything doctors recommended to get some weight off and take the pressure off of my spine.
I went to neurosurgeons, spinal specialists, chiropractors, and pain management doctors.
I managed some relief but there were no long term solutions.
I prayed and prayed for some kind of breakthrough that would end the pain that seemed to stretch out for years ahead of me.

In the process of all of this, one of the neurosurgeons suggested something that I never wanted. It is in fact on of the things I swore I would never do. It seemed so drastic. It was so permanent. It was so scary.

I told myself if one person, other than this doctor, suggested it again I would at least investigate it.
So when my specialist followed the same logic, I began to investigate.
About seven months ago I began this new journey towards Weight Loss Surgery.

I am very blessed to have in Northwest Arkansas one of the top surgeons in the country - Dr. Roller.
After a lot of prayer and questions, I began the process towards a Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass.

On June 12 I finally had my surgery. Many of you knew about the surgery but most of you had no idea what I was actually undertaking.

As of tomorrow I am at 1 week post-op.
The last week has been tough. I don't want to sugar coat this journey for anyone because this kind of thing is no 'quick-fix' solution.
It's a complete life change.

I think I've written enough tonight. After my first month I am going to start posting pictures and such so y'all can keep tabs.
As for now, I need some sleep.
Thanks for reading, caring and praying!
-Gina

When the "Not" Is Likely

Without going to far into my situation... let's just say that things still have not worked out as I expected.
Going back to my last post - We seem to be in the fire without the deliverance... YET.
It's easy to say that God is in control when things are going as you planned and wanted.
It's not so easy to claim that reminder when things are not.
And if I hadn't said it yet - I'm living in the "Not."
Things have not gone as I hoped.
They may still work out as originally expected, but that looks less and less likely.

Do I still believe that God is in control?
Yes.
Without question - Yes.
Do I have a clue what is going to happen?
Nope.
So what happens now?
What happens when the uncertainty continues?
What happens when the 'certain yes' starts to be a no?

Life. Goes. On.

I'm not into backup plans.
I am into God's plan.
So I will wait.
I will pray.
I will see God's provision in His timing.

Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

-Gina