Change

So that's my word for 2011. And it still scares me.
But I know that things have to be different.
Yes I am still being vague.
Yes that is intentional.
This week has seen some subtle movements in my life that I pray are the indicators that something is about to give.
I believe that God is still working.
Why? If you go back and read the post right before I posted about my chosen word for the year... you'll notice my closing hope. I posted this while I was still struggling to pick my word!!

"I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change."

 

It was meant to be. :O)

For now. I need some time away to think, sing and pray.

God is good to me, much better than I could even ask.

I've been going back in my mind to a pivotal place in my life. A physical place where God showed me something amazing. The Beth Moore study I am doing mentioned last night that sometimes if you think you've strayed from God's place you need to go back to the place you last met Him powerfully. I think, I shall.

 

I await His movement and change.

-Ginabob

A Prelude: My Prayer

Where I am tonight.

Praying for Change

My One Word

For years I have always named my year. One year was "Joy." One year was "Faithfulness."
My year is always something that I need to work on that year or something that I hope for.
Some years are a promise from God to me of where we are going that year.
One of my blogging peeps does the same type thing. This year she is challenging people in this area via her blog. FYI... if you don't read this blog make it a MUST visit!


This year I have had trouble finding my word.
Due, in great part, to my struggles of the last few months (that blog is still to come I promise!) I have not chosen a word yet.
I have prayed, read and thought. Nothing seemed obvious. Nothing seemed right.
I have been a bit discouraged by this fact.
Today as I was reading over some of the other "One Word" people... it hit me.

Change

It's a scary word for me. I am resisting it honestly. I think I'm blogging it so I can't back out.

Change

More to come on this... I am sure. I'm still trying to talk myself out of having heard this!

Change, Changing, Changed
-Gina

It Ain't Over...Till It's Over

So after 6 weeks or so hiatus (unintentional), I’m writing two posts today.

One to publish and one to hang on to for a bit

It’s not that I want to be dishonest with anyone.

But sometimes telling things before their time could cause problems.

I don’t think that I will hold onto it long before hitting send.

I believe that people learn more from the end of our stories if they know the middle.

So hopefully after the first of the year I’ll be coming back and hitting send after I’ve had a few conversations.

In the meantime…

I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change. :o)

I hope and pray that you all can say the same.

Hang in my friends.

2010 may not have been all we hoped. But it ain’t over until it’s over!

AND 2011 is a big package waiting to be unwrapped.

-Gina

Taking a Step Back

One thing seems clear in this little internal fight I'm in.
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.

One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.

Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.

But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.

So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.

There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.

I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.

-Gina

Silence

So little bit of an unintentional blog break there...

I wanted to check back in here to  let you all know that I am still alive!
Doctor # 2... 3 possibly has now said that some of these issues that I am struggling with physically are stress induced.
STRESS

Yeah - I get that.

So I am re-evaluating some things.

One recurring theme here is sleep, actually the lack of sleep.

So the first step is to work on making sleepy time Gina's rituals a little better.

Any other insomniacs out there wanna chime in with what works for them?

-Working on the obvious
Gina

It's a Lie.

I'm thinking of recording some videos for myself.
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina

Whatever

So much I want to say but I just can't get there right now.
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.

But I just did tell you.

Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.

One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.

So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)

But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.

So come what may I intend to keep this up.

I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days.  And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.

Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.

-Gina

It's not a big step, but it is a step...

Well a few thousand of them to be exact.
For Baby Step # 1 I chose to amp up my walking again. I really like walking for exercise. It relaxes me. And I remember back when I was hitting 20,000 steps a day (yep... 20,000) I loved it.
And I remember thinking how much better I felt walking instead of sitting like the blob.
sooo - off we go.
And off I go.
God and I need some quality time tonight I can tell by my attitude.
-Gina

Baby Stepping (aka... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie)

Those of you who know the movie "What About Bob?" may recognize that little title.
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.

So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!

"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)

So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.

So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change... and then add in other changes.
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.

I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.

Hope y'all are all well.

As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina

We're Not Done Yet

I'm tempted tonight to write another one of my "things normal people don't tell you" stories. And I think I will take a chance on that in a few days.  We could all use some chuckles right?

Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)

While we wait for suggestions...

Let's talk honesty.

Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.

Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.

But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.
 
So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)

Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.

Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.

If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........

But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay.  :O)

The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.

So

I am not quitting.

We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.

Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.

Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter

It is What it Is

I keep trying again to think of something to write. I like to be helpful. Maybe uplifting.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.

Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."

It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!

But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.

Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.

I know... your life is also far from perfect

You went straight out of college into your dream job and have never doubted your calling

Again - far from perfect

I heard someone say the other day that they were waiting on God for something and they had to wait like 6 WHOLE MONTHS for the answer. I seriously, wanted to slap them (don't spread that around m'kay)

Some of us are serial wait-ers. You married your sweetie, only to see that life crumble. You married the love of your life, but children didn't follow. You never quite landed that dream job... or any job for that matter. You've lived your life single, with no prospects of that changing. You've watched as 30, 40, 50 years have passed and realized your dream life was no longer a possibility.

Wait

Waiting

But what do we wait for? For some reason lately when I think of waiting I think of the verse in the NT about grief. 1 Thessalonians 4:13

The verse is talking about death but really it's talking about hope.

We do not grieve like those who have no hope.

I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.

What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting

I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.

I just don't believe in hopeless.

Give me the Courage to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

So a couple of years ago as I was going through a rough patch I really latched onto the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Something about this prayer resonates with the uncontrollable nature of life. At the time in my life that I really dug into this the part that hit me was the part about accepting what I could not change. It felt like a lot at the time. I couldn't change the past - decisions that I had made and things that had happened. I couldn't change some of the circumstances at the time. I couldn't change other people.

I had to learn to accept things where they were. That was step one in this long process... and that was almost 5 YEARS ago.  5 YEARS... Wow.

Step two - Wisdom to recognize what I can change and the courage to CHANGE.

Today I went to find this poem, to write this blog, and I find there is more to it.

The more feels so much like a nugget that was just hiding for me today.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life

It is not where I want it. There is still much more change ahead. There are tough steps still ahead. 

There is change.

Change can be scary.

But today:

I will embrace change, no matter how scary it is.

I will fully love the life that God has given me and live it to the fullest.

I will not hide behind fat or fear.

I will face tomorrow and forget yesterday.

I will accept what can't be changed and work to change what must.

I will be where I am, because where I am is where God has me for this moment.

-How are my peeps?

-G

It's Been a Week

Well it's been a little bit. I'm still trying to pop in here once a week or so. So far, so good.
August is here... it's hot.
That's all I have to say about that!


This past week was a tough one.

Early on in the week we got a phone call that one of our sweet volunteers had been in a terrible car accident. We were given no details, just told she was in critical condition and to pray.
News the next day was not good.

Life Support
Brain dead
No hope

My heart broke. By the week's end two people that I respected greatly had left us to go be with our heavenly Father. One I knew rather well after four years of working with her in different roles. One I knew only in passing. He was a spiritual hero of mine. An incredible man who lived literally until the last day to share Christ and make disciples.  She was a hero of mine too - someone who served tirelessly behind the scenes... never asking for credit or reward.

My heart broke last week... repeatedly.
Tough week.
While I rejoice for their struggles to be over on this earth I mourn for their families and friends. Life lived without these two is a little less bright. Heaven and the prospect of heaven got a little sweeter.

You get thoughtful when weeks like last week come.
You spend a lot of  time thinking about life and death - about the legacy that your life is building.
You grieve. You examine. You weep.

It's the ups and downs all wrapped together that make our lives what they are. It is the good and the bad that shape us. It is how we react, how we walk this life, that tells a lot about who we are.

Tonight I'm thinking about what this next week holds: two funerals - one wedding.
Life... it goes on.

I am determined to not waste a second of it.
I am determined to build the legacy that Christ desires.
I am determined to follow the lessons of making disciples and serving others that I have seen modeled so well.

No regrets. No words left unsaid. Live life well. Live life fully.

-G

The Cupcakes that I Wish Weren't There

I do pretty good when people are around.
I was about to say "I don't know why that is" but I know EXACTLY why that is.
I always feel like people are judging my choices.
So when we're in the big room with everyone celebrating I can absolutely turn that yummy, frosting-heavy, cupcake away.
If, however, it sits in the fridge or on the counter afterward, it becomes a bit more difficult.
People sometimes joke about food talking to them.
Somehow it's true... there is an awareness that whatever it is: in this case - yummy, frosting-heavy cupcakes, still reside in their happy box in the fridge... not 50 feet away.

And my brain - especially on days like this - when stress pounds and my heart is hurt (will write about that later) - my brain wants to just down a freakin cupcake!

But today I'm not going to.

Today I am going to resist and pray that tomorrow and the day after I can as well.

When the cupcakes leave they are always replaced by something else. That is what it means to be obsessed with food. That is what it means to mentally, physically know that the food will, even just for a moment silence what hurts you. It's what it means to have an actual problem with food itself.

Yep. Today I'm facing my problem head on... but I'm not gonna lie to you... today that fight kinda sucks.

Hoping my peeps are all well.

Keep going!
-G

Thankful!

It's been a while since I've written on my "weighty" topics.  So I wanted to get some updates in.

I was reminded today by a sweet, sweet friend who is walking this weight loss road with me that even GOOD events can be stress in your life.

And these past few weeks have had some good stress.  :O)

Since I am typically a very emotional eater I have noticed one pretty drastic change in this last week.

I am fully here and feeling my emotions as they come and NOT eating through them.
And - I have survived that.

I am back on track this time - and I'm just believing that it's for good.
No stopping the momentum this time - no ma'am!

So here's my update on where I've asked to be held accountable.

Exercise - taking a little break while I adjust to some food changes
Food - Woot - On track
Food Tracking - Woot - On track!
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm - Oh dang... um not so much.  Adjust.  :O)
Water - Woot - On track!

I am pretty much just in the groove again and doing great.
I'm at 17 lbs total lost since I started "The Fight" on my blog.
Yee-stinking-haw!

How are my peeps?

Have a great weekend!

-Gina

Eventful!

What a crazy few days it's been.
Let's start with the SO fun, fun news!

I got to be present at a friend's engagement. Her guy totally surprised all of us. A few of us had it figured out a little early... but at this point in the night we had no idea.

We did dinner together and then headed out for some letter boxing (which I had never heard of before).
Our future bride-to-be navigated for us.
We walked around this beautiful place (I have few pictures but pictures do exist!) and laughed and talked.
Then we finally hit the spot for the treasure.
David (groom to be) had Andrea navigating still and had prepared this fun poem and riddle. Then at the end of it it said to turn around to the one who is kneeling behind you.
Happy Couple:

SO stinking sweet.
What a great night!

Meanwhile we are all about to die from heat exhaustion (I kid... I kid...) so we followed up the sweet proposal with some sweets from Cold Stone.
All in all a super night.

So this morning I come into work to find out that my friend Tiffany has gone into labor.
Tiff and her husband David (could she look any more beautiful going into labor? - seriously disgusting!)

Little Molly Cate will be here any minute now and I cannot wait to kiss her little cheeks!

Could the week get any more exciting?!?!  I challenge it too... because what FUN.  :O)

Random

Because I can't quite seem to break this batch of writer's block, I figured I would just tell you some random things that I am thinking of tonight.

1. Fanta always makes me think of Ukraine because when you went to any restaurant instead of asking what you wanted to drink they would say "colafantasprite?"

2. Speaking of Ukraine, I was almost hit by a car there with my good friend Donna. It seriously crashed just FEET in front of us and right into a building.

3. I have broken the pinky toes on both of my feet. The left one I broke by kicking a table leg when I was in high school. The right one I broke by kicking the bottom of a weight set a few years back. It hurts - a lot. I was not angry either time. The last time I broke it the morning of a Razorback Game and I still walked all the way to Razorback Stadium and back on it. It hurt - a lot. :O)

4. I love being in plays and musicals. I just don't do it anymore because I don't have the time. But I still dream that I am in a play and haven't been prepared for it - don't know the lines and songs.

5. I was once walking beside my brother in a parking lot and I just tripped over my own feet and went down like a sack of potatoes. I am pretty sure he thought I had dropped dead. I fall - a lot.  :O)

6. I like playing the piano and singing in an almost perfectly dark church with just a piano light. It is soothing and worshipful and some of my best "me and God" moments were there.

7. My absolute favorite worship moment was at the Broadmoor hotel in Colorado Springs. I was by myself in this out of the way lobby playing on a grand. I started playing the Midnight Cry - "I hear the sound, of a mighty rushing wind." and a storm came over the mountain with wind that shook the windows of the hotel. It continued to howl the whole time I sang.

8. I write songs - music and lyrics but I stopped a few years ago. It is a silence in my heart that I continue to hope breaks soon.

9. My brother Jeff always called my future husband "Biff the Biblical Stud."  We had a name for his future wife, but I don't remember it, because he and Amelia got married before we had time to really use it much.

10. I hate mice. I once stepped on a mouse in the dark in my bare feet. It was NOT a good experience.

11. My hands shake for no reason that anyone can find. Which sometimes makes it difficult to hold a mic when I sing. Adrenaline makes it worse... which makes me look nervous a lot of times when I am not. I dislike this about myself very much.

12. Has anyone really read the other 11? Really? Ok. My house, car, and desk are a disaster area. Try as I might I have not found the secret to killing the clutter in my life.

13. I once was involved in a fight over a monopoly game that turned ugly enough we had to leave the house. All four of us still cannot agree. Well two of us agree. It's two against two actually.

14. I like cartoons more than any woman my age should.

15. I need to end this list on a multiple of 5. I don't know why. I just do.

-G'night!

Shh..

I have tried twice to write what's on my heart tonight and I just can't.
Maybe tomorrow?
Just wanted to check in and say that I'm still kicking.
I'm seriously just not giving up this time, no matter how much change truly scares me.
Prayers? Yeah... that'd be good about now.
-G

I Miss Me

So I've been absent for a little while.
You can always count on that as a sign that something is happening for good or bad... hmm... I guess that's usually bad because good stuff I always manage to make time for.
Let's not analyze that m'kay?

Once again I can say honestly, though there have been many stumbles, I am learning a LOT about myself.
It is this foundation that I hope I can start to build the healthy me on.

I'm 34, and still learning what makes me tick.  I hope that's normal?!  I don't care really if it is or not I guess, cause it's normal for me. :O)

Today for some reason I have been thinking about fearnessless.

Specifically I've been thinking about how fearless we start out in life.
When we are little we have to be told not to touch the hot oven, stick metal into electric sockets, or other random examples (you moms can fill in those blanks).

Those are good things to avoid, but somewhere along the way we get messages from life or wherever that let fear creep into us in other ways.

Fear that other people won't approve of us or like us.
Fear that you are just a big screw up (that's not just me right??).
Fear that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Fear of snakes (totally valid FYI).
Fear of clowns (See above re validity).
Fear of not fitting in.

Fear.

I kinda hate it.

While I have battled with it in various forms throughout life, I have realized that I have just let it have its way in other areas.

And instead of dealing with it, I've been avoiding.
I have some super methods for avoiding things and avoiding feeling things.
And I am working on chipping those away.

I miss me. Lately I just think I've been too much in avoidance mode. And when I get there the fun Gina takes a back seat again.

I like fun Gina a bunch. There is a mix between serious Gina and fun Gina. There needs to be balance. But fun Gina has been off more than on for a bit.
We're inviting her back to the party.
I like things better that way.

How are my peeps?  Check in with me either e-mail or comments.  I like to know!

-Fun Gina