J-O-Y - Part Two

Previously on this blog…  :O)

You are pre-warned - this is insanely long!

So now I’m worried.
Well not worried - concerned? I honestly didn’t realize that so many of you would get SO caught up in waiting for news. Who knew that many (any) people would be interested? And now I’m thinking you’re totally going to be like “whatever” when you find out I’m not:
1.) Engaged (which was like 100 of your guesses - possibly an exaggerated number or possibly not - seriously people when that happens. There will not be secrecy there will be blimps, fireworks, parties and billboards. (do you know me at all?!?  :O)
2.) Moving
3.) Quitting or some other massive life change

But interested you were and engaged I’m not.

When last we left it was Friday night and I was desperately listening and waiting for God to move.

Friday-DAY I had so much work to do. I was entering checks, listening to classes, doing the normal Friday shuffle.
But God kept knocking.
And I kept having to put it off and feeling more and more desperate for the time to listen. I can’t explain this feeling.  I mean, I work at a church for heaven’s sake but I felt like I couldn’t stop long enough to process and had to just push it down over and over again.

Desperate. To. Hear.

Oh I am sorry I think this may get long because of how many things I have to explain to explain how COOL this was for me… and WHY I was so excited at the way so much unfolded. I’m tempted to break it up into another blog but I think some of you would kill me.

Years ago I started praying something very, very specific. It’s actually even pre-blog days so that’s why I have to explain and can’t just link. I started to pray for God to change my name based on Jacob wrestling with God and God changing his name. At the time I started praying it I didn’t have a complete concept of what it meant. But I knew I needed change. Over the course of that year (I think 2004) I realized that at that time my “name” was fear. I was afraid of so much in my life. I wanted my name to be (Fear Not).

Specifically I knew with no doubt that God was asking me to sing/speak in front of people something to which I had repeatedly said NO, NOPE, NO-WAY - uh-UH. You hearing me?  :O) I had tried. It had not worked. I had freaked out. I was afraid. And Praise Team? Please! all those thousand eyes staring back - ain’t no way folks.   F_E_A_R took over even thinking about it.

So 2005-ish (I need my journal here… and don’t have it) God radically changed my name via a super lady named Candi. She encouraged me to get on out there and start singing. Really this deserves its own post! This led to not only singing in a ladies group on the “big stage” on a Sunday morning in front of thousands but to leading worship at a retreat, helping to lead at other events, and in a step that is miraculous beyond the explaining if you haven’t walked the road with me, singing by myself at both a wedding and a church service).
All that led to me finally stepping up and trying out for Praise Team for church and being blessed to be able to sing actually hold a mic and sing in the place I had sworn I would never, ever stand.
That picture and thought still brings me to tears because it was so beyond me. I’m not the most talented by so far but to be able to be used was/is amazing.

See “fear” my old name had been changed to FEAR NOT. I marked that occasion (the first one) with a silver ring engraved with those words which I still wear. It was to remind me that no step onto any stage or podium will ever be my power.

Ok - enough back story - back to 2010 people.  Still here?

Friday night - desperation is setting in and I start praying for God to start to speak gently please. I can’t take radical this weekend. I have two finals and two papers. K? Thanks.

When I finally put head to pillow on Friday night it is with much prayer that God would reveal the whatever. And I’m thinking at this point that I’m getting a clue.
We’ve slipped a bit because there is a word that is back in my vocabulary in a big, big way.

Guesses?

Fear.  Afraid of what comes next. I’m graduating in December. What happens then? What will the next year bring? So many things seem up in the air right now and I and not in control.

Fear.  But God had already changed my name. What happens now? I’m a MESS. Is God through? What is next?

Somewhere in the middle of Friday I was sent a blog link to Travis Cottrell which I read on Saturday night

Now it’s long too - so I won’t make you read it (but you SO should)
But here is an excerpt:

“There is nothing God cannot do.

So in conclusion, please hear this: Fear not.

Fear not.

God has not left you. God has not chosen you to be the one who has circumstances or mental and emotional make-up that is beyond change. Your struggles, your mountain, your pain is not beyond Him. Who are we to ever be so presumptuous to think that we would actually be the ones who have issues beyond the reach of God's power?”

Gina Here again….
aka Fear Not.

WOW

I sat there - literally on the floor - just sobbing. Cause if you ever asked for God to just come right out and tell you something and maybe tailor it RIGHT to you. Well then there you have it.

Saturday night the burdens of numerous months lifted in moments because of one reminder.

Gina - I changed your name - Fear not. I’m not done with you.

Circumstances have not changed. Still have no answers but I am not afraid because God reminded me that he already changed my name.

Fear. Not.

Oh - and cause God’s just like that… and likes to reinforce reminders… I got to be on Praise Team THIS Sunday - i.e..THE Sunday that would be the day after He chose to rock my world.

And would anyone like to guess what Josh Stanbery’s devotional was for the morning of Sunday, March 14th for the Praise Team??
Cause you’re kinda not going to believe it people?  :O)
Really - you’re not…

Jacob - wrestling with God - and God changing his name.

Believe it or not - the 2 ½ page version that you just read/scanned IS the recap version. Because there are details that are too personal to recount for blog-land. And there are other details that I think I may share later. I can't help it. God is good and you don't want to keep that to yourself!!!!!

But let me rephrase what I said on twitter.

May I never get over: where God has taken me from, what He has brought me through and what He is doing! So good. He is SO good.

It's about the J-O-Y - Part 1

As promised a little peek at the weekend though I am sure that no words do it justice.
Let's just go back to Friday. We could go back further. But Friday was the beginning of this little joy-sprout so it seems like a good place to start.
Oh, maybe Thursday night.... yeah let's go there for just a second!
Ok - so my lack of sleep might possibly interfere with this little diatribe but some of you are just chomping at the bit!

Thursday night was a marathon of class watching and in the middle of it God started knocking. Sometimes God is subtle - He whispers. Sometimes, not so much and the Thursday/Friday combo was of the not so subtle variety.

I have been so stressed out about the details of everything working out. How am I going to get all these pages read? I have no more papers in me right now. How in the world can I write 21 pages? I have no energy. I have barely slept for weeks. I am spent. <---- Gina's mindset circa Thursday/Friday morning.

Knock/knock - God on Thursday  -
Hi Gina you're really stressing out here. You do realize you don't have to go this alone right?
Me - Eh - it's just a couple of paper, pages, no sleep, life is crazy, general things I can't blog about rightnownuttynessinsomanywayshtaticantevenfindspacesforitkindalife... I'll be fine thanks.
God - Ok

Thursday night I barely slept. Frankly I cried almost the entire night because I was so tired.stressed.frantic.tired.emotional.worried.TIRED.

Friday - Work.

Knock/Knock - God on Friday
I'm not sure exactly at what point in my day on Friday this occurred but I do remember walking over to my friend Tiffany's office and confessing I was fairly certain God was speaking and I had (GET THE IRONY HERE) no TIME to listen!
Somehow the day passed on Friday (if you Facebook/twitter) you noticed that God got some shots in there during the day as well) and I made it home determined that no matter what it took and even if it meant that something didn't get done, I was listening.

And Speak. He. Did.

Now I don't want to cliffhanger you - but I'm gonna - because this girl is working on 4 hours sleep. While it's been an incredible day (Thanks to many things and people) it's been exausting.
So I wanted to set your minds at ease (since some of you had some crazy, nutty theories that I had some insanely good news up my sleeves)
-G-night from G-Joy.

Compassion: Kenya

I've been following the bloggers who've been on the Compassion trip in Kenya. So many times on these trips I read these posts and just bawl thinking about the kids who have yet to be sponsored. So many kids who just need a ray of hope in their lives. $38 a month can make a huge difference. My own Compassion child (Grace) lives in Tanzania and I hope to get to see her in person someday. But until then I see her in so many of these faces on so many of these trips.
The post today by Brad just broke me and I wanted to share it with you guys.
If you have ever considered sponsoring STOP considering and go for it!
Father to the Fatherless

Ebenezer

I was positive that I had written about this before but I cannot find it anywhere.
So I'll mark my night/week/month/year by marking my ebenezer stone here on the blog.
Well - it's already in my journal... this is just maybe something for someone else.
You know I always say I hate to waste a lesson so that's why I share!  :O)

1 Sam 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

I really don't remember the first time I heard this analogy. I have a feeling it was Beth Moore, cause Beth is just like that! But it's a term I have used many times since the first time I heard it.

For me an Ebenezer is a marker in my life when God does something that is so astounding/profound that I have to put down some stones for posterity and say "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

It's a reminder of where I've been. I can pick up some of those markers (and some are actual physical rocks!) and I can know that God has been there with every step.

Ebenezer - Up to this moment, God has helped me.

I started to write a very different blog tonight but somewhere in the middle of it God just came down and I pulled away for a few hours. Because when God speaks I hope I always drop it all and listen.

Ebenezer

It's no secret. I've blogged it. I've tweeted it. I've facebooked it. I've talked about it with the people I love.
I have just felt broken, brokenhearted. A lot goes into that personally.
I have no doubt that I am His child. But God has in many ways seemed silent for a while in some key areas.
I was a bit angry about that. I needed a word, but no word seemed to come. So I went silent too. Two can play this bit.
I wrote a few weeks ago about fearing becoming Marah (bitter) and wanting to be Hephzibah. Still there was silence and brokenness.
And instead of retreating IN... I moved a little further away.

Tonight I revisited some of the old stones - Ebenezer.
There are places I remember, ugly places where God pulled me through. Ebenezer
There are joyful places where God revealed and I joyfully danced. Ebenezer
There were painful places where God gently led me and healed me. Ebenezer
There is a place - where God showed up and no one could doubt that something miraculous had happened.
Ebenezer

Ebenezer
Little markers to God's faithfulness.
Am I really doubting now that He is good and He does what is good? Am I really focusing on myself when His holiness and faithfulness have been my shield for so many years? Am I really arrogant enough to think that I can pick up just fine here now thankyouverymuch and do it by myself?

So I have wrestled with the brokenhearted-ness this time and come back again to the fact that "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

Tonight I have marked another ebenezer stone because, while I still have no answer I have a promise and I will hold it in my heart.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ebenezer

I Promise.. My Eyes are Brown

And I promise that there are pictures of me where I don't look possessed... but those pictures aren't rejects so they don't qualify.
Yes it's that time again. My friend Melissa's Photo Album Rejects day is here.


This picture comes from roughly 12 years ago. I'm sporting a dress that mortifies me to look at.  :O)
AND the expression. I'm not sure what that is. I will say that the person (and I cannot remember who he was) beside me has a similar expression! I'm on stage at the time, which makes this more mortifying - do I make faces like this often on stage?  I hope not?!?

Thanks Melissa for giving me a reason to air these.  I already have some good ones lined up for the upcoming months!
-Gina (I'm a she-devil) Bob

Wandering

So it's funny the different things that can trigger old emotions.
I've been battling a big trigger this week. I won't say what started it because I'm so not about talking specifics when it involves someone else who likely had NO idea what they triggered.
I can say that at 33 I still fight with some major insecurity. (And Yes... Beth Moore's new study is on my list if I can ever clear my current palate of 600 plus pages a week)
Insecurity... just the word in front of me makes me want to throw up right now.
Because even putting it here makes me vulnerable to the very type people and situations that started this little trigger.
Rejection and Insecurity

I think most people struggle with some form or fashion of insecurity. Me, I came by it early in life. I never seemed to fit in anywhere that I was. I always, always felt awkward and isolated.
I learned early to be funny because people who are laughing with you typically (not always) aren't laughing AT you.
It was a good defense - be charming and funny. But it didn't always work as a protector.
As I grew up I found my circle but there were still some places where I would never fit and that knowledge hurt me for years.
Frankly, this week due to some situations and conversations I was smack dab where my little defense mechanism couldn't do anything.
Rejected and insecure - and feeling like I was 9 again.
Ironically the older version of me, I realized, copes much the same as the earlier version.
She hides.
But isolating myself doesn't help because it makes me feel more rejected, isolated and insecure.
Enter yet another vicious cycle that I can find myself in the middle of and wondering how the heck I ended up in the same place again.
So this time, much earlier in the cycle I have to say (hooray for progress) I realized what has happened.
I can even realize what triggered the feeling and how it compounded.
So - lessons learned this round:
1. Other people are going to reject me and maybe just plain not like me.
2. I'm going to be ok with that.
3. Only one opinion matters in the end - God's. He certainly uses other people to get those opinions across from time to time, but ultimately He has the final say in priorities and other decisions (not anyone else).
4.  My opinion of myself could use some work and today is a good day to start working on that.
5. Letting anyone other than God set the tone of my day is a huge mistake that needs to be fixed as quickly as it gets off track.

-Gina
 - getting over myself one day at a time

No Really... It's Not That Profound

I don't know why, but I think that sounds like an appropriate title for my life lately.
Not that my life is meaningless or anything. This isn't an Eeyore post... I'm not about to go into a verse of "If it is a good day... which I doubt." 

I just find myself lately re-finding old revelations. As frustrating as it is for me right now God and I are covering some ground that I know very, very well.
My time in this particular wilderness journey is well traveled. Sure some of the details have changed.
But overall - same song - 900th verse.
Now this is actually not a complaint!
Go figure!
What I am saying is I've been here before, learning these lessons before and would have sworn last go round that we would not be needing a refresher course so soon.
But here we are.
In the same wilderness... AGAIN.
My first reaction on this non-profound realization was almost frustration until I realized something key.

I'm in the same wilderness learning some of the same lessons but I realized tonight in parsing through this that it's like anything you learn in life.

Repetition really is sometimes the key!

When I was learning to play the piano or the flute I would play the same pieces or scales over and over and over again until I knew it backwards and forwards. I would leave it and come back to it sometimes but I would keep at it because I wanted to really learn it.

So here I am.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

See... I told you that it wasn't all that profound.

I learned something my last patch through this particular desert. Metaphorically I learned not to drink the water from that well over there. It's bitter and makes you sick. Don't talk to that hermit. He smells bad and is grumpy. See that cave over there - BATS! Avoid. Don't stay too long at that oasis. It looks all good for a while but it's deadly.

I learned some things last time that are making this time through a little quicker. It's making my trip a little more enjoyable.

Maybe it's my last trip through this path. Maybe it's not. If it isn't... I'm making sure to take good notes this time (journal) because I don't want to miss a second.
Even the rough paths are valuable if you learn something.

Me - I'm still here wandering in a little bit of a circle for now. Just being honest! But I am learning something new this time. I'm not going to waste a second. I'm going to cherish even the weirdness because it's all bringing me to the place that HE has prepared for me.

Yep... This won't make the Album

Melissa is hosting a contest for photo album rejects and I thought it sounded like fun. First one off that came to mind is from my graduation party in 2006. I cropped out the people who instigated this face to protect the "innocent," but they know who they are. :O)



shudder....

Ice Storm 2010 - Update

1. Taking down the Christmas tree (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!) - DONE
2. Watching 8 hours worth of classes and 2 hours worth of presentations on OT 2 and the Poetry books of the OT. - SIGH
3. Reading Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and their corresponding chapters in said OT textbooks (somewhere close to 300 pages NOT counting the Bible itself) - I've made a GOOD clip at this and expect to be done tonight!
4. Writing a discussion board post on something... I think I should look that assignment up.  - OH - I need to look this up!
5. Pacing out my schedule to not get behind again. - NOPE
6. Figuring out my meals for next week so I don't try to fly by the seat of my pants (again to hopefully not get so behind. - NOPE
7. Praying a lot that I can keep my sanity while I figure out how to fit everything in. - YEP
8. Missing Al - cause Ice Storm 2010 keeps us both safely tucked into our apartments - YEP
9. Watching the snow fall... so my eyeballs don't explode from the stress - YEP
10. I don't think I have a 10... Wait yes... laundry and dishes. - YEP

Also - 7B - Nap... Success

And 11.. Which wasn't on there but should have been... Spend  an hour cleaning the snow off the car - CHECK!

Oh and 12 - injure myself mysteriously by slicing open my hand - check

Back to work!

Ice Storm 2010

Well the bad weather is here. I had already taken tomorrow off to try and play catch up.
I've made some changes in my life in the last two weeks that have been good but time consuming and I have not been able to get my school schedule to cooperate.
So tomorrow through Sunday, while I'm all iced in and hopefully with power, I will be:
1. Taking down the Christmas tree (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!)
2. Watching 8 hours worth of classes and 2 hours worth of presentations on OT 2 and the Poetry books of the OT.
3. Reading Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and their corresponding chapters in said OT textbooks (somewhere close to 300 pages NOT counting the Bible itself)
4. Writing a discussion board post on something... I think I should look that assignment up.
5. Pacing out my schedule to not get behind again.
6. Figuring out my meals for next week so I don't try to fly by the seat of my pants (again to hopefully not get so behind.
7. Praying a lot that I can keep my sanity while I figure out how to fit everything in.
8. Missing Al - cause Ice Storm 2010 keeps us both safely tucked into our apartments
9. Watching the snow fall... so my eyeballs don't explode from the stress
10. I don't think I have a 10... Wait yes... laundry and dishes.

Man - I think I need some naps in there too.  We'll call that 7B.  :O)


I am determined to make the new healthy lifestyle work... but I need to find some balance as #'s 1-5 will attest. Here's hoping that this weekend will afford that and not include a scrubbing of my plans for disaster relief at the church!

Nighty-Night!

Gina

It's Not Over... Till It's Over

So yes it is a week later and I am just now getting around to blogging. That is a combination of - 3 migraines, school starting, life drama, and general lazyness.  :O)  I keep trying to do better and maybe I will!

I was thinking about what it takes to keep going at something. I'm making some pretty major life-style changes (aimed at getting me feeling better) that are good things but challenging.

Change - I'm kinda not a fan. I think I've mentioned that before.

But fresh starts - that I do like.

So I am going to look at 2010 and the months it affords me as fresh starts - EVERY DAY.
Alarm clock goes off - New day - fresh start - WOOHOO!  :O)
No re-do's on this life. There are no chances to live yesterday and fix what happened.
But today is a fresh start and I for one am going to take each one for every thing that it is worth.
Life is far too short to do anything else.
Live it people!
-G

Why Yes - I am Procrastinating - Thanks for asking

I won't stay long.
Just thought I would pop by and let you know what I started today.
1. Old Testament II - OT the sequal. I love the OT so I am ready to get into it.
2. Introduction to the Poetical books - of the OLD TESTAMENT... silly girl - what was I thinking... never, ever take two OT classes together... I never do that. I think I was punch drunk when I registered and got my B term and D term mixed up!

Oh well - it's too late now - and I'll be very poetical before it's over with I am sure.

3. Going slowly crazy... no seriously... I've decided it's my only option at this point.

In reality though I am going to try to be a bit more bloggy. I used to write a daily devotional which I wrote 5/7 days so it shouldn't be too hard to get into at least an every couple of days mode.  Let's see how I do - especially when my papers are due 8 weeks from now.

Ok - I'm of to read me some Isaiah.  WOO!

Gina

Hephzibah

I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the line I missed a memo.
It was the one that outlined some of the finer "how-to" points of womanhood... I don't know when it was handed out - maybe I was supposed to get it when we watched those "boys in that room, girls in the other" movies in grade school.
But I'm sure I missed a memo.
My friend Jill wrote a great post the other day that shocked me. See somehow I had decided that I just hadn't gotten my "I'm a grownup" badge because I wasn't married and mommy. I figured that still living solo in my solo apartment was what was keeping me feeling like a perpetual college student.
OH CRUD... maybe it's the fact that I AM a perpetual college student that has me feeling that way??!!??
Regardless when I read her post yesterday I realized again that no one feels as together as they look. When I used to teach one of my favorite reminders to people was that we compare other people's shiny outside persona to our deep intimate knowledge of ourselves.
Let's face it - no one, knowing their deep dark secretey (sorry spellcheck I don't care if it ain't a word...) places, can ever match up to someone else's shiny outside show.
Maybe that is why I so often fight to be who I am inside and out. Mind you I'm not going to spill every fault I've got. But I always want to be the kind of person that SHOUTS God's grace because, let's face it, this gal as been given a whole lotta grace.
You know who shouts grace to me when I think about them?

David - man after God's own heart... but also a calculated murderer, liar, cheater, schemer and adulterer.

Moses - led God's people from captivity... murderer - chicken - who even after seeing God in a burning bush still wasn't convinced that God could use him. "Hey God... how about Aaron.. he likes talking to people... I'll still go... but wouldn't you rather have him do your talking?"

Saul/Paul - leader of the early church - writer of much of the encouragement in the New Testament... multiple murder - torturer of Christians

Rahab - used to bring the Israelites into the promised land and in the genealogy of Jesus... prostitute

You seeing my pattern? God never used the person who was "most likely to succeed." God was and is all about taking messed up, frail humans who are no-one and using them to shine His glory and grace.

It gives me hope that I cannot express. Why?
Because the grace that Moses, David, Paul, Rahab and countless others received is just as fresh today.
Though we may feel completely unworthy, when our useless and frail lives are placed in His hands they can shout His glory.

There is nothing that you have done that can knock you out of that running. He loves you.

I'm thinking tonight that it doesn't matter how I feel. Yesterday's mistakes are past.
Tomorrow is a day waiting for me to wake up and be renewed by His life and grace.
It's more than I can take in honestly... because I am a woman who is sorely in need of some grace and renewal.
So tomorrow I am going to press on to the prize that is set before me. I'm going to keep running the race until it is finished. I am going to work on being Hephzibah (God's delight is in her) instead of Mara (bitter).
Regardless of anything else that I do, or do not accomplish in this life I desperately want to make sure that the end  it can be said:

Gina - Hephzibah - though her faults and failures were beyond listing, His grace was sufficient

2010... Broken

Some things for the record...
I intend to write here a whole lot more often than I actually do.
Believe it or not - what you do here is the censored version of my thoughts. My mom implies often that I overshare a bit... but I figure I am what I am (gug, gug, gug, gug - ala Popeye) and there isn't any use hiding it.

I have some thoughts rolling through my brain tonight due to my, for lack of a better term for it, broken feeling lately. Now for those of you who are my PARENTS reading this... I don't want anyone hitting a panic button that somehow things are desperately not ok. No one can rush in and fix me but the One who always desires and works to fix me.


Broken.
I just feel broken.
I posted on twitter the other day that I was feeling that way and I was desperate, running... broken.
I just keep coming back to that.
Broken.
In my mind I think the broken comes out in a lot of ways. I'm broken over a lot of things in my life (sorry you 4... but details are for the journal, not the blog) but I will say habits... words... just me being a faulty human and coming face to face with it.
But in another sense -
Broken
Because life isn't where it was supposed to be here in 2010. If you would have asked me in my early twenties I was certain where I was headed. By now I should have graduated, be counseling for a living, be married, have kids, have written a book or two... it's a much longer list of the "shoulda beens."

I had this picture in my mind tonight of a huge pane of glass in front of me. I imagined I had taken a picture of that life I knew I would have and painted it on that glass. I could see myself on that beautiful glass wall painting with her MA in Counseling and MDiv. She has the perfect figure and beautiful house behind her with the perfect family... perfect life.
Then somehow that picture got smashed into hundreds of tiny bits laying all around me.
Broken
The life I knew I wanted... knew God promised... shattered.

Oh but wait - something else is happening here.
One by one the pieces of the broken life are being picked up and put into another frame. It's one that started a long time ago. It's got lots of broken pieces as markers. But the picture being put together is so much more that what I could have imagined. Each broken piece fits back together into a beautiful stained glass window, a picture that only a Master Artisan could have imagined.
Though it wasn't what I thought I wanted, the broken pieces will form the abundant life, the one I knew He promised all along.
So I am ok... with being.
Broken.

Speaking of Waffles

We weren't were we?
No - ok good.
Just felt the need to get some end of the year words on here before December rolls out and 2010 hits.
2010 - How did that happen?
Doesn't it seem like yesterday that everyone was stocking buckets of water and cases of Twinkies in their basement for Y2K? :OP

This year has definitely had its ups and downs. I guess you can say that with any year. Somehow I didn't get all my goals hit. Didn't get as many hours taken as I intended. Just wasn't exactly what I had laid out.

But 2009 goes down as a full year of Gina and Al - good stuff.
2009 saw two good visits with the North Dakota crew - which rarely happens with them in the far, frozen north.
2009 saw lots of laughs with my Van Buren crew and no real scuffles (even with the 4th of July rain out).

All-in-all 2009's joys well outnumbered its sorrows and since I had named it "JOY" in the beginning I call that success!

So welcome 2010!
I vow to laugh more... hug more... smile more... pray more... praise more...
I vow to worry less bout what others think and more about what God thinks.
Really there are a bunch more thoughts in the brain tonight but nothing for y'all yet (all 4 of you) but I will say that suddenly I cannot wait to see what the new year brings.

Happy New Year!

There Should Be Warning Signs

You know that comedian who tells people "here's your sign" when people do something stupid?
I totally think that signs could be put to good use in many areas.
Like how often could I use a sign that said "Warning - Hormonal - Approach with caution..."  :O)
I'm not saying today was or wasn't one of those days... I'm just saying... it could be helpful some day.

Today was another tough day as we had our last choir rehearsal with Kim and Suzanne Noblitt. What a blessing those two have been to my life! One of the toughest things about working in ministry is that God shapes His people so often by moving them in seasons. This season has been extraordinary and I hate to see it end. The Noblitt's have such a passion for leading people to know God through worship. Both Kim and Suzanne just OOZE the Holy Spirit and they are a joy to know. I sure will miss them.

Also up today - did I mention the hormonal influx?  I know... TMI right?  I think everyone should be warned though you know... if you see me all weepy... HEY WAIT... I can totally blame it on like a Christmas song or something right? I seriously spent like 10 minutes composing myself at Sam's yesterday thankyouverymuch KLRC Christmas music. It had nothing to do with someone pushing the wrong verbal button... it was the MUSIC... yeah... music....
OY....
OK...

Night everyone.
G

A Christmas Story

My friend Eric is doing Christmas stories on his blog and asked for some submissions. It challenged me to get some of my thoughts together.

It was a few Christmases ago and my entire family was together for Christmas. This happens rarely for us now because my brother is up in the snowy north. But that Christmas his family had traveled down to be with us. We were all together. However as the token single in the family it never felt like the entire family was together for me because I always knew/felt that someone was missing.
That Christmas, maybe because we were all together again after so long apart, the missing person was a painful place in my heart. Now anyone in my family reading this little story will have no idea of that most likely. Because that fact and what happened next weren’t something I have shared until now.
Some point during that night it was time to settle in and I realized that I had left my overnight stuff and pillow out in my car. I needed some outside time anyways so I headed down the hill to my car to get them. Between opening the house door and the car door I started sobbing. It was a pretty good pity cry. It was Christmas. I was surrounded by my family but I felt so alone that it was overwhelming. I don’t remember my exact age at that time (easily 30 or late 20’s) but I had been praying on the way down this hill. Why am I still single God? What exactly IS wrong with me? I cannot go back in there again with everyone and be ok. I cannot do it.
Something caused me to look up in the middle of my little pity party and what I saw stopped me in my tracks.

Christmas night skies are somehow different - more magical. They are radiant. That particular night sky was the clearest sky that I have ever seen, with bright twinkle-stars, and in my view was my own breath in the chilly night air.

Perspective…

It was a moment of perspective for me that came from seeing that perfect moment of night sky.

Rewind 2000 years. Granted I am the first person to say that Jesus was most likely born nowhere near December 25th but He was born. According to Luke there was a night where the sky lit up and a host of God’s angels appeared to frightened shepherds announcing the birth of His Son. There was a night where a virgin gave birth to a Son. The same Son years later lived, endured, died, resurrected and lived again.
It’s not just a story.

Perspective… came from seeing my breath in that perfect night’s chilly air and thinking back to that similar quiet night. What a difference one night can make.
Unto us a child was born who would be the Savior of His people.
Somehow with that realization “alone” just slipped away and “loved beyond reason or deserving” came to replace it.

I stood there for quite a while marveling in God’s creation of the night sky and of my own very blessed life. It’s a vivid moment that I can still slip back to.
Merry Christmas!
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests”

If You Lived Here… You’d Be Home by Now

So I haven’t written in a bit. It’s been crazy. We do a LARGE Thanksgiving ministry here which I get the joy of helping coordinate each year. But while I love, love, love it - it kinda sucks the energy and time from my October/November each year.  This year we got to provide Thanksgiving meals for over 3100 families and saw over 5,000 people come through the doors of our two campuses.  Over 1,000 people came to a relationship with Christ with 111 of them following through with baptism. It was a great weekend.

But due to the “hustle and bustle” each year I hit December unprepared for Christmas to BE here already. The panic starts to hit me early and the starts to ebb as I settle into the season. This year things seem to have just been a bit more bustle-y. We got to celebrate my dad’s 70th Birthday with some neat surprises for him. Al’s birthday is coming up. Our Christmas program at church is the 13th. There are concerts and parties and lots of people that need to be seen in this next month.  Add to that the fun of my brother and his family coming in from North Dakota at the end of the month and you see where the craziness is coming from.

It’s easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle and forget what is important about this time of year. There are a couple of focuses but first… why the weird title?  :O)

I know not everyone who reads this little blog is going to be a Christ-follower. You know me (probably know me at least), then you know that Christ is my center and the definer of who I am and want to be. It’s a relationship that I take seriously. I’m not perfect. I’m definitely a world class screw up. But I am His with all my heart. I do what I do, how I do it because of Him. I write what I write, because of what He has done within me. Because of that I know that this world is temporary and it is not my home. The problems, battles, issues and crud that I face are things I face as I pass through to home. For some reason today as I was thinking through a situation that’s just making me sad right now I had this picture in my head of this sign I used to see all the time in front of an apartment complex: “If you Lived Here - You’d Be Home by Now.” It may seem like a strange comparison but I realized that a lot of the “people” battles I face are because I am a square peg trying to feel at home in the round world. If I “lived” here… I’d feel at home right now.  But I’m still trying to get home!

Meanwhile - back to Christmas.  :O)

Focus # 1 - Christ… for me this is the season when so many people are open to talking about faith. It is a great chance for me to share what I believe. We get to minister to so many people at this time of year. Christmas just opens those doors to share.

Focus # 2 - Family - like em, love em or tolerate em this is the time of year when we all get to be together for lots of extended time between November and December.  I’ve been blessed with family who don’t just like each other, but love each other. This year we will actually all be able to be together around Christmas for the first time in quite a long time.

For me personally Christmas traditions are important for a variety of reasons. I’ve always had in my head those things that I wanted to do when I had a family of my own. There are things that I have seen/heard over the years that have struck me as important, fun and/or meaningful. So here are some of those ideas. I would love to hear yours as well - all 4 of you! :O)

Reading of the Nativity Story - Certainly Christ wasn’t born on 12/25 - probably nowhere close to it. But if we’re picking a day to celebrate Christ birth then I definitely want to take time to remember it.

Watching for Santa - Now… I stopped believing in Santa when I was 3 probably because I have two older brothers with big mouths, but we almost always took a little drive (I know now it was so our Christmas presents could get into the house since we celebrated on the Eve and “Santa” had to come to our house early). We would go out and look at lights and dad would always see him somewhere. That was our cue to head back to the house. “I think he’s headed over that way.” It was a little inside joke after a while but it was fun and a great memory for me still.

Putting up the tree together on the Friday after Thanksgiving - I always did this for my parents before I had a place/tree of my own. I think it would be really fun to make this a family event because you can tell the story of where the ornaments and stockings come from. That is how family history is passed down, in the stories from year to year.

Making Gingerbread Houses - I got to participate in this family tradition with some girlfriends of mine with a lady that was mentoring us at the time. She does it every year with her grandchildren. We were like little kids making our houses. It was fun!!  And yummy. Even with little kiddos if you have pre-made gingerbread this can be a blast - and OH the memories.

Well I’m out… this blog has taken me off and on over a day now so I think I shall post!  :O)

Things Normal People Wouldn't Tell You - The Halloween Story

Not sure if it is wise to write this up while medicated… but since this is a Halloween story - I wanted to get it up in time for the big day.  :O)

This is probably another one of my brother’s favorites. It was also a turning point for me in learning how NOT to behave around boys.

My second year in Dallas for college I decided to tag-along to a haunted warehouse with my roommate and a bunch of other people. Key point - several of these people were boys. What a fun night right?
I love haunted houses, stupid though they may be… I think it’s the adrenaline.
But I usually think it’s a fun thing and a good chance for the girls to grab on to their fella and squeal.  :OP

So we head over to Fort Worth to this deal and stand in line forever. If memory serves it was 3 girls and then 3 guys.

Enter haunted house - now granted - it was a pretty good scare for what it was. There were some unexpected bumps.  But come on right… it’s not real… it’s obviously not dangerous…
ok?
Stage set.

3 Guys - 3 girls

Guy # 2 begins to absolutely FREAK OUT… freak the HECK OUT… ok… screaming like a banshee… and I kid you not actually get behind me grabbing the back of my shirt like a 4 year old in terror.

Well - I got a little bit… um…. annoyed…  :O)
So I end up pulling the entire group - both boys and the other two girls through the entire haunted house.
Now sometimes my mouth kind of does its own thing y’all… it’s a whole lot better than it was 10 years ago believe it or not.  But in the middle of said haunted house… pulling these big brave boys behind me… livid…
All I remember is screaming repeatedly “Be a man… be a real man.” and other such gems - the entire way through… “Be a man”

They never called again… go figure.  :O)

Yeah… My brother almost died laughing when I told him that story and he still sometimes likes to yell “be a man” at me as a reminder.

Why in the WORLD Can't I....

I keep thinking that eventually I will get the hang of things or that things will start to make sense.
It's a weird feeling to feel so much like you have things together one minute and then realize - wow I'm a big ole dork the next.

I guess - such is life. In looking back over things you realize that it is rarely good to look back over things.  :P
Or something like that!

I think my introspective side is part of what gets me into so much trouble. I second and third guess what I should have done/said. I want to do the right thing and say the right thing.

I want to be a good example.

I want to be a person who is constantly pointing others to Christ and not myself. It is so not about me.

But man do I mess things up when I get in charge of my little life! I just can't seem to help myself. I'm sure I know better. I'm certain that my way should be THE way that I charge on.
I'm certain God takes a lot of looks at me and shakes his head like I do when I look at kiddos sometimes.

Last night I helped out in XLR8, our worship and arts deal for kids. I've had my eyes on this one kid for weeks because she is just gloriously different. She just marches to her own drummer you know. I gotta love her because that is SO me. I watched her last night and while the rest of the kiddos were going through their motions she was turned around. She was still doing motions but she was like in her own little deal too - not looking up front at the leader. She was watching the other kids and just smiling. She smiles a lot - not a care in the world for my little friend.

Lesson there... because as adults when we take our eyes off the Leader it rarely finds us smiling. When I'm looking around at the other kiddos in my little dancing world it's usually a comparison of where they are versus where I am.

How the heck did they get married at 18 and I'm flipping 33 still single? Look at him, he has a beautiful house... why don't I have a house? Oh I'd give anything to wear that shirt, tucked in and not be self conscious about it.  All totally RANDOM examples of course my peeps.... I'd never bust myself out in a blog...  :O)

You feeling me here?

Why in the world can't I get my act together? I SO have my eyes on the wrong thing again!

It is so simple. But it is so easy to miss.
FOCUS, focus, FOCUS

I am... where I am... because I am... where He has placed me.
I am... who I am... because I am... who He made me.
I am where I am in life... because I am needed... where I am.
I am not stuck, denied, lost or forgotten. God has not witheld, withdrawn, or forsaken.
I am forgiven, fulfilled, and loved.
God is not behind schedule in my life. He is certainly not early. I can be assured He is right on time.
These things will not change, because He will not change.
I am... where I am... because I am... where He has placed me.
And so are you!
-Gina