If We're Being Honest

I just realized, the last time I wrote here my brother was still alive. The last time I wrote here I just thought things were tough. I think I'm glad that I had no idea how much rougher things were going to get.
So far in 2016 I have seen a friend die. I have stood at the bedside of my big bear of a brother and said goodbye for now.
I have lost much to this year.
I decided the second half of 2016 needed to live up to its name and bring some redemption.
But so far, well its brought some realizations.

Fertility drugs make you crazy. Well they make you feel crazy. They amp you up emotionally so you manage to either be unhinged crying or unhinged angry.
This time around they are also making me seriously nauseated at everything around.
I am NOT a happy camper.
And I'm really only here for one reason - a simple reminder.

Out there in your world 1 out of every 8 couples is trying desperately to either get pregnant or stay pregnant.
Out there in your world there is a woman whose body has betrayed her over and over again. The one thing that is seems everyone else just "does" her body just doesn't.
Out there in your world there is a man who has no idea how to help his insane wife deal with the ups and downs of a process while he struggles through the process himself.

We are your 1 in 8.  But I bet you know more and you have no idea.

I wish with just about every part of me that I didn't know the freakin in and outs of fertility. I wish I didn't know about the medicines and the ultrasounds. I do not mean the great ones where you see a little body on a screen. I mean the ones where you see a blank canvas and hold your breath and pray you hear "Ok, we can do this." I wish I never, ever had to hear someone say "just relax," or "it'll happen when it happens" or "my cousin's neighbors sister had problems and they did x" or any. other, thing.

It seems weird to put this out into the world. But what seems weirder is to navigate this in silence. I'm a freakin mess right here. I can go from laughing hysterically to sobbing in about 2 seconds. And I literally walled myself off most of this week because I just could not deal with the headaches, the smells, the STUPIDITY (it's me... it's not you), or anything else the world had to toss at me.
All this for a chance, just a chance, at what 7/8 couples take for granted.

Right now, I'm sick and tired. I'm scared to hope for a different outcome. And I'm hoping with all my heart.
If you made it this far thanks for listening.  And please pray that this is our turn around month/
Gina

Redemption - 2016

I haven't blogged in months. Aside from a brief run at Nanowrimo (at which I crashed and burned...), I really haven't written anything in months. I haven't even written in the journal in months.
This is totally not like me. I've at least written something in past years -  probably at least once a week.
But since April, I have been silent.
Why?

Yesterday someone posted an article that stunned me into realizing where I've been over these past 6 months or so.
I've been living in the between.
Last year, during this exact same stretch of time, we were working our plan towards finally expanding our little family. I had hope. I really believed that by the end of 2015 we would have what we had so wanted and desperately prayed for, for so long, I felt like that miracle was right around the corner.
And then our world caved in a little bit. Our focus had to change for a while. Life happened. Plans paused.
And we waited in the between.
I know I have said before that I feel like we are in the hallway but it has only locked doors and no windows. And now I feel like I'm at the place where I just want to chainsaw a hole in there and get on out.
We are just here.

It's Christmas and so far, I have mostly avoided it. I've tried to be all holly and jolly and it just isn't working.
This morning, when we left for church I put on my cheesiest Christmas sweater and yelled "Christmas" at the top of my lungs as we headed to the door. (Think Braveheart without the facepaint...)

I told my husband I was going to drag myself into this holiday kicking and screaming if I had to. Because this time last year I was fully enveloped in hope and spirit. And right now, I'm feeling little to none of it. My hope is bruised. My joy is chipped.

I chose my word for 2016 just the other night. Redemption.
I really feel like most of 2015 needs that. This year was filled with way more drama than we signed up for. We all made it out and frankly that is a miracle.
But I had so much more hope for the year than just making it out.
So, for 2016 I am believing for a flood of redemption. I want to see the tears that fell in the past years redeemed in joy.
I want change, lots of it, drastic GOOD change... and if it came in a crib, that'd be super thanks. :)

I never regret a year, no matter how much pain it held. And I definitely do not regret a second of 2015. Lessons were learned. Bonds were formed. And I learned a lot about myself in the fires of the unknown.

But I am ready to break out of the in between. I am ready to move from this hallway.

Bring it 2016 - Redemption

Oh and if you see me between now and Christmas I am still working on my holly and jolly. So bear with me.

It's The Choices You Make

If I could pick out the moment where my life forever changed in these last 3 weeks, it would not be the one most people would expect.

Yes, hearing that my super hubs had a massive heart attack was life changing, but not the most significant moment for me.

For me, it would be the moment at 3 am when they took my love away for a scan to test for a blood clot in his lungs.

 

He’d been sick up to that point. He had almost died just days earlier, but in the previous 24 hours he had taken a bad turn and really did not look or feel well.

And at 3 am at the foot of his empty hospital bed I had a choice of what I would do.  I was alone for the first time in days. And at 3 am I couldn’t reach out to many people.

I was terrified. For the first time in the whole process I realized exactly what was happening.

First I sobbed, because I hadn’t really cried yet in the days before.  Then I realized that the only person who had any control in the whole situation was there in the room with me.

So I pulled out  my journal, Bible and my iTunes and got with Him.

I think we always wonder who we will be when life knocks us back. Where will we turn? What will we say?

These last few months have been a constant stream of test, doctors, herbs, medicines, hormones and desperate prayers while we tried to conceive.  We've already been through so much all the time wondering... at least me wondering... where God could possibly be.  Why the delay? Why is such a simple thing for millions of other people out of our reach?

Why?

And at 3 am, at the foot of a hospital bed, I just got to lay it all out there.  I won't share everything, because that's 'me and God' stuff.  But I will tell you this: I still don't know why.
I have no answers for why bad things happen to people who are doing their best to serve and trust God. I have no answers for why any bad things happen to anyone.

But I do know this.

When life knocks this family back - we run to - we sprint towards - we dive into - the One who created us. 
Would I like answers?  Yes.
Would I like a baby?  Yep.

But if I don't get either, is He still good? 

Emphatically yes.

Tonight I still go back to the first song that pulled up on my playlist that night.  Because:
"... I will call upon Your name. And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise. My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"

His,
Gina

Joy... Even here.

It's Sunday night. For the first time ever I'm posting this blog from my phone. Not because I think it's nifty. But because my husband is laying in a hospital bed 4 feet from me.

Friday morning we experienced a total shock. Al had not been feeling well for a little over a day, so he went to his doctor. An hour or so later he was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital.

We now know the feeling "unwell" for days was from a heart attack.
My funny, strong, stud of a husband had a blockage of his left anterior descending artery. You may not know what that is. I sure didn't. But I'll leave the finding of that to you. Just google "widow maker."
Thankfully he got here to the hospital and straight into a lab to get a stent and clear the block.

We were told we would probably go home today. But today has come, and as many plans do, this one hasn't panned out.
Currently we are waiting and watching for some things to improve a bit more.
So here we sit.
Tired. Living in a little bit of uncertainty as we wait to find out what our next steps are.

And as I sit here, even with everything, I'm finding my joy.
Joy. Because life is uncertain but life is still here. He is breathing and that's a miracle.
Joy. Because so many things happened just exactly in the right order to get us here.
Joy. Because I'm learning that the delays of my plans were certainly, with no doubts, God's protection.
Joy. Because I don't have answers yet... But know He does.
Joy. That every minute of my waiting lifestyle prepared me for here.

2015 hasn't gone like I wanted in many ways. But it's still my year of Joy and I'm glad to be living it.

Please pray my friends. God has this.

We need rest. Answers. Easier breathing. Appetite and an end to nausea.
Sweet hubs to wake up feeling much improved tomorrow.
Thanks friends.

Gina.

It's Just This Thing That You Don't Talk About

This blog has often been a place to process through things for me. But it has also been a place where other people can come and say “Oh me too,” “I feel that too” when the hard stuff in life hits.

The last year or so I’ve been mostly absent here.

I’ve alluded to some things happening in our lives. I’ve put statuses on social media that have probably tipped a lot of you off to what has been going on. But I’ve never come out and just said it.

But now, with the permission of my husband, I’m going to lay my heart (really our hearts… which is why I asked first) out here in cyber-land.

When we got married we knew we wanted to have children.  We’d talked about it in the way that most engaged couples do – when we’re ready, we will start a family.

The thing that so few people mention in that lead up is that some people don’t get to choose their “ready.”

We are one of the millions of couples (1 in 8) that want to have children but, so far, cannot.

I will not go into the nitty-gritty details of what our issues are.  I know a lot of people blog their specific issues.  But for me, just for me… in OUR case that will not be happening.

This is such a personal deal. But it’s also so isolating. And that isolation is why I felt the need to blog it in the first place.

What you can know, if you’ve read it online somewhere or your grandmother’s cousin tried it (and it worked for them), we’ve also read it, heard it, and probably tried it. I’m not asking for anyone to tell me about their herbal supplement, their doctor, or their “sure thing.” Everyone is different. People have amazing success stories under impossible circumstances. 

What we can do, we have done/are doing. We’ve been to/are going to experts for our situation.  We’ve prayed.  

We’ve had others pray.  

We’ve begged God.

And here we sit.

I believe that God has a plan for our family. 

I believe that we will have children – the how is a completely shrouded thing to me – but I believe it.

What you can do?  

Pray: If you think about us at all, pray - right then and there. The last few months have been especially hard on us. But the prayers of many and the grace of God have kept us afloat.

 

Understand: I love your children. I am truly happy for you if you have/had/are going to/ just announced that you are expecting. But some days, I just cannot take it.  So if I can't be at your baby shower/birthday party/whatever please don't take it personally. Some days are just tougher than others. Some days I will (thanks super-hormones) cry over nothing. And those days I will usually wall-off a bit. Let me. I will come back around.

Listen: If you're one of my 3D people and I'm around on one of those uber bad days, I may just need someone to 'sit with me in the suck.'  Some days I may need a kick in the spiritual tail, but most days are NOT those days.  I promise I don't hate God. I'm not really mad at Him. But I am processing.  And the processing is messy.  Pray me through it. Walk me through it. But you cannot talk me out of it.  We're just not there.

If you've made it this far.  Thanks.  I love my people who still come here and read. I know blogs aren't the thing they once were. But I still read and therefore I will still write.

Stand with me friend.

We really do believe that the best is yet to come... it's just taking it's flipping time.  :)

-Gina

Deciding that it is going to be OK.

Somewhere a long time ago I ran across the phrase:
Everything is ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

Little did I know that this would become a mantra in my life.  :)

I've led a charmed life. I really have. Sure, I've taken the long road to everything I've gotten.
Years to finish college.
Years to find Al.
Years to date Al before marrying. (Worth every minute of every second of every one....)

In reality, my life is just awesome.

However, it's not perfect.
Is anyone's life perfect?  I know I can answer that for you.
No. No one has the perfect life.
We all have struggle. We all have sleepless nights. We all have angst ridden moments.
We all have cliffs that we feel just about ready to topple over at any minute.

Life.  It can kinda seem sucky at a moment's notice.

Life.  We cannot control it.

But we can decide that it is going to be OK. If there is one thing that I know with unwavering certainty it is that you have gone through a rough patch. You're either there, coming up for air, or going there. 
That is reality.
But no matter where you are in that path, you can know that it is going to be OK.
Why?
Because even pain must someday end.  The worst of tragedy cannot last forever.  Every single earthly pain will someday be completely erased.
Lamentations 3
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Struck down, but not consumed.
Knocked down, but not out.
Hurt, but not destroyed.

If you wake up tomorrow breathing, but not OK, that is OK!  It's not the end. Draw that breath. Get up. Keep fighting.

Down, but not out.
Hobbled, but not broken.
Broken, but not dead.

Keep fighting.

This is not the end. You are still here.

Keep fighting.

-Gina

Faith and Joy

We've already established that my word for 2015 is joy.  The funny thing about joy is that people often mush it together with "happy."
Joy and happy can be in the same room together.
But they can also exist on their own.
Joy, despite happy, is what I want to talk about today.
There is a joy that deepens through pain.
It is an emotion that is difficult to hold. It is almost impossible to describe.
But it is deep. It is a well that I want to drop down in and live with for this whole year.
Why?
Because I cannot control happiness. I cannot control what may, or may not happen in 2015.
But joy... I can reach for that.
We have a lot happening in our lives right now that we just can't get into on social media - not even with my blog people.
What I can say is "I am choosing joy." 
In the end of it all, I believe that God is still good.
I believe that He can work in painful situations and use them for His glory.

I believe that every moment, every breath, and every thing are known by Him.
From the moment of conception to the last molecule of air we draw in, our times are in His hands.
The bigger revelation for me in this season:
Even in pain - He is still good.
Nothing that I can go through can wipe away His worthiness of my praise.
He is good.

There may be tears.... but there will also definitely be J-O-Y.

-Gina

Joy - 2015

So a couple of things right off the bat that I should just say:
It's been a crazy-long time since I wrote here.  There are a couple of good reasons for that... which aren't shareable yet.  :)
So there.

But I'm here just in time to give you a preview for where we are headed in 2015 via my word for next year.  This is actually a repeat word for me (2009). I've never done that before. But it just won't let me go as what I need to focus myself on.  So here goes nothing.

Joy

J-O-Y

I have no idea what the next 12 months will actually bring.  I know what I am desperate for though. I am desperate for the joy that comes only from living life fully present and fully surrendered. I am looking for the life that God has mapped out for me.
And I am looking for joy.

So here goes nothing 2015.  Let's do this. The best is yet to come.

This is Your Moment

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the moment just before.

There is a moment in every big situation that is just before God steps in.

It is Job, looking over the graves of his family and his life.

It is Moses, standing between an endless sea and a mighty army.

It is Daniel in front of drooling, hungry lions.

It is Stephen, just before the first stone fell.

It is Jesus’ friends and family on the night of that second day.

It is the hopeless soul just before he finds Hope.

There is a moment. It always seems to come with heart-wrenching sobs. It seems to be right before the soul is crushed.

There is a moment that is just before God reveals what He has planned to reveal all along.

Renewal of life

The sea parting

Deliverance

Homecoming

Resurrection

Salvation

But it seems to always be a dark moment.

And someone, even tonight, is right there.

Oh please, don’t give up in your moment.

He is coming. He is faithful. He has not forgotten you. He is here even in your moment. He will deliver. He will provide. He will be your safe place. He will do what He said He will do.

This moment may be your toughest hour. It may seem completely impossible. But this is your moment.

Stand. Fight.

Wait. Listen.

He is coming.

Your moment is almost over.

The sun is about to rise on your new life.

The wait is almost over.

I can hear the rustling of the waters stirring. Can you hear it?

This is it.  It is here.

Hope

I believe.

-Gina

Exodus 14:13-14

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Oh yeah, More Waiting

Last time we were here together I talked about letting go. And, in theory, it's a good thing.
In reality, I am finding it difficult.
Can we just be honest here?
Letting go of some things is easy.
Oh, I'll never win the lottery. I'm ok with that. I've let that go. Could be something about me never buying tickets but whatever.  :)

It's the big things in life that are hard to really let go of fully.

- Bringing a mate
- Bringing healing
- Bringing children
- Healing Relationships

Meanwhile I've clearly trusted Him with the biggest thing ever - my eternity.
The drastic contrast... well it's hitting me hard today.
I am coming to the reality that I'm guilty of not trusting more than trusting.

We sang a song in worship today that we have sang a few times recently and it slammed into me.
It actually took my breath away for a moment.  I'll link it below, but here is the lyric that messed me up.

As I wait, heart of God
Satisfy and sustain
As I hear, voice of God
Lead me on, be my guide
Be my guide


As I wait... satisfy and sustain.
I seem to wait a lot for things.  It always seemed like other people got their stuff earlier, faster. Husband, jobs, house, kids = everything... quickly.
Meanwhile, God had me on the 10-20 year plan.
In hindsight, I'm ok with pretty much every minute I ended up waiting for all the things because I realize that God had a purpose. I realize that He had a plan.

But in the middle of the wait it can be nearly impossible to find that resting place of satisfaction.
As we wait we must listen and we must hear.
To be sustained, we must listen, we must hear, and we must be led.

I cannot wait happily on my own.
There are somethings that I cannot MAKE happen.
Trust me on this people. I have tried. If there is a shortcut I would have found it. If there was a magical waiting end-er I would have that bad boy. It doesn't exist.

So if you are in the wait with me, sit down for a few minutes and let this one sink in.

Christ, be all around me.

-Waiting. Finally Still
Gina

I Have A Lot to Give... Up

Well it's me again.
I'm trying to develop this blogging habit again. It's a lot tougher than I thought it would be to get back into it.
For some reason, when life got a little more even keeled, I stopped coming here and putting things down.
Here I am again.  Trying to sift through life. Trying to get back where I  have been.
And I realized something pretty key a few days ago.

I stopped listening.
It's not that God didn't have anything to say. But I really, really didn't want to hear it.

As long as I felt that God was doing what I wanted, what I expected, I was all on board.
That even went for those years when I desperately cried out to God for pretty major things - healing - husband - life. I knew, for the most part, where we were going.

Somehow I've let my mind slip away from the moments where He just came down. I wanted to listen. Ok, I sort-of wanted to listen. I mostly wanted to have my own way.

It does not work that way.

The more I insist on God fitting my plans, the farther away I get from the path that He is marking out for me.

Tonight I am admitting something publicly.  Well blogl-y? Is that a word? No? It is now!

I have a lot of things that I have picked back up over the last two years that I need to give up.

I need to give up:
My desire to know the path ahead.
My "control" or my desire to control.
My fear that He doesn't hear me.
My fear that He doesn't really understand what I need.
My small understanding of the plans that He has for me.
Me.

True freedom in this season, where the storm of not knowing is raging out of control, will only come when I let go of the things I am trusting to anchor me.

Freedom will come only when I open my hands, let the sails fly, and let Him take me... take us on the wild an unruly path that He knew from day one.

I know I can trust Him.

Honesty?
I'm scared.
But I'm ready.

Giving up,
Gina

Does it Take a Whirlwind?

1 Kings 19
I have written about this chapter a lot. I'm not sure why I keep coming back to it, other than the fact that I want God to scream things out at me instead of me being quiet enough to listen.
Ok. Ouch.

I usually focus on the verses that talk about Elijah listening for God in the fire and whirlwind.
The context of it has somehow escaped me a little before tonight.

God was the one who told Elijah to head to the hills, and listen.

^11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

God was already speaking to him. But Elijah was having a bit of a pity party. Now I can't fault him for this, if you read the things that he has gone though you will see it's not been an easy road.
But my point here is - he already HAD God's attention.  God was speaking TO him.

God pulls him aside, to this mountain, and then shows off some power. 

The passage continues: "A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper."

Hurricane force winds, rocks shattering, an earthquake, and a fire storm one after the other ravage the mountain where Elijah stands.

My friend Elijah, who I can completely relate to, waits for it all to pass and seems to think the point is that God didn't hear him. If you read carefully you'll see he repeats the exact same things to God on the mountain that he has just said to him in the cave.

Oh Elijah, I can SO relate. I think one of the reasons I keep circling this passage is because God is speaking but I'm still not listening.  And I really don't want to have to hike a mountain and have rocks shattered to finally "get it."

God, Help us to hear you right where we are. We are listening.

-Gina
 

Perspective - Since everyone is doing it.

I have this app on my phone that gives me snippets from my life a year at a time.
Tonight's snippet was from three years ago. And y'all it completely has me melting into tears.

" Local Peeps - I could use a grocery runner today or tomorrow. Staple run, shouldn't be too bad. Anyone up for it? :o)"

Just that quickly I'm transported back to the days, months, and year that I couldn't even go to the grocery store for myself. Many of you were the responders to those calls. I will never be able to tell you how much it still means to me. I still remember, vividly, every trip. I remember every person who came to the house to do laundry, clean my kitchen, clean my bathroom, or buy and put up groceries.
You kept me going that year when you checked in on me, called me, and just dropped by.
You are my people. And you were my lifeline.
No words can ever be enough.

Two years ago - June 12th - I had the surgery that changed my life forever. The next few months were a roller coaster.  And if you weren't with me back then just think - 3 major surgeries in 3 months. Countless ER visits. One major hospital stay - just a month before I walked down the aisle to say "I Do."

I think back over that year a lot these days because of how different things are.

These incredible days are a gift that I never though I would see back then... when this was my life every day:






Sometimes I still need to look back and remember her. I need to remember how much life has changed. I can walk up stairs. I can grocery shop! And last weekend I drove hours by myself to SIT for hours and listen without pain.  It's beyond incredible. It's miraculous.

So, when I start to doubt that God can do anything. I just need to remember the healing hand that got me to this place. Mobile. Married. Happy.
Life really is good no matter what does or does not come next.  :)

-Gina

She's back and weirder than ever.

A big part of me just wants to quietly step completely away from the blog.  What's that you say? I haven't blogged in over six months? 
Well sure, there's that.  :)
It's not that I haven't had anything to say. It's not that I haven't wanted to say it.
It's that I haven't had the words.

Up until 2012 my life was pretty much a total open book. My stuff was your stuff. My thoughts were pretty much all spewed out there.  I'm a fairly open book.
Dating woes - you heard about them.
Weight loss surgery - you saw it here.
Depression struggle - check.

Enter marriage.  Now my stuff isn't only my stuff.  Suddenly huge chunks of life need to have a hedge. That's not a bad thing. It's a supremely good thing.  But I'm still working on figuring out my boundaries.

So there it is - my excuse for sporadic blogging followed by a 6 month hiatus.

Now let's get on with it shall we.  I'm going to try to do better.  Yes. You, my dear 6 readers, have heard that before.
But this time I'm going to get a little more intentional. I'm going to set myself some reminders and ask for some accountability.

Let's do this thing!

Right now I actually feel like I have a lot to say. God is starting to show some different paths. I plan on showing them to you too... all in good time.

For now I want to say "thank you" to my Launch Out people.  In two short days you and God wrecked my world.  And I'm still trying to recover.

More.
#Soon

-Gina

One Word - 2014 - Hope

So I'm amazed that the "One Word" for the year has taken of so much. It's like the thing to do now. That almost makes me want to stop doing it.  :)
But since I've been doing it for just shy of forever... like 10 years... I think I'll just keep rolling.

Anyhoo.
My word for this year was a no-brainer.  It's where I am living these days. It's my belief for the new year. It's my challenge.

Hope

Before I decided it "officially" I received this as a gift at work.  No one else got one like it in my area.  They were just random words on coasters.  Yet here it was.
Hope

 Ok.  Hope it is.
This year. I am believing that God is going to do something that seems pretty impossible. Since I know that God does the impossible a lot. It's not a stretch to believe it. 
But believing it in my head and really letting it sink into my heart have been two different things so far in this journey.
Someday I will get to share all of this as a testimony to what God has done in me and through me.
But until then, I will
Hope

Rejoicing with those who rejoice

So it's been a while. I'm starting to wonder if I ever will blog again with out starting out with that phrase.
It's been a heck of a month. We've moved into a house of our own. Which means, we bought a house.  :)
Moving.
I'm so, so over it.
Anyhoo...
There has just been a lot happening here.
I really wish I could share some of what has been on my heart.
There are just some prayers that you have to leave between you and God. Sometimes those are the most painful, most personal and most important prayers of your life.
For those of you who are DYING for details (mother), sorry, it isn't happening.
I'm really ok. God and I are still walking. Al and I are awesome.
I'm just fighting through some of the "wait" answers to prayers that are anoying.
I hate waiting.
I know of no person alive who loves it.
But for people who hate it, we sure do a lot of it.
Right now my biggest struggle is to see others get there answers with a snap while I sit... and sit... and sit.
I know in my heart that the reality of that other person's life is not something I would want to trade for.
We all have that something that is off. We all have THAT thing in our lives.
It's the thing you think about when you wake up, all during the day, and right before you sleep.
It's always there. It's just the wait.
It's a struggle sometimes. Sometimes it seems like you have a handle on where you are.
Then BOOM.
It's a struggle to put your heart into rejoicing when other's get their answer.
It just is. I bet you're thinking I'm going to put a prayer bow on this huh?
Nope.
Tonight I have nothing.
No advice.
No wisdom.
Just the wait.
I know He hears. I know He has not forgotten. I've seen Him answer.
But I'm still waiting.

So I'll leave you with this song, which has been my companion in personal worship for a little while.

Waiting on God
-Gina

The Re-START

Tomorrow starts round two of the START Experience. We've just completed round one. I didn't get everything accomplished that I had set out to do, but I did get some clarity on what I should be doing. That may make no sense to anyone else. But it's big to me :O)

So for round two:
More consistency in my writing.
Sharing my writing.
Asking for some bold critiques. But I'm not a fan of being critiqued. (Who is?!)
Round two is coming on much as round one did. This is a busy time for me. We're closing on the house in just a little over two weeks. I'm having surgery in THREE days.
Yes.
There is a lot going on. 
But I keep asking myself this question: "When is there not a lot going on?"
Things are probably just going to get busier from this point on. So this is a good time to learn some time management skills and just suck it up!  /pep talk

Meanwhile, I keep praying for something very specific and unsharable. I keep believing that God is in control. I keep praying that He will just HURRY THE HECK UP.  but i try to be patient in the mean time....

In this moment, I am going to live like tomorrow is my answer day. For this moment I am going to walk forward in absolute faith that tomorrow is my day.  

Here's all my hope.

- Take that fear!

-Gina

The Fear in Hope

I mentioned that I am going through this 24 day challenge. The assignments so far have definitely been a challenge. :O)
As I've been walking through this new journey several things have happened that could easily sideline my dream and my START.
First up, and a big prayer request for you who read here, last weekend while coming home from Houston I had some major stomach pain. In the course of figuring out what to do and finally getting some relief, I discovered a little knot in my stomach. It's not near any of the surgery sites really. I thought hernia, but the doctor has looked at it and does not know exactly what it is except that it is an "abdominal mass."
So, I get to have surgery on the 14th to take the little thing out of there and get it checked out.
Prayers in the wait would be super. Oh, and prayers that it is just a wayward stitch or something equally benign.

Now that I have that news out of the way!

During even the first part of this journey I have hit upon a fear that I had not really examined before. I am calling it the fear in hope.
I think I am on the verge of some big, big things happening in my life. But I am terrified to hope for them.
It's an odd, nonsensical feeling really.
I want this to happen. I need this to happen.
But I am scared to really hope for it.
Why?
I think there are a few reasons.

Hope means that I am fully believing that this is going to happen.
    Which means "what if?
What if it doesn't happen?

Hope means that I really want things to change.
    But in many, many ways I adore the life I have NOW.
So do I really want things to change?

Hope fulfilled means that life, as I know it now, is going to be drastically different.
    What if I am not ready for that after all?
What if, what I think I want, is a trap? Or I am not cut out for it?

I was reminded (while writing some lyrics the other night), that most of life is lived in the "But if not."

I believe with all my heart that big changes are on my horizon. Things are about to get rolling that I could not have envisioned this time last year. Big. Things.

But if not, if things go haywire or not at all as I had planned....

If the worst thing imaginable happens instead, I still trust. I still hope for a future that God has specially prepared for me.
With all my planning and dreaming, what He has in store is infinately much better.

Even through the fear behind this hope, I trust that He is working this for my good.

What if what I had planned is only a doorway? What if what comes next is bigger than I am even capable of dreaming?

My future.
    His hands.
His plans.

I can rest there.

No.
Fear.

-Gina

STARTing over

Well, we seem to be back to once a month again. But I am determined not to fall back into that pattern.
There are exciting things happening in my world right now.
Al and I are looking to buy a house. We're currently smack dab in the middle of VBS week at church. We're doing the games. It's a hoot!
We just got back from Houston to see our friend Matt.
And there are probably a dozen other things I am forgetting.  :)
Personally, the biggest thing happening right now is a 24 day challenge "START" that I started on Monday.
It came from a challenge by Jon Acuff via twitter.
When we started we had no idea what we were getting into.
It's been very challenging and very encouraging. (I like to throw as many adverbs as I can in a sentence).
My "risk" for myself was to start writing music again and to actually share it with people. It's kind of a big hairy deal for me.  But I'm rolling with it.
Each day I am writing a little bit more. I'm hoping that encourages me to blog as well but time will tell.
Ok.  Now I need to go write people.
:O)
Happy Tuesday.
Make Wednesday awesome. You're worth it!
-Gina

A Year Later

So it's actually been a year as of June 12th.
I've been silent here the last month or two.
As usual, that was not intentional.  :)
One of the interesting things that happens when you share your struggles and journey is that people feel free to ask you questions. I really love that.
I love that people feel like they can ask me about what is happening on their journey. I love that I get to share about where I have been and where I am going.
Right now much of life seems about the numbers.
1 year since surgery.
10 months since saying "I Do"
6 months since finding a job I really love.
117 pounds of massive change that have revolutionized my life.
Things are so different now.
However the really nutty thing to me is how many things stay the same.
A friend once told me that all life is waiting for something else.
Wow, I have never realized how valid that was until lately.
This phase in life is more about waiting than any other phase in my life.
That seems insane to type out and read. But it is true.
I think one of the most dangerous phases occurs right after you have gotten something you have longed so much for in life.
It's almost distorting to everything else. I wish I could make that make sense a little more.
However that would mean sharing something that I am just not able to share right now.

Well on to something fun, like my before and after so far...
Night before my surgery, part of me truly hates this picture but I keep it as a reminder, and today! :O)

Happy Sunday everyone.
Make it a great day!
-Gina