Ginabob Lives Here

One Word - 2011 - Change

2011-12-22T07:36:00.000-08:00

Well God definitely called my word for the year accurately.

This year there has been much change.

Disability for 3 months

Pain for 12 months

The inability to do many of the things I took for granted in 2010 and before.

Getting engaged

I’m trying to learn to roll with it and embrace change.

Sometimes I have been ready and excited.

Sometimes I have been flat out petrified.

But we have made it!

2012 is right around the corner and I know it holds more change.

But I want more from it. I want joyful change.

And this year one thing I have learned is that there are a lot of things that you cannot control.

But you can always take on your attitude. Notice I didn’t say chose it… on purpose! Because while it is true that you can chose your attitude, it would be dishonest (of me at least) to say that always happens.

Gotta be real here with my people. :O)

So…

Change

Live it, Love it, Learn how to embrace it. :O)

Bring on 2012.

The Proposal!

2011-12-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

Well first of all - totally surprised!
God's timing in this, as in all things turns out to be pretty perfect after all.
Al has had plans in the works for a while but the timing has been bad so far this year for many reasons.
Early in November Dad and he went to a Razorback football game and Al asked my dad if he could marry me.
Mid November I started planning a surprise party for Al. He turns 40 on the 6th!
So I started enlisting conspirators who then start also working behind my back.
Al knew that my brother from North Dakota was going to be here for these weeks around Thanksgiving - perfect time to pop the question.
So the planning began.

We started off the night at Buck Nekkid BBQ (which I think is hilarious that it's part of our engagement story!) :O)
After that we went to the Fayetteville square to see the lights.
We walked all the way around the square and were standing around talking about what we were going to do.
Amelia said that she and Jeff wanted a picture on a bench that was behind us and surrounded by lights.
After Al took their picture Amelia asked us if we wanted ours.

We got our picture on the bench and as I started to get up Al stopped me.
He got down on one knee and I happily said "Yes!"

Just afterwards we went and sat down on another bench while we waited for Jeff and Amelia.
A man came up in front of us with a violin and began to play "Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel." Such a great cap to the night and completely unplanned.

We were blessed today to have Al's surprise party combined with an engagement party.
I'm sure I'll be an obnoxious engaged person... I've spent a lot of time building up to it. :O)

So. In. Love.
So. Thankful!

Tender Places

2011-11-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

Many nights in this past year I would describe my heart and soul as raw.
Spiritually it's been a blank period for me.
I've barely journaled.
I've only been able to attend church regularly online.
It's a dry period.
And the place I find myself in right now I think is best described by one word:

Tender

I know why some of these places are tender. But not what to do with them.
When you have a broken arm (or screwed up back) you can easily tell people - Ouch - don't touch.
When your heart is tender it's not that easy to protect.
I find myself in a place I do not like.
I'm touchy about things that are in these tender spots.
Yet I cannot share with the world what they are in words.
Dreams not realized
Hopes just out of reach.
Painful absences... that do not make my heart fonder towards anything.
I resist the urge to cry out when that tender place is touched.
Those who are doing the wounding have no idea what their words have done.
They have no reason to. They cannot see the broken places.
Tonight I find myself reaching up and asking for God to begin to bind even the places I am unaware of right now.
Even if physical healing never comes, I realize the spiritual healing needed may be that much more desperaate.
But I believe that both healings are possible and are future.

Change - It was my word at the beginning of 2011. It is my word here at the close.
Please God, let none of these days be wasted.
Let the tender places be healed.

Wow. It's November People

2011-11-09T16:22:00.000-08:00

I know you were waiting on me to tell you! :O)
So much has not changed since my last check in.
I've been to yet another neurosurgeon who has given me the same kinda depressing news.
So stay tuned for some news on that front.
Since my word for the year was Change, I think the possible upcoming huge change would be appropriate.
Hope y'all are well.
I promise someday soon to return to my bloggy schedule I had started to stick to.
Pathetic. :O)
Ohh and Blessing Baskets is here. So don't expect that return to be before Thanksgiving!
-Gina

For My Uncle J. B.

2011-09-19T18:23:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching a 10 part WWII documentary on Netflix. Incredible.
About halfway through the series they covered Saipan.
Saipan is a teeny, tiny little Island in the Pacific that most people my age have probably never heard about.
Why did I know the name?
Because of my Great Uncle J. B.

On this teeny, tiny Island a very big battle was waged in June of 1944. My uncle was there.
We have no details on how he died.
Watching this documentary is startling. I hesitate to mention it to my mother because of the shocking nature of what is spoken of and seen. I scan the videos for a recognizable face.
The whole picture painted reminds me how incredible these young men were to charge off of landing boats and onto shore; to run up hills into certain danger; to risk their lives to secure a future for the world as they knew it.
I'm in a bit of awe tonight.
And I'm remembering my Uncle.
In 2009 I found a website that showed where soldiers who had died in the Pacific had been buried. It's a place known as the Punch Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii.
From a link on that site, I sent in a request and a lady I do not know went to my Uncle's grave, placed a flower, and took a picture.
That gesture means so much more to me tonight as I understand that sacrifice a little better.
So thankful for a heritage of service and for men like my Uncle J.B. that have served and still serve our country today.
G

Help Me Outta My Hand-Me-Downs

2011-09-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

So one of the fun blogs writers I follow - Kenlie is doing a give away that is helping me to seriously covet.
Cephalon is giving away a cookware set.
Gina. Wants. :O)
We all know that I don't own a single piece of cookware that I have actually purchased myself. Everything I have came from someone else's kitchen.
Jump on over and check in out. But don't even think about winning, cause this one is mine people.
http://www.alltheweigh.com/2011/09/calphalon/

I'm Still Alive

2011-08-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, It is August. It's very close to September.
And I've been very silent this year.
As with most silences that was not for nothing. :O)
Back near the beginning of the year my chronic back pain moved from nuisance to debilitating.
By March I was barely active.
By April I was barely walking.
It's been a long road that I am not quite at the end of yet.
But I have felt the need to crawl back onto the net and at least say.
I. Am. Here.
Which my random brain feels the need to share, reminds me much of this scene from Horton Hears a Who.
So, ok, hopefully my last cartoon reference on this post.
Where were we? Oh yes. I. Am. Here.
I still have some specialists visits. I'm finally back at work but it's been very difficult.
Sitting is pain. Standing for long is pain.
Blah, blah
Now you are officially caught up on the last few months.
So what's new?
1. Graduation - As of 8/4 I am the holder of a Master of Divinity with a Church Ministries emphasis from Liberty University.

2. 3 Years have passed - As of 8/23 I've been dating Al for 3 years (crazy no?)

3. I've watched approximately 9,000 hours of Netflix programming. That is either a slight exaggeration or an under-count. I'm leaning towards the latter. They have a lot of stuff on there people!

4. My parents have gone well above and beyond in taking care of me. There are no words to really cover that. Thank you's have been said. But I'll always be overwhelmed by their care.

5. I can't think of a #5 but I had to have one.

There you go. All is explained. Hopefully I'll be back soon with something riveting and soul stirring. Or maybe just stupid and funny.
In the meantime, I. Am. Here. :O)

The Day I Almost Ran

2011-03-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well it's been over a month since I got down in the dust to fight this depression full on with no place to hide.
It's been a month of change.
I've seen good days and bad days.
But for the first time in probably a year I can finally say that my good days are starting to outnumber my bad days.
It's a milestone that I am not sure you can fully appreciate until you've been at the place where the days stretch on hopelessly before you.
So many of you responded to me that you've been there or you are there.
I wish I could give you a good picture of it. Really the night I hit publish on that blog the reponses were immediate. I literally sat in front of the laptop for hours reading and crying.
Many people understood.
Many people had come out the other side.
It is such a big thing to take part of the stigma of shame out of the equation. It is such a huge thing to have the people I love most in the world affirm that they are here for the duration; that I am not un-mendably broken; that one day or another I will be ok.

I think one of my biggest markers of change occurred this past Sunday morning on praise team. Unfortunately my body responds to adrenaline by shaking. The more adrenaline the more uncontrollable the shaking. It's mortifying to me because it looks like I am nervous... but really I'm not!
So one of my reactions to this in the past has been a massive anxiety attack/panic attack.
Sunday morning at the very start of our first song the panic started to creep in.
Now part of the medicine the doctor put me on 6 weeks ago was an anxiety component.
Despite that I knew a full blown attack was coming on. And what was I suppossed to do? I was on stage, with a mic, in front of thousands of people??

Fight
or
Flight

Somewhere inside of me this time a calmness started to spread. If I had run off the stage I probably would never have been able to face that moment of fear and panic again (this I know from my prior history). In a split second and while still singing I had to make the decision to run or stay.
It hit me there that no matter what I was about to press through.
Even if I passed out I was staying put.
The anxiety did not entirely pass... but it also did not overtake me.
There are NO words for how huge that is.
I am still fighting friends.
Stay in there with me.
If you are still battling I would still love to talk to you.
The struggle will be worth it someday. This is something I know without any doubt.
-Changing
-Gina

Honesty in change

2011-01-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

As I start this post tonight I am still not sure that I will hit publish.
I am still not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
I written before that I believe secrecy is a tool that the enemy uses against us. When we hide who we are and what we are dealing with we give it power over us.
And I have been giving something in my life power over me for far too long.
At the end of the year when I wrote this post, I already knew that I was headed towards a decision on posting this or not. Honestly, I've leaned towards not.
Something within me still wanted to hang onto an image that I was ok - that I was not really broken. I was just lazy or crazy. Nothing was really wrong with me. I could just "pull it together."
So I continued to suffer in silence.
in a deep dark place
in a hopeless place
in a lonely place

It was more than a funky mood. As weeks went on early in 2010 I knew that I was in trouble but refused to face it. Things in my life were so good. I had found the love of my life. I was doing well in school. My job was stressful (at times) but wonderful and fulfilling.

But inside I was tanking. I knew it. People close to me knew it.
If you have ever suffered from depression or loved someone who does you know this hole well.
In coming clean with a few key people recently I realized that I was not alone.

This secret was hiding me. I had slipped back down into a deep depression that was slowly taking me over.

The me I know had gone away to be replaced by someone who really only wanted to stay in a dark room.
It's not my first time in this place. But this time I was really sure that I wasn't coming out of it.

So I finally went for help. This is where I struggle most though. It's the thing that is hard for so many believers to admit. I am back on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs. I so wanted to believe when I got better that I no longer needed the medicine. Surely I was fixed now.
But I was wrong.
For some of us depression and and anxiety have a chemical component. Something is off in our bodies. We feel out of control and powerless. We KNOW that things should be different but we cannot climb out of the hole.
Just as diabetics can be helped by insulin so can some depressions be lifted by fine tuning the chemicals in our brains.
And how incredible is my God who not only gave man the wisdom to fine tune, but gave him the tools as well!?!
I am not a failure because I am on medication to help me through this.
If you are here too... you are not a failure either.
I think I needed to say that because I know what some people will say.
If you want a debate on this... my blog is NOT the place for it. God and I have gone rounds on this one and I believe that yes I need counseling to learn how to cope with some things. But I clearly needed more help.
He is good.
He is trustworthy.
He is not a God of condemnation.
He is not willing to leave me alone in this pit.

If you are relating; If you are in this same place; maybe this confessional is for you. Maybe my tears can save you some.
I am broken. But I am healing.
I was a hopeless person who has glimpsed a light of hope.

My 2011 word is Change. When I picked that word it scared me so much because I knew where we were headed.

And now:
I. Am. Ready

-Changing
Gina

Change

2011-01-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

So that's my word for 2011. And it still scares me.
But I know that things have to be different.
Yes I am still being vague.
Yes that is intentional.
This week has seen some subtle movements in my life that I pray are the indicators that something is about to give.
I believe that God is still working.
Why? If you go back and read the post right before I posted about my chosen word for the year... you'll notice my closing hope. I posted this while I was still struggling to pick my word!!

"I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change."

It was meant to be. :O)

For now. I need some time away to think, sing and pray.

God is good to me, much better than I could even ask.

I've been going back in my mind to a pivotal place in my life. A physical place where God showed me something amazing. The Beth Moore study I am doing mentioned last night that sometimes if you think you've strayed from God's place you need to go back to the place you last met Him powerfully. I think, I shall.

I await His movement and change.

-Ginabob

A Prelude: My Prayer

2011-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

Where I am tonight.

Praying for Change

My One Word

2011-01-03T14:58:00.000-08:00

For years I have always named my year. One year was "Joy." One year was "Faithfulness."
My year is always something that I need to work on that year or something that I hope for.
Some years are a promise from God to me of where we are going that year.
One of my blogging peeps does the same type thing. This year she is challenging people in this area via her blog. FYI... if you don't read this blog make it a MUST visit!

This year I have had trouble finding my word.
Due, in great part, to my struggles of the last few months (that blog is still to come I promise!) I have not chosen a word yet.
I have prayed, read and thought. Nothing seemed obvious. Nothing seemed right.
I have been a bit discouraged by this fact.
Today as I was reading over some of the other "One Word" people... it hit me.

Change

It's a scary word for me. I am resisting it honestly. I think I'm blogging it so I can't back out.

Change

More to come on this... I am sure. I'm still trying to talk myself out of having heard this!

Change, Changing, Changed
-Gina

It Ain't Over...Till It's Over

2010-12-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

So after 6 weeks or so hiatus (unintentional), I’m writing two posts today.

One to publish and one to hang on to for a bit

It’s not that I want to be dishonest with anyone.

But sometimes telling things before their time could cause problems.

I don’t think that I will hold onto it long before hitting send.

I believe that people learn more from the end of our stories if they know the middle.

So hopefully after the first of the year I’ll be coming back and hitting send after I’ve had a few conversations.

In the meantime…

I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I believe in change.

Sometimes I even still have hope in change. :o)

I hope and pray that you all can say the same.

Hang in my friends.

2010 may not have been all we hoped. But it ain’t over until it’s over!

AND 2011 is a big package waiting to be unwrapped.

-Gina

Taking a Step Back

2010-10-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

One thing seems clear in this little internal fight I'm in.
I've stacked the deck against my self in a lot of ways.
One of the things that I have been intentional about over these last few months is at least paying attention to bad habits, thoughts, and actions.
But I haven't really stopped to do more than take note.
Introspection is good. But introspection that leads to no action leaves you stuck where you are, even if where you are is sick.
So today - something changes.

One of the things I really feel compelled to cut out as an influence in my life right now is some of the TV I watch... most of it actually.

Yes - I can hear the gasps of those of you who know me well.

But lately I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts, when I hit down to their root, came from something I watched/saw/heard.

So for a while at least, I'm going to cut that puppy OFF. I need to change my influences maybe forever, maybe just for a while.

There may be other changes. There may be other cuts. We shall see.

I'm still baby stepping. Let's call this step two.

-Gina

Silence

2010-10-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

So little bit of an unintentional blog break there...

I wanted to check back in here to let you all know that I am still alive!
Doctor # 2... 3 possibly has now said that some of these issues that I am struggling with physically are stress induced.
STRESS

Yeah - I get that.

So I am re-evaluating some things.

One recurring theme here is sleep, actually the lack of sleep.

So the first step is to work on making sleepy time Gina's rituals a little better.

Any other insomniacs out there wanna chime in with what works for them?

-Working on the obvious
Gina

It's a Lie.

2010-09-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of recording some videos for myself.
Not for blog consumption... just for myself.
There are things that I think I need to remind myself.
There are pep talks that I am pretty sure I know by heart but can't seem to give myself when I am down.
I'm thinking I need to record some of those things for myself.
One day, when things come together a bit more, maybe they can stand as a "where I've come from" monument.
Right now. I'm just here.
Recently I've noticed that there are some places that God and I are going to have to go to again for a while.
There are some old battles that are going to need to be re-fought. There is some old ground that needs to be reclaimed.
That probably makes no sense to you. But even as I type it I realize how true it is.
We have had the pleasure of having a guest choir director for the last few weeks, Dick Hill.
In Praise Team practice tonight he said something that hit me square between the eyes.
It was about the lies that Satan accuses us with.
I've had the same well-worn accusations thrown at me for most of my life.
And for the longest time I had the tools at the ready to fight them. They bounced right off of me.
Then I stopped fighting some of them... maybe I got a bit too comfortable in my standing.
I don't know.
Somehow they gained some of their power back. I started hearing them again... being stopped by them again.
But I'm going to stop listening.
I believe that this battle I am in right now for my body and my heart is epic because God has prepared something specific for me.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me that is unique to me. (You have one too friend!)
Satan would do absolutely anything to stop it.
I'm. Not. Having. That!
Yes. I'm still on Psalm 81. I think I'm going to be meditating on it for a while.
Why?
Because it is a story of walking with God... then running from Him.
And it ends with His promise that in returning to Him, even after the running, He will provide.
He will be my satisfaction.
I need that.
Be blessed friends. And if you're a runner too, it's never too late to turn around.
-Gina

Whatever

2010-09-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

So much I want to say but I just can't get there right now.
I even started to write one of my stupid stories but can't seem to get that out either.
What. Ever.
I'm just in the middle of one of those seasons. Some things are fantastic but in most ways/places I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean while a hurricane comes in.
And it's partially my fault.
I'm tired and frustrated. And tired and frustrated Gina pulls into herself.
The old Gina would have found a way to pull out entirely for a while.
Frankly that's tempting this time too.
I don't want to be out right now.
I don't want to be honest.
I don't want to tell you that things are... that I am... just not where I want to be in just about every aspect.

But I just did tell you.

Over the last five years things have changed radically for me in lots of ways.

One of the lessons learned was that secrecy keeps you bound up.

So good, bad or ugly I will keep coming back. Some of you may get tired of reading that. I may go back to my 3 original readers. :O)

But I started blogging for me. I needed a record of things. I wanted accountability. I still do.

So come what may I intend to keep this up.

I read a while back someone who talked about our tendency to immediately take what God is teaching us and Blog it; not do it but Blog it.
I don't want to be guilty of that. So I am not going to take you through my whole cry tonight.
But I will say that I think Psalm 81 is going to be where I am living for the next few days. And we may or may not come back there again here on the blog.

Until we meet again.
Hope all my peeps (all 7 of you) are fine.

-Gina

It's not a big step, but it is a step...

2010-09-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Well a few thousand of them to be exact.
For Baby Step # 1 I chose to amp up my walking again. I really like walking for exercise. It relaxes me. And I remember back when I was hitting 20,000 steps a day (yep... 20,000) I loved it.
And I remember thinking how much better I felt walking instead of sitting like the blob.
sooo - off we go.
And off I go.
God and I need some quality time tonight I can tell by my attitude.
-Gina

Baby Stepping (aka... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie)

2010-09-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know the movie "What About Bob?" may recognize that little title.
My brother and I have often quoted the specific scene from that movie where Bob tries to take Dr. Marvin's advice and take his life in baby steps.

So imagine my surprise when my real life counselor gave much the same advice!
"Gina... I think you try to take too many changes on at one time."
Seriously? Ha!

"I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work... gimmie, gimmie, gimmie... I need, I need" :O)

So I am rethinking some of my approaches to life specifically on the eating/exercise front.
Since she wasn't the first person I respect to say something like that to me (thanks Karen Sarver), I figure I might want to listen.

So I'm going to focus on one change... probably a small change... ~~and then add in other changes.~~
Yes. I probably will add in other changes eventually. But something tells me that mapping out those changes at this step in my game will lead into the control freakish need to just go ahead and try them all at once.

I'm baby stepping... I'm doing the work.

Hope y'all are all well.

As for me:
It is football season FINALLY on Saturday - SEC football begins at DWR Stadium.
Go Hogs and Amen.
:O)
-Gina

We're Not Done Yet

2010-08-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

I'm tempted tonight to write another one of my "things normal people don't tell you" stories. And I think I will take a chance on that in a few days. We could all use some chuckles right?

Jeff? Any ideas on stories I haven't shared yet? Cause I know you and Gem know them ALL. :O)

While we wait for suggestions...

Let's talk honesty.

Most of the time I still feel 16 and that's not in that "the hills are alive with the sound of music, everything is peachy way." It's in the "when will these people asking me for advice realize I am just a kid and don't know anything" way.

Meanwhile I need to be needed. I need to be asked for my advice so I can wax profoundly on something God has shown me. That's not trite... it is truth. God has blessed me with enough knocks that I can and WILL share with you to try to help you avoid them.

But it always, always amazes me that anyone would ask.
Why?
Because I know me. Because I know how far I still have to go.

So often I wonder about the people that are reading these words. I know there are a handful more of you now. Like I think we've gone from 4 to 8 maybe. :O)

Some of you I know. Some of you I don't know, but would love to know.
Some of you are struggling right along with me.
Some of you have your own struggle but were looking for someone who might get the "eh... life" mindset you find yourselves in.
Some of you are my family (hey, family) and wanted to make sure you keep tabs on me.

Whatever your reason, I feel honored that any of you would stick with me this far.
Because let's face it, much of what I have set out to do in the past few months I have not.
Most of the goals to the left of this little blog remain distant goals.
In the time of writing just these past few months I have LITERALLY gained and lost the same almost 20 lbs 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES people! Annoyed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for that failure. But whatever.

If you know me at all by now you know I'm going to try to shoot straight with you. Yes I am frustrated. Yes I cannot believe that I'm actually WORSE off then when I started. sigh........

But we're not done yet.
Ok - so maybe you're done... but I'm not m'kay. :O)

The one perspective that I have gained is that as long as I don't quit there can still be a victory.

So

I am not quitting.

We're not done yet. We will have good days and bad here on ginabob's little blog. But we will persevere.

Pray with me y'all. It sure feels like there has to be a "give" moment soon. Please God, let it be soon.

Love you all. Thankful for your support and love.
-Gina the non-quitter

It is What it Is

2010-08-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

I keep trying again to think of something to write. I like to be helpful. Maybe uplifting.
But I'm just plain old tired right now.
I have 15 class hours left. For those of you who've been out of school for a while, that is a semester and a half.
Yep. I graduate in March. Course it won't be official till March. Lot's can happen between then and now that would push the date back. We have Blessing Baskets and Acts 1:8 conference at work between here and there that may see me too comatose for class.
But I am so, so close.
The past couple of weeks have been tough.
There is so much that I want to say but don't feel like I can say.

Tonight after choir I sat in my car and just didn't want to come home.
I actually drove around for a bit not wanting to go home.
Not wanting to be alone.
Not wanting to be here with my thoughts, my challenges, my mountain of dishes, and my unfinished homework. Not wanting to be home by myself.
I saw a something yesterday on twitter that has stuck with me:
"Sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I feel like God has forgotten me."

It is something that I have felt, but didn't ever put words to. Wondering those things seems off somehow. It seems like I am forgetting the blessings that God has given me. They are many! They are varied!

But sometimes, when I look at the changes in people's lives on Facebook, I too feel like God has forgotten me.

Maybe you're there. Maybe you're one of those people who has gotten things in life relatively easy. You married your high school sweetheart and had 3 precious children.

I know... your life is also far from perfect

You went straight out of college into your dream job and have never doubted your calling

Again - far from perfect

I heard someone say the other day that they were waiting on God for something and they had to wait like 6 WHOLE MONTHS for the answer. I seriously, wanted to slap them (don't spread that around m'kay)

Some of us are serial wait-ers. You married your sweetie, only to see that life crumble. You married the love of your life, but children didn't follow. You never quite landed that dream job... or any job for that matter. You've lived your life single, with no prospects of that changing. You've watched as 30, 40, 50 years have passed and realized your dream life was no longer a possibility.

Wait

Waiting

But what do we wait for? For some reason lately when I think of waiting I think of the verse in the NT about grief. 1 Thessalonians 4:13

The verse is talking about death but really it's talking about hope.

We do not grieve like those who have no hope.

I don't believe in hopeless. I believe that every situation can be redeemed either in this life or the next.
I don't DO, hopeless.
I don't grieve for lost situations, or opportunities or whatever... as those who have no hope.

What I DO is trust.
I trust that God is working. I trust His timing. I believe that ultimately not one hour of waiting is wasted time when God is working in your life.
He - is working when
We - are waiting

I guess that is all I wanted to say. Chose hope... even when things are at their darkest. Trust that He knows every second. The change you long for may be just around the next bend or the next 40 bends.
God knows. I trust Him.

I just don't believe in hopeless.

Give me the Courage to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

2010-08-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

So a couple of years ago as I was going through a rough patch I really latched onto the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Something about this prayer resonates with the uncontrollable nature of life. At the time in my life that I really dug into this the part that hit me was the part about accepting what I could not change. It felt like a lot at the time. I couldn't change the past - decisions that I had made and things that had happened. I couldn't change some of the circumstances at the time. I couldn't change other people.

I had to learn to accept things where they were. That was step one in this long process... and that was almost 5 YEARS ago. 5 YEARS... Wow.

Step two - Wisdom to recognize what I can change and the courage to CHANGE.

Today I went to find this poem, to write this blog, and I find there is more to it.

The more feels so much like a nugget that was just hiding for me today.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life

It is not where I want it. There is still much more change ahead. There are tough steps still ahead.

There is change.

Change can be scary.

But today:

I will embrace change, no matter how scary it is.

I will fully love the life that God has given me and live it to the fullest.

I will not hide behind fat or fear.

I will face tomorrow and forget yesterday.

I will accept what can't be changed and work to change what must.

I will be where I am, because where I am is where God has me for this moment.

-How are my peeps?

-G

It's Been a Week

2010-08-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a little bit. I'm still trying to pop in here once a week or so. So far, so good.
August is here... it's hot.
That's all I have to say about that!

This past week was a tough one.

Early on in the week we got a phone call that one of our sweet volunteers had been in a terrible car accident. We were given no details, just told she was in critical condition and to pray.
News the next day was not good.

Life Support
Brain dead
No hope

My heart broke. By the week's end two people that I respected greatly had left us to go be with our heavenly Father. One I knew rather well after four years of working with her in different roles. One I knew only in passing. He was a spiritual hero of mine. An incredible man who lived literally until the last day to share Christ and make disciples. She was a hero of mine too - someone who served tirelessly behind the scenes... never asking for credit or reward.

My heart broke last week... repeatedly.
Tough week.
While I rejoice for their struggles to be over on this earth I mourn for their families and friends. Life lived without these two is a little less bright. Heaven and the prospect of heaven got a little sweeter.

You get thoughtful when weeks like last week come.
You spend a lot of time thinking about life and death - about the legacy that your life is building.
You grieve. You examine. You weep.

It's the ups and downs all wrapped together that make our lives what they are. It is the good and the bad that shape us. It is how we react, how we walk this life, that tells a lot about who we are.

Tonight I'm thinking about what this next week holds: two funerals - one wedding.
Life... it goes on.

I am determined to not waste a second of it.
I am determined to build the legacy that Christ desires.
I am determined to follow the lessons of making disciples and serving others that I have seen modeled so well.

No regrets. No words left unsaid. Live life well. Live life fully.

-G

The Cupcakes that I Wish Weren't There

2010-07-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

I do pretty good when people are around.
I was about to say "I don't know why that is" but I know EXACTLY why that is.
I always feel like people are judging my choices.
So when we're in the big room with everyone celebrating I can absolutely turn that yummy, frosting-heavy, cupcake away.
If, however, it sits in the fridge or on the counter afterward, it becomes a bit more difficult.
People sometimes joke about food talking to them.
Somehow it's true... there is an awareness that whatever it is: in this case - yummy, frosting-heavy cupcakes, still reside in their happy box in the fridge... not 50 feet away.

And my brain - especially on days like this - when stress pounds and my heart is hurt (will write about that later) - my brain wants to just down a freakin cupcake!

But today I'm not going to.

Today I am going to resist and pray that tomorrow and the day after I can as well.

When the cupcakes leave they are always replaced by something else. That is what it means to be obsessed with food. That is what it means to mentally, physically know that the food will, even just for a moment silence what hurts you. It's what it means to have an actual problem with food itself.

Yep. Today I'm facing my problem head on... but I'm not gonna lie to you... today that fight kinda sucks.

Hoping my peeps are all well.

Keep going!
-G

Thankful!

2010-07-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written on my "weighty" topics. So I wanted to get some updates in.

I was reminded today by a sweet, sweet friend who is walking this weight loss road with me that even GOOD events can be stress in your life.

And these past few weeks have had some good stress. :O)

Since I am typically a very emotional eater I have noticed one pretty drastic change in this last week.

I am fully here and feeling my emotions as they come and NOT eating through them.
And - I have survived that.

I am back on track this time - and I'm just believing that it's for good.
No stopping the momentum this time - no ma'am!

So here's my update on where I've asked to be held accountable.

Exercise - taking a little break while I adjust to some food changes
Food - Woot - On track
Food Tracking - Woot - On track!
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm - Oh dang... um not so much. Adjust. :O)
Water - Woot - On track!

I am pretty much just in the groove again and doing great.
I'm at 17 lbs total lost since I started "The Fight" on my blog.
Yee-stinking-haw!

How are my peeps?

Have a great weekend!

-Gina

Eventful!

2010-07-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

What a crazy few days it's been.
Let's start with the SO fun, fun news!

I got to be present at a friend's engagement. Her guy totally surprised all of us. A few of us had it figured out a little early... but at this point in the night we had no idea.

We did dinner together and then headed out for some letter boxing (which I had never heard of before).
Our future bride-to-be navigated for us.
We walked around this beautiful place (I have few pictures but pictures do exist!) and laughed and talked.
Then we finally hit the spot for the treasure.
David (groom to be) had Andrea navigating still and had prepared this fun poem and riddle. Then at the end of it it said to turn around to the one who is kneeling behind you.
Happy Couple:

SO stinking sweet.
What a great night!

Meanwhile we are all about to die from heat exhaustion (I kid... I kid...) so we followed up the sweet proposal with some sweets from Cold Stone.
All in all a super night.

So this morning I come into work to find out that my friend Tiffany has gone into labor.
Tiff and her husband David (could she look any more beautiful going into labor? - seriously disgusting!)

Little Molly Cate will be here any minute now and I cannot wait to kiss her little cheeks!

Could the week get any more exciting?!?! I challenge it too... because what FUN. :O)

Random

2010-07-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

Because I can't quite seem to break this batch of writer's block, I figured I would just tell you some random things that I am thinking of tonight.

1. Fanta always makes me think of Ukraine because when you went to any restaurant instead of asking what you wanted to drink they would say "colafantasprite?"

2. Speaking of Ukraine, I was almost hit by a car there with my good friend Donna. It seriously crashed just FEET in front of us and right into a building.

3. I have broken the pinky toes on both of my feet. The left one I broke by kicking a table leg when I was in high school. The right one I broke by kicking the bottom of a weight set a few years back. It hurts - a lot. I was not angry either time. The last time I broke it the morning of a Razorback Game and I still walked all the way to Razorback Stadium and back on it. It hurt - a lot. :O)

4. I love being in plays and musicals. I just don't do it anymore because I don't have the time. But I still dream that I am in a play and haven't been prepared for it - don't know the lines and songs.

5. I was once walking beside my brother in a parking lot and I just tripped over my own feet and went down like a sack of potatoes. I am pretty sure he thought I had dropped dead. I fall - a lot. :O)

6. I like playing the piano and singing in an almost perfectly dark church with just a piano light. It is soothing and worshipful and some of my best "me and God" moments were there.

7. My absolute favorite worship moment was at the Broadmoor hotel in Colorado Springs. I was by myself in this out of the way lobby playing on a grand. I started playing the Midnight Cry - "I hear the sound, of a mighty rushing wind." and a storm came over the mountain with wind that shook the windows of the hotel. It continued to howl the whole time I sang.

8. I write songs - music and lyrics but I stopped a few years ago. It is a silence in my heart that I continue to hope breaks soon.

9. My brother Jeff always called my future husband "Biff the Biblical Stud." We had a name for his future wife, but I don't remember it, because he and Amelia got married before we had time to really use it much.

10. I hate mice. I once stepped on a mouse in the dark in my bare feet. It was NOT a good experience.

11. My hands shake for no reason that anyone can find. Which sometimes makes it difficult to hold a mic when I sing. Adrenaline makes it worse... which makes me look nervous a lot of times when I am not. I dislike this about myself very much.

12. Has anyone really read the other 11? Really? Ok. My house, car, and desk are a disaster area. Try as I might I have not found the secret to killing the clutter in my life.

13. I once was involved in a fight over a monopoly game that turned ugly enough we had to leave the house. All four of us still cannot agree. Well two of us agree. It's two against two actually.

14. I like cartoons more than any woman my age should.

15. I need to end this list on a multiple of 5. I don't know why. I just do.

-G'night!

Shh..

2010-07-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have tried twice to write what's on my heart tonight and I just can't.
Maybe tomorrow?
Just wanted to check in and say that I'm still kicking.
I'm seriously just not giving up this time, no matter how much change truly scares me.
Prayers? Yeah... that'd be good about now.
-G

I Miss Me

2010-07-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

So I've been absent for a little while.
You can always count on that as a sign that something is happening for good or bad... hmm... I guess that's usually bad because good stuff I always manage to make time for.
Let's not analyze that m'kay?

Once again I can say honestly, though there have been many stumbles, I am learning a LOT about myself.
It is this foundation that I hope I can start to build the healthy me on.

I'm 34, and still learning what makes me tick. I hope that's normal?! I don't care really if it is or not I guess, cause it's normal for me. :O)

Today for some reason I have been thinking about fearnessless.

Specifically I've been thinking about how fearless we start out in life.
When we are little we have to be told not to touch the hot oven, stick metal into electric sockets, or other random examples (you moms can fill in those blanks).

Those are good things to avoid, but somewhere along the way we get messages from life or wherever that let fear creep into us in other ways.

Fear that other people won't approve of us or like us.
Fear that you are just a big screw up (that's not just me right??).
Fear that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Fear of snakes (totally valid FYI).
Fear of clowns (See above re validity).
Fear of not fitting in.

Fear.

I kinda hate it.

While I have battled with it in various forms throughout life, I have realized that I have just let it have its way in other areas.

And instead of dealing with it, I've been avoiding.
I have some super methods for avoiding things and avoiding feeling things.
And I am working on chipping those away.

I miss me. Lately I just think I've been too much in avoidance mode. And when I get there the fun Gina takes a back seat again.

I like fun Gina a bunch. There is a mix between serious Gina and fun Gina. There needs to be balance. But fun Gina has been off more than on for a bit.
We're inviting her back to the party.
I like things better that way.

How are my peeps? Check in with me either e-mail or comments. I like to know!

-Fun Gina

Thursday - Unite!

2010-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Not much new, news to report.
I'm holding my own despite the fact that my stomach is hating on me again.
I am wondering if my inconsistency so far is the cause of this. When I eat junk my body has to detox a ltitle bit again causing me to feel like junk.
Need to remind myself that might be the case when I decide I need that junk again.
As for now I am back on target. See - Not.Giving.Up!

Today, well actually I think yesterday, I read a story by another lady in the blog-world who is on the journey.
It was hard for me to read. This link is to an older post of hers that had just come up on another blog.
When you are overweight you already feel like everyone is judging you.
So to hear of someone having to face that judging head on just made me angry.

Since I know some of you don't share that struggle I think I am going to take today to address this little issue.

You may think that the overweight person is somehow invisible or oblivious. But when you are making comments and/or snickering at them - they are perfectly aware.

Dealing with this issue for most of us has been a life long battle. If it was as easy as "put down the fork" we'd all be skinny-minnies. But there is much more going on. Much more is typically at stake.

While you know my story, or at least parts of it, you do not know everyone's story.

Keep in mind that the person you are talking about/too/behind is a living, breathing human being who has feelings. You do not know their struggle. You do not know their day.
Perhaps they are on an upswing and doing really well. That person that looks overweight to you may already be halfway through a loss and feeling proud of themselves. Today may have been the first day in their journey. They may (as my blogger friend above) have just walked a marathon on a bad knee and not been able to walk through the grocery store.

I will end by echoing what Lyn said the other day: Compassion is free!

You can be the person who encourages the hurting or you can be the person who heaps one more hurt on them.

What can you do?
I'll tell you what I do. When I see someone in my shape or worse I pray immediately. I pray that God would encourage them, heal them, and help them. When it's someone that I love I encourage them in positive steps and do my best not to derail their efforts.

What I don't do?
I don't say a word. UNLESS... unless... unless... I hear/see a situation like above. I will be the one who tells someone in the above situation that they are outta line.

Be the light my friends. You can do it.

-Gina

Sometimes it is what you think it is

2010-06-14T14:23:00.001-07:00

Well it's Monday.
Monday is my usual weigh-in day at the center but I am playing hookey today and waiting until tomorrow.
Yesterday I was feeling funky again (what is it with me and Sundays?! It's seriously frustrating).
Anyhoo... yesterday I was feeling funky again. And I have something about feeling funky = pizza.
I know right?!
So I decided it wouldn't hurt me too much. I'd been crazy good before that.
But that dang pizza - I'm thinking it may be the salt.
So since the scale saw a ridiculous not humanly possibly bump this morning, I delayed weighing.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow! :O)

I find that I do much better with people than without. When I'm alone I can much more easily talk myself into the same old bad habits.

So that's yet another reason to be OUT and about more than sitting at home.

Meanwhile Jillian and I have temporarily parted ways while I try to figure out what happened to my leg. I'm afraid to work out on it while it hurts like this. I'm sure if Jill were here she'd tell me to buck up/suck it up in her ever so pleasant way. :OP

Ok.
Off to fight another day.
-Gina

Friday Update - Things No One Tells You

2010-06-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night.
Nothing significant about that necessarily, except that another week has passed. :O)
Once again I have to say that I am learning a lot about myself on this little journey.
I was reading somewhere the other day on another blog (wish I could remember which!) where the writer was talking about sabotaging herself when she started to see results.
I can relate.
In focusing a little bit on some of the things I notice trigger me... success on weigh in days is HIGH on the list.
When I went to the center this week I had lost more weight and inches (they measure once a month). They were proud of me. I was too, for about 6 hours.
There are a lot of reasons for that. I am sure at some point on this journey I'll get into them, because I know some of you will relate.
Now is not the time for that little talk. I have some praying, reading, talking and walking still to do before I will feel free to discuss.
I think it's important though.
As for today, things are good. And yes I am back to "one day at a timing it," which may switch to "one hour at a timing it" any second now!
When I went to the MRC folks the other day one of the things they challenged me with was to not run from the bad days. Even when things aren't stellar - get on in there and talk.
I don't like to fail though... so that's kinda counter to my usual methods!
Change will mean realizing it's ok to not be 100% perfectly successful 100% of the time.
Hi, my name is Gina, and I'm a perfectionist. :O)

Weight - down
Water - up
Sleep - sucky
Exercise - punishing (I told you Jillian hates me)

Gina - still in it for the long haul.

How are my peeps doing? :O)

Tender-hearted

2010-06-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is tender right now.

My heart is tender to lots of things just about all the time. Some things always move me to tears - weddings, hurting people, love, death - you get the picture.

But right now my heart is tender-er than normal (yeah - not great grammar).

I feel thin-skinned. It's not in a way that I am easily offended at things but in a way that seems like the slightest emotion can bruise me. The most innocuous conversation can bring me to tears.

My heart is just tender right now.

I've spent a couple of days trying to figure out what's at the root of where I am emotionally. It's not hormonal. It's not entirely situational.

I think I am on the edge of something huge because of all the things in life that just seem uncertain. In the middle of that I think that God is preparing my heart for new things and new growth.

The analogy that I keep thinking of in all this is how you tenderize meat: you beat the crap out of it. In the past year I have had situations and people that have done just that. People and situations in this past year have challenged me, broken me, and in some cases hurt me.
Being hurt is a part of life. Being hurt is a by-product of loving people.
I used the words "broken" and "brokenhearted" a lot this year. Things that seem vital to my happiness have been, and still are, ultimately out of my hands. That leaves me feeling out of control. If you know me... out of control is not in my comfort zone of emotions.
I know that ultimately my happiness comes from my relationship with Christ. Really my joy comes from there and there are a LOT of joyful moments in my life.

I do a lot of celebrating too.

But my heart is tender right now.

While I think I may be rambling a bit I do have a point.

I'm on several journeys in my life.
I'm working hard to be healthy and lose weight.
I'm walking through new territory being totally in love with an incredible man that I've been dating for almost two years. Going from life-long singleton to a long-term relationship is a joy but definitely a challenge as well.
I'm daily working on my relationship with Christ and learning about grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I'm daily working on my relationships with friends and family - trying to be a good daughter, friend, sister and aunt.
Right now a lot of blogging seems be focused on the weight-loss journey. While my weight doesn't define me it has influenced a lot of other areas in my life and I am working to change that. Since many of you are as well, I have chosen to fight this publicly in order to hopefully help you while I learn and struggle.

Possibly because I have been so open about it... it has added another tender spot in my heart.
I so wish that my emotions weren't this close to the surface right now. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel decidedly uncomfortable.

I am however, not giving up or in. I am pushing on. I am going to continue laughing, loving, screwing up, getting back up, apologizing when needed, crying when needed and living life.

Since we're in this boat together... I'll probably keep blogging too. :O)
How are y'all doing?
I'd sure love to hear.

Vacation and Jillian Michaels

2010-06-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well before it’s been a month… I needed to get back in here and update!
Let’s skip the diet portion of our day and talk about vacation. I’ll update on food and such later. Frankly I don’t think I’m in the mood to talk about it today - and maybe not tomorrow. Oh, except to say that even though she doesn’t KNOW me, I am certain Jillian Michaels hates me. No one who loved me would treat me like she does in the Shred workouts.
Now - on to vacation!

I had one.
The end. :O)

Just kidding.

I just got back from Florida with my traveling buddies Tina and Tracie.

We had a bunch of fun.

I got a sunburn.
We went deep sea (ocean really) fishing.

We made idiots out ourselves in front of state park signs.

We had a bunch of fun.

I came back tan(er) and remembered that I look better with a tan. However since I don’t particularly like the heat it’ll probably fade by July. :O)

The End.

The Dreaded Binge

2010-05-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

I let some time slide before I wrote about this. Mostly I did that because I wanted some perspective but I also didn't want to use it to condemn myself. I wanted to analyze what happened and see if I can make some mental and emotional connections for the how and why.

A week ago Monday - 8 days ago - I had my weigh in with measurements. I had lost 10 lbs total and 15 inches overall (legs, chest, hips, etc.). It was an incredible result that got me an "atta girl" from the consultant. I felt GREAT, for a bit.

On weigh in days (since I'm down there) I always get a chicken salad from Chick-Fil-A. It's close and easy to get and head back to work.

But for some reason after weigh-in that morning I instead struggled. And the ending choice from the struggle was a Sonic burger with fries. Lunch... Sonic. Dinner... started with something (I actually can't remember what) and ended hours later with Dominos.
In the course of those two meals I hit my calories for DAYS.

The question I was left with at the end of it was why?
What could have caused me to mindlessly eat after all I've learned??

I actually have no idea! The psychologist in my wants to analyze the crud out of it. Am I sabotaging myself? Was there a trigger there that I missed?

At the time, and now days later, I still can't find it.
Which scares the crap out of me!
Part of this journey is changing habits but ALL of it is about changing me. How do I change something that I can't identify?

Things I do know:
You don't change overnight.
I got RIGHT back up on the "horse" the morning after such a terrible day.
I'm at 8 days now completely ON plan. FYI - a record for me. :O)
I don't have to understand. I just have to file this one away to watch out for in the future.
You don't change overnight.

Well there's your Tuesday info - maybe more than you wanted to know. But it's so important for me to put the good and bad out here. Because if you don't see both then I'm not really helping anyone, including myself.

We can do this!

-Gina

Sunday update - Proud of Myself!

2010-05-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

Week 3ish saw everything CLICK! I got all my water and exercise. I ate what I needed no matter what (see below)!

13 lbs down

This weekend combination has been one I've been worried about for a while!
Friday night = eating out with friends
Saturday = Worldfest at Branson (mmm funnel cakes)
Sunday = Mother's Day

It's all my triggers in ONE WEEKEND! :OP

Guess what?

I didn't cave. I didn't eat a sandwich on Friday night... didn't eat anything off my plan. I didn't eat crazy on Saturday at Silver Dollar City. Even when I panicked a bit I was able to remember advice from a friend and ask to have something prepared completely differently then what was available. And they discounted it because I was asking for something WAY simpler then they charged for. WOO! :O)

Even exhausted and face to face with yummy, sweet, good stuff I didn't cave. And that has never, in my lifetime, ever happened under those circumstances!!!!

Enter Sunday, today, which I was most certain would get me. It's the dreaded by many childless and/or single women - Mother's Day. Frankly it is a day that I almost always miss church... baby dedication, mother's recognition... painful. I'm happy for so many others, especially my new mom friends!!! But it can be a hard day.
I was fairly certain that the emotion of the day was going to win out because missing church is not an option so I was going to get the full barrel day.
But. It. Did. Not!

It didn't hit me until I started singing it, but our opening song was worded straight from Him to me. I was on Praise Team again so it hit me with mic in hand! God is always faithful to provide exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!

So I leave you today with my message from today. God has not forgotten you, no matter where you are or what you face. He is going to use you. I'm counting on God!
-G

I'm in a fight not physical
And I'm in a war
But not with this world
You are the light that's beautiful
And I want more
I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength
To live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God

I am counting on
I am counting on God

Ginabob?

2010-05-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

So Brent Riggs is hosting a "Where did you get your nickname from?" Linky, and it seems like a good time to answer an actual FAQ!

How in the world did I get the nickname "Ginabob?"

People from all ranges of my past still call me that name. But where did it start?

It started in highschool.

We were doing a project (don't judge me for the upcoming stereotype ok? :O) on the Vietnamese relocation to Ft. Chaffee. We kept interviewing people whose last names were spelled all different ways, but were always pronounced "winn." Some of these names had no letters that could, at least in our minds, justify the pronunciation.

So we decided that we would rename each other. My name was "Bob" spelled G-I-N-A.

By the end of the project several friends called me Bob which morphed by college to be GinaBob. Years later - it has stuck!

That actually was my second nickname. The first being (thanks to my brother Gem) "froggy." He still calls me "froggy" most of the time and he tries to get his kiddos to call me Aunt Froggy. This is all due to the fact that I am ridiculously double-jointed and used to sit/sleep a bit weirdly growing up.

Side bar - don't do that... or let your kids do that... because it will accelerate their inevitable knee problems in later life from being double jointed. :O) End side-bar.

-Gina(froggy)bob

It's Not You... It's Him

2010-04-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite ways for God to speak is when something else entirely is going on and He presses on my heart.

If you're a believer you know exactly what I am talking about. You can be sitting and listening to a sermon on whatever and He just takes you somewhere else entirely.

It happened to me, so sweetly, last night in choir practice.

I've been struggling lately - that's not news to anyone - with all the change in my life. I crave change. I'm always up for God to move me somewhere else or change my situation, physically that is. When it comes to emotional/spiritual changes I can be less than enthusiastic (let's be honest right?!).

But I've been struggling because I have been asking for direct answers - God sized movements - CHANGE in my time - and it just isn't happening.

In reality I know that God's plans are better than mine. That's real information to me. It is not a theoretical thing. I know it like I know my name. His ways are better. His plans are always better. His choices for me are what I need.

But I fight it because sometimes I'm rebellious and just want what I want when I want it! And sometimes in fighting it I screw things up. Sometimes I screw things up enthusiastically and massively (it's an adverb/adjective night I'm thinking).

In the fight, when things inevitably self-destruct, I can get desperate to get back. Sometimes you doubt whether you can hear God at all anymore. Have I gone too far? Have I finally hit the mark where He cannot find me? I know these things will never be true. But desperation can speak loud and ugly lies!

Where was I?

Oh yes... I was in choir.

We had an incredible rehearsal last night. Our guest director (Dick Hill) was encouraging and such a blessing. But I was finally still and letting my heart take a break from my desperation so God chose to whisper. He never needs to shout when I hit desperation. A whisper always works at that point.

There it was - clear as day. You won't be disappointed if I don't detail it right? :O) I hope not... cause I'm not gonna.

Let's just say that He is clearly not done working and I am going to stop trying to give direction. I am going to stop listening to everyone else's good advice and wait for His Word to speak.

When I get down to the core of myself I realize that I want to trust His direction but there are so many competing voices. So many other people seem to know better.

I. Trust. Him.

He has never, ever let me down. I can trust that.

Saturday Update - Did I tell you it's been a long week?

2010-04-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

This change thing stinks! :O)

I have yet to hit the exercise stride for various reasons... that'll change today. Today = either walking or Wii fit come what may!

Water = win
Food = almost a complete win (we've already covered that though. :O) )

I think one of the biggest "yays" for this week was not giving up because it was a stinky, stinky week! I'm happy to have the weekend here now and be able to unload emotionally and physically.

AND, and, and.... I'm at 10 lbs down now. WOO!

Ok - off to clean and walk.

Have a great Saturday everyone

Gina

When Life Happens

2010-04-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

One words sums up the last few days quite nicely - difficult!

I won't go into the specifics of why for various reasons. Let's just say that sometimes even after all the waiting I've done in my life, I still don't "wait well" when it comes to hard days. Hope is good... but long term hope can just be a painful thing some days/weeks. Even other folk's happy news can end up as a painful stab in those times. And when said week includes a ridiculous wave of other people's "happy" sometimes it gets tough to work up a good response.

So I have cried and prayed. I have ranted a bit with some of my gal-pals. I so, so love that my friends get me as well as they do. I love that we can laugh the grumpy away without even saying much - and with each other completing sentences for the other one! :O)

In the 'difficult' I learned another important thing. It involved me taking a fall and then picking myself up and starting again.

I'm an emotion-eater. That's not news. I dropped that bombshell in the beginning right?
What I learned this week is that one seemingly simple thing can start a chain reaction that ends with me overloading on carbs and sugar. And when you compound the simple things together they can easily become one ugly dark cloud... the end of which seems obviously to be (oh random example) food from Taco Bueno and a Reese's Blast from Sonic.

Lesson:
About halfway through said carb/sugar binge I felt ill and actually could not continue.
It wasn't just the food that was making me sick. It was the realization of what was happening = choosing food over dealing with the "difficult."
After weeks on a great diet, that sugar/carb binge makes you sick. THEN you wake up feeling crappy too. Ok so this may be obvious - but it's here in black and white to remind ME!!!!

Victory:
In days gone by a bad day always, always equaled a bad week. The week was blown in my old brain so I could just continue to slough off until Monday.
This morning - I got right back on. (Pats self on back)

Things are going to happen. Things are not going to go the way I want them too all the time. I am re-programming Y-E-A-R-S of one response always being my go-to. It will not be easy. But half the battle is identifying the problem.
Done.

Next. :O)

Heart Stuff and a check-in

2010-04-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

So something that I learned about myself early on in life that is important to know is that I am a burden-bearer.
What do you mean by that Gina?

I think it's the counselor's heart within me. I attract hurting people and they often (even without knowing me long) spill deep dark hurts out to me. I think sometimes even they are amazed at what they have just told me. I've seen that look a lot: "why did I just say that?" or "I've never told anyone that." Those are common themes in my conversations and have been for a long time.

Well duh - that is why I am getting my MA in Counseling... so I can counsel! So it's a good thing that people feel comfortable with me and sharing with me.

But what I've learned over these last probably 5 years or so is that in being a burden bearer I often find myself with loads of burden and no where to go.
When you are the person that people tell their problems to, who do YOU tell your problems to?

Now I know that my Christian friends and I have the obvious answer for that. And I do take them right where they need to go.

If you give me a problem and I carry it, I carry it directly to Him. But man sometimes it is hard to leave it there.

Oh - sidetrack there - sorry! :P

What I learned about myself is that I tend to stuff my own problems inside because I don't want to burden someone else! Some of you aren't going to believe that because I share way much... I over-share. I hear the word "transparent" used to describe me a lot.

But you wanna know something crazy? You can be transparent without actually being completely transparent!!

I have my line of where you can see and where you cannot see and for years no one crossed it.

A few years back God brought two very Godly and wise people into my life who ripped the fire outta my lines and barriers. They forced me to be down and dirty honest. Oh thank God for people who don't take happiness at its face value all the time and aren't afraid to dig into the deep things.

Life has not been the same.

I still struggle with the line sometimes. No I will not spill every deep dark secret I have onto the internet for anyone and everyone. But yes there are a small handful of people who know me down to the U-G-L-Y and I am blessed to call them friend.

What about you? Remember, when you hide you live in bondage to the thing you are hiding. Satan loves secrecy because he can use it as a constant weapon.

Come out of the shadows with me. Live in the Sonshine - it is absolutely spectacular!

(GOAL CHECK)
I have done so much better this week! With the exception of one off meal I have done exactly what I should including insane amounts of water and (SOB) no caffeine!!! :O)
I feel great and (she says proudly) I've finally started losing again. 8 lbs down!

Keep at it people. We can do this together.

Gina

Goal Check!

2010-04-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well I intended to do the goal check up on Wed but didn't get to it. :OP
So I'm taking it on Saturday.
So far - mini-steps are going to have to do for this week. I got almost none of my exercise in, not all of my water, and my food was horrible.
One of my biggest challenges seems to be bedtime. If I could get to sleep, then I could get up in the morning and work out. That's throwing me off.
I'm used to sleeping with the TV or something rolling in the background. When I've tried to nix it I have paid for it with no sleep.
Anyone have tips that have worked for them to break this habit??

On the plus side I have not given in/up. And that has made a difference in my attitude. I'm hanging with it this time; in part because I have people in my cheering section and keeping me accountable.

Starting next week that ramps up a bit with a scale watcher. Can I tell you how much I hate anyone seeing that number but me? Yeah - not a fan! But it's another level of accountability so I am in!

So today I am on target all around and set to purge the house (and pantry) of some junk.

Oh yeah... and as for the scale... I am considering purging it from the house too. Hiding it didn't stop me!!! :P

Happy Saturday everyone! Keep going. :O)
-Gina

What Today Holds

2010-04-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've stared at this white, blank screen for a while now.
Usually when I hit the blog I have somewhere to go and something to say.
Tonight I just know it's been a while... and I promised myself to update regularly.
So here we are: me, the keyboard, and the blank white screen.

A friend's status on facebook the other day was basically something to the point of 'not everyone who smiles on the outside is really smiling on the inside.'

It struck a chord for me and I've thought about that a lot since I read it.

Why? Because "happy" is usually my mask of choice. It's my default. It's my "go-to" emotional shield.
Happy is generally non-offensive.
Happy is acceptable just about everywhere.

Happy is fine, but the "happy mask" = not so much fine.

Life contains good, bad, and ugly. But so often as believers we tend to share the good... maybe even the bad... but the ugly goes right under and hides.

If anyone knew the "ugly" they wouldn't want to be around me. I'm the only person that struggles with _____ and if I share it I'll be ______. My "ugly" is just my problem and I have to deal with it.

Accept I've shared some of the "ugly" lately and you know the mask dropping got me? Other mask droppers along for the ride!!! One who, bless her encouraging heart, without even possibly knowing the chord she hit actually USED the term "drop my mask."

Hiding in your mask; not sharing yourself; letting secrecy win - all those things serve to make the "ugly" stronger. They serve to make your bond to it tighter.

The Christ that I know didn't save me for bondage. He saved me to live free. And I'm going to keep sharing, keep fighting and keep tattling on myself!

Why? Because I refuse to live with my "uglies" as a fact of life anymore.

Today was most definitely a struggle. But tomorrow offers a new slate and it's one that I am taking.
The goal is not perfection. The goal is progress.
Score one for today!

Photo Album Rejects - Family Day

2010-04-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

The months just fly by when you have crappy pictures to look forward to don't they? :O)

For this week Melissa chose family photos which is an easy slam dunk for me!!

This little gem is a classic example of pictures of our family growing up.
1. Someone's (probably my grandmother) thumb,
2. The Bobsey twins in front - check out the curls... HOURS of preparation for that.
3. Half of my brother Gem is cut off.
4. I think it's about as far away as you can get and still take a picture

I love it! :O)

Happy Easter, from my family to yours!
-Gina

See more classic pictures at:

What's on my mind? Nothing!

2010-04-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

So a couple of days ago I talked about my goals which are now posted permanently to the left.
Help me out by asking how it's going. Some of you already have - THANK YOU! :O)

I love, love, love hearing from so many of you that you are setting goals as well. Let's do it peeps!

I'm thinking tonight about what the next year holds. I just have a feeling it holds a lot.

Every year I "name" my year. For a lot of December I pray, think, and journal about where God has me and then get to the heart of where I think we're going in the next year.

This year is "healing."

I always think I know where we are going and I am almost always wrong! But my word has always nailed the year in some way.

I'm ready to be different. I'm ready for things to be different.

I. Hate. Change! But I need different and I need change. Change is good. When you don't change it means that you are stagnant and I don't ever wanna be there. Go change!!

Frankly, my mind needs healing. My body definitely needs healing. It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical thing.

I'm ready to push through the ugly and be better and be who I am meant to be.

This year - healing - change.
It is scary and overwhelming to me but it is time.

Come with me! Get over it (whatever it is for you). Get through it.
Let's Go!

Hmm... guess there was something on my mind after all. :O)

-Gina

Setting the Goals

2010-03-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks friend Eric for throwing down the gauntlet today. I appreciate the offer to have some anonymous accountability, but who am I kidding! Go big, go the whole way, or go home.
:O)

So tonight, after 4 hours of Biggest Loser, I decided to set my goals up here and ask y'all to ASK ME how I'm doing. That may stink but it's what I need people. Oh ha! And that totally makes me want to hurl thinking that anyone might actually but please, please do! (AAAAAH!)

So I am setting some weekly goals and my long term goals. Here they are in black and white. Then I gotta go to bed so I can get up and work out!

Weekly Goals:
Exercise - at least 30 minutes at least 4 days a week.
Food - High protein, high veggies - balance, balance, balance - kill the sugar (I'll be fleshing out the specs on this but I needed to get a start down)
Food - Stay within my calorie range (tracked by my handy "Lose It" app on the iPhone)
Self - TV/PC off after 11 pm with the only exception being schoolwork (also AAAAH!)
Water - drink it, lots of it and every day - at least 125 oz per day

Overall Goals:
Lose 60 lbs by 12/31/10 (HOLY CRUD DID I JUST PUT A NUMBER DOWN???!!!)
Be back to my 20,000 steps a day each and every day by 12/31/10

Ok folks - it's there in black and white. Must find a way to put these permanently in the sidebar. But must do that later!

My shoes and socks and handy DVD are ready to roll for tomorrow.
Let's do it!
(AARRR! - power yell)
-Ginabob

Change

2010-03-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

It's funny In some ways. I remember reading in my journal in a recent re-read the following:
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that when you change you invite more change along for the ride."

Change is just in the air.
I feel a bit melancholy tonight. I'm not upset or sad though so maybe wistful is a better word.

I have had a lot of great conversations over this last week with people who are reading here. HI PEEPS!
I've guessed 4 readers and even gone as high as 7, but this last week has broadened my vision and shocked me quite a bit.

I think part of this current phase has been kicked off by some of what God has been teaching me and some of what you've been telling me.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the "next thing" in our lives that we forget to live and be fully in the current thing. One consistent thing in my life as a single has always been to never put my life on hold waiting for something to happen.

I have traveled the world, walked on the Great Wall, swam in the Dead Sea, ridden a camel in Israel, been almost run over in Ukraine, stood at the top of Niagara Falls, seen the lost city of Atlantis (well the Bahamas resort version at least), and visited the empty tomb outside Jerusalem. I have done so many things that I never would have dreamed possible growing up.

Never let what may happen in the future stop your "now."

Always live for HERE because HERE is all we are promised.

So maybe you cannot travel the world.

What can you do?

LOVE: Love with abandon. Love with ridiculous abandon. Love until your heart may break from the joy of it. Love people who cannot or will not love you back, just because you can. Love until it hurts!

LIVE: Live each moment. Sometimes I catch myself still wishing today away. Yes - tomorrow will be spectacular. At this current season it is tempting to count days until I see a certain person. But any day wished away in lieu of another day is a God-given day wasted.
Live fully. Leave nothing behind at the end of the day. What is it that your are passionate about? Be there - do that. No excuse is valid to yourself for wasting a day by hiding somewhere.

HOPE: Now you may think because I mentioned that I didn't want to waste time wishing days away that I intend to tell you I do not hope for or think about my future. That is so not true. I live saturated in HOPE. That is why despite any circumstance that I may be facing or may face in the future I know I can LOVE and LIVE. Life is full of hope. So where you are now isn't where you want to be - guess what? You can make changes. Life not turning out as you intended (and trust me people I have many of those moments). The future is still laid out before you. If you are granted another breath after the one you just took, then you my friend have a reasonable expectation to HOPE. Now don't waste it!

Love. Live. Hope.

:O)
Ginabob!

When I Figure It Out

2010-03-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for my "aha" moment. But I'm thinking that this time around I'm not going to get that.
This time around I may not have that magical moment that just gels into my brain.
I was e-mailing a friend today about Beth Moore's new book.
It's called "So Long Insecurity"
Perhaps you are in that vein of person that has no insecurities. If so - what the heck are you doing reading something written by ME the queen of insecure? Heh? Rethink please. :O)
I kid... I kid...

This book has been eye opening for the same reason that my Friday spill and the resulting e-mails and personal conversations (ME TOO moments) have been eye opening.

Beth Moore struggles with insecurity. Not only that people, but within the pages of her book are examples of numerous other women who struggle. Praise God - that some of them are even rowing in the same sea of insecurity as me.

Now I do not like to know that anyone is suffering. I sure wish that we lived in the World that God intended.
But we don't. We live in a fallen world and things are not going to be perfect.
Hallelujah friends - that means that I am not going to be perfect either.

So while I battle with my lifelong struggle (and the daily stuff that is thrown in for good measure) I have gained some valuable assets over the last few days.
In coming clean I have gotten several "me too" people. THANK YOU - and if you haven't let me know you're with me... please let me know so we can encourage each other.
Reading and commenting is so encouraging to me.

In coming clean I have gotten to hear some much needed encouragement.

The Goal is not perfection. The goal is progress. So mark today up as success!

The First Thing to Go

2010-03-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Ironically the first casualty this weekend was the bathroom scale which now resides on the laundry room shelves.
There is shall stay for a while. Not sure how long yet.
One thing I realize about myself is that whenever I start something new the first thing I do is weigh. And then I keep weighing - often.
Soon the numbers become the gauge of how the days have gone. Frankly that is no way to gauge how the day has gone!
The new gauge is going to be what I've done as far as what's gone into my body and how much work I've put into my list (you know I love lists... you know there has to be a list coming right?!)
I'm still formulating the details of what this will look like. But have started out with just doing the same things I know to do already.
Oh and don't worry----- I still have a scale.
The Wii-otch** can weigh me when I work out!

**Wii-otch is my affectionate name for skippy the scale that comes with Wii fit. I hate her... I know you shouldn't hate anyone... but I do hate her. She says ugly things like "ooohhh" when you step on... and "that's obese" (while your Mii hangs her head in shame) after she weighs you. Sorry - oversharing again I know but who am I kidding right?! :O)
Ok - night... I have some journaling and list making to do!

I'm Kinda Tired... Think I'll Go Home Now

2010-03-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

I figure this is one of those posts that'll get me a call from my mother speaking about my Uncle Larry and implying (or just saying) that possibly I over-share.
Possibly... I do overshare.
I suppose my theory on this is that too many of us don't share enough!
I think more often than not we feel like the battles we face are just our battles.

I think it is in holding onto our struggles that they can gain their greatest power over us. More times than I can count in bible studies or over coffee (yeah I don't drink coffee really) a woman recounts a story to me while sobbing and the second that someone else (or ME) says "me too" the relief is palpable!

Well buckle in friends. Some of you are getting ready to say "ME TOO!" Maybe some of you are getting ready to say "Whatever?" And I hope the other four of you will at least say "hey I can pray for that!"

Know that for about two months I have attempted this little feat of blogging. While my struggle is obvious to the casual observer it is ironically still not easy to put in black and white. It is definitely not easy to put up on a blog even if it's for the possibility of accountability. There have been some people who have encouraged me to be transparent here (though they don't know it yet). Eric (real life friend) - Annie (person I blog-stalk :O) - and countless others.

If you clicked the links then you know where we are headed if you didn't already. If you don't have your clue yet then let me just get down to business.

My name is Gina.
And for more years that I can figure I've struggled with my weight. I'm not just an emotional over-eater. I'm a celebration-eater too. It's been with me in good times and bad; through sickness and health.
And right now - it's killing me.

I am not unaware of my weight. No chubby, fluffy, jolly, whatever person is. I am extremely conscious of it.
I always have been.
What I am aware of lately is my defensiveness of it and my acceptance of it.
That is what is unacceptable.

So here I am sitting in front of this monitor. Frankly teetering over the POST and Delete Keys.

But I'm done.

I'm done hiding and I'm ready to fight.

This is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for.

Why the heck am I doing this here? Because I realized that I need a "me too" moment as well. I need that something that will link me to others that have done it. And there are LOTS of you out there that have. Those are the people that will help me along this path. Maybe this blog world will help in that as well.

The temptation was there to wait until I had some type of success to just spill the beans. But no... I want you here with me from day one. And this is seriously day one. Ugly - gritty - tear-stained day one.

Turning around and headed home.
Join me?

-Gina

Rebellion

2010-03-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Here's what I'm thinking.
I'm just refusing this crappy, weird winter blast that is threatening to hit us this weekend.
Absolutely just refusing it!
I have plans. Plans with my super boy friend and then plans to be at my wonderful church. I like adjectives have you noticed?
Plans that do not include snowfall or sleet.
They didn't really include rain either, but rain I can beat off with an umbrella.
But SNOW - seriously, it's flipping 67 degrees outside right now.

I know that this stuff coming right now cannot stick to anything because it is, let me repeat myself, 67 degrees outside right now!!!

OY.

Summer - get here already. M-k?

We'll return to your normal bloggyness (whatever that really is for all 7 of you I recounted - WOOT) later after the panic of SNOWSTORM - MARCH 10 passes.

Hugs and kisses
Ginabob

Things Normal People Would Never Tell you - Vacation Disasters

2010-03-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

In reality - I have a LOT of weird vacation stories. A - LOT. :O)
It seems that when I travel - especially when I travel out of the country - that strangeness follows me.
People try to grab me (China). I run into people that I know shopping for mail order brides (Ukraine).
Just you know - random for instances.

Picture if you will the return trip from my first overseas mission trip - wow 10 years ago! Due to unforeseen travel circumstances we have a lay-over in London. FUN! We'd been planning out our time. Lots and lots of things. Being the history buff that I am, I could not believe I was going to get to spend the day in such a great city.
We get into London to begin our site-seeing time, check into the hotel and so far all is well.
Beginning of the site-seeing we start out of our hotel walking in a big pack.
And less than 50 feet outside of our hotel I step on an un-even piece of the sidewalk and severely sprain my ankle.

J_O_Y :O)

Some fun things to know about London.

You can see a ton of things from the top of a double-decker bus.
It helps if you have friends that tolerate your little injured self and ride the bus routes with you.
You can see a TON of things from the top of a double-decker bus.
Donna - Me - Jennifer - Loretta

Some other fun things to note:
The "friendly" hotel staff had never heard of an ace bandage and looked at me like a moron while I tried to describe it. I'm going to blame my southern accent for the chuckles. BUT, but I found out later that the hotel we stayed in had a HOSPITAL right across the ROAD FROM IT!!!!!
I'm certain puffy ankle and tears should translate to injury in any language no? :OP
Ankles that are badly sprained swell up to almost the size of your calves when you decide to run through airports on them with no crutches and then get on a plane for multiple hours.
You know how sometimes your feet swell on planes.....................................................

Our British Air Flight attendant deserved to be flogged for his treatment of gimpy (me) on the way home. If I see him again... and I will remember... I'm gonna kick him in the ankle and run away laughing. (probably not but it makes me smile to think about it!)

My doctor flat out told me I was an idiot for walking on my ankle like that. i.d.i.o.t. Then he laughed at me for quite a while - cause he loves me like that!

All of us, including me, didn't realize how bad it was until we got off the plane in Dallas. By then it was pretty much too late... including for the plane to take us to AR... which we then had to wait a ridiculous amount of time for. I hate late flights. I really hate late flights when I am cranky. :O)

Ok - thus ends the saga of the Great London Ankle Injury.
You may now resume your normal lives.

J-O-Y - Part Two

2010-03-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

Previously on this blog… :O)

You are pre-warned - this is insanely long!

So now I’m worried.
Well not worried - concerned? I honestly didn’t realize that so many of you would get SO caught up in waiting for news. Who knew that many (any) people would be interested? And now I’m thinking you’re totally going to be like “whatever” when you find out I’m not:
1.) Engaged (which was like 100 of your guesses - possibly an exaggerated number or possibly not - seriously people when that happens. There will not be secrecy there will be blimps, fireworks, parties and billboards. (do you know me at all?!? :O)
2.) Moving
3.) Quitting or some other massive life change

But interested you were and engaged I’m not.

When last we left it was Friday night and I was desperately listening and waiting for God to move.

Friday-DAY I had so much work to do. I was entering checks, listening to classes, doing the normal Friday shuffle.
But God kept knocking.
And I kept having to put it off and feeling more and more desperate for the time to listen. I can’t explain this feeling. I mean, I work at a church for heaven’s sake but I felt like I couldn’t stop long enough to process and had to just push it down over and over again.

Desperate. To. Hear.

Oh I am sorry I think this may get long because of how many things I have to explain to explain how COOL this was for me… and WHY I was so excited at the way so much unfolded. I’m tempted to break it up into another blog but I think some of you would kill me.

Years ago I started praying something very, very specific. It’s actually even pre-blog days so that’s why I have to explain and can’t just link. I started to pray for God to change my name based on Jacob wrestling with God and God changing his name. At the time I started praying it I didn’t have a complete concept of what it meant. But I knew I needed change. Over the course of that year (I think 2004) I realized that at that time my “name” was fear. I was afraid of so much in my life. I wanted my name to be (Fear Not).

Specifically I knew with no doubt that God was asking me to sing/speak in front of people something to which I had repeatedly said NO, NOPE, NO-WAY - uh-UH. You hearing me? :O) I had tried. It had not worked. I had freaked out. I was afraid. And Praise Team? Please! all those thousand eyes staring back - ain’t no way folks. F_E_A_R took over even thinking about it.

So 2005-ish (I need my journal here… and don’t have it) God radically changed my name via a super lady named Candi. She encouraged me to get on out there and start singing. Really this deserves its own post! This led to not only singing in a ladies group on the “big stage” on a Sunday morning in front of thousands but to leading worship at a retreat, helping to lead at other events, and in a step that is miraculous beyond the explaining if you haven’t walked the road with me, singing by myself at both a wedding and a church service).
All that led to me finally stepping up and trying out for Praise Team for church and being blessed to be able to sing actually hold a mic and sing in the place I had sworn I would never, ever stand.
That picture and thought still brings me to tears because it was so beyond me. I’m not the most talented by so far but to be able to be used was/is amazing.

See “fear” my old name had been changed to FEAR NOT. I marked that occasion (the first one) with a silver ring engraved with those words which I still wear. It was to remind me that no step onto any stage or podium will ever be my power.

Ok - enough back story - back to 2010 people. Still here?

Friday night - desperation is setting in and I start praying for God to start to speak gently please. I can’t take radical this weekend. I have two finals and two papers. K? Thanks.

When I finally put head to pillow on Friday night it is with much prayer that God would reveal the whatever. And I’m thinking at this point that I’m getting a clue.
We’ve slipped a bit because there is a word that is back in my vocabulary in a big, big way.

Guesses?

Fear. Afraid of what comes next. I’m graduating in December. What happens then? What will the next year bring? So many things seem up in the air right now and I and not in control.

Fear. But God had already changed my name. What happens now? I’m a MESS. Is God through? What is next?

Somewhere in the middle of Friday I was sent a blog link to Travis Cottrell which I read on Saturday night

Now it’s long too - so I won’t make you read it (but you SO should)
But here is an excerpt:

“There is nothing God cannot do.

So in conclusion, please hear this: Fear not.

Fear not.

God has not left you. God has not chosen you to be the one who has circumstances or mental and emotional make-up that is beyond change. Your struggles, your mountain, your pain is not beyond Him. Who are we to ever be so presumptuous to think that we would actually be the ones who have issues beyond the reach of God's power?”

Gina Here again….
aka Fear Not.

WOW

I sat there - literally on the floor - just sobbing. Cause if you ever asked for God to just come right out and tell you something and maybe tailor it RIGHT to you. Well then there you have it.

Saturday night the burdens of numerous months lifted in moments because of one reminder.

Gina - I changed your name - Fear not. I’m not done with you.

Circumstances have not changed. Still have no answers but I am not afraid because God reminded me that he already changed my name.

Fear. Not.

Oh - and cause God’s just like that… and likes to reinforce reminders… I got to be on Praise Team THIS Sunday - i.e..THE Sunday that would be the day after He chose to rock my world.

And would anyone like to guess what Josh Stanbery’s devotional was for the morning of Sunday, March 14th for the Praise Team??
Cause you’re kinda not going to believe it people? :O)
Really - you’re not…

Jacob - wrestling with God - and God changing his name.

Believe it or not - the 2 ½ page version that you just read/scanned IS the recap version. Because there are details that are too personal to recount for blog-land. And there are other details that I think I may share later. I can't help it. God is good and you don't want to keep that to yourself!!!!!

But let me rephrase what I said on twitter.

May I never get over: where God has taken me from, what He has brought me through and what He is doing! So good. He is SO good.

It's about the J-O-Y - Part 1

2010-03-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

As promised a little peek at the weekend though I am sure that no words do it justice.
Let's just go back to Friday. We could go back further. But Friday was the beginning of this little joy-sprout so it seems like a good place to start.
Oh, maybe Thursday night.... yeah let's go there for just a second!
Ok - so my lack of sleep might possibly interfere with this little diatribe but some of you are just chomping at the bit!

Thursday night was a marathon of class watching and in the middle of it God started knocking. Sometimes God is subtle - He whispers. Sometimes, not so much and the Thursday/Friday combo was of the not so subtle variety.

I have been so stressed out about the details of everything working out. How am I going to get all these pages read? I have no more papers in me right now. How in the world can I write 21 pages? I have no energy. I have barely slept for weeks. I am spent. <---- Gina's mindset circa Thursday/Friday morning.

Knock/knock - God on Thursday -
Hi Gina you're really stressing out here. You do realize you don't have to go this alone right?
Me - Eh - it's just a couple of paper, pages, no sleep, life is crazy, general things I can't blog about rightnownuttynessinsomanywayshtaticantevenfindspacesforitkindalife... I'll be fine thanks.
God - Ok

Thursday night I barely slept. Frankly I cried almost the entire night because I was so tired.stressed.frantic.tired.emotional.worried.TIRED.

Friday - Work.

Knock/Knock - God on Friday
I'm not sure exactly at what point in my day on Friday this occurred but I do remember walking over to my friend Tiffany's office and confessing I was fairly certain God was speaking and I had (GET THE IRONY HERE) no TIME to listen!
Somehow the day passed on Friday (if you Facebook/twitter) you noticed that God got some shots in there during the day as well) and I made it home determined that no matter what it took and even if it meant that something didn't get done, I was listening.

And Speak. He. Did.

Now I don't want to cliffhanger you - but I'm gonna - because this girl is working on 4 hours sleep. While it's been an incredible day (Thanks to many things and people) it's been exausting.
So I wanted to set your minds at ease (since some of you had some crazy, nutty theories that I had some insanely good news up my sleeves)
-G-night from G-Joy.

Compassion: Kenya

2010-03-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

I've been following the bloggers who've been on the Compassion trip in Kenya. So many times on these trips I read these posts and just bawl thinking about the kids who have yet to be sponsored. So many kids who just need a ray of hope in their lives. $38 a month can make a huge difference. My own Compassion child (Grace) lives in Tanzania and I hope to get to see her in person someday. But until then I see her in so many of these faces on so many of these trips.
The post today by Brad just broke me and I wanted to share it with you guys.
If you have ever considered sponsoring STOP considering and go for it!
Father to the Fatherless

Ebenezer

2010-03-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

I was positive that I had written about this before but I cannot find it anywhere.
So I'll mark my night/week/month/year by marking my ebenezer stone here on the blog.
Well - it's already in my journal... this is just maybe something for someone else.
You know I always say I hate to waste a lesson so that's why I share! :O)

1 Sam 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

I really don't remember the first time I heard this analogy. I have a feeling it was Beth Moore, cause Beth is just like that! But it's a term I have used many times since the first time I heard it.

For me an Ebenezer is a marker in my life when God does something that is so astounding/profound that I have to put down some stones for posterity and say "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

It's a reminder of where I've been. I can pick up some of those markers (and some are actual physical rocks!) and I can know that God has been there with every step.

Ebenezer - Up to this moment, God has helped me.

I started to write a very different blog tonight but somewhere in the middle of it God just came down and I pulled away for a few hours. Because when God speaks I hope I always drop it all and listen.

Ebenezer

It's no secret. I've blogged it. I've tweeted it. I've facebooked it. I've talked about it with the people I love.
I have just felt broken, brokenhearted. A lot goes into that personally.
I have no doubt that I am His child. But God has in many ways seemed silent for a while in some key areas.
I was a bit angry about that. I needed a word, but no word seemed to come. So I went silent too. Two can play this bit.
I wrote a few weeks ago about fearing becoming Marah (bitter) and wanting to be Hephzibah. Still there was silence and brokenness.
And instead of retreating IN... I moved a little further away.

Tonight I revisited some of the old stones - Ebenezer.
There are places I remember, ugly places where God pulled me through. Ebenezer
There are joyful places where God revealed and I joyfully danced. Ebenezer
There were painful places where God gently led me and healed me. Ebenezer
There is a place - where God showed up and no one could doubt that something miraculous had happened.
Ebenezer

Ebenezer
Little markers to God's faithfulness.
Am I really doubting now that He is good and He does what is good? Am I really focusing on myself when His holiness and faithfulness have been my shield for so many years? Am I really arrogant enough to think that I can pick up just fine here now thankyouverymuch and do it by myself?

So I have wrestled with the brokenhearted-ness this time and come back again to the fact that "Up to this moment, God has helped me."

Tonight I have marked another ebenezer stone because, while I still have no answer I have a promise and I will hold it in my heart.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ebenezer

I Promise.. My Eyes are Brown

2010-03-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

And I promise that there are pictures of me where I don't look possessed... but those pictures aren't rejects so they don't qualify.
Yes it's that time again. My friend Melissa's Photo Album Rejects day is here.

This picture comes from roughly 12 years ago. I'm sporting a dress that mortifies me to look at. :O)
AND the expression. I'm not sure what that is. I will say that the person (and I cannot remember who he was) beside me has a similar expression! I'm on stage at the time, which makes this more mortifying - do I make faces like this often on stage? I hope not?!?

Thanks Melissa for giving me a reason to air these. I already have some good ones lined up for the upcoming months!
-Gina (I'm a she-devil) Bob

Wandering

2010-02-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

So it's funny the different things that can trigger old emotions.
I've been battling a big trigger this week. I won't say what started it because I'm so not about talking specifics when it involves someone else who likely had NO idea what they triggered.
I can say that at 33 I still fight with some major insecurity. (And Yes... Beth Moore's new study is on my list if I can ever clear my current palate of 600 plus pages a week)
Insecurity... just the word in front of me makes me want to throw up right now.
Because even putting it here makes me vulnerable to the very type people and situations that started this little trigger.
Rejection and Insecurity

I think most people struggle with some form or fashion of insecurity. Me, I came by it early in life. I never seemed to fit in anywhere that I was. I always, always felt awkward and isolated.
I learned early to be funny because people who are laughing with you typically (not always) aren't laughing AT you.
It was a good defense - be charming and funny. But it didn't always work as a protector.
As I grew up I found my circle but there were still some places where I would never fit and that knowledge hurt me for years.
Frankly, this week due to some situations and conversations I was smack dab where my little defense mechanism couldn't do anything.
Rejected and insecure - and feeling like I was 9 again.
Ironically the older version of me, I realized, copes much the same as the earlier version.
She hides.
But isolating myself doesn't help because it makes me feel more rejected, isolated and insecure.
Enter yet another vicious cycle that I can find myself in the middle of and wondering how the heck I ended up in the same place again.
So this time, much earlier in the cycle I have to say (hooray for progress) I realized what has happened.
I can even realize what triggered the feeling and how it compounded.
So - lessons learned this round:
1. Other people are going to reject me and maybe just plain not like me.
2. I'm going to be ok with that.
3. Only one opinion matters in the end - God's. He certainly uses other people to get those opinions across from time to time, but ultimately He has the final say in priorities and other decisions (not anyone else).
4. My opinion of myself could use some work and today is a good day to start working on that.
5. Letting anyone other than God set the tone of my day is a huge mistake that needs to be fixed as quickly as it gets off track.

-Gina
- getting over myself one day at a time

No Really... It's Not That Profound

2010-02-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but I think that sounds like an appropriate title for my life lately.
Not that my life is meaningless or anything. This isn't an Eeyore post... I'm not about to go into a verse of "If it is a good day... which I doubt."

I just find myself lately re-finding old revelations. As frustrating as it is for me right now God and I are covering some ground that I know very, very well.
My time in this particular wilderness journey is well traveled. Sure some of the details have changed.
But overall - same song - 900th verse.
Now this is actually not a complaint!
Go figure!
What I am saying is I've been here before, learning these lessons before and would have sworn last go round that we would not be needing a refresher course so soon.
But here we are.
In the same wilderness... AGAIN.
My first reaction on this non-profound realization was almost frustration until I realized something key.

I'm in the same wilderness learning some of the same lessons but I realized tonight in parsing through this that it's like anything you learn in life.

Repetition really is sometimes the key!

When I was learning to play the piano or the flute I would play the same pieces or scales over and over and over again until I knew it backwards and forwards. I would leave it and come back to it sometimes but I would keep at it because I wanted to really learn it.

So here I am.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

See... I told you that it wasn't all that profound.

I learned something my last patch through this particular desert. Metaphorically I learned not to drink the water from that well over there. It's bitter and makes you sick. Don't talk to that hermit. He smells bad and is grumpy. See that cave over there - BATS! Avoid. Don't stay too long at that oasis. It looks all good for a while but it's deadly.

I learned some things last time that are making this time through a little quicker. It's making my trip a little more enjoyable.

Maybe it's my last trip through this path. Maybe it's not. If it isn't... I'm making sure to take good notes this time (journal) because I don't want to miss a second.
Even the rough paths are valuable if you learn something.

Me - I'm still here wandering in a little bit of a circle for now. Just being honest! But I am learning something new this time. I'm not going to waste a second. I'm going to cherish even the weirdness because it's all bringing me to the place that HE has prepared for me.

Yep... This won't make the Album

2010-02-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

Melissa is hosting a contest for photo album rejects and I thought it sounded like fun. First one off that came to mind is from my graduation party in 2006. I cropped out the people who instigated this face to protect the "innocent," but they know who they are. :O)

shudder....

Ice Storm 2010 - Update

2010-01-30T15:35:00.000-08:00

1. Taking down the Christmas tree (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!) - DONE
2. Watching 8 hours worth of classes and 2 hours worth of presentations on OT 2 and the Poetry books of the OT. - SIGH
3. Reading Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and their corresponding chapters in said OT textbooks (somewhere close to 300 pages NOT counting the Bible itself) - I've made a GOOD clip at this and expect to be done tonight!
4. Writing a discussion board post on something... I think I should look that assignment up. - OH - I need to look this up!
5. Pacing out my schedule to not get behind again. - NOPE
6. Figuring out my meals for next week so I don't try to fly by the seat of my pants (again to hopefully not get so behind. - NOPE
7. Praying a lot that I can keep my sanity while I figure out how to fit everything in. - YEP
8. Missing Al - cause Ice Storm 2010 keeps us both safely tucked into our apartments - YEP
9. Watching the snow fall... so my eyeballs don't explode from the stress - YEP
10. I don't think I have a 10... Wait yes... laundry and dishes. - YEP

Also - 7B - Nap... Success

And 11.. Which wasn't on there but should have been... Spend an hour cleaning the snow off the car - CHECK!

Oh and 12 - injure myself mysteriously by slicing open my hand - check

Back to work!

Ice Storm 2010

2010-01-28T21:06:00.000-08:00

Well the bad weather is here. I had already taken tomorrow off to try and play catch up.
I've made some changes in my life in the last two weeks that have been good but time consuming and I have not been able to get my school schedule to cooperate.
So tomorrow through Sunday, while I'm all iced in and hopefully with power, I will be:
1. Taking down the Christmas tree (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!)
2. Watching 8 hours worth of classes and 2 hours worth of presentations on OT 2 and the Poetry books of the OT.
3. Reading Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and their corresponding chapters in said OT textbooks (somewhere close to 300 pages NOT counting the Bible itself)
4. Writing a discussion board post on something... I think I should look that assignment up.
5. Pacing out my schedule to not get behind again.
6. Figuring out my meals for next week so I don't try to fly by the seat of my pants (again to hopefully not get so behind.
7. Praying a lot that I can keep my sanity while I figure out how to fit everything in.
8. Missing Al - cause Ice Storm 2010 keeps us both safely tucked into our apartments
9. Watching the snow fall... so my eyeballs don't explode from the stress
10. I don't think I have a 10... Wait yes... laundry and dishes.

Man - I think I need some naps in there too. We'll call that 7B. :O)

I am determined to make the new healthy lifestyle work... but I need to find some balance as #'s 1-5 will attest. Here's hoping that this weekend will afford that and not include a scrubbing of my plans for disaster relief at the church!

Nighty-Night!

Gina

It's Not Over... Till It's Over

2010-01-26T14:58:00.000-08:00

So yes it is a week later and I am just now getting around to blogging. That is a combination of - 3 migraines, school starting, life drama, and general lazyness. :O) I keep trying to do better and maybe I will!

I was thinking about what it takes to keep going at something. I'm making some pretty major life-style changes (aimed at getting me feeling better) that are good things but challenging.

Change - I'm kinda not a fan. I think I've mentioned that before.

But fresh starts - that I do like.

So I am going to look at 2010 and the months it affords me as fresh starts - EVERY DAY.
Alarm clock goes off - New day - fresh start - WOOHOO! :O)
No re-do's on this life. There are no chances to live yesterday and fix what happened.
But today is a fresh start and I for one am going to take each one for every thing that it is worth.
Life is far too short to do anything else.
Live it people!
-G

Why Yes - I am Procrastinating - Thanks for asking

2010-01-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

I won't stay long.
Just thought I would pop by and let you know what I started today.
1. Old Testament II - OT the sequal. I love the OT so I am ready to get into it.
2. Introduction to the Poetical books - of the OLD TESTAMENT... silly girl - what was I thinking... never, ever take two OT classes together... I never do that. I think I was punch drunk when I registered and got my B term and D term mixed up!

Oh well - it's too late now - and I'll be very poetical before it's over with I am sure.

3. Going slowly crazy... no seriously... I've decided it's my only option at this point.

In reality though I am going to try to be a bit more bloggy. I used to write a daily devotional which I wrote 5/7 days so it shouldn't be too hard to get into at least an every couple of days mode. Let's see how I do - especially when my papers are due 8 weeks from now.

Ok - I'm of to read me some Isaiah. WOO!

Gina

Hephzibah

2010-01-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the line I missed a memo.
It was the one that outlined some of the finer "how-to" points of womanhood... I don't know when it was handed out - maybe I was supposed to get it when we watched those "boys in that room, girls in the other" movies in grade school.
But I'm sure I missed a memo.
My friend Jill wrote a great post the other day that shocked me. See somehow I had decided that I just hadn't gotten my "I'm a grownup" badge because I wasn't married and mommy. I figured that still living solo in my solo apartment was what was keeping me feeling like a perpetual college student.
OH CRUD... maybe it's the fact that I AM a perpetual college student that has me feeling that way??!!??
Regardless when I read her post yesterday I realized again that no one feels as together as they look. When I used to teach one of my favorite reminders to people was that we compare other people's shiny outside persona to our deep intimate knowledge of ourselves.
Let's face it - no one, knowing their deep dark secretey (sorry spellcheck I don't care if it ain't a word...) places, can ever match up to someone else's shiny outside show.
Maybe that is why I so often fight to be who I am inside and out. Mind you I'm not going to spill every fault I've got. But I always want to be the kind of person that SHOUTS God's grace because, let's face it, this gal as been given a whole lotta grace.
You know who shouts grace to me when I think about them?

David - man after God's own heart... but also a calculated murderer, liar, cheater, schemer and adulterer.

Moses - led God's people from captivity... murderer - chicken - who even after seeing God in a burning bush still wasn't convinced that God could use him. "Hey God... how about Aaron.. he likes talking to people... I'll still go... but wouldn't you rather have him do your talking?"

Saul/Paul - leader of the early church - writer of much of the encouragement in the New Testament... multiple murder - torturer of Christians

Rahab - used to bring the Israelites into the promised land and in the genealogy of Jesus... prostitute

You seeing my pattern? God never used the person who was "most likely to succeed." God was and is all about taking messed up, frail humans who are no-one and using them to shine His glory and grace.

It gives me hope that I cannot express. Why?
Because the grace that Moses, David, Paul, Rahab and countless others received is just as fresh today.
Though we may feel completely unworthy, when our useless and frail lives are placed in His hands they can shout His glory.

There is nothing that you have done that can knock you out of that running. He loves you.

I'm thinking tonight that it doesn't matter how I feel. Yesterday's mistakes are past.
Tomorrow is a day waiting for me to wake up and be renewed by His life and grace.
It's more than I can take in honestly... because I am a woman who is sorely in need of some grace and renewal.
So tomorrow I am going to press on to the prize that is set before me. I'm going to keep running the race until it is finished. I am going to work on being Hephzibah (God's delight is in her) instead of Mara (bitter).
Regardless of anything else that I do, or do not accomplish in this life I desperately want to make sure that the end it can be said:

Gina - Hephzibah - though her faults and failures were beyond listing, His grace was sufficient

2010... Broken

2010-01-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

Some things for the record...
I intend to write here a whole lot more often than I actually do.
Believe it or not - what you do here is the censored version of my thoughts. My mom implies often that I overshare a bit... but I figure I am what I am (gug, gug, gug, gug - ala Popeye) and there isn't any use hiding it.

I have some thoughts rolling through my brain tonight due to my, for lack of a better term for it, broken feeling lately. Now for those of you who are my PARENTS reading this... I don't want anyone hitting a panic button that somehow things are desperately not ok. No one can rush in and fix me but the One who always desires and works to fix me.

Broken.
I just feel broken.
I posted on twitter the other day that I was feeling that way and I was desperate, running... broken.
I just keep coming back to that.
Broken.
In my mind I think the broken comes out in a lot of ways. I'm broken over a lot of things in my life (sorry you 4... but details are for the journal, not the blog) but I will say habits... words... just me being a faulty human and coming face to face with it.
But in another sense -
Broken
Because life isn't where it was supposed to be here in 2010. If you would have asked me in my early twenties I was certain where I was headed. By now I should have graduated, be counseling for a living, be married, have kids, have written a book or two... it's a much longer list of the "shoulda beens."

I had this picture in my mind tonight of a huge pane of glass in front of me. I imagined I had taken a picture of that life I knew I would have and painted it on that glass. I could see myself on that beautiful glass wall painting with her MA in Counseling and MDiv. She has the perfect figure and beautiful house behind her with the perfect family... perfect life.
Then somehow that picture got smashed into hundreds of tiny bits laying all around me.
Broken
The life I knew I wanted... knew God promised... shattered.

Oh but wait - something else is happening here.
One by one the pieces of the broken life are being picked up and put into another frame. It's one that started a long time ago. It's got lots of broken pieces as markers. But the picture being put together is so much more that what I could have imagined. Each broken piece fits back together into a beautiful stained glass window, a picture that only a Master Artisan could have imagined.
Though it wasn't what I thought I wanted, the broken pieces will form the abundant life, the one I knew He promised all along.
So I am ok... with being.
Broken.

Speaking of Waffles

2009-12-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

We weren't were we?
No - ok good.
Just felt the need to get some end of the year words on here before December rolls out and 2010 hits.
2010 - How did that happen?
Doesn't it seem like yesterday that everyone was stocking buckets of water and cases of Twinkies in their basement for Y2K? :OP

This year has definitely had its ups and downs. I guess you can say that with any year. Somehow I didn't get all my goals hit. Didn't get as many hours taken as I intended. Just wasn't exactly what I had laid out.

But 2009 goes down as a full year of Gina and Al - good stuff.
2009 saw two good visits with the North Dakota crew - which rarely happens with them in the far, frozen north.
2009 saw lots of laughs with my Van Buren crew and no real scuffles (even with the 4th of July rain out).

All-in-all 2009's joys well outnumbered its sorrows and since I had named it "JOY" in the beginning I call that success!

So welcome 2010!
I vow to laugh more... hug more... smile more... pray more... praise more...
I vow to worry less bout what others think and more about what God thinks.
Really there are a bunch more thoughts in the brain tonight but nothing for y'all yet (all 4 of you) but I will say that suddenly I cannot wait to see what the new year brings.

Happy New Year!

There Should Be Warning Signs

2009-12-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

You know that comedian who tells people "here's your sign" when people do something stupid?
I totally think that signs could be put to good use in many areas.
Like how often could I use a sign that said "Warning - Hormonal - Approach with caution..." :O)
I'm not saying today was or wasn't one of those days... I'm just saying... it could be helpful some day.

Today was another tough day as we had our last choir rehearsal with Kim and Suzanne Noblitt. What a blessing those two have been to my life! One of the toughest things about working in ministry is that God shapes His people so often by moving them in seasons. This season has been extraordinary and I hate to see it end. The Noblitt's have such a passion for leading people to know God through worship. Both Kim and Suzanne just OOZE the Holy Spirit and they are a joy to know. I sure will miss them.

Also up today - did I mention the hormonal influx? I know... TMI right? I think everyone should be warned though you know... if you see me all weepy... HEY WAIT... I can totally blame it on like a Christmas song or something right? I seriously spent like 10 minutes composing myself at Sam's yesterday thankyouverymuch KLRC Christmas music. It had nothing to do with someone pushing the wrong verbal button... it was the MUSIC... yeah... music....
OY....
OK...

Night everyone.
G

A Christmas Story

2009-12-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

My friend Eric is doing Christmas stories on his blog and asked for some submissions. It challenged me to get some of my thoughts together.

It was a few Christmases ago and my entire family was together for Christmas. This happens rarely for us now because my brother is up in the snowy north. But that Christmas his family had traveled down to be with us. We were all together. However as the token single in the family it never felt like the entire family was together for me because I always knew/felt that someone was missing.
That Christmas, maybe because we were all together again after so long apart, the missing person was a painful place in my heart. Now anyone in my family reading this little story will have no idea of that most likely. Because that fact and what happened next weren’t something I have shared until now.
Some point during that night it was time to settle in and I realized that I had left my overnight stuff and pillow out in my car. I needed some outside time anyways so I headed down the hill to my car to get them. Between opening the house door and the car door I started sobbing. It was a pretty good pity cry. It was Christmas. I was surrounded by my family but I felt so alone that it was overwhelming. I don’t remember my exact age at that time (easily 30 or late 20’s) but I had been praying on the way down this hill. Why am I still single God? What exactly IS wrong with me? I cannot go back in there again with everyone and be ok. I cannot do it.
Something caused me to look up in the middle of my little pity party and what I saw stopped me in my tracks.

Christmas night skies are somehow different - more magical. They are radiant. That particular night sky was the clearest sky that I have ever seen, with bright twinkle-stars, and in my view was my own breath in the chilly night air.

Perspective…

It was a moment of perspective for me that came from seeing that perfect moment of night sky.

Rewind 2000 years. Granted I am the first person to say that Jesus was most likely born nowhere near December 25th but He was born. According to Luke there was a night where the sky lit up and a host of God’s angels appeared to frightened shepherds announcing the birth of His Son. There was a night where a virgin gave birth to a Son. The same Son years later lived, endured, died, resurrected and lived again.
It’s not just a story.

Perspective… came from seeing my breath in that perfect night’s chilly air and thinking back to that similar quiet night. What a difference one night can make.
Unto us a child was born who would be the Savior of His people.
Somehow with that realization “alone” just slipped away and “loved beyond reason or deserving” came to replace it.

I stood there for quite a while marveling in God’s creation of the night sky and of my own very blessed life. It’s a vivid moment that I can still slip back to.
Merry Christmas!
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests”

If You Lived Here… You’d Be Home by Now

2009-12-02T19:01:00.001-08:00

So I haven’t written in a bit. It’s been crazy. We do a LARGE Thanksgiving ministry here which I get the joy of helping coordinate each year. But while I love, love, love it - it kinda sucks the energy and time from my October/November each year. This year we got to provide Thanksgiving meals for over 3100 families and saw over 5,000 people come through the doors of our two campuses. Over 1,000 people came to a relationship with Christ with 111 of them following through with baptism. It was a great weekend.

But due to the “hustle and bustle” each year I hit December unprepared for Christmas to BE here already. The panic starts to hit me early and the starts to ebb as I settle into the season. This year things seem to have just been a bit more bustle-y. We got to celebrate my dad’s 70th Birthday with some neat surprises for him. Al’s birthday is coming up. Our Christmas program at church is the 13th. There are concerts and parties and lots of people that need to be seen in this next month. Add to that the fun of my brother and his family coming in from North Dakota at the end of the month and you see where the craziness is coming from.

It’s easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle and forget what is important about this time of year. There are a couple of focuses but first… why the weird title? :O)

I know not everyone who reads this little blog is going to be a Christ-follower. You know me (probably know me at least), then you know that Christ is my center and the definer of who I am and want to be. It’s a relationship that I take seriously. I’m not perfect. I’m definitely a world class screw up. But I am His with all my heart. I do what I do, how I do it because of Him. I write what I write, because of what He has done within me. Because of that I know that this world is temporary and it is not my home. The problems, battles, issues and crud that I face are things I face as I pass through to home. For some reason today as I was thinking through a situation that’s just making me sad right now I had this picture in my head of this sign I used to see all the time in front of an apartment complex: “If you Lived Here - You’d Be Home by Now.” It may seem like a strange comparison but I realized that a lot of the “people” battles I face are because I am a square peg trying to feel at home in the round world. If I “lived” here… I’d feel at home right now. But I’m still trying to get home!

Meanwhile - back to Christmas. :O)

Focus # 1 - Christ… for me this is the season when so many people are open to talking about faith. It is a great chance for me to share what I believe. We get to minister to so many people at this time of year. Christmas just opens those doors to share.

Focus # 2 - Family - like em, love em or tolerate em this is the time of year when we all get to be together for lots of extended time between November and December. I’ve been blessed with family who don’t just like each other, but love each other. This year we will actually all be able to be together around Christmas for the first time in quite a long time.

For me personally Christmas traditions are important for a variety of reasons. I’ve always had in my head those things that I wanted to do when I had a family of my own. There are things that I have seen/heard over the years that have struck me as important, fun and/or meaningful. So here are some of those ideas. I would love to hear yours as well - all 4 of you! :O)

Reading of the Nativity Story - Certainly Christ wasn’t born on 12/25 - probably nowhere close to it. But if we’re picking a day to celebrate Christ birth then I definitely want to take time to remember it.

Watching for Santa - Now… I stopped believing in Santa when I was 3 probably because I have two older brothers with big mouths, but we almost always took a little drive (I know now it was so our Christmas presents could get into the house since we celebrated on the Eve and “Santa” had to come to our house early). We would go out and look at lights and dad would always see him somewhere. That was our cue to head back to the house. “I think he’s headed over that way.” It was a little inside joke after a while but it was fun and a great memory for me still.

Putting up the tree together on the Friday after Thanksgiving - I always did this for my parents before I had a place/tree of my own. I think it would be really fun to make this a family event because you can tell the story of where the ornaments and stockings come from. That is how family history is passed down, in the stories from year to year.

Making Gingerbread Houses - I got to participate in this family tradition with some girlfriends of mine with a lady that was mentoring us at the time. She does it every year with her grandchildren. We were like little kids making our houses. It was fun!! And yummy. Even with little kiddos if you have pre-made gingerbread this can be a blast - and OH the memories.

Well I’m out… this blog has taken me off and on over a day now so I think I shall post! :O)

Things Normal People Wouldn't Tell You - The Halloween Story

2009-10-30T19:44:00.001-07:00

Not sure if it is wise to write this up while medicated… but since this is a Halloween story - I wanted to get it up in time for the big day. :O)

This is probably another one of my brother’s favorites. It was also a turning point for me in learning how NOT to behave around boys.

My second year in Dallas for college I decided to tag-along to a haunted warehouse with my roommate and a bunch of other people. Key point - several of these people were boys. What a fun night right?
I love haunted houses, stupid though they may be… I think it’s the adrenaline.
But I usually think it’s a fun thing and a good chance for the girls to grab on to their fella and squeal. :OP

So we head over to Fort Worth to this deal and stand in line forever. If memory serves it was 3 girls and then 3 guys.

Enter haunted house - now granted - it was a pretty good scare for what it was. There were some unexpected bumps. But come on right… it’s not real… it’s obviously not dangerous…
ok?
Stage set.

3 Guys - 3 girls

Guy # 2 begins to absolutely FREAK OUT… freak the HECK OUT… ok… screaming like a banshee… and I kid you not actually get behind me grabbing the back of my shirt like a 4 year old in terror.

Well - I got a little bit… um…. annoyed… :O)
So I end up pulling the entire group - both boys and the other two girls through the entire haunted house.
Now sometimes my mouth kind of does its own thing y’all… it’s a whole lot better than it was 10 years ago believe it or not. But in the middle of said haunted house… pulling these big brave boys behind me… livid…
All I remember is screaming repeatedly “Be a man… be a real man.” and other such gems - the entire way through… “Be a man”

They never called again… go figure. :O)

Yeah… My brother almost died laughing when I told him that story and he still sometimes likes to yell “be a man” at me as a reminder.

Why in the WORLD Can't I....

2009-10-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking that eventually I will get the hang of things or that things will start to make sense.
It's a weird feeling to feel so much like you have things together one minute and then realize - wow I'm a big ole dork the next.

I guess - such is life. In looking back over things you realize that it is rarely good to look back over things. :P
Or something like that!

I think my introspective side is part of what gets me into so much trouble. I second and third guess what I should have done/said. I want to do the right thing and say the right thing.

I want to be a good example.

I want to be a person who is constantly pointing others to Christ and not myself. It is so not about me.

But man do I mess things up when I get in charge of my little life! I just can't seem to help myself. I'm sure I know better. I'm certain that my way should be THE way that I charge on.
I'm certain God takes a lot of looks at me and shakes his head like I do when I look at kiddos sometimes.

Last night I helped out in XLR8, our worship and arts deal for kids. I've had my eyes on this one kid for weeks because she is just gloriously different. She just marches to her own drummer you know. I gotta love her because that is SO me. I watched her last night and while the rest of the kiddos were going through their motions she was turned around. She was still doing motions but she was like in her own little deal too - not looking up front at the leader. She was watching the other kids and just smiling. She smiles a lot - not a care in the world for my little friend.

Lesson there... because as adults when we take our eyes off the Leader it rarely finds us smiling. When I'm looking around at the other kiddos in my little dancing world it's usually a comparison of where they are versus where I am.

How the heck did they get married at 18 and I'm flipping 33 still single? Look at him, he has a beautiful house... why don't I have a house? Oh I'd give anything to wear that shirt, tucked in and not be self conscious about it. All totally RANDOM examples of course my peeps.... I'd never bust myself out in a blog... :O)

You feeling me here?

Why in the world can't I get my act together? I SO have my eyes on the wrong thing again!

It is so simple. But it is so easy to miss.
FOCUS, focus, FOCUS

I am... where I am... because I am... where He has placed me.
I am... who I am... because I am... who He made me.
I am where I am in life... because I am needed... where I am.
I am not stuck, denied, lost or forgotten. God has not witheld, withdrawn, or forsaken.
I am forgiven, fulfilled, and loved.
God is not behind schedule in my life. He is certainly not early. I can be assured He is right on time.
These things will not change, because He will not change.
I am... where I am... because I am... where He has placed me.
And so are you!
-Gina

I have NO Pictures

2009-10-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

But I had a great night last night! :O)

I got to meet one of my blog stalking people - Kelly from Kelly's Korner!
Al was pretty much poking fun at me from the time I saw her and her family sit down- like four rows in front of us. Because I was talking about how cute Harper looked and then Angie came and joined her and I went a little weird.... :P And I know he's thinking - who is this girl I am dating... and why does she know so much about these people that she has never met!

I was so excited for Kelly and Angie to be sitting there and talking together! How fun for two women who have shared some joys and pains to be able to just sit and gab. :O) God is so good to us.

Meanwhile - back to my own blog stalking... After the concert - because I didn't want to interrupt - I went up to Kelly and introduced myself and told her how much I appreciated her encouragement for all the single girls! She was so sweet.

Meanwhile - (why I keep using that word... I do not know) the concert was incredible! I love Selah and have for some time. Seeing them in concert was surreal. They sang almost everything that I would have hoped for. And at least one song that had me just weeping. If you haven't heard "Unreedemed" go and find it.

In fact I will go and find it and link it at the bottom here. It is God's promise to me, has been since the second I heard it. He is faithful to remind me of it at all the right times!

Of Football and Papers!

2009-09-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

I think I can... I think I can...

Well it is Saturday morning and I am going to get back into the swing of things by hitting the paper trail. I have a BIG one due in just a few weeks and TWO due next weekend.

Yeah - I think today would be a good paper writing day!

Today started off at 6 am - snoozed until 8 am. I've not accomplished a lot other than breakfast and dishes so far - oh - and Sports Center. :O)

Well anyways - I'm off the blog-writing so I can start the paper writing.

Happy Saturday y'all!

G

I need to update

2009-09-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

I need sleep.
I NEED to do homework.
I need to graduate already.

I need about 3 days worth of quality time with my Al.

Time is just flying by way too quickly with no way to hit pause. :(

Whiny = me tonight

Really things are fine. I'm making some major "lifestyle changes." I'm trying to decide on taking the last half of the semester off to realy dig into implementing them.

I'm thoughtful. I'm confused. I'm pensive. I'm wordy but speechless. I'm conflicted!

But did I mention sleepy? Yeah - sleepy wins.

Night friends!
G

Things Normal People Would Never Tell You - I “Run Into” People - Part Two

2009-09-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

Not embarassing so much...just falls into the category of people I run into and where I manage to run into them. :O)

Senior year of high school I had my first job pushing papers in an abstract office in Van Buren. This would end up being possibly the best job ever by the winter because Main Street VB (where our office was located) ended up being used as a movie set for a movie called Frank and Jesse.
Line up for this movie:
Randy Travis
Bill Paxton
Rob Lowe

The year - 1994 - January to be precise.

My boss was a huge Bill Paxton fan. But he was a lawyer so he had important lawyer-type things to do. I was a minimum wage high school student whose school was out for the week due to snow covering the ground. The trailers for the above mentioned men - right behind our office.

This is what we call the perfect storm!

Yep. I got paid for almost the whole week to stand around and stalk actors until I could get Bill Paxton and then get my boss to come out for a picture. Jeff (my illustrious brother and partner in crime) was there for almost as much of the time to take pictures - I think he snapped most of what you are about to witness. In the meantime I also got to see lots of scenes. I got to talk quite a bit with Randy Travis and get autographs and pictures of almost everyone - almost everyone.

See… this was just a few years after an unfortunate incident for Rob Lowe that happened to involve teenage girls - so you can imagine that he avoided me and the other teenage office assistant like the plague! :O)

We did get a picture of him on his way to his trailer surrounded by his entourage. I know - you LOVE my cheesy captions right?!

I’d call him a snob but really considering what he was coming off of I guess I don’t really blame him.

Bill was elusive as I mentioned which required a bit of skulking but when we got the pictures - we got them. AND we got them signed. And we got the boss some signed stuff to. :) Note the classy, trendy coat I have... oh wait... I SO have to post a picture of the nature scene sweatshirt I have underneath this deal!

Randy signed several pictures... talked to me quite a bit actually and took some time to actually write out a note to me after he found out it was my senior year - nice guy! (It was a pleasure meeting you - God Bless! - Randy Travis)

Gina - who has no clever sign-off for this one... but has one more - really good picture of Bill - in which you can see the magazine he made sure was in every shot.

Things Normal People Wouldn’t Tell You - “They Tip Over”

2009-09-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

This goes down as one of my all time most embarrassing moments. Mostly it was embarrassing because it took place surrounded by people who I was only just getting to know and if memory serves one guy that I had a big crush on. Don’t ask me who because I won’t tell you. :O) Sadly I am realizing at least one of my "best of" stories cannot hit the blogosphere because someone is involved who would "die... she would just die" if she had any clue of her involvement. And yeah B... I know that just told you what I am referring to!

My brother plays a part in this melodrama because in high school - well pretty much all the way until he abandoned me for college we were together a lot on the weekends.

On this particular night we were at Denny’s and I was showing off/trying to be funny.
The sequence of events changes with the telling but the basic memory is that we were all done paying our checks and heading out the doors.

Now me, being me, was telling a story on the way out the door about something. You know most Denny’s have their handicap ramp as the main entrance (maybe that was just ours). So on our way out the door we were walking… and talking… and laughing. The story somehow involved sobriety checkpoints and tests. Now considering that I have had little to no alcohol in my life and at that point had had absolutely none, we all know that I was stone cold sober for what happened next.

Gina says: “Haha… no officer… I can walk a straight line… look” - then I proceed to walk down the ramp right foot over left. Really I should say that I attempted to walk that way because it really, really didn’t go well for me.

Somehow in the mix (with crush behind me somewhere) I manage to trip over my own feet and tumble full force the rest of the way down the ramp.

My brother and loving, loving friends ~~rush to my side and caringly pick me up~~ run up to me laughing hysterically. I’m not sure how long I lay on the concrete with my bruised elbow and pride before SOMEONE finally thought they maybe should ask “are you ok?”

I’m a faller - I fall… it’s what I do. I have fallen off of porches, sidewalks, down stairs, upstairs and on flat pavement. If you are walking beside me and I vanish chances are that I am lying beside you somewhere - and yeah - I’m probably ok.

Thus ends the lesson

- Gina Grace

Things Normal People Would Never Tell You - I “Run Into” People

2009-09-02T16:44:00.000-07:00

Some people look for greatness.
Some people have greatness thrust upon them.
Some people run into great people - literally.

I could break this section down into presidential, future presidential and other celebrity sections; but we’re going to skip my brother “almost” hitting future President Clinton with our car (I say if the man touches the car it spells a hit but we argue on this point) love ya B… and go straight to my own stories. It’s all about me!

I have a knack for finding famous people in unusual places. If you are going on vacation with me you can almost be assured of some sort of unusual occurrence (Christi will vouch I betcha after she almost got hit by a van in NYC… come to think of it I almost got hit by a car in Ukraine too - wait I’m sensing a theme!) and some of them are of the celebrity variety.

Who could forget former Major Koch almost nailing Christi, Dale and me with his car door in the middle of NYC? We’ll skip the “Mrs. Mayor” female impersonator that was also on that trip.

Then there is the almost insane oddity of being in Israel and having John McCain and Senator Lieberman outside the Holocaust museum. Seriously thought some of us were going to get shot that day screaming “we’re from Arkansas” but I won’t go naming any names on my little blog.

China - I swear I saw Yao Ming in our hotel - really can you mistake an almost 8 ft Chinese man?

Memories…

I digress.

We’ll narrow this story down two my two very literal run-ins with former President George W. Bush.

Run in ONE
I take you to Gina’s first semester in Dallas, Texas. This was well before I became obsessed with politics and definitely before I had any clue who George W. was. I was just getting used to living away from home and fending for myself. I’m pretty plucky though. I’m also well… let’s just say a tad clumsy. BOTH of these things play a hand in this first scenario. I’m guessing it was summer because the cafeteria was closed. Somehow I had managed my way past security and been utterly oblivious to all the commotion on campus. Stinking Student Union was a bit crowded - but the café was nice and empty. So I headed on in to order dinner.
I quickly rounded the corner and SMACKED right into then-Governor Bush.
You know that chuckle - the one he is either famous or infamous for based on your perspective. Well the man was chuckling mighty hard.

Me - I had NO CLUE what I had just done. For all I knew he was just some guy in a nice suit. Even with all the security it just didn’t dawn on me that “hey this guy just might be important.” I’m sure he said something. I’m sure I said something. But it wasn’t like it was noteworthy to me at that moment. I figured I had run into a professor or pastor or something so - whoops - so sorry. Ha- ha - be careful… ha ha.

It was only later - like that night watching the news that I realized the Governor of Texas was at DBU. Then up comes the picture and enters my mortification! :O)
Yep - Gina almost ran down the Governor of Texas. Good times!

Run in TWO
I take you two a non-descript hotel somewhere in North Carolina… I think North Carolina. It was during the presidential debates. I was up in the room when I realized that I forgot my toothbrush. What’s a girl to do? Jeffers was with me (love ya B) and offers to go downstairs with me to buy one at the gift shop. Can’t remember why it was a must have at that exact moment but it was. So we get downstairs and I’ll be darned if the gift shop and half the lobby aren’t blocked off. I can SEE the shop and it is open so I start kinda begging to get over there. Somehow during this process we find out that the candidates for the debates are fixing to come through. So we decide to plant ourselves right there and see what we can see.

Now who should come right in front of us but Future President George W! If I were stupendously quick-witted I am sure I could have some up with some great line. As it was… I just worked with the woman in front of me. She said something to the effect of “I’m telling all my friends to vote for you” to which his response was a big hug. I believe I said something equally brilliant like “hey - all my friends are already voting for you - or I’ll tell all my friends to vote for you - can I get a hug?” And he obliged.

Oh yeah - I’m a DORK.

I think I’ll come back tomorrow with a few of my other run-ins which are of the non-presidential variety. Those are a bit more stalkerish and less entertaining… but I have pictures! :O)

-Perilous Pauline

Things Normal People Wouldn’t Tell You - Getting Rescued at Camp

2009-09-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

In the scheme of things this particular yarn isn’t embarrassing NOW… but when you’re away at band camp and always feel a little bit outta place anyways… it doesn’t take much to push you over that edge

I was spending a lovely quiet evening in my room for some reason. I’m thinking there was a dance or something. Being the always socially awkward gal in junior high and high school - dances were like punishment for me so I steered clear!

I actually had no idea that there was a problem so there is no telling how long I was locked in my room before realizing it. My roommate came back to the room and tried to use her key - didn’t work. She knocked so I popped over to open the door - nope.

Jennifer went to get someone to try and help us out. We’re still figuring it’s no big deal. But “no big deal” turns shortly into an ordeal. No keys work - the lock is “frozen.” It will not even come apart so they can open the door. I am STUCK in my room.

Y’all have been to camp right. It doesn’t take long before word spreads and there is a little crowd down beneath our window. Why?

Because word has spread that “some girl” is locked in her room. Now evidently it is too late at night for a locksmith to come get me out of the room. So the plan becomes get enough stuff for the night for roomie and myself and climb across to the next room.

Yes - I said “CLIMB ACROSS” to the next room…

Yeah - that’s not embarrassing at ALL.

So college student/resident maintenance man at Pomfret comes across with Jennifer into the room. SPIKE (not kidding - actual) - helps us get our stuff together and get out of our window - across to the other window and back inside.

Now folks - did I mention there was a crowd down below? Well there was. The crowd including I think most of our band, the directors… and others that I did not know.
All of whom were shouting up helpful information about not falling - taking care, etc. I do remember Mr. Jones, trying to be helpful yelling something up about taking care of his flute player.

= mortification

Oh… my…

Since that year also included another (yet to be published) incident I got an award that year for “clumsiest girl.” Yep - nothing says love like that right?!

-Lucky Lucy

Things Normal People Would Never Tell You

2009-08-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

So today I decided to start blogging some of my “only Gina” stories. Cause I always think that people know these things then realize that you don’t! :O)

We all know I tattle on myself anyways.

My family calls this particular epic the “Water Bottle Incident”

I was traveling from Colorado Springs back to Fayetteville by myself in February a few years back. The month is only important in that it was cold and I had a heavy winter coat on in addition to a purse and a carry-on bag.
The other important thing to note in this story is that I had bought a large liter water bottle in the airport that I was carrying around with me.

Now we also all know that when you are traveling by yourself you have to keep everything with you at all times. You can’t go leaving your bag somewhere when you need to go grab a magazine or something.

You also cannot leave your bags or say your gigantic water bottle somewhere when you have to go to the restroom.

So when nature called and I answered I had to be a little creative.

I get in the little airport stall with the purse, backpack, heavy coat, and water bottle and proceed to start to find space for everything so I can… ya know… do what needs to be done.

Coat off - backpack on the hook - but what to do with the water bottle? There is no shelf for the water bottle. There is however the handy toilet paper dispenser. Sure it’s round but certainly it’ll balance for a bit right?

Wrong - very, very wrong.

More important things that everyone needs to know.

1. When setting something round on top of something round, chances are that it will not stay put for very long even if it looks well balanced.

2. Bottles of liquid very rarely fall straight down.

3. Bottles of liquid, especially plastic ones, tend to explode when hitting tile.

4. Law of Gina says that when said bottle of liquid hits the floor and explodes it won’t do it in a convenient place… like in its own stall.

5. Law of Gina also says that the person next to you in the stall will in fact have pants down… but this will at least save maintenance from mopping the floor later.

Dear Woman Next to me in the St. Louis Airport Bathroom,
While I do not know you I have felt badly for you for years. No words can express my look and gasp of horror on watching an entire liter of water soak you as you innocently sat doing your… shall we say… business that afternoon in February. Sure I should have said something more than “oooh…oooh… sorry.” Certainly, I might have come out of the bathroom earlier than an hour later, but let’s face it, embarrassed doesn’t really cover a moment like that. I did look for you - the lady with the completely wet pants. Cause yeah - you just pulled up and left - how did you manage that anyways? I didn’t even hear the blower going to dry you off?
Sorry - I got distracted. While I cannot make up for your discomfort, you did give my good friend Crystal the perfect idea for a new line at Hallmark the “Sorry - I wet your pants” line. I think it will take off like gangbusters in airports. Seriously this has to have happened to someone else? Well - me and the lady who dropped her gun in the bathroom and shot the woman next to her.
Come to think of it - waters not all that bad huh?
Again - sorry

Sincerely
Betsy Wetsy

A Whole Lot of Nothing

2009-08-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say
Seriously
I have tried for days to come here and be witty, funny, thoughtful, profound, wordy, or anything.
I am at a loss.

Oooh - but you know what I have had an abundance of this last week or so if we just want to be good and honest about it - is the slightest hint of a pity party.

And in bloggyness - or lack of bloggyness (come on spellchecker - that is too a word!) - that comes off as what I am now going to coin blog-pity or possibly blog-envy.

Wanna guess how that showed up? The reason that I have nothing to blog about is because I have (enter melodramatic sigh here) NOTHING… nothing to blog about. Did you hear me?! I’ve been praying God. What is YOUR DEAL?! HA!

Told ya I was having a blog-pity/blog-envy party. I decided when I was driving to work the other morning that the reason I was having such a difficulty coming up with something brilliant to say was because I had no family here in casa de Gina to write about. I have no cute pictures of little toddling ones around my house to post. There is no other person doing something crazy or funny in the next room every day.

Just little ol’ me here and let’s face it - I’m kinda boring! :O)

Oh - so the pinnacle of my newfound blog-pity hit me the other night on the way past my pitiful pile of dishes in the kitchen. (Can’t you keep up with these - it is just YOU living here) I had one of those just lonely single moments. (Would you get a look at yourself in these unmatched pjs)

What’s ironic about this is this perception that I think some people have of the single life. Now other singles may live this super suave-together “drinking coffee in Central Perk” life - this single lives a “so busy I can’t even keep up with where I am much less actually do my dishes” life. Funny no?

Oh - so back to my blog-pity point.

Isn’t it funny how Satan can creep in with disharmony in the family of believers in the lie of “the grass is greener over there trap?” FYI - no idea why I’m using so many quotation marks!

Single people often look to the married side of the fence with envy. Married people (or so I’m told) fondly remember single days or wish this or that was different with the children or spouse. Why couldn’t I just have this God? Isn’t that just the way things work? So many of you desperately want children… and some of you would love to hand your little darling off for a bit.

Yeah - I do have a point! Life is what it is. God has you where He has you. Let’s face it. He has you where He has you for a reason and/or a season. Nothing lasts forever! If you have a kiddo that is making you nuts you have ahead of you the day when you will leave them in a dorm room or walk them down the aisle. Be thankful that you have them where you have them. If you have a silent house now because the kiddos are gone you can look back on memories of laughing kiddos and look forward to visits with them as adults with their kiddos (and sending them home all hyped up on red dye and sugar!).

If you have a silent house now because you’re single remember that God has given you a season where He wants you all to Himself and rejoice because new days are ahead!

Nothing ever lasts forever even if sometimes it feels like it might. Life is all about seasons.

So blog-pity is done now that I have unloaded it. We’ll just see what we can find in this little corner of the web to say about my actual crazy life that doesn’t contain anyone toddling on my floor or snoring in the next room. It does contain plenty of things to be thankful for… plenty of people that I can blog-tattle on (watch-out Al! just kidding)… and plenty of randomness in my brain.

I’ll try to hit this place more than once every other week.

That’s all for now

-Suzy Sunshine. :O)

In Which She Shuts Up a Bit

2009-08-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

I’m not a fan of silence.
Have I mentioned that before?
Yes - I am an extrovert. That means in general I like things to be bubbling - preferably bubbling around me. :O) But I don’t just mean silence in that sense. I am not a fan of silence in life either.

This shows up in two ways that are worth noting.

First - I am all about answers. If we’re in Bible Study together you can count on me to be the person who can only stand the awkward pause so long before needing to chime something in to the mix. Silences are excruciating. There is too much that can be said and should be said. However the older I am getting I am also learning that there are lots of things that should not be said. There are lots of pauses that need to be extended. God and I are working on me listening more in those moments and thinking about what I might need to say less.

Second - I’m all about background noise. This is actually where I was tonight that brought my little blogging brain into the mix. I had things to get done tonight. Ok… not really much outside of a bit of tidying up and some cooking. Oh - and maybe some facebooking (c’mon spellchecker - that is so a word!). While I went about my business I hit my favorite source of background noise- HULU! I very rarely just watch anything so I was doing that and 9 other things.

Noise - lots and lots of noise

Then I hit my blog rounds and found something that stunned me into silence on Kelly’s blog.

Unredeemed

Suddenly God had my attention again and I hit silence… actually I hit worship for about 30 minutes in that moment and then have continued in silence. Something about a holy moment that you just don’t want to break you know?

Since you already have a few posts down my conversation about some things in my life that God is working on redeeming. And there is more - there is so much more. I drove home today listening to a song from a new cd that was all about God’s redemption.
Love Story

God’s redemption - stunned into a silent moment.

Why? It is because God doesn’t only speak in screaming moments. He does sometimes. Sometimes He is in the storm speaking. Sometimes He uses calamity. But wouldn’t you much rather hear the whisper? Man I would. It brought to my heart these verses that I have always loved.

1 Kings 19:11-13
The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
_________________________

God wasn’t in the mighty wind or the earthquake. He was in the gentle whisper. Tonight I so wanted to hear that whisper that I shut everything off. It is still off.

Silence - scary - still - quiet - silence

Why scary? Scary because God has so much work left to do here on me in these quiet moments. Scary because I am remembering a prayer this time last year that required brokenness and finally realizing these thousand shattered pieces and my tears of the last few months are the answer to that specific prayer.

God has done so much with my little that I am stunned into silence.

Actually this night deserves a bit more quiet and a bit less bloggy-ness - night y’all.

God is so good!
Silence. :O)

In Which She Writes - Because She Cannot Sleep

2009-08-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

I have a goal - rest. I am sure I will get around to it sometime. :) Maybe after graduation....
No I fully intended to hit the sack early tonight but I got caught up talking with some friends. So I got home late, wasn't tired, had to catch up on Facebook, or whatever the excuse is.

So now I have decided to come over and blog a bit. When last we spoke, well next to last, I was headed out of town to pray over some of my future details.
I know everyone is dying to know what I discovered so here you go.

Nothing

Profound isn't it? Really I learned a lot, just not about what I thought I was headed to learn (See previous posting). What I did hear clearly on future wise was that I am where I am right now for a reason. I keep asking a lot of "but what about next year?" questions but we're not getting that far.

Back when I used to write my daily devotionals I had a favorite word picture that I used to use.
It comes from Psalm 119:105
Psalm 119:105 (King James Version)
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

Being the detailed person that I am something jumps right out from this to me. The promise is for a lamp at my FEET. God's not promising the whole Coleman camping lighting package. Typically God's guidance doesn't come in the form of a 19 step manual of how to get from point A to point Z. You get the beam - directly on the path in FRONT of you getting you from point A to B.. then C... Then D... sometimes you get D to G. :O)

You're seeing my point right?

My little reminder was that I may not have everything mapped out, a prospect that Gina the controlling, list making freak is not a fan of fyi, but I do have C to D. When D is close to being done (get it... D = Done...) then the beam will head to E. Until then I am going to be content with the Word lighting my feet one shuffle step at a time. One thing is for certain, if I continue to focus on the Word lighting my path and stop trying to see where point "M" fits into the picture then I am a whole lot less likely to stumble.

Here endeth tonight's lesson.

Night all. :O)
-G

In Which Memory Lane Gets Rocky

2009-08-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

Couldn’t wait to share! :O)

As I sit here starting to write this it is 1 am on Saturday morning and I am winding down a pretty incredible weekend. I think when I look back on this weekend one of the words I will use is amusing. Because I came up with a good idea of what I wanted God to speak to… and He had a completely different plan.

Just hours after I started this journey I started out in the car in a pretty down state. Things did not get off to the best of starts (won’t bore you with details but it involved a twisted ankle and a bill I thought was paid that wasn’t). I was determined not to waste a minute though so I started praying and singing as soon as I hit the highway. This would be the moment when I realized God’s plans and mine were about to not “mesh.”

Have you ever had a spot in your heart or memory that is like a nerve? It’s like you can prick it from time and feel that pinch of pain. Every once in a while you do it just to see if it’s still there. But as long as it doesn’t really bother you - you don’t bother it either. On the drive up I had one of those spots lingering in the back of my memory. This is a place down memory lane that I felt was well traveled y’all. Seriously it is a place that I felt like God and I had visited enough that we’ve marked our stone. We came. We saw. He conquered. I had the scars you know… He had the glory. But on the drive up here every time I would touch that memory again the tears would flow.

You know I’d love to tell you I threw the door open right there but I gotta say I was still hoping that we weren’t gonna go there. Oh - how - wrong - I - WAS….

We started off this morning (Friday) dealing through some of my agenda. Check… check… no concrete plans but that gentle guidance that I’ve come to expect. Peace - stillness… wait - there is that whole “not-meshiness” again. Why are we revisiting that God? We’ve been there remember? We did that? Don’t you remember?

I’ll fast forward a bit to let you in on a little secret that I’ve learned… sometimes when you drop things cause you think you and God are done with them… you and God are SO not done with them.

About 15 years ago or so I walked up on a conversation taking place in a Sunday school room. I heard my name being mentioned as I was walking up so I paced up a bit slower and the words that I was about to hear set me up for some major devastation. Since I’m 33… and God and I are just now revisiting and dealing that’ll fill you in on some of the finer points of the conversation. Let’s just say without too many details that people can be seriously cruel to other people. The gist of what I came away with as a mid-teenager was that I was unlovable, that probably no one would ever really love me. Now check that - I filed that away.

Pressing the pause button here - as I blog this there are a couple of things going through my heart:
ONE - I know that some of you are gonna immediately need to hit reply on this. People, I know I am loved but loved was different from being worthy of love in my mind. As I sit here tonight, er, this morning, I actually know that this little gem is a total lie. But I’ve been living with this track in my brain fighting it for YEARS and now that it is identified and shut down I wanted to shout a bit about it.

Hi, my name is Gina, and I am loveable. :O)

TWO - The church I grew up in is a part of me, but mostly not in a good way. There are some great memories of things that God taught me from my time there. But there are frankly a whole lot of more painful ones that God and I got to work past. But that past holds no regret for me. God is good and His plans are so much better than the ones I would have chosen.

I thought a lot about whether to share this or not. If you’ve read this far, and honestly I know lots of you won’t, :O) then the take away message is that a lot of us fall for early lies that color things for us later on. God’s desire is to set us free from that. May not be easy to find yours… but maybe, just maybe if you’re driving along one day you’ll discover it if you’re asking. My advice for that moment is to RUN to His healing and let it go.

I’m all about sharing lessons learned. Once upon a time, probably because of the environment that I grew up in church-wise, I always hid. Hiding is so much easier. No one can criticize you or make fun of you if you don’t ever poke your head up above the crowd. But God has not called us to easy life. God has called us to abundant life. You can’t live that life when you are hiding.
God has not given us a spirit of hiding and fear. He gave us a spirit of self-confidence and love.
Live it y’all. Worth it!

OLWA !

2009-07-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Whew - everyone needs a little break. Me I probably need a big break but since I don't have time for one I'm gonna settle for a mini.
Just over a month will begin my final year of seminary - YIKES. I'm doing the marathon year to finish and am planning on going straight through the summer. I start back to class on the 24th of August.
Blessing Baskets planning officially kicked off for me this week... I like to get a nice early run at it. Have to start plotting new areas - doing maps - fixing things from last year - finding new hiding spots. :O)
Things are about to get nice and crazy again.

So before things crank back up I decided to ask for a couple of days away to refocus. Thankfully I had some time coming in the form of a gift trip. Woo!

I'm very excited about being away from my normal routine. Something about being out of my usual surroundings helps me. This time around I have some very specific things that God and I are going to walk through. I am excited about the chance to have some quality time listening. I definitely want His directions before I jump off into the fall crazies!

What this does mean is that after midnight tonight (Wed.) I am going to be offline for a while... no e-mail or facebook. I won't be checking blogs. Nada - zippo - zilch. Yep. I'm actually feeling the withdrawals in advance.

I needed to unplug to give myself some time to really listen without updating my status or worrying about farming my crops (lol!)

Just wanted to pop in here before my little hiatus so nobody would think I was abducted by aliens or anything.

See you in a few
-GB

Oooh - and I would definitely love your prayers for guidance these next few days. I know God has a lot to transfer to this hard head. -G

In Which She Finally Participates

2009-07-24T14:54:00.001-07:00

So I've Been a follower of Kelly's Corner for a while. Friday's she often does a tour of different areas in people's homes. Being that I live in a Lindsey Apartment dwelling I have not been able to participate other than to "oooh and aaah" at other folks stuff. However today's tour is of wedding dresses. HEY WAIT! Nope... But Kelly kindly asked for us single gals to post our dream dresses so I figured this was my chance to jump in.
Since I am a your typical stereotypical gal I've only thought about the wedding dress thing 900 times or so since I was 7. :) Therefore it was not a difficult decision for me to narrow down some fun pictures.

I was talking to my friend Tiffany (fellow Kelly follower FYI) and it really amazes me how tastes change over the years but the staples seem to stay the same.

Since I was a little girl I've wanted the beaded dress. I've wanted the traditional veil. I like traditions. I like big poofiness (is poofiness a word - not according to spell checker).

Well without further ado I bring my first contribution to Kelly's "Show Us Your Life"

This one just seemed to hit all of my highlights. :) It has the beading... loving the neckline. I just think it is beautiful. Ok - off to real life now!

In Which Gina and Denial Come Face to Face

2009-07-22T18:31:00.001-07:00

Funny how when you hear something you don’t want to hear you think blocking it out will make it better.. la la la … not listening. Did you ever try to do that when you were a kid? Did your parents try to tell you something and you put your fingers in your ears and sang really loudly and obnoxiously? It always had to be something like “I’m Henry the 8th I am” or “John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt.” Somehow that kid version of denial never quite did the trick. Eventually you’d have to listen. Eventually you would have to clean your room or do your homework. Eventually even the things you try to avoid seem to come around no matter how many verses you sing.

So when I heard that my boss, Scott, was quitting I did my best to sing 900 verses of “John Jacob” but I guess that can only last up until his actual last day at work - which is tomorrow just in case anyone is counting.
Still it did not dawn on me until sometime tonight that the inevitable was upon me. Specifically it dawned on me in the middle of trying to buy a goodbye card at approximately 6:05 this evening (sorry Family Christian clerk- it wasn’t you I promise).
So in honor of my friend and boss I bring you the official End of Denial blog.
CUE sobbing and melodramatic music here

In all seriousness though…
What a joy to have the Crawfords in my life for the time that God has given them to us here. We’ve laughed and cried… well mostly me cried cause I’m just like that…
God has taught me so much through their example. I’ve been encouraged, challenged, blessed, and taught. From Brundi I’ve learned a lot about being transparent and living life with joy and love. From Scott I’ve learned a lot about faith and what it means to really trust God in the details. So much more really - but seriously can’t put it all out there people I mean really - stop being SO nosy.

In the end the lesson is a blessing of friendships that go on and on. As believers we know that no goodbye is ever permanent. Life is all about seasons.
I have been blessed to have a season with this amazing family in my life.
Love you guys!!!

In Which She Explains Terms - OLWA

2009-07-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

So lately I've realized I spend way to much time online.
Hi... my name is Gina and I'm addicted to Blogs and Facebook. :)

Now I'm able to work my way away from them when other things are involved. I come out to work. I come away for family and friends. But when I am home I have realized that lately the pc is always on. Part of this I blame on my lack of cable. Hulu and I are great friends. Something is typically needing my attention there. But it's summer. Nothing is pressing and still it calls to me.

I do actually accomplish other things at home. Tonight has involved a load of laundry, some cleaning, and some dishes for instance. However the pc is always on as well. It's background noise. Noise being the key word here.

So this summer I am instituting the return of what I like to call OLWA (I'm a geek... I like acronyms!) In Gina-ese it stands for Off Line With Abba. It's my "I gotta get offa here and get some perspective cry. Lately I've pulled the plug for several different reasons. One night it was so many friends that seemed to be hurting and needed prayer. One night it was ME that so needed prayer! I have one prolonged season that is coming up - but I'll save news of that one for a little later on.

How about y'all? How much time do you spend? And maybe it's not time right in front... of the little glowing screen but time spent meandering back and forth to the pc/blackberry/iphone to check up on things.

Need some OLWA time? Take it!

In Which She Talks To Herself

2009-07-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

In one of my ridiculously late moments recently I was thinking of things that I wish I had known earlier in life. I’m still young (what I tell myself all the time) but even at this stage you start thinking man I wish I knew at 18 what I know now.

So my mind, which is always a little twisted, started turning things around and wondering what 50 year old Gina is going to be wishing 33 year old Gina knew. So… for those of my Facebook-Notes readers and my maybe Blog readers who are older I am throwing this open. What do you wish you could tell yourself? This isn’t what would you go back and redo. You can’t go back and redo things. I would never redo the past anyways. There are too many things learned from the dumb things I did. But here is what I mean.

My examples for you “young-ins”
What I do wish is that I had known things like:
Tell the people you care about - how you feel about them you have nothing to lose (I took a while to learn this with my friends when I was younger - regretted it when I lost some of them right out of high school - one the summer right after his graduation)

Never-ever-ever-ever let an argument with someone you care about go on where you leave them angry. Because if something happens and the last word you have is an angry one - not… good!

Don’t be so worried about making a fool out of yourself. It is going to happen. It always manages to happen. I don’t know why that is. But worrying about it won’t change it.

Learn to laugh at yourself. That makes the “fool out of yourself part easier” :O)

Ok - I may add more later but I gotta get work started here!

Randomness - To claim my Spot

2009-07-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

8sf9emjq2u

In Which She Tells Embarrassing Stories from Vacation

2009-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

Well a week off never seems to be enough time to do what you would like to do. Thankfully we headed to ND with little agenda in mind. That really helped when we were so wiped we could barely get off the couch! :O)

Big A and I had a good time traveling with the parents. 17-18 hours together is a long time for anyone but in a car all bets are off. Thankfully we travelled well both coming and going - and I only got really grumpy once… maybe twice? ... Ok maybe three times.

There was fog - lots and lots of fog. There was construction - mile after mile of it.

Mainly we laughed a whole lot (when we weren’t sleeping). One giggling incident at 3 am after getting a little turned around in nowhere, SD stands out. Hey, I get giddy at 3 am.

As for the actual vacation in ND with the family there aren’t enough words. LBB (Little Big Brother) suggested that I do a t-shirt of our favorite vacation sayings. The only problem is that only 6 of us would “get” them.

One thing that marks my family is laughter. Thankfully we can usually only argue until one of us says something funny and then it’s all over. So here are some of my favorite vacation moments. We’ll get to the spiritual highlights later. These are the other memorable ones.

Allie Rose (on seeing a little boy fall off his bike under the bleachers) “Hey buddy… are you ok? HEY… BUDDY… are you ok? I found out later she knew the little boy when he came up to us and said “my name is Mason… remember… Mason.”

Allie Rose as a bride - she has the whole getup. She needed an announcer and we decided that only daddy could announce her wedding. Upon Jeff’s pronouncement of “Let’s get ready to MARRYYYYYYY,” she announced to us all that it was time to leave on her honeymoon - to Texas

Jeremiah decided on the last day that he wasn’t ready for us to leave prompting him to walk into rooms where I was and say things like “I’m going to miss you for my WHOLE life.”

Jonathan is a hoot. You know how parents always wish you will have a child just like yourself? Well my brother has spawned a clone of himself. It is really a challenge to not crack up while listening to him.

T-ball is priceless entertainment. The pictures do not do justice to the duos of kids on each base playing in the dirt, talking and holding hands (these are the opposing teams). Allie skips to each base or runs on tip-toe.

We also got to see Jonathan and Jeremiah get hits and score runs in the pee-wee games. The younger kids were fun to watch (no sitting on the base and playing in the dirt for them.

When running downstairs to proclaim her innocence, a good lesson for my niece to learn will be to not start out like this “Whatever it is he says that I did, I didn’t do it” Every adult in the room had their hands over their faces trying not to die laughing as she proceeded to tell exactly what Jeremiah was going to say she did and recount again that she did not do it. Kinda hard to buy the story, but funny!

Finally no words can describe the sweetness of having almost all of the people I love under one roof finally. We got to hold the kids a lot, which always makes me mindful that they will not always want to sit in Aunt Gina’s lap and just cuddle. How time flies!?!

In Which We Take a Break!

2009-06-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

Well friends... I am off to Sunny North Dakota. Unless something really fascinating happens while I am gone I will be taking a blog-break.
Would appreciate prayers for safe travel.

We will be driving straight through the night. SO if you're in Western MO or Iowa or along that path wave all day and I might see you. :O)

Gina

In Which One Thing Really Does Lead to Another

2009-06-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well it's almost midnight. I came home after work exhausted. But I knew I needed some unplugged time. So I got the old journal/Bible and a new book I am trying to read. Book required watching a bit of video - enter laptop.... video will not play.

So I sit in silence for a while writing, praying, thinking and crying.

That seems to be my pattern so far for the last two weeks. I think I have cried more in that time than I have in the last year (and I'm a crier people... no one cries alone in my presence!).

Why the tears? I read somewhere that tears are cleansing. I mean that in literal terms. Tears wash out impurities from your body. Have you ever cried tears that literally burn? That is your body, doing its job.

I also mean it figuratively. Sometimes we just have to let things go emotionally. I'm the queen of trying to hold things in. I guess I've always thought that eventually there would be time for a meltdown. The time just never actually came. I hate crying in front of anyone. It seems weak (yeah I don't know when weak became a bad thing either). It means I am "out of control," not something I am ever fond of fyi!

Back to the tears, because remember - one thing really does lead to another tonight.

I've been in this flaky emotional state for a couple of weeks. Seriously when I came home at lunch today and cried the ENTIRE HOUR - I figured I had used up the reservoir. I was oh... so.. wrong.

At about 6, right before I decided I needed to unplug, I lost it yet again. Yep - good times!

So how does this lead to something else. I hit my moment of clarity about 4 hours later. It was something I started to get earlier and that revelation (if it's not ok, it's not the end) needed to lead to the second verse.

We're not home yet. We're not done yet. You still breathing? Yep, me too. Guess what that means.
We're not done yet because we're not home yet. Which means God's not done yet either! Now how exiting is that?

It ain't over, till it's over. And the fact that you're reading this means it ain't over.

Tomorrow when I wake up and take that first morning breath I will remind myself again that God is still working out His plan. What plan? You got me - that's His business.

My business:
Get up
Get moving
Tell everyone I can what He is doing, has done, can do, wants to do (get the picture)
Come home
Repeat

In Which She Talks to the “In-Betweeners”

2009-06-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about my life. Pastor’s sermon was a challenge to live for eternity. It hit me between the eyes (Pastor does that a LOT and I am so thankful for his diligence to God’s word). I was challenged to make some changes in what I do and what I think/say about what I do.

Then I also started thinking about stages of life. In our connection group my friend Joel mentioned something about God being focused on our journey in life, while we are focused on our destination. God wants to help us “be” where we are and who we need to be. Often we just want to get where we are going already. And could you hurry that up please God?

Am I the only one who keeps falling back into destination thinking?

My mind knows firmly that God is in control. He is working on me, through me, and around me for His glory and purposes. I am looking in me, around me, at me, and wishing He would get on with it already.

Again yesterday and this morning I am struck by the reminder to be the girl who is all about the journey.

We all have destinations in mind. We are all in between stages. Have you ever thought about it that way? All of us are “in-betweeners.” Even if you just had something come to pass you soon realize that it is just that - “past.” Our human minds automatically hit the “next” button and we start waiting again. You graduate from college and you are suddenly in the waiting for something like graduate school, marriage, or a job. You get married and you are in the waiting pool, even if not immediately for kids, a house, or something else. We’re all there!

Recently I was in the middle of a conversation that put a big spotlight right on my “in-betweener” status. My reaction even surprised me. See I actually had been happily a journey girl. I had not been focusing on being an in-betweener. It took all of about 2 seconds for me to snap back! How frustrating is that?! :O)

Since this morning has me back firmly in journey mode (hmmm… I’ve had to create words for this little post haven’t I? Hopefully you’re still with me), I wanted to share a couple of observations.

When you focus on the thing you want more than on the Giver you are always going to be miserable.

Think right now about what you want then give… it… up! See above re: misery.

No matter where you are in life you can help support another in-betweener. As different as we are we need to realize that we are more alike than different. Satan wants to categorize us. Christ wants to break those boundaries so we can learn and journey together.

Now get on out there and start talking! So glad we are on this journey together.

-G

In Which She Dwells, but in a good way

2009-06-02T10:47:00.001-07:00

So this is an odd blog and a long blog - that’s your warning up front.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for me. I’ve been a long-time on again/off again migraine sufferer. The last month has seen them coming up at least once a week, with the last one hanging in for (current count as of 6/2/09) 8 days! 8 days of dizziness, head pounding, eyes twitching and general grumpy madness. Honestly I don’t say anything to complain… just to explain! If you see me, and I don’t see you, that’s probably why. If you call me on the phone and I seem “not there” there’s a good bet I’m not.

But I digress.

Spiritually this last month has been challenging. It’s hard to read with a pounding head… hard to sing (my favorite “me and God” time)… and hard to focus. To say the last month has been dry for me just doesn’t seem to cut it. I hadn’t even really realized it until I opened my journal this morning and my last entry was 5/13. Almost a month break is practically unheard of for me in journal terms. So why did I wake up this morning and grab the journal? It was a dream.

Before you start rolling your eyes (all three of you who read) let me state for the record that I am not a person who believes every dream means something. Sure some of them do. Sure sometimes your subconscious needs to work things out and chooses your dreaming to do the work. Sometimes I firmly believe that if you aren’t still enough when you are awake, or He just chooses to, God will come in and speak.

That would be what happened to me early this morning. Most of the dream, even the setting, I’ll leave between me and God because I know that is what needs to happen. But part of what I learned I just felt like sharing. I think it is because I know, from your comments, prayer requests, and messages; that many of you are struggling right now.

It was a disturbing dream in many ways. In the midst of it though, God gave me a song and buddy I belted it out right then and there. I don’t remember it, maybe I will later. I don’t even remember more than two words of it. But the two words were worth the distress of the dream.

Wonderful counselor

When I woke up there were a few things clear to me. I hadn’t slept much (getting used to that) but I had to stay up and process. So I grabbed my Bible and journal from beside me and got to work. I think I’m a pretty good listener. I’m a problem solver at heart and a counselor. So I love helping other people work through things. I enjoy God giving me the right word, at the right time to help lift other people. It is a joy to me to do that. However too often I don’t go for that same help. I wall myself off. Where does the “healer” go when they need to be healed? Wonderful Counselor!

The first place I opened my Bible to was Psalm 91. Pastor Floyd did a Sunday night series a while back on that passage and I still had the notes to re-read. FYI - the dwelling in the secret place, and pastor had both been in my dream!?!

Where are you dwelling? Lately I’ve been dwelling in my problem. I’m in pain and that doesn’t seem to be letting up. Who knows, it may not let up for a while. But where do I need to dwell? I need to dwell in the secret place. This morning when I woke up to read, I just kept reading. It was so fresh to me, maybe because things have been so “dry.” But everything jumped off the page and pointed back to the dream. Wild!

Circumstances may not change. But I will dwell and I am determined to let that change me! God gave me a song and remember it or not my heart will be singing it. It’s back to basics for me. It’s all about digging in and not letting go until God breaks my hip and gives me the blessing (see Jacob in the OT if that is gibberish for you). I’ll try to let you in on the journey. If I don’t, feel free to ask.

On and up friends!

-Gina

In Which She Realizes it is Tuesday... not Monday

2009-05-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

Summer is fast approaching, which means lots of work in the mission ministry. It is great. We get to work with new folks (interns which I usually call minions). We get to get out into the community more. Lots of things happen in ministry during the summer.

This year we have a neat opportunity with two adult interns instead of college students. I have loved every summer with our students. This is just a totally new deal. It will be interesting to see what God does.

First up is our big Kidapalooza Festival.

Wait - getting off my topic at hand. Yesterday, aka, Monday passed harmlessly for a Monday. I suppose that should have been my first clue today would be "special."

Today was not a bad day. It was just a weird day complete with a dreaded doctor's appointment that offered me so-so news, kinda cruddy news, and sarcasm. Good times! :OP

Anyhoo - thought I would take this day to update and say howdy. All things good come to those who wait. Those who wait patiently may not get things faster, but they do seem happier in the mean time.

That's my advice for the day.

Oh - that and the fact that it is Tuesday, not Monday. Let that be a lesson for you. Unless it's tomorrow - then it is Wednesday... don't get confused!

Compassion

2009-05-15T08:23:00.001-07:00

I've been inspired lately by the Compassion Blogger trip to India.
I have been a compassion sponsor for years. Long enough now that I cannot actually remember when I started.
I do, remember the moment when I first saw Grace. :)

For years I have been saying something to the effect of "God's going to call me to Tanzania." It started when I was 16 and first felt God's call to mission work. I just knew Tanzania was special, way before I had any clue where it was.

So a few years back I was sitting in a Compassion concert locally. Somewhere in the concert they passed out the folios that have compassion kids that needed a sponsor. I raised my hand and was given a "random" child.

Grace - from Tanzania. If I'd had any doubts about sponsoring, it left me that second.

I love Compassion because I get to watch Grace grow. I get letters with drawings, pictures and updates. I have seen her family.

If you have ever thought about this, or maybe haven't thought about it, I encourage you to go for it.

$32 a month makes a huge difference for these children AND their families.

I promise you will not be the same.

Grace and her grandma

In Which the Clock Stands Still

2009-05-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah... so life right? Crazy...

I think today it's best to just make a list. I'm all about lists. Like many of my borderline OCD friends I love, love, love checking things OFF of lists. I also love things in three's, but that is off topic.

I call myself a frustrated perfectionist. I know that I can't get things where I want them so I give up. :) The end result is a mess.

Lately that seems to be life - messy.

It's ironic to me, because things are pretty good. I finally graduated with my BS in Psychology. I'm about 2/3 of the way through my Master of Divinity. My apartment (other than puddles the wonderdog and the person who always parks inches from my driver's side door) is a cozy little place of happiness.

I'm almost at 9 months of dating a great guy who is Godly, wise, witty, and cute (:OP). <---- should have gone for all "w's" huh?

Things are good. Things are actually really good.

So why in the world would I say things are messy? Cause they are!

I told you that I am a frustrated perfectionist. Life is tough for those of us who need things perfect. I like order. I like knowing that things are happening on schedule, my schedule that is!

Life is just not on my schedule these days.

Over the last year I decided to talk God into my timetable on a few things. I have my list you know, and things are not being checked off of it promptly.

The more list checking (or non-checking off) I did, the more frustrated I became.

Frustration leads to some ugly cycles. The more out of control we feel, the more we try to control. Surely there is something I can take on. God doesn't want it all right? Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Sheesh!

I'd like to proclaim today my official "hands off" day. I want to say that I am throwing my little lists away and letting go... letting God. I just know me a little bit better than that. :O)

What I will say is that I am going to dig in a little harder. Not my heels digging in while I try to get what I want. As much as I know that I cannot control, I also know that I can't even stop trying to control without His help.

So it's me and Him, together, taking on my mess.

Ahh life... crazy right?

-G

In Which She Waxed Poetic on Mother's Day

2009-05-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's funny how you can be genuinely happy in one sense and sad at the same time about the exact same thing.
Mother's Day is one of those days. Once you start hitting certain numbers birthday wise you get a bit sentimental about milestones. I guess it is partly because we tend to gauge our lives by the people around us.

One couple gets married right out of high school or college; starts having kiddos; buys a house and settles in for life.

One couple gets married quickly after school and tries for ten years to have children. When God provides, it isn't the way they expected. But their little bundle of joy adds something priceless to their lives and his/hers.

A young person hears the call to go into mission for God in a far-off land. He knows this most likely means he will not marry, but goes in obedience.

A older person never hears the call to remain single, but never hears the call to marry. So she waits.

And there are so many stages in between.

As I faced yesterday I could not help measuring life in those around. We're all in stages aren't we?

Some are waiting for their life to begin - graduations are all over the place this month.

Some are waiting on new life to begin - pregnancies and new little ones abound these days.

There are engagements and possible engagements. There are those who are waiting on God with hope and those who wait with no hope. There are regrets over lost moments and moments taken in haste. There is divorce, death, uncertainty, loss... so many stages.

Yep. There are a lot of stages.

When yesterday came it caught me entirely by surprise. I think I am a good "waiter."
32 years old and single you get used to asking, expecting and waiting for God. I know its not a single-only deal. But it seems like that particular pool of people is much larger these days. So it stands to reason that the numbers are not in the favor of the "every pot has a lid" camp.

Not everyone who desires marriage will get it. Not everyone who desires to have children will. Not everyone who prays desperately for their marriage to hold together or their child to live will see the answer as they hoped.

Whew - depressing huh?

Well since we know my word for 2009 is JOY you know I'm not leaving us there right?

Back to yesterday... I couldn't face it. Cause I'm all about gut-wrenching transparency these days I will be the first to stand up and admit that baby dedication was not where I could be yesterday. I did try. I really did.

Honestly I can say that I am THRILLED beyond belief for the answers I see around me. One friend tried for so long to have a baby with miscarriage after miscarriage, but God provided this past year with an adorable little answered prayer. One friend waited for the hubby and the baby and this was her year to.

I see it. It gives me hope. That is true. We're called to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. Each of those times have their easy times and hard times.

I try to never be about feeling sorry for myself. It just does no good. It's time wasted but it's tough to avoid sometimes. Sometimes you are willing to hand things over to God.

Sometimes you grip those dreams hard - death grip hard.

Have you ever held something in your hand, with all your might for a long time?

It doesn't take long when you grip something like that for your hand to start to weaken. So you grip harder and it becomes even harder and harder to hold on to.

If you made it to the end of this post, perhaps it is because you are a gripper. You are desperately holding on to something that you want. While in reality the harder you grip the less of a hold you have.

My suggestion isn't to give up your dream. God is all about dreams. He is all about hope.

Mostly - He is all about you holding on to Him. So is your dream taking His place? Does it have a life of its own? Where are your thoughts? Are they on Him or on the thing/person/place/status that you just have to have?

Just a priority check because when God hits me with a 2 x 4 I like to at least try to spare someone the headache.

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

-Gina

Talking on Elevators

2009-04-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know when I started this little habit I am about to confess. If I could trace it back it might make sense.

I talk to myself on elevators. Since I cannot walk stairs much (ouchie knee) and work on the second floor, I talk to myself in our particular elevator several times a day/week. I have come to the recent revelation that you can clearly hear conversations in our elevator while waiting for it to come down/up. Which leaves me wondering which of my self amusing, chuckling, strange-singing moments have been the amusement of others. Would you tell me if you heard me conversing on the way up /down? Just this week I have had:
1. A hysterical bag incident that left me howling in laughter down into someone else's office (that one I HAD to explain).
2. Two incidences of me singing "In a Little While" - remember that Amy Grant song?
3. Pizza/leftover counting on my way down the elevator... Tuesday is Weight Watcher's night at FBCS... chubby people really hate walking past weight watcher's meetings. It's like "yeah - I could be one of you, but I choose not to - I have food in my hands because I didn't eat all of my grande quesadilla from lunch... so THERE" FYI - told you I was strange.

And yep - it's just Tuesday. :O)

Being just a bit off mentally I also had the thought of messing with people using this knowledge, but I think I already have a reputation for odd so I am going to skip it.

Why do I share this with you?

No idea - just amused me tonight.

:O)